She grasped his uninjured hand in hers and inhaled. “Joel, I’m so sorry for what’s been done to you. I know you’re hurting and the last thing I want to do is add to that hurt but … to not say anything now, I think would hurt you even more.”
She heard footsteps out in the hallway and was glad that she’d shut the door so no one would witness their private moment. Joel’s face already told her that he had a feeling where she was taking this conversation and she felt the tears in the back of her throat. But she had to plow forward, she owed it to him.
“I always wished you were my Mirror Mate.” She paused, wanting him to see the truth of that in her eyes. She heard a door slam in the distance. “But I don’t get to decide that. I know now that what I feel for you isn’t what you want or need. You deserve the truth, Joel, and the truth is that I’ve found my Mirror Mate and … ” Her eyes started to cloud with tears. “And it’s not you.”
She couldn’t stand the broken look on his face. Couldn’t stand the fact that she was the one that gave it to him, but she refused to look away. This was her doing and she needed to face it. She’d take whatever lashing he decided to give her because she deserved it.
In her heart she hadn’t felt as if she’d cheated on Joel because she’d already moved on, but in his eyes he’d see her affection toward Merrick as utter betrayal. He had every right to leave the guild, to never help them again and never speak to her again. The idea had her choking back a sob.
She didn’t know what else to say. All the nice and pretty words she had picked out two days ago dried up, and her mind stuttered as she tried to tell Joel her feelings. In this moment all the preparation in the world wouldn’t have helped her.
“I’m so sorry,” she said at last.
Joel gently pulled his hand from hers. Sydney could feel him pulling away more than just physically and she had no idea what to do about it. She needed to let him pull away — it wasn’t her job to comfort him like that anymore. She’d be glad to comfort him as a friend but she doubted he’d want that right now. It’d probably be a long time before she was given that luxury again.
“I had a feeling,” said Joel. “Every time you entered a room your eyes sought him first. When I was injured you ran to him instead of me. I get it. I’ve been beaten enough times to realize that I’m not your man anymore.”
A thick silence fell over them.
“Does he make you happy?”
Sydney barely heard him. She swallowed her tears at the emotion in his voice. “I think so.” She didn’t want to lie and say yes. The truth was she didn’t know.
Joel looked up after she answered. There was a touch of anger in his eyes, but it wasn’t directed at her.
She spoke up before he could threaten Merrick for something he’d never done. “The truth is, I haven’t known him that long. My emotions have been in such a state of turmoil that I can’t tell what I feel, but I know I feel lighter when he’s around.” She rubbed her chest, the ache more intense than it had been earlier. “I can’t really describe what he makes me feel but if you want my honest answer then yes, I think he can and will make me happy.”
She waited with bated breath for the statement to crush him but all he did was nod, as if that was the answer he wanted to hear.
“I’m sorry it couldn’t be me,” he said.
She reached out and placed her hand on his forearm, over one of his scars. She flinched at the sight. “You’ll find yours. She’s out there somewhere. I’ll help you look. You know I will. I’m so afraid of losing you, Joel. Please don’t leave the guild because of me.”
He jerked in surprise. “Leave the guild? You thought I’d leave?”
“I thought for sure you wouldn’t want to be around me anymore. I was terrified that you’d leave and never look back — that the guild would fracture and break apart. I know you don’t want to hear this but I still love you, just not in the same way.”
He grimaced. “You’re right, I didn’t want to hear that. But Syd, I’m not going to leave the guild. I may need some time to myself for a bit, and I may not want to be around much when Merrick is, but I’m not going to leave. We’re the Guild of Aletheia. What kind of guild would we be if we disbanded every time there was a complication within our group? We stick together and that’s final.”
She stared into his face. He was so brave, such a good guy. “You’re going to make some woman very happy,” she told him earnestly.
He blinked, caught off guard. He looked away but not fast enough. She saw the raw hurt and wanted to smack herself. She was acting as if they’d been broken up for three months and not three minutes.
She got to her feet. “I should let you rest some more. I’ll come back later to check on you, if you want.”
He gingerly touched his cast. “Maybe it’d be best for now to have someone else check on me.”
His words were like a punch to the gut but she kept the smile on her face. “I’ll have Niella or Luke come check on you then.” With nothing else left to say she closed the door behind her and exhaled.
“How’d it go?”
Sydney nearly jumped out of her skin. “Would you stop doing that?” She whirled on Cali. “Do you do that to Felix?”
Cali uncrossed her arms and smiled. “All the time. One time I got him so good in the kitchen he sent cake dough flying straight into the ceiling.”
Poor Felix.
“So, how’d it go?” she repeated.
Sydney shrugged and looked back at the door as if she’d be able to see Joel on the other side. “Not like I wanted, but better than expected, I guess.”
Cali gave her a sympathetic pat on the arm. “At least it’s over now and you can start afresh with Merrick. There’ll be nothing hanging over your guys’ heads.”
“Thanks. By the way where is Merrick?” She stepped into the living room and found that everyone was accounted for except her Mirror Mate. Was that why her chest had ached worse while she was talking to Joel? He’d left? But why would he leave?
Cali shrugged. “I have no idea. He went down the hall I think to check on you and then he stormed out of the house a few seconds later.”
Sydney’s stomach sank. She thought back to the door slamming after she’d told Joel that she’d wished he’d been her Mirror Mate …
“Oh no.” Sydney grasped Cali’s arms, bringing her to an abrupt halt. “How long ago did he leave?”
“I don’t know, five minutes ago maybe. What’s wrong?”
Sydney dropped her hands and bolted for the door.
“Sydney?” Cali yelled after her but she didn’t stop.
The streets in Felix’s neighborhood were empty. She scanned the sidewalks but saw no sign of Merrick. Where could he have gone? She’d been his ride over here and she knew for a fact that he didn’t have a cell phone yet so he couldn’t have called a cab.
She cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted his name. There was no answer.
She raced back inside Felix’s house and nearly collided with Felix. “Whoa.” He caught her shoulders and held her. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”
She jerked free of his hold. “I have to leave. I have to find Merrick.” She snatched up her purse and keys.
Felix tailed her. “Did something happen to him? Do you need us to go with you?”
She waved him off as she climbed into her car. “I’m fine. I have to do this on my own. It’s my fault he left.”
• • •
Merrick stared out the bus window lost in thought as his surroundings passed him by. He didn’t know where he was going. He didn’t care. He’d been such an idiot.
Sydney’d told him she was going to break up with Joel. That she wanted him. And like a fool he’d gobbled it all up.
She never wanted me, he thought bleakly. All this time she’d wished Joel was her destined soul mate. You can’t fight destiny.
He grunted and curled closer into himself when a man took the seat next to him. The back of his neck was prickl
ing on and off again and he really didn’t feel like seeing what was in anyone else’s head. He didn’t want to see how shitty everyone else’s lives were or weren’t. He just wanted to go back to what he’d been doing before Sydney entered his life: paying bills, finding missing persons, finding Alyssa.
Alyssa …
Sydney had promised to ask Niella about her.
He shook the thought away. That promise, like everything else she’d spoken, was nothing but a lie. He’d been a moron to trust anything she’d said.
He shoved his hands into his worn jean pockets and stopped when his fingers encountered a slick piece of paper. He pulled it out and stared down at the card Vander had given him. His gaze fell to the worn blue notebook nestled between his body and the bus wall. It had been in his possession ever since he took it from Greg’s house. He’d refused to let it out of his sight.
If you give Vander the journal, you could find Alyssa.
He ran his finger over the phone number on the card. He had nothing to lose. Not anymore. No one to lose, no one to protect. Sydney had made her choice, she’d lied to him and deceived him. Him! The one that was able to read emotions and thoughts from objects. And like an idiot he’d never read anything of Sydney’s purposely because he didn’t want to violate her privacy. It had only been her shirt that one time.
Fuck privacy.
He knew better than to trust women. They were never what they seemed and this was the last time he was going to be kicked in the teeth. He rubbed at his chest in an attempt to quell the hollow feeling within. The action only angered him more.
He yanked the chord above his head and the bus pulled off at the next stop. He clutched Kevin’s notebook to his chest as he maneuvered himself off the bus.
He scouted his surroundings until he found what he was looking for. He pulled some coins from his pockets and punched in Vander’s number.
“Yes?”
“It’s me.” Merrick said without preamble.
“Mr. Haskell, can this really be you?” Vander oily voice slithered over the line.
“It is. Are you still in California or did you flee the state?”
“I’m still here. Just taking care of some investments is all. One of which I’m sure is going to be delighted to hear your voice.”
Regina. Vander was getting her out of jail.
Merrick shuddered at the thought of her free once more. He’d worked months on end before to put women and men like her away.
But that was a different life.
“Do you still want Kevin’s journal?” He cut the bullshit and got straight to the point.
Silence on the other end before, “You have it? The real one?”
So he’d realized the box he’d obtained was filled with nothing?
“I do, but I want your word — you’re to help me find my sister. You said you could guarantee it.”
“And I can, but I’m curious, what has caused the sudden change of heart?”
A change of heart, indeed.
He redirected his thoughts before they got away from him.
“Nothing that need concern you. I’m willing to trade the journal for access to your company’s resources and a guarantee of finding my sister when Kevin wakes up. I will not work for you. Are we clear? This is a one time deal: the journal for my sister and anything related to my sister.”
“That doesn’t sound like a very fair trade, Mr. Haskell. You’ll be getting all my resources but any help you could offer me you’re refusing to give?”
“Take it or leave it, I don’t care. I’ll burn this journal right now if you don’t take the deal, it’s no matter to me.”
“And what if there’s nothing in it about my Mirror Mate?”
He clutched the notebook in his hand. “There is.”
For the next few seconds he heard nothing but Vander’s breathing. “You read it?”
“I did. Is that a problem?”
There was a thoughtful sound on the other end. “No, I guess not. Very well, Mr. Haskell. When and where would you like to exchange items?”
“Exchange items?”
“Yes, the journal for a laptop connected to any and all databanks to the Kratos Corporation. You won’t have to deal with any pesky security codes. You’ll have full access to anything, everything, and anyone. There will be a specific e-mail set up for you that will grant you access to numerous people in high places. Is that good enough for you?”
“What’s the catch?”
“No catch, Mr. Haskell. The laptop for the journal. But I’d like to point out that I’m taking a lot on faith here that there will be useful information for me in this journal. If you’ve lied to me again, your death will be a slow and painful one, that I can guarantee.”
“Your threats don’t scare me, Vander. There’s information you want in here. Swing by my apartment in two days’ time and you’ll get your trade. I trust you remember where I live.”
“I do.”
“Good. And by the way, Vander, her name is Deborah.”
He hung up the phone and dug out the attached phone book for the closest hotel. There was no way he could return to his apartment. He couldn’t trust Vander. He’d probably sic Jente on him in the middle of the night to slit his throat and take the journal. There’d be less hassle that way. That’s what Merrick would do if he were an evil and power hungry millionaire.
Chapter 27
Merrick waved down the cab he’d called to take him to his apartment. As the taxi pulled up to the curb he got a good look at himself in the window. Dark circles under his eyes, pale skin, sunken cheeks. If possible he looked worse than he did when he’d first escaped Vander.
He blamed it on his horrible sleeping pattern. He’d barely been able to sleep for the past two days. His thoughts kept circling unbidden to Sydney. Every time he’d dreamed, it was of her face, her body …
He’d wake up with a raging hard-on and a fierce aching in his chest that refused to leave him.
Was this what he was to endure for the rest of his life?
He hoped Sydney was suffering as much as he was, but as soon as the thought left him he instantly regretted it. Even now he wanted no harm to come to her.
He swore under his breath and wrenched the car door open. He barked his address to the driver and sulked in the back, already feeling on edge. He’d thought finding his Mirror Mate would be a blessing, not a curse.
I guess that’s what happens when your Mirror Mate doesn’t want you.
And to think he thought himself in love with her.
His stomach twisted painfully. He rolled down the window to get some air.
“Are you all right?” the driver asked him. “You look a little green. Do you need me to pull over? I don’t want you puking in my car.”
“I’ll be fine,” Merrick growled at him. “Just drive.”
He clutched the edges of his seat. No wonder this was so hard for him. He was in love with Sydney. The realization was worse than being kicked in the gut.
You’re pathetic. Weak. The whole thing was an act and you went and fell in love with the woman. It serves you right.
He leaned forward in his seat and rested his head in his hands. He fisted his hair — wanted to pull it from his head. Damn her. Damn her whole guild for making him feel anything for them.
It was his time back at the station all over again.
Not for long, he thought darkly.
He straightened and glanced down at the journal next to him. In a few short minutes his mind would be occupied with finding Alyssa. He’d be back to what was really important in his life. He had no reason to be invested in stopping Vander. He wasn’t a member of the Guild of Truth. He scoffed at the title. Truth … yeah, right. As long as he was left alone with the Kratos resources at his fingertips, he didn’t care what the Guild of Truth did.
Yes you do. Don’t lie to yourself. You’re not that heartless of a person.
Yes he was.
If you were, then you would’ve
given Vander the journal yesterday, not today when —
“We’re here,” the cab driver said bluntly.
Merrick snatched the journal and flung money at the driver, uncaring when he started shouting obscenities at him.
He didn’t see any suspicious vehicles parked outside his apartment building but he could sense that he was being watched. “Come and get it, Vander,” he mumbled and took his stairs two at a time.
There were no intruders inside his apartment and he hastily changed into a pair of clean clothes. As soon as he stepped out of his bedroom there came a knock on his door. Short and clipped. A business knock. Vander.
He tucked the journal into the back waistband of his pants and tugged his shirt to cover it.
Vander was waiting on the other side of the door, along with Regina, Dennis, and the nameless pain inflictor. Merrick didn’t step back to let them in. “Those three stay out here,” he told Vander plainly.
Vander inclined his head. “If that is what you wish.”
Merrick stepped back.
Vander strolled into his home, a fancy cane held in one hand. There was a slight limp to his gait and Merrick smirked. He wondered if Felix or Cali had been the one to give it to him.
He slammed the door in Regina’s face and turned to Vander. “Body’s a little more fragile these days, huh?”
Vander leaned heavily on his cane. “I’m afraid old age just doesn’t agree with me. Now, where is the journal?”
“Where’s my laptop?” It hadn’t escaped him that Vander wasn’t carrying any kind of backpack.
Vander smiled and gave a careless shrug. “You’ll get your laptop after you give me the journal. Regina has it out in the hall.”
“Bullshit.” Merrick ripped open his door.
Regina and her two partners still stood there in formation. Dennis handed her a black bag that she held up to him. It was the right size but when he went to reach for it she pulled it back.
“We had a deal, Mr. Haskell,” Vander said from behind him.
He turned so neither party was at his back. “How do I know that bag has a laptop in it and not a collection of rocks?”
Guild of Truth 02 - Shield from the Heart Page 25