by Leanne Davis
He sighed loudly. “That’s not what I meant. I meant you’re not privy to managerial decisions. Or executive decisions. Look, I have to be your boss sometimes.”
“I know that.”
“Then what made you succumb to the urge to come over to my house on a Saturday morning?”
“You gave me your address, remember?”
“Yeah, for emergencies only. Not to come bitch me out for ‘being mean’ to a friend of yours.”
She dropped her gaze to her feet, and her cheeks started to feel hot. “I know. I just, I thought you were furious at me for what I did in the meeting. I thought–”
“I didn’t think about it after we left the conference room.”
“But you were being so unreasonable. It seems like you try to make everyone at the company afraid of you.”
“Afraid of me? I wouldn’t go that far. I’m just busy. I don’t care how I come across. What is it you’re most upset about, Joelle? That I’m not Trina’s nice older brother anymore? Or that I treated you like any other employee?”
Her heart skipped, and she gasped. God, he was right. She didn’t like it. She didn’t like knowing the Nick she’d come to rely on wasn’t that way to his other employees. She especially didn’t like him not being the old Nick towards her. Yesterday, he was different: moody, mad, and annoyed at her. Like Rob, with whom she never knew what to expect. She thought with Nick, that she’d become used to his even temper and stability. His all-around nice way with her. Was that what bothered her so much? Did he, in fact, only think of her as any other employee?
“I didn’t like being intimidated by you, or treated like the rest of your nameless employees.” Her voice was a whisper.
But she was more than just intimidated by Nick Lassiter. She was terrified of him. And worse, she was dreading, but also couldn’t seem to wait for Monday, just to clear the air between them. Why couldn’t she find the gumption to say “boo!” to her own husband regarding the most trivial of things, but managed to muster up the courage to crash her boss’s house and then tell him off?
“That’s the thing, Joelle, all you can be to me is an employee… isn’t it?”
Joelle nearly flinched. She looked towards his living room, and noticed the two wine glasses left on the coffee table. The silence grew thick and awkward, as she nodded toward the glasses, and said, “So, I gather you don’t have the kinds of parties here that I do at my house.”
Nick glanced to where she was looking. “No. Not hardly. Quiet dinner parties. Dates. That’s about it.”
“Look, I should let you get back to your day–”
“Why couldn’t this have waited until Monday, Joelle?” he asked, his gaze pinning her, and his tone insistent. He wanted the real reason, which she wasn’t sure she knew. Her reasons weren’t logical; they were more like feelings she could not deny.
“I don’t know.” She looked up at him, then quickly away. “I’m sorry for making this personal.”
“I think we’re past personal already,” Nick said. He leaned his shoulder into the wall, and crossed his arms over his chest.
Joelle licked her lips. “Is Erica your girlfriend?”
“Yes, she is.”
“You’ve never mentioned her before.”
“I try to keep my personal life private.”
Why was his life private, but hers always open for his criticism?
“Is it serious between you two?”
He shrugged. “Maybe. Perhaps time will tell.”
“Are the feelings there or not?”
“It’s not necessarily like that. There’s this thing called dating, whereby you take some time to get to know someone, and have some fun, perhaps some sex, and conversation. Of course, it’s not like being nineteen and married before you know any better.”
She jerked back. “That was low. You don’t know everything about me.”
He snorted.
She bristled. “Marriage is complicated; you really don’t know everything about my life.”
“No, you don’t know about your life.”
“Why do you sound so angry at me?”
He stood up straighter, stepping closer, and making her step back. His voice became softer, quieter, and more intense. “Because you don’t know why you’re here, and I do.”
She stared up at him, biting her lip. “I don’t know what you mean by that.”
“That’s always it with you, isn’t it? You never really know anything, do you? You don’t even really know why you’re here.”
“I felt like–”
“What? What do you feel? About me? About Rob? About yourself? Tell me, Joelle, when are you going to get a clue of what you really feel?”
She didn’t know what he wanted from her. She stepped back. “I need this job, Nick. That’s why I’m here,” she said finally, her voice nearly a whisper. How could she explain to him that this job had come to represent the only sanity in her life, her lifeline towards something good, something decent, something she could control? The thing was: she didn’t control it, Nick did. He gave her the job; she hadn’t struggled for or earned it. And he could take it from her anytime he pleased.
Nick sighed. “Your job won’t disappear. When have I ever said or done anything to suggest that?”
She nodded. Didn’t she know she could trust Nick if no one else? It was a new concept for her. To take someone’s word and believe it. “I thought maybe I ruined that yesterday.”
“Do me the favor: don’t expect me to react to things the way your husband does. I won’t do anything to hurt you.”
The thing that scared her the most was she already knew that. She’d come to rely on him, and the thought that he was mad at her really panicked her, and made her come running there to fix it all.
“Why, Nick? Why do you try so hard to be nice to me?”
“It’s not so hard to do. Why don’t you see that? You’re a nice person; why shouldn’t I be nice to you? Why is it so hard for you to believe that someone might want to help you?”
“It’s just hard for me to trust or believe sometimes. Rob, he used to be nice to me, he used to care about me, and help me, but he changed. Everything changed. I guess I just temporarily forgot what it’s like to be able to rely on someone.”
Nick shook his head. “Why don’t you leave him? Go find a life for yourself. Leave Rob and find real happiness.”
“I don’t want to leave Rob. I just want... I want Rob to get better and be the Rob I thought I was married to. But I can’t leave just because it’s gotten hard, or because things have changed.”
“Yeah, you can leave. I’ll help you. If you need money or help finding a place to stay, I’ll help you.”
Joelle froze. She could not believe they were having this conversation, or that Nick was saying this to her. Never mind that his offer sent something electric through her at the thought he would be willing to help her so much. “No. I won’t, and I’m not ever going to leave him. I can’t believe you’d even suggest it.”
“I can’t believe you don’t jump at the opportunity.”
She finally raised her eyes to his, and he lifted the corner of his mouth. Was that a smile?
She couldn’t help smiling as she said, “Nick, stop it. Please. I’m not leaving Rob.”
He shook his head. “You’re wasting your life on him. Someday, you’ll see it, and when you do, come see me.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying; you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Nick opened the door for her, and held it. He stared into her eyes as she started past him. “That’s the sad part, Joelle, I know exactly what I’m talking about. I just fear how long it will be before you see it. Just do me a favor okay? Watch your back. And if you need me, I’ll be here. Whether I’m pissed off at you or not, I’ll always be here if you need it.”
****
Things began to improve for Joelle over the next few months. Then Rob’s latest demo came back: rejected. He was so depress
ed, he started drinking at ten o’clock that morning. Each rejection sent Rob deeper and deeper into the vicious cycle of depression, partying, and drinking more. All of it affected Joelle’s life, as well as all the strangers that followed Rob’s destructive path.
Joelle hated it. It was every day and every night. Rob slept entire days away; he was sick, losing weight, and miserable. His whole body shook from the time he got up until he took his first drink. He was desperate for Joelle’s company, but he often became angry at her, or picked a fight, or was mean like he never was before.
The honeymoon of the new job, during which she felt hopeful, and that things were headed in the right way for them, started to wear off. The job was her favorite place to go, anything to get away from the hell she lived in. But then, another few months went by and she was exhausted again. The stomachaches returned. Her mind had a hard time focusing and keeping up with her schedule. She lost weight again as her appetite was diminished by her frequent stomachaches. Whatever small spurt of optimism she once had was gone and she finally quit smiling, quit seeking Nick’s company, quit thinking, and tried to quit feeling.
She found a new Al-Anon meeting to attend. It met on early Saturday mornings. This time, she got it. She knew how miserable she was, and began to sense how others at these meetings felt. She started nodding in agreement with the speakers. She started listening, believing, and relating to the others. She was living with an alcoholic who was ruining her life. It was like walking on eggshells each moment she spent at home. Joelle didn’t know what to do. She tried talking to Rob, but it always seemed to make things worse. At long last, she realized that her life was just as bad as Nick said it was.
Chapter Twelve
“Mr. Lassiter, there’s an urgent call I think you should take.”
Bev was standing in his doorway, and he was right in the middle of working through a complex computer program. “I said to hold my calls.”
“It’s about Joelle, sir; I thought you’d want to know.”
Bev looked Nick squarely in the eye, but she kept her expression carefully blank.
“All right, thanks,” he said, as he picked up his phone.
“Nick Lassiter?”
“Yes.”
“This is Betty Gallion, head nurse at Seattle City Hospital. We have your sister here, and she listed you as her emergency contact. She came into the ER complaining of acute stomach pain, and then passed out. I thought you’d like to know where she was.”
“My sister?”
“Yes. Joelle. Joelle Williams. You are her brother, aren’t you? She has you listed as that.”
“Uh. Yeah. Sure. Joelle, of course. I’ll be right there.” Nick immediately got up, his heart suddenly racing. What was wrong with Joelle? Why did she write down his name for emergencies? Why did she pass out? He hurried past Bev without a word, and didn’t bother to lock his office door. The panic in his gut overshadowed every other thought: those rational, cold, analytical thoughts that usually dominated his life. His emotions were on high alert. Suddenly, in a panic, he could think about nothing, but getting to Joelle and the hospital.
Upon his arrival, he waded through the crowded waiting room and staff of nurses until finally, he was allowed into Joelle’s hospital room, where she was admitted. He found her reclined on the bed, her unnaturally black hair contrasting with her stark pallor, and giving her a harsher appearance. He sat down in a spare chair he found beside the bed. What was wrong with her? She looked so tiny lying there, so defenseless. Having not seen much of her in the past months, since her visit to his apartment, they left things somewhat strained between them as was evidenced in the few times they passed each other at work. Still, she wrote his name on her admission papers. Why? What did that mean? And why was he so willing, almost frantic, to drop everything the moment he heard something about her?
A nurse came in and checked her vitals before noting them down on the chart and leaving again. Nick sat there quietly, until finally, Joelle started to come around. Slowly, her eyes fluttered open. Her head rolled to the side and she was physically startled, as she gasped, “Nick?”
“Hi, Joelle.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Any good brother would visit his little sister in the hospital.”
She flinched. “Oh, yeah. I did do that.”
“Why? Why did you do that?”
“I don’t know.”
Nick shook his head. “It doesn’t matter why. How are you feeling?”
“Tired.”
“Are you all right?”
She nodded, looking away. “I know why I did it.”
“Did what?”
“I put you down as my brother because I knew I could rely on you to come, no matter what.”
The huge elephant in the room, or why she couldn’t rely on her husband anymore, was not mentioned. But why, Nick wondered, did someone as young and healthy as Joelle wind up in the hospital, needing an emergency contact?
“I’m sorry you bothered to come down here. For nothing.”
“Must be something, if you’re lying in a hospital bed. Want to tell me about it?”
“No.”
“What’s wrong, Joelle?”
“Everything,” she said, turning her head away.
Nick snapped to attention when he heard a noise and commotion coming down the hall, which terminated at Joelle’s room. There stood Rob, and all his friends from the band. All were strangely attired for visiting the hospital at two o’clock in the afternoon. Rob always wore black, and accessorized it with chains, heavy necklaces and even a spiked dog collar on his neck.
“Baby, what happened? I just got your voice mail,” Rob said, coming forward, hardly sparing a glance at Nick. Taking Joelle’s hand, he nearly slid into bed with her. Why did Rob have a cell phone and Joelle didn’t?
Joelle glanced over at Nick, and quickly looked away as if she were embarrassed to be caught with Rob in front of him, or vice versa. Whatever was wrong, Joelle wasn’t ready to discuss it.
“I have an infection.”
“From what? What kind? What the hell is this?”
“I-ah, well, it’s, you know, private. A girl kind of infection.”
“No, obviously, I don’t know.”
Nick stood up then. Whatever was wrong, he could see that Joelle needed and craved her privacy.
“We’ll leave you two alone,” Nick said, glaring at the band members in a tacit command for them to get out too.
Rob turned towards him. “You’re the boss, right? Lassiter, isn’t it? What the hell are you doing here?”
“She got sick at work,” Nick said, without blinking or a moment’s hesitation. Joelle nodded in gratitude.
“Seem to be everywhere lately, don’t you?” Rob mumbled as he turned back to Joelle, taking the chair Nick just vacated.
Nick left, feeling unsure of what else he could do. Not knowing what was really wrong with Joelle, he sensed she wanted him to stay there. And why didn’t he feel the slightest bit weird about showing up everywhere Joelle happened to be, when her husband wasn’t? A few weeks earlier, he wanted to bow out whenever Rob showed up. Suddenly, today, he wanted nothing more than to order Rob to get away from Joelle, and tell him to leave her the hell alone. Why didn’t he feel bad about that? Or guilty? Surely, he would not have felt that way only a few weeks before? Now, however, he felt justified. Rob was a lousy husband, and a lousy friend even to Joelle. And Nick wasn’t. He was good to her, and good for her. So why did Rob get all the rights to her?
Because, of course, they were married.
Attending a charity dinner that he’d paid for weeks ago, he seemed distant, almost absent to Erica, and barely registered any memory of the function. About halfway through, he became overly worried about Joelle. He was angry she wouldn’t tell him what was wrong with her, yet still relied on him and not her husband. What did she want? Or need from him? And how far was he willing to go? Becoming her fill-in husband? Or just her reliable f
riend? What was he to her?
He dropped Erica off at her apartment early, with little more than a chaste kiss goodbye and drove straight to the hospital. The hospital seemed much dimmer as patients slept for the night, and the staff was smaller. Even the sounds of the ventilators and other machines were muted. Joelle’s room was empty, but for her. Rob didn’t stay. The thought suddenly crossed Nick’s mind: what was he thinking by coming here at this hour? He started to leave when she stirred.
“Nick? Why are you back here?”
“I was out, and thought I’d stop in and make sure you were okay.”
“Out where?” she asked, eyeing his tuxedo.
“Out at a fund-raiser. Nothing big. I’ll leave now and let you rest.”
“Wait.” Her hand snaked out and grabbed his as he started to turn. He looked down at her small hand on his. “I don’t need that much rest.”
He smiled at her warm tone, and pulled the chair up closer to her head. He sat down, still holding her hand, then sandwiching it between his own. Why was he so reluctant to let go?
“Why are you really here?” Joelle asked.
“I knew he’d leave you alone tonight. I didn’t want you to be alone unless you wanted to be.”
She didn’t have to ask who “he” was. She waited a long moment before answering, “I don’t want to be alone.”
Nick leaned forward, resting her hand against his forehead. What the hell was he going to do?
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, after a while.
She turned her head away and fixed her gaze on the bare wall. “I have an infection.”
“So you said. What does that mean?” He frowned when he thought about what she wouldn’t tell him. “Did you have a miscarriage? Is that what you were too embarrassed to say in front of me?”
Tears welled up in her eyes, but still, she didn’t turn towards him. “Not this time.”
“Not this time?” he repeated, looking confused. “What does that mean?”
“It means I miscarried a few weeks ago. I thought everything was fine. But it wasn’t. There was still some stuff stuck in me. It got infected, and caused me to end up here.”