"Okay, okay," Kim finally said after they finished dinner. Smiling a little wanly, Kim went on, "You aren't going to let this go, are you?" Erin smiled back, shook her head and took Kim's hand in hers reassuringly.
"Well I hope it's still okay after I get done. Erin, I was pretty sure it wouldn't bother you that I was a lesbian. I know you are tolerant and accepting. You care about people because of who they are, not a label that gets applied to them. But it was still hard to tell you for another reason." Kim sighed just a little after saying that and then took a deep breath.
"You said that it didn't matter to you. And that's my problem." Kim almost looked like she was going to cry. "I want it to mean something." She paused for a moment to help pull herself together, her fingers leaving Erin's hand.
Erin didn't quite get what Kim was trying to say. But what was clear to her was Kim. Kim's perfect face was in perfect focus and it was unhappy. She reached out and took Kim's hand back into hers. She leaned close to Kim so that she could talk quietly.
"Don't cry, Kim honey. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere," Erin paused for few seconds while she thought about what Kim had said. "You want it to mean something. Mean something what?" Then it hit Erin and all she said was, "Ah."
Kim was clutching Erin's hand. She remained quiet.
Erin spoke again. "You wanted it to mean something ... because you like me."
Nodding, Kim finally found her tongue again. "I do. I like you a lot, Erin." A single tear squeezed its way out and started to roll down her cheek. Erin reached out to gently wipe it away. "I kept meaning to tell you. I know it is stupid, but I kept worrying that you wouldn't want to be around me if you knew. And I am so happy being around you."
"I'm happy being around you too, Kim. I thought you knew that. I never would have walked away from our friendship."
Kim looked down at their joined hands. "I do know that, down inside. But insecurities aren't always rational." She looked back up into Erin's eyes. "But the problem now is me. I like you too much. I want this. Now that it is out in the open, I am not sure if I can be just friends." She squeezed Erin's fingers in hers as she continued to watch Erin's face. Another tear welled in her eye.
Erin's heart felt like it was being twisted. It tore her up to see Kim hurting so much. She leaned forward again. Kim turned her head to make it easier for Erin to talk close to her ear. But Erin reached up with her free hand to turn it back towards her. Pausing for just a last moment, Erin looked at Kim. She wasn't just desirable. She was special. Erin didn't know what it would mean, but she jumped in with both eyes open. She kissed Kim softly. The kiss lingered. It wasn't passionate but the feelings were clear.
As the kiss ended, Kim didn't know what to say. She just kept her head pressing against Erin's, drinking in the strength that she felt was there. She waited for Erin to say something, a little afraid of destroying the moment.
"Kim, I don't care that you are a woman. I may not be a lesbian. I'm not sure what I am, but I care about you. That is enough for me. When I have been around you, I felt something that I didn't expect. Something I liked" She brushed her lips against Kim's again. Kim's lips pressed against and followed Erin's. Her voice was husky when she spoke again. "I just didn't know what it was until right now."
Once more they kissed. This time there was a little more passion in it. Their lips moved against each other. Erin's hand slid around the back of Kim's head and lightly pulled Kim to her. Kim's mouth parted just a bit and Erin almost flicked her tongue into her mouth but was not quite ready to do that. It was all so new to her.
"I dreamed that this might happen, but I never thought it really would," Kim sighed after the kiss.
Erin smiled. "I've never been someone's dream before. Are you sure you have the right gal?"
Erin was surprised by how serious Kim became. "You are my dream, Erin. You are strong, beautiful, caring, and have just the type of body that I love." Then she smiled her impish grin. "Plus, I get to pick what my dream woman is like. Nobody else gets to!"
Blushing a little, Erin patted the seat beside her. Kim got up and slid in next to Erin and snuggled up against her. "Is this okay? I know it is new to you."
"New but nice!" Erin put an arm around Kim. It felt right.
Soon they were talking as comfortably as ever. But now it was a little more intimate. Kim shared a few more details about her life, things that wouldn't have made sense before. Kim talked about how her relationship with her mother had been strained for several years. Erin heard for the first time a little about past relationships. As they talked, Kim would occasionally touch Erin. Her fingers would softly stroke Erin's lower arm. She rested her head against Erin's shoulder.
Finally Erin realized that they need to leave for the game to get there on time. She felt a little conflicted because of what was happening between her and Kim. Part of her wanted to go somewhere private and just see what happened. But there was another bigger part of her that was nervous and felt the need to be in a familiar setting while she took these first new steps.
"We need to go, Kim. Let me just get the bill and then we can head over to the stadium."
Kim made a little protest when she realized that Erin was determined to pay for both of them, but was quickly shut down.
"I didn't know this was going to be a date," Erin said with a smile. "But since it is turning into one, then I am taking you out especially because I have a full time job and you just have a part time job while still paying for school!" Once Erin put her foot down, Kim didn't argue with her.
As they walked out of the restaurant, Kim wanted to take Erin's hand but she was too nervous to do it. She knew that this was new for Erin and she was nervous about scaring her away. Walking to the car, she contented herself with walking close enough beside Erin that their bodies were in almost constant contact.
Driving over to the stadium, Erin helped calm Kim's nervous butterflies by holding her hand. Their fingers linked together which made Kim smile in the cutest way. Erin felt her own heart beat a little faster when she saw it.
It wasn't a long drive and neither one of them said much of anything. They were both lost in their own thoughts.
After Erin parked, Kim finally spoke up. "Erin, how do you want to handle this? I know there will probably be people around that you know and I'm fine if you don't want to be public at this point. Believe me. I know that it isn't the easiest thing in the world."
Honestly that hadn't even crossed Erin's mind. She needed to think for a few moments before answering. Even then it was an equivocal answer. "I don't know Kim. I guess the thing is that regardless of the gender issue, I am somewhat of a private person. If you were a guy that I was out with on the first date, I wouldn't be very demonstrative in public. At the same time, I like you touching me. Maybe let's just start keeping it kind of cool and then see how it goes."
"Okay," Kim replied. She was happy to follow any guidelines that Erin set down.
Grabbing all the cold weather items from the back of the car, they trudged off to the stadium and find some seats. It wasn't difficult. It was college soccer, and women's at that. Unjust though it may be, they rarely played before big audiences. The rain just made things worse. Erin had two blankets to wrap around them and keep them warm. It was an arrangement of which Kim wholeheartedly approved. Under the blankets, their arms and hands were hidden and Kim slipped her arm around Erin. At most, they looked like they were cuddling together to keep away the cold.
Normally Erin would have been frustrated by the game. The cold and the rain tremendously slowed the game down. It became a defense battle where no one could get into position to even take a shot. Tonight she appreciated that the game wasn't distracting her very much. Kim was much more interesting.
As the game went on, Kim got comfortable enough to push the envelope a bit. She slipped her hand down onto Erin's thigh. She started to stroke it, moving slowly from the top to inside. Her fingers curled so that her nails could trace little patterns on Erin's le
g. It wasn't overtly sexual. Kim was very careful about that.
Without really thinking about it, Erin had picked a spot that didn't have anyone else particularly close. Because of that Kim occasionally took little steps that she hoped would be okay for Erin and were unlikely to attract attention. Almost like she was tired, she leaned her head against Erin's shoulder. Once or twice she kissed Erin on the neck. Most of the time the things Kim was doing didn't provide a big reaction from Erin, but she closed her eyes during the kisses. The second time made Kim giggle.
"I can see that I am going to have to do that a lot!"
Erin blushed a little. "I can't help it if that feels good. You do it well."
Emboldened Kim leaned over to whisper in Erin's ear. "I do lots of things well." Her hand slid a little further up Erin's leg.
Erin did a double take. This was a side of Kim she hadn't seen before. And while it wasn't bad, it was happening fairly fast. She had never been an easy date. She took her time before she let things happen. Was this different, just because it was a woman? Should it be? She didn't think so; maybe even more so, but for a different reason. Even at the beginning with her boyfriends, she had never felt the intense attraction that she was feeling now. There was always some part of her that stayed apart. With Kim, she could tell that it wouldn't be too hard to lose her heart fast. And as good as it felt right now, she wanted to let it develop on its own pace. This was very new territory for her.
Not wanting to bring back Kim's nervousness, she calmly said "I am pretty sure you do. And I look forward to discovering all of those things. But Kim, Baby, I need to take it slow a little slow. It isn't you." She hugged Kim tight. "It is me. I have never been someone who goes to bed with someone on the first date. I usually don't even pet." Finishing and despite being in public, she kissed Kim in the same way as before. This time when Kim's lips parted, she did flick her tongue against them in just the lightest of touches.
Kim's eyes were bright as the kiss ended. "I understand, Erin. I am sorry for pushing too much. I will behave." Under the blanket she turned her hand so that their fingers interlocked.
She looked at Erin thoughtfully. "This is a first for me too, you know. I have never gone out with a straight girl before. I haven't even had another real crush on one. Most lesbians avoid it because it is usually a road to heartache. But I couldn't help myself with you. I'm not sure how to act with you. So we will both be learning, together."
Erin nodded. She hadn't thought about that, any of it actually.
All of a sudden, Kim noticed that there were some women moving towards them. She whispered "Incoming."
Erin looked over and recognized them. They were all former teammates from a number of different years. When they reached the two of them, Erin stood and hugged each of them. She introduced Kim all around as "my friend." Most of them didn't give it a second thought, but there was one who actually knew Kim slightly. Jill and Kim had crossed paths at a local lesbian bar, both of them with other people. Jill raised her eyebrow just the slightest bit at Kim but Kim ignored it.
Although at the very start Erin felt a little resentful of the intrusion even though they were friends, after a little while she started to appreciate it. It was a great excuse to keep things under control. It was all so new, not just the lesbian aspect. She wasn't expecting to fall into a relationship and she was cautious about them by nature. She very much wanted to see where it would take her, but slowly.
Under the blanket, both of them still had their hands on each other but now they were still. It was a little harder for Kim. The mere touch of Erin was enough to excite her but she knew better than to try and push things along further.
And seeing Erin with her old teammates helped Kim to get to know Erin a little better. It was clear how much they respected Erin. She had been one of the real leaders of the team, even when she was a sophomore. The two women who had been seniors on that team felt the same as the ones in Erin's year. And they were all a lot of fun. Pretty soon Kim felt like an accepted part of the group.
Finally very late in the game, the home team had a breakaway that they were able to keep moving despite the wet field. The pass across was perfect and one of the women was able to pound it into the net. Jumping up and down, they all had to hug each other. They had all resigned themselves to a scoreless draw. The final minutes ticked off and they all had to hug again.
The others were talking about going for a beer after the game and asked Erin if she and Kim wanted to come along. Erin looked over at Kim and caught her in a delicate little yawn. She moved over next to her.
"Kim, are you tired?" Erin asked.
"Just a little," Kim replied. And then she laid her head on Erin's shoulder, the way any friend might do when she was tired. Erin smiled.
"I'll be right back, Kim," Erin said. She went over to the rest of the group to let them know that they were going to leave. They started to protest and argue until Erin pointed over at Kim who was resting her arms on the back of the seats in front of her and laying her head on her arms. Her eyes were still open but they kept blinking slowly. The rest of the gang laughed and allowed that maybe it was time for Kim to head home.
When Kim got up as Erin approached, she slipped her arm through Erin's and again rested against her as they left. Only Jill paid any attention to them. While few others might not have noticed anything, it was clear to her that they were together. She shook her head, having made similar choices. Neither time she had fallen for straight friends had worked out, even when they seemed like they would at the beginning. She wished she could save both of them from similar heartache, but they weren't going to listen. Jill could see that. Sighing a little, she turned away and followed the group as they left and tried banish those memories from her mind.
The walk back to the car revived Kim a little. As she became more aware of her surroundings, Kim got a little nervous again. She wasn't sure how Erin wanted to act out in the open. Erin solved that for her by slipping an arm around her waist. It wasn't overly affectionate but it was enough for Kim. That sense of self-confidence that Erin had was part of why Kim was so attracted to her. It didn't really occur to Erin to worry about how it might look.
On the drive back to Kim's place, they were both quiet again. It had been a good evening together but it provoked a lot of thoughts running through both of their minds. The contact from holding hands felt good to both of them. Occasionally Erin looked over at Kim. Every time she did, a happy smile lit up her face that made Kim feel like her heart was skipping a beat.
Arriving at the house that Kim shared with some friends, she looked at Erin. In a very tentative voice, she asked "Will you come in?"
Shaking her head, Erin replied "I don't think so."
They got out of the car and walked to the door. Turning to face each other at the door, Erin pulled Kim close with her arms and then held her.
"We don't have to do anything," Kim said. "We can just be together."
"I know, but it isn't my way," Erin said in a gentle tone. "I wouldn't do that with a guy. I never have." She paused for a moment. "I like you, Kim. I like you in a way I have never felt for a woman, maybe not for a man either at this stage. But I need to take my time. I can't just jump into this ... into any relationship."
She broke off and lowered her head to softly kiss Kim. It was not a passionate kiss except for just a hint. Kim held back, not trying to expand it as much as she desperately wanted. She was becoming aware that Erin could easily be scared off.
As the kiss ended, Erin continued. "I want to date you, Kim. Can we? Will you give me the time to see if we have something?"
Conflicting thoughts warred within Kim's mind. Her worst fears came vividly to life. She was heading for heartbreak in the hands of her straight friend. Kim already felt committed to Erin but she would get strung along as Erin experimented and then inevitably discarded her. But then there was the chance that it would be right; that Erin would love her and be the person Kim had been trying to find for so long.
Kim had been completely honest when she said that Erin was her dream woman. The potential was there.
Erin was willing to take a risk. Kim knew that she wasn't asking an easy thing of Erin. Kim was taking her completely out of her comfort zone, more than Erin realized at that moment. Could she match that risk? Could she hand her heart to Erin and give her permission to crush it?
And then Kim knew that she had to. If she wanted it, she had to. It was a first act of faith and trust for Kim, which was what she needed in any relationship that was going to make her happy.
"Of course, Erin. I would love to date you. I can't ask any more than that now." She looked shyly at Erin. Her voice shook as she added, "Down the road, I hope I won't even need to ask for more. It will be obvious to you."
Smiling at her, Erin bent to kiss her once more. "Okay, I am fine with that too. It is supposed to turn nice in the morning. How about I pick you up after we have both gotten some sleep? I have a game in the late afternoon. We could spend time together before that, and you could come watch me if you want."
Kim smiled back. "That would be fun. I would like that a lot." She hugged Erin.
There was one last kiss. It was frustrating for Kim. There was more passion to it. Her own excitement built but at the same time, she could feel Erin holding back, not letting it grow beyond a certain point. She knew that she needed to let Erin set the pace. With one final hug, they both said good night and Erin walked back to her car. Kim watched her drive off until she couldn't see the car anymore, and then she went inside.
On the way home, Erin tried to sort out the events of the night. How did she feel about it? She wasn't sure. While she really liked Kim, this was completely new. It was a little scary. Her mind was racing as she thought about what the relationship might mean. Did it mean she was really gay? She didn't feel any different. All her thoughts had been about Kim and how wonderful she was. Her mind started trying to get a grip on what the long term might look like, before she consciously had to push that away. Tonight was the first night of this. The future could take care of itself.
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