Ugh! She was hopeless. She dumped it down the sink and set the glass down.
“I probably shouldn’t have invited him to stay for a glass of wine either,” she told Beth.
“Maybe this is a stupid question, but did you want him to kiss you?”
“No.” She paused, then blew out a frustrated breath. “And yes. I still have all these feelings for him. But damn it, he already eviscerated my heart once. I would be a moron to go back for seconds.”
“You know I’ll stand by whatever you decide to do, hon, and this probably goes without saying, but be careful. Don’t jump into anything without thinking it through first. Okay?”
“I won’t, I promise.” At least, she would try. “The problem is, when I’m close to him, it’s like my brain ceases to function. Like…animal magnetism or something. It’s been that way since the day I met him.”
“When are you going to see him again?”
“He’s stopping over to see Max tomorrow evening around seven.”
“And Max goes to bed at eight-thirty?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Well, if something was going to happen, it would be after that, right?”
“I suppose.”
“Then why don’t I call you around eight forty-five. That way if you need moral support, I can talk some sense into you.”
She hated to think that she would be that weak, but why take chances? “I think that sounds like a pretty good idea.”
“You’re tough, Ana. You can do this.”
Beth was right. She had been through worse things than this, so why, right now, wasn’t she feeling so tough?
Five
Any time Ana had spent worrying that Max and Nathan might not bond had been a big fat waste.
Max adored Nathan. He’d been utterly fascinated with him since the second Nathan walked in the door, and spending the last two hours watching them play had flat out been the most heartwarming, confusing and terrifying experience of Ana’s life.
For someone who had so little experience with babies, Nathan did everything right. He was gentle and patient, but not afraid to play with Max, who was used to—not to mention lived for—roughhousing with the older kids in the playgroup. “He’s all boy, isn’t he?” Nathan said, his voice full of pride as he swung Max up over his head, making him squeal. He didn’t even seem to mind when Max smashed gluey bits of partially chewed zwieback into his designer shirt, or spilled juice from his sippy cup on Nathan’s slacks.
Nathan was a complete natural with Max. So much so that Ana couldn’t help feeling a bit like the odd man out. Max was so focussed on Nathan, she had ceased to exist. She was actually a little relieved when it was time to put Max to bed. At least she would get a few quality moments with him when she tucked him in, but then Nathan asked if he could help get Max ready for bed. Since the day he came home from the hospital, Max’s bedtime was a ritual that had always been just the two of them. She knew she was completely unjustified in feeling that Nathan was overstepping his bounds. After all, they were supposed to be getting to know one another. Still, she couldn’t help feeling a little jealous. Especially when she got Max changed and into his pajamas, and it was Nathan he reached for to put him into bed. That was tough.
“What should I do now?” Nathan asked her.
“Just lay him in bed and cover him up.” She gave Max a kiss, then watched from across the room as Nathan lay Max, a little awkwardly, into bed, then pulled the blanket up over him.
“Good night, Max,” he said, smiling down at him with the same dimpled grin Max was giving him, and though Ana was dying to walk over to the crib, if only to make sure he was covered and safely tucked in, to kiss him one more time and tell him she loved him, she knew she had to let father and son have this time together.
She’d just had no idea this would be so damned hard.
“Is that it?” Nathan asked.
She nodded and switched off the lamp on his dresser. “He’ll go right to sleep.”
Nathan followed her out of the bedroom and into the living room. Things had gone really well tonight, so why was she on the verge of an emotional meltdown? Why the tears brimming in her eyes?
She was being stupid, that was why. Max was still her baby, still depended on her for everything, and no one could take that from her. Having a daddy in his life didn’t mean Max would love her any less.
“Well,” Nathan said, “he’s a great kid.”
“He is,” she agreed, hoping he didn’t hear the hitch in her voice. She walked to the kitchen to load the dinner dishes into the dishwasher, hoping Nathan would take the hint and leave. Instead he followed her.
“That seemed to go well,” he said, leaning against the counter beside the stove while she stood at the sink, her back to him.
“Really well,” she agreed, blinking back the tears pooling in her eyes. Stop it, Ana, you’re being ridiculous. Was she PMSing or something? She never got this emotional. She was tougher than this.
He was quiet for a minute then asked, “Ana, is something wrong?”
“Of course not,” she said, the squeak in her voice undeniable that time, as was the tear that spilled over onto her cheek. My God, she was acting like a big baby. She had learned a long time ago that crying would get her nowhere. Her father had no tolerance for emotional displays.
Nathan laid a hand on her shoulder, which only made her feel worse. “Did I do something wrong?”
She shook her head. The apprehension in Nathan’s voice made her feel like a jerk. He was genuinely concerned, and he deserved an explanation. She just didn’t know what to tell him. Not without sounding like a dope.
“Ana, talk to me.” He turned her so she was facing him. “Are you crying?”
“No,” she said, swiping at the tears with her shirtsleeve. As if denying it would make her tears any less real.
“I’m confused. I thought it went okay tonight.”
“It did.”
“So…why the tears? Are you having second thoughts about this?”
She shook her head. “It’s not that.”
“Then what is it? Why are you so upset?”
She bit her lip, looked down at the floor.
He put his hands on her shoulders. “Ana, we can’t do this if you don’t talk to me.”
Please don’t touch me, she thought. It only made it worse.
“If I did something wrong—”
“No! You did everything right. Max adored you. It couldn’t have gone more perfect.”
“And you think that’s a bad thing?”
“No. Not exactly.”
Nathan’s brow furrowed with confusion. Of course he was confused. She wasn’t making any sense.
“Since the day Max was born it’s just been the two of us. He depends on me for everything. But tonight, seeing you two together—” Her voice cracked. Damn it Ana, hold it together. “I guess I was jealous. I don’t know what I would do if Max didn’t need me anymore.”
“Of course he needs you.”
She shrugged, her shoulders heavy under the weight of his hands, and more of those stupid tears spilled over.
He cursed under his breath, then slid his arms around her and pulled her against him. And, oh God, it was so good. To hell with being strong. She wanted this. She’d wanted it for so long. She locked her arms around him and held on, feeling as if she never wanted to let go again. He would have to pry her loose, peel her away from him. She closed her eyes and breathed him in, rubbed her cheek against the solid warmth of his chest. He was so familiar, and perfect.
God, she was pathetic. She wasn’t even trying to resist him. And Nathan wasn’t making this any easier. Instead of pushing her away, he was holding on just as tightly.
“I think I’m just a novelty,” he said. “A new toy to play with.”
It took her a second to realize that he was talking about Max. “No, he really loved you, Nathan. It’s almost as if he sensed who you were.” She gazed up at him. “And that’s good. That’s the way it
should be. It’s what I want. I’m just acting stupid.”
“I’m sure what you’re feeling is totally normal.”
He could have the decency to act like a jerk. To tell her she was being irrational and stupid. Instead of being a tool, and making her hate him, he was doing everything right. Where were those flaws she was supposed to be finding?
“You really need to stop being so nice to me,” she said.
A grin tipped up the corner of his mouth. “Why?”
“Because you’re making it impossible for me to hate you.”
“Maybe I don’t want you to hate me.”
She had to. It was her only defense.
The house phone rang, and she realized that it must be Beth, calling to stop her from doing something stupid.
Too late.
She slid her arms up Nathan’s chest and around his neck, pulled his head down to her level and kissed him, and there wasn’t even a millisecond of hesitation on his part. Everything in her said, Yes! She blocked out the ringing of the phone, and the whisper of her own nagging doubts, and concentrated on the softness of his lips, the taste of his mouth, the burn of his beard stubble against her chin. Good Lord, did the man know how to kiss. He was tender, yet demanding. It was addictive, like a drug, and all she could think was more. Her body ached for his touch.
Nathan’s big hands tightened around her hips, and suddenly her feet were off the floor. Her butt landed on the hard surface of the countertop, and her legs instinctively wrapped around his waist.
Closer. She wanted to be closer to him. Needed to feel her breasts crushed against the hard wall of his chest. Nathan cupped her behind and tugged her against him, trapping the stiff ridge of his erection against her stomach. He slid his hands upward, under the hem of her shirt, and his warm palms settled against her bare waist.
Naked. They needed to be naked, right now. She wanted to feel his skin, the hard ridges of muscle that used to be as familiar to her as her own body. She clawed at the tails of his shirt, tugging them free from his pants, and Nathan must have had the same thing in mind, because he was sliding her shirt up…
The doorbell rang, followed by frantic pounding. What the hell?
Nathan broke the kiss and backed away. “I think someone is here.”
No, no, no. This wasn’t fair. Maybe if they ignored it, the person would go away. They stood motionless, waiting. Then the bell rang again, followed by more pounding. At this rate, whoever it was, they were going to wake Max.
“I had better go see who it is,” she told Nathan. So she could kill them.
She straightened her top and darted for the door just as the phone started to ring again. This had better be damned important. She yanked the door open to find Beth standing on her porch, hand poised to knock again, cell phone to her ear. As soon as she snapped her phone closed, the house phone stopped ringing.
“Hi!” she said brightly, muscling her way past Ana into the foyer. “I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I would stop by.”
In the neighborhood? At eight forty-five on a weeknight? Beth lived twenty minutes away. From the frantic knocking she was obviously a woman on a mission, and Ana knew exactly what that mission had to be.
Beth looked past Ana and her eyes widened almost imperceptibly.
Ana turned to see Nathan walking to the door, his tails retucked, clothes neat. To look at him, no one would guess that he’d been about to jump her bones.
“Hello, Beth,” he said.
“Hi, Nathan. I didn’t realize you were here.”
Like hell she didn’t, and Ana could see Nathan’s bullshit meter zip into the red zone.
“My car in the driveway didn’t tip you off?” he asked.
“Oh, is that your car?” She cut a look Ana’s way. “I hope I haven’t come at a bad time.”
That was exactly what she was hoping.
“Actually, I was just leaving,” Nathan said, grabbing his jacket from the coat tree.
Damn it! “Beth, would you excuse us for just a second?”
“Of course,” Beth said, shooting her a look that said, Don’t try anything funny.
Ana followed Nathan onto the porch, shutting the door behind her. “You don’t have to go. I can get rid of her.”
“Is that really what you want?”
Her first instinct was a big fat yes, but something made her pause and consider what he was asking. Was it what she wanted? Thirty seconds ago she was one hundred percent sure. But now that she’d had a minute to calm down, to think rationally, she had to wonder if she was making a mistake. She would sleep with him, and then what? Have another brief affair that would end in a month or so with her heart sliced and diced again? Was that worth a few weeks of really fantastic sex? If he decided to keep seeing Max, she would be stuck with him for a very long time. At least until Max was eighteen. And weren’t things uncomfortable enough already?
“I think we both know that it would only complicate things,” he said, and her heart took a steep dive.
She knew a brush-off when she heard one. What he really meant to say was, he didn’t want her. Hadn’t she been the one to start it this time? He had probably only hugged her for comfort, not to seduce her, but she had taken the ball and run with it. He could have stopped her, but after that awful emotional display of hers, maybe he was afraid of hurting her feelings. What could be more embarrassing? Or horrifying?
“You’re right,” she said, folding her arms against a sudden gust of cool air. Or maybe that chill was her heart turning to ice.
“Are we still okay for Sunday?” he asked.
“Of course. What time is good for you?”
“Why don’t I come by around noon? I’ll bring lunch.”
That had quite the “family” ring to it. The three of them having lunch and spending the afternoon together. But she didn’t want to discourage him, not when he and Max had gotten along so well tonight. Because this was about Max, not her. “Um, sure. That would be great.”
“Great. I’ll see you Sunday.” He stepped off the porch into the darkness, and though she was tempted to stand there and watch him go, she had Beth to deal with. She stepped back inside but Beth wasn’t waiting by the door.
She found her in the kitchen pouring a glass of wine. “Rough day?”
“It’s not for me,” Beth said, corking the bottle and putting it back in the fridge. Then she held the glass out for Ana. “It’s for you. You look like you need it.”
She did. She took the glass from Beth. “I take it you weren’t just in the neighborhood.”
“Let’s just say I had a hunch that a phone call wasn’t going to cut it. Too easy to ignore if you’re otherwise occupied. Besides, I’ve always preferred the direct approach.”
Ana took a swallow of wine then set the glass on the counter. “Good idea.”
“If I hadn’t shown up, you would have slept with him, wouldn’t you?”
She had been two seconds from dragging him to her bedroom. Or hell, they may have done it right there on the kitchen counter. It wouldn’t have been the first time.
Her look must have said it all, because Beth folded her arms, cocked one hip and said, “Forget Max. You’re the one who needs supervised visits.”
“No, because it’s not going to happen again. We just decided that it would complicate things too much.”
“He says that now—”
“No, he means it. I think that was just his polite way of saying he’s not interested.”
Beth’s brow furrowed. “Then why put the moves on you?”
“He didn’t.”
Beth looked confused, then her eyes went wide. “You seduced him?”
“I tried.” Ana shrugged. “I guess that lean the other day wasn’t a lean after all.”
And the hug had been nothing more than a friendly gesture. He didn’t want her eighteen months ago, and he didn’t want her now.
“Oh, sweetie,” Beth said, pulling her into her arms for a hug. She was getting that
a lot today.
“I’m so stupid.”
“No you’re not.” She held Ana at arm’s length. “He’s the stupid one for letting you go in the first place. He doesn’t deserve you.”
“Yet I still love him.” She wished she could turn her feelings off like a spigot, the way her father did. She wished that she were stronger. And she wished this wouldn’t hurt so much. “I’m pathetic.”
“You just want to be happy, and you want your son to have what you missed out on. A complete, cohesive family. There’s nothing pathetic about that.”
Max might never have a mommy and daddy who loved each other, but it was possible that he would at least have two parents who loved him. If that was the best she could do for her son, she could live with that.
Six
Nathan sat in his office Tuesday afternoon, browsing on his phone the photos Ana had emailed him of his visit Sunday. Though he had spent a couple hours with Max Thursday, and nearly the entire day at Ana’s on Sunday, it didn’t really hit home the bond that had begun to form between him and Max until he saw pictures of the two of them together. He hadn’t realized how alike they looked. Not just features, but expressions and mannerisms. And he hadn’t noticed the adoration in Max’s eyes when he gazed up at him. The kid was really taking to him, and Nathan couldn’t deny the tug of parental affection.
Ana, on the other hand, seemed as though she could take Nathan or leave him. He had hoped they might get a chance to talk about what had happened Thursday night, but she’d made herself pretty scarce. Other than snapping a few pictures, she’d spent most of her time in the spare bedroom with her scrapbooking paraphernalia, updating Max’s baby book. A few times when he did try to start a conversation she’d given him the brush-off. Apparently she’d had no trouble whatsoever forgetting that kiss.
He had known that hugging her was probably a bad idea, that he was tempting fate, but she had looked so confused and miserable that he hadn’t been able to stop himself. He knew the instant her body was pressed to his, and her arms wrapped around him, that he had to kiss her, but then she’d slipped her arms around his neck and kissed him first. If Beth hadn’t shown up, he didn’t doubt for a second that they would have wound up in bed together. And it would have been a huge mistake, because as he suspected at the time, Ana was only reacting to the highly emotional situation. When he gave her an out, she gladly took it.
A Clandestine Corporate Affair Page 5