by Tyler May
“Yeah, and my parents like her.” He introduced her to his parents. The knife goes deeper. “Grey, I don’t understand why we can’t just keep doing what we’re doing. No one has to know.”
“You mean fucking?” You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
“Making love; I hate when you say I’m fucking you. I don’t think of it that way.”
“Are you fucking Callie? Or are you making love to her as well?” He looks away and sighs. I fire back. “Well?’
“Well what?” He shoots straight up and runs his hands angrily over his hair. “God, Grey. No, I’m not in love with Callie. So yeah, I’m fucking her. Does that make you feel better? I’m a fucking joke.” I go to him and pull him into my arms. I never realized that he was struggling so much. I feel my shirt dampen with his tears and hear the sound of sniffing. “I’m sorry. Grey, I would give anything to change this.”
“A lot of men and women go through this with their families. Maybe you need to give them the benefit of the doubt or maybe you need to put yourself first. You’re thirty years old, baby, it’s time.”
He doesn’t like my comment. He pushes off and turns away from me. “It’s what I want too.”
“But?” You said you loved me.
“But nothing. I want a wife, kids, and a fucking house with a white picket fence. I want the postcard family. I want to come home to a home-cooked meal that my pregnant barefoot wife was slaving over. I want to rub her swollen belly until she falls asleep in my arms. It’s been the picture in my head since I was young. It’s been that picture until I met you.”
“It’s a nice picture. I’m sorry I screwed that up for you.” I close my eyes as the tears start again.
“It isn’t you. It’s me. It’s all me. How can I have that if I’m in love with a man?”
“You can have that; the picture’s just a little different. Lots of men get married and have kids, and they even have the house with the white picket fence.”
“I can’t.”
“You won’t, there’s a big difference.”
“You’re right. But I need you too.” It was dead silent for what felt like forever. “I want both.”
“You can’t have both. Did you ever think about me? Do you think I deserve to watch you get married and have kids when I want to be the one there with you?”
“Grey, I don’t know how to do this. How do I tell you that you deserve something I can’t give?”
“You won’t give, get it right. Do you want to know what I want? Hmm?” I ask and he looks me in the eyes. “I want to get married. I want to watch my baby being born. I want to be sleep-deprived from midnight feedings, and I want to teach him or her how to play football. I want a dog and a house with a fucking white picket fence. Now do you want to know what I deserve? I deserve a man that wants to be with me, not behind closed doors in secret, but in front of everyone. I deserve to be kissed like he’s proud of the person that I am, not ashamed. I deserve to be his prince. I deserve to be loved the way Callie does.” He starts to weep uncontrollably. He shields his face with his hands. It kills me to see him hurt, but he is hurting me too. “I think we’re done, Jeff. We’re done. I really do hope that everything works out for you.” He tries to stop the tears long enough to talk, but fails. He nods and rubs his nose. Where is my strength coming from? I must be all cried out.
“Will you keep working until I find someone else? We can still be friends.”
“Were we ever really friends, Jeff? But we’ll try. Work, um, that’s fine. I’ll work until you find a replacement for me or I find something else.”
“I couldn’t replace you.” You already did. He stands and walks to the door. I follow and hold the door for him. “You know this wasn’t how I thought this night would end.” He locks his brown eyes to mine. “But at least you know I loved you.”
“Loved?” I ask. Why did I ask? He positions himself directly in front of me, our noses aligned. Breathe.
“Love no D.” He lays a simple and tender kiss on my lips then turns and walks away.
****
I sleep like shit. I couldn’t get Jeff out of my head. Or heart. I hate feeling this way. I don’t consider myself a sentimental man at all, but his indecisiveness has really messed me up. I’m out and proud. I was lucky my family was supportive. I’m an only child and I was raised by my mom and ex-step dad. My mom passed away when I was fifteen. My real dad took me in. I guess I should say I was lucky up to that point. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of his house. He was heavy into drugs. That was the reason my mom left him and raised me on her own. I just remember my mom saying that he was sick and needed help. My opinion is he’s an asshole. My mom was a rock star for me. Supermom was an understatement. I wouldn’t be the man I am if it wasn’t for her. Lord, knows I don’t owe my dad anything. My mom on the other hand, I miss her. Ok, Grey, get yourself together. No pity parties here.
I shuffle through the pile of clothes on my floor. I have to do laundry tonight. I get my usual attire ready for my shift at the coffeehouse. Of course, Jeff is opening with me. This is a situation destined to be slow torture, but it’s how it will be from now on, until he finds my replace my position. Maybe Callie can take my place there, too. I’m going to go in there and be my normal self. I’m not playing the victim anymore. I want him to see what a strong man looks like. I grab my bag, my cellphone, and earbuds for the subway ride. Maybe I can get lost in a little music for the twenty-minute commute. I walk outside of my apartment and there is a black Mercedes S63 parked in front. Silver? It has to be. We don’t see many vehicles like that parked here.
Silver exits the car. He’s in the back this time. He stands with those sunglasses on his face. “Good morning.”
“Uh, good morning. Why are you here?”
“I thought you might like a ride to work instead of taking the crowded subway.”
“I like the subway. I’m a people watcher.” He smiles at my words.
“Well, the subway is perfect for that. Let me word this differently: I would like to drive you to work, please.” Silver said PLEASE. Whoa.
“Ok, we can talk about why you stopped by here last night,” I say. He nods and holds the door as I get in. He walks around to the other side and joins me in the back seat. He orders his driver to take us to the Silver Coffee in Brooklyn. I put my phone and earbuds in my bag. The music will have to wait.
“Are you hungry? I can have Connor stop and pick you up something.” Connor must be the driver, duh. My mind is frazzled.
“No, I’m ok. I had some toast before I came down.”
“Toast? Well, hardly a breakfast. I’m starving so I’m going to have Connor pull into a drive-thru somewhere. Maybe McDonald’s?” Silver eats McDonald’s? Why is this amusing to me?
“I don’t see you as a fast-food eater,” I say as the driver pulls into the line at the drive-thru.
“I’m not, but I’m trying new things.” He smiles. “Now what do you want. Toast isn’t enough.” He is stopping just for me. The smirk on his face gives it away. I give him my order. I was hungry after all. Connor pulls away and we indulge in some greasy goodness. I couldn’t help but chuckle at Silver and how he is scrunching his nose with every bite. “Ok, new things definitely do not include this.” He laughs. His laugh is almost boyish.
“That’s because you ordered the egg white. Here try this bad stuff.” I hold up my sausage egg McMuffin. “It’s greasy goodness.” He hesitates, and I pooch out my bottom lip. “One bite,” I say to tempt him. He takes a deep breath and holds my hand while he nipples a part off. “Huh? It’s good, right?”
“It’s good.” He grins as he swallows. “But I think I like the handler.” He clears his throat. “Mr. Black, the reason I came over last night was: one, to make sure you were ok and two, because I wanted to talk to you about a position I have open.”
“Position?”
“That’s right. I have a position open at the club and I think you’ll be perfect for it.”
“I would assume that after what Jeff did, it would be hard to work under him and I feel you are an asset to my company. I don’t want to lose you.”
“I’m an hourly employee making minimum wage. We’re hired by the dozen, why am I an ‘asset’?”
“Because I see something different in you.” He locks his eyes to mine and I’m not sure whether to keep staring or to look away. “Please, come to dinner tonight at my place and we’ll talk. We can go over everything and then you can decide. Just hear me out.”
“Ok, I’d be a fool not to hear it at least.”
“That makes me very happy, Mr. Black. I’ll send Connor to your place about six.” We pull up to the corner and I see Jeff looking out the window. Silver looks at him and then says to me. “You don’t deserve to be hurt. Don’t let him hurt you.” It almost sounds like an order.
“I’ll see you tonight, Silver.” He laughs at my blunder.
“Silver?” Shit! Yes, that’s what I call you in my head.
“Sorry. Mr. Silver.” He nods and I get out of the car. I watch him pull away before walking into the coffeehouse.
~Chapter Four~
Brian Silver might be just what I need to get over Jeff. I’ve never gone out with a man just to screw around. Who knows? Maybe it’s time I start sowing my wild oats. I’m only young once. I go to the time clock purposely ignoring Jeff. He watches every move I make. I wrap the signature silver uniform apron around my waist and go prep the coffee pots. Jeff does his normal morning routine and glances over at me more times than I can count. Awkward silence. 8:00 a.m. comes and Jeff opens the doors to impatient coffee buyers. Of course, he hasn’t scheduled anyone else. I certainly hope that changes now.
The next few hours are filled with pushy customers and their obnoxious coffee specials. Jeff and I only talk when we are barking orders at the other. The line dies and Jeff goes into his office. Normally, I would go in and chat, but not today. As I’m cleaning the blenders and I hear the door ding. A very attractive blonde woman comes up to the counter. I greet her with a smile and the normal “Welcome to Silver Coffee, can I take your order?” She orders a specialty coffee and glances down at my name tag.
“You’re Grey!” she exclaims as I mix her drink. “I’ve been waiting to meet you.” Her face lights up.
“Do I know you?” I hand her the tall cup of mocha. I see so many people and talk to so many people on a daily basis. I love that about my job. I’m a people person.
“No, but Jeff has told me a lot about you. I’m Callie.” Callie! Beautiful blonde model-like Callie. “Is he in?” My heart drops into the pit of my stomach.
“Yeah, I’ll get him.” I walk to the back office and knock. He looks excited to see me.
“Grey, I was hoping you’d come back here. Can we talk?”
“Ah, no, Callie is at the counter for you.” Asshole! His face goes still.
“She’s here? I told her not to come here.” Why would you tell your girlfriend not to come to the place you at which you work? He scoots past me and walks to the counter and greets her with a kiss. I try to look busy, to make it less obvious that I’m listening to their conversation. Another customer comes to the counter and I take his order. As he leaves, Callie catches me.
“It was nice to meet you after so long.” So long? Didn’t they just start dating?
“What do you mean?”
“Callie,” Jeff tries to stop her. “Let’s go to my office and talk.”
“Ok, baby. Did you ask him to stand up in the wedding yet?” WHAT? Jeff looks pale.
“No, I haven’t had a chance.” I can’t talk. I can’t think.
I avoid eye contact with Jeff and try for the truth out of Callie. “Wedding? How long have you been together, Callie?”
“Six months today. He asked me to marry him last week,” she says showing me the big ring on her left hand. I can’t believe I’ve been a fool for so long. I look at Jeff and he is stiff. Why would I expect anything else from him? “Jeff was supposed to ask some of his friends to stand up and he said you were his closest male friend.” Yeah, closest male friend for sure. “He told me you were gay maybe you can help with the planning. You people like that, right?” Oh, no she didn’t. ‘You people.’ Really!
“Callie… that was very rude,” Jeff scolds her.
“I didn’t mean it that way. I’m sorry. I was just thinking you might help.”
“I’m really not the wedding planning type, Callie,” I say, glaring at Jeff. “Jeff will have to find another gay friend to take over that deed.” I about had enough of this. Turning my attention back to Callie, I play nice. “You and Jeff make the perfect pair. Congrats.” I walk into the back room and shut the door. I can hear Jeff yelling at Cassie for the comments. My problem wasn’t the comments, although she should have chosen words more wisely, my problem was the wedding in general and the jackass who cheated on her with me. I would never do that. I would NEVER cheat on someone I’m engaged to. How was I so stupid? I hear the front door chime and then footsteps coming toward the door.
“Grey, can I come in?”
“No, I’m leaving for the day.”
“You can’t leave. I have no one else here yet.”
“Not my problem. Maybe you should schedule better like Silver said.” I open the door and he’s standing right there.
“What were you doing with Mr. Silver this morning?” Jeff asks as he watches me clock out.
“He picked me up.”
“I think he likes you.”
“That’s none of your business, Jeff. You need to worry about your lovely fiancée. Where are you guys registered anyway? I wouldn’t know the first clue on what to get a lying cheating asshole for his wedding. Poor Callie.” I stop and look him straight in the eyes. “I don’t even know her, but she doesn’t deserve this.”
“Do you like Mr. Silver?” he asks, ignoring my comment.
“Really?” An aggravated sigh rolls off my lips. Well, I’m not marrying him if that’s what you’re asking! And I certainly would not even think about it when I was FUCKING someone else.”
“I was going to tell you,” he mumbles.
“When I got the wedding invitation? You know when would have been a fantastic time to tell me? When you started seeing her, and that’s when you should have stopped fucking me.” My voice is loud and I don’t care. I want him to know what I think about him.
“I didn’t want to hurt you.” Too late for that.
“No, you wanted to keep fucking me. Tell the truth for once in your life, Jeff. You wanted to keep fucking me; that was the only reason you never told me you had a girlfriend for SIX MONTHS and then you asked her to marry you. Now I can see why you said ‘I could see it going somewhere.’ No kidding!”
“I didn’t want to give you up.” He follows me to the back door. “I love you, Grey.”
“Stop saying that, please. If you loved me, you wouldn’t lie to me. If you loved me, you would stay with me, but you’re not. I have to get out of here. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I walk out leaving him babbling something out the door. I never look back. I put my earbuds in and head to the subway. I don’t go home; there’s one place I need to go. One place that makes me feel some comfort, as much as it can at least. Memorial Park Cemetery.
I stand in front of my mom’s headstone. It has a beautiful marker. The cemetery said that occasionally, donors will donate markers for people that didn’t have one. I was young and my dad was a loser. After we paid for the funeral, we had no money for her marker. For a few years it was just a makeshift memorial I would create, until one day I got a call from the cemetery saying that my mother’s grave was picked at random by an anonymous donor for a new headstone and that I could pick it out. I was so happy, she deserved this. The headstone stands tall, beautifully carved. She would have liked this marker.
Rita Jean Morris. 1970-2007. She was only thirty-seven years old. She still had a lifetime
ahead of her. She married young and had me when she was twenty-one. Sometimes it doesn’t seem real. I say a silent prayer, like I always do when I visit, and then sit against her headstone. I just need to clear my head and I know it’s not the same, but I can feel her here. I pull the book I’ve been reading from my bag and bask in the sun next to Mom for over two hours. I gain the peace I needed. I say my good-bye to Mom and make my way home. I need to get ready for dinner with Silver. I am planning on enjoying every minute of it. Only young once.
Levi is already gone when I get home. He’s been working a lot at the bar. I hop in the shower and let the water wash away the events from today. I want a clear mind when Silver talks to me about this opportunity. I get out and look in my closet. What do I wear? It’s dinner at his house. I can wear something casual. I’m the casual king. I pull a nice shirt off the hanger and put it on. I slip on my favorite pair of dark jeans and tie my new Converse shoes. I look in the full-length mirror in my room. I can see the man staring back at me: five feet eleven inches, built, blonde hair, and brown eyes. I see him and he’s broken. I’m fucking sick of being broken. I refuse to feel that way anymore. I’m going to enjoy my life. I’m going to live it to its fullest. Screw everyone else. Fuck Jeff and his Barbie-doll-trophy-wife.
I straighten my shirt and turn around to check my ass in the mirror. My ass looks awesome in these jeans. I catch a glimpse of the time. Connor should be here soon. I hurry to fix my hair, do a quick shave, and brush my teeth. Rushing out the door, I make my way to the front of my building. I want to have a cigarette before Connor gets here. I light a cigarette just as a brand-new silver Camaro pulls up. The car is fucking incredible. It pulls to the curb in front of me and Connor gets out. Holy shit it’s Silver’s. Why does that surprise me? Of course it is, the man is a CEO of a billion dollar empire.
“Mr. Black, are you ready to go?” he asks as he walks to the passenger side door and holds it open for me. I throw my newly lit smoke on the ground and climb in. He shuts the door and gets in the driver’s side. Connor looks back at me. “Mr. Silver wants you to have this.” He hands me a box. I thank him and open the box as he drives away. Inside is a brand-new smartphone and a note. It’s actually handwritten. Nice touch, Silver. I read it to myself.