by Kiara London
“Hey,” I say with a large smile, still looking at the camera. “Whatcha up to?”
“Elaina went to go grab her coat so I could get the car and pick you guys up at the door. She ran off with friends, though. So who knows how long it will take her to get a jacket.” He shakes his head and then pinches my arm. “Having fun?”
“Yeah, wasn’t too shabby,” I say. “Missed you, though.”
“Sorry,” he tells me, but I’m too busy staring at the camera lens to see if he means it. “Did something different for our viewers and hung out with Elaina’s friends.” He turns to the camera. “Let me know what you guys think of the change. I thought it was fun.”
He turns off the camera and lowers it. I sink back against the wall and bump my arm against his. Music from the gym filters out to fill the short silence.
“You good?” I ask. I remember what Elaina said about them fighting, but I don’t know if he knows I know. Either way, it’s not a bad question to ask.
“Yeah, I’m great.” I tilt my head up to look at him and he smiles at me. It doesn’t quite reach his eyes, though. He looks down and clasps both hands over his video camera in front of him. “You look nice.”
“You don’t look too bad yourself,” I say lightly.
Jasper and I were planning on only dressing half this formal if we had ended up going together. He wanted to wear an undone tie and sneakers. I wasn’t going to wear heels or do my hair. We wanted to get these ridiculous fur coats from the thrift store and show up in them. It was supposed to be fun. It got kind of serious when other plans were made and Jasper started dating Elaina. After that, the emphasis on perfection affected all of us. I mean, things were still fun, but I didn’t laugh as much as I have in the past, especially since Jasper didn’t do the worm dance. A classic that didn’t get a proper high school finale.
The DJ inside announces the final slow dance of the night, and I look down at my bare feet. My stomach does a flip when I realize it’s one of my favorite songs and we’re all alone in the hallway, trying not to act awkward with each other.
Suddenly, Jasper holds out a hand in front of me. “Shall we?”
I sputter and lean away. “Are you kidding me?” I say, and glance down the hall for signs of Elaina. Things get weird when you’ve been confronted by a guy’s girlfriend regarding your relationship. I don’t know if this crosses the line, and I don’t want to find out.
“What?” he asks, and sets his camera down on the floor. “It’s ‘Drops of Jupiter,’ June.”
“Jas, it’s a slow dance.”
“Juniper May,” he says, aghast. “We danced to this song in the seventh grade on the coffee table in my living room and now you won’t dance with me because it’s been turned romantic? Who are you?”
“Someone who doesn’t want to get beat up by Elaina.”
He rolls his eyes and takes both of my hands, pulling me away from the wall. “She’s not that type. Dance with me.”
I reluctantly let him take me by the hands and sway me back and forth, relishing the feeling of his fingers between mine. He spins me suddenly and pulls me back, closer this time, singing along to the lyrics. I feel my face heat and turn my face away, unable to stop the giggling.
“ ‘Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star, one without a permanent scar?’ ” he sings, even though he’s laughing slightly. “ ‘And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?’ ”
I pull back and spin him this time, laughing at how he has to duck awkwardly to fit under my arm. When he’s upright again, he takes my hands and stretches them high above us, letting them fall at our sides slowly. Then I stretch our arms out between us and let him pull me back in. He spins me out and then back so that his chest is at my back and we’re rocking back and forth like this in the empty hallway, singing broken lyrics of the song in short breaths.
I let my head rest back on his shoulder and allow the warmth to fill my body from the place where his breath blows down to the tips of my toes. My eyes almost flutter closed, and I’m prepared to stand in this position for as long as we can. I hardly think he knows how much this moment is making me fall further in love with him.
Then he turns me around and presses his forehead to mine while he sings the final lyric of the song, “ ‘And are you lonely looking for yourself out there?’ ”
I let out a shaky breath and take a step back, out of his arms. Elaina is coming down the hall with her group of friends, I can hear one of the girls moaning about a tear in her dress, which I assume is the reason they took so long getting back.
I don’t know how Jasper and I went from dancing around in a circle, giggling and red in the face, to being wrapped up in each other. I feel bad about it, horrible when I see Elaina send a huge smile in Jasper’s direction. If Jasper and I were having a moment, or even if I have mistaken it as one, I know I can’t be near Elaina right now, especially now that she’s noticed I’m standing there in an empty hallway with him.
Trying not to look guilty about the ever-growing population of butterflies in my stomach, I wave at Elaina and shift my body from Jasper’s.
“Did you tell June we’re gonna get the car?” she asks him. He takes the jacket from her arm, in a way that I recognize is done to distract himself. I avoid eye contact with all of them.
“Yep,” he says. She slides her arms into her coat and he wraps it around her shoulders. “Let’s go.” Then he looks over his shoulder, not quite looking at me. “Um, could you go get the others? We should try to leave now before the rush.”
I nod and kneel down to grab his video camera. I hand it to him as I head back into the gymnasium.
The drive back is chaotic. Lenny sits up front with Jasper, and the girls squeeze together in back, thankfully with Allison between Elaina and me. For the first time, we’re all too hot to care that Jasper’s heater doesn’t work. All of our windows are rolled down, the car too full with chatter for Jasper to bother with any music.
The first to be dropped off is Allison, and then Elaina. Jasper doesn’t get out of the car to walk Elaina to her door. She just gives him a peck on the lips and gets out without many words exchanged. Nobody says anything about that.
Even though it’s logical to drop me off before Lenny, Jasper drives to Lenny’s first. Lenny says good night to both of us and takes the camera from Jasper to edit. Jasper backs up across the street and stops before my front door after Lenny leaves.
I push the car door open with the intent of leaving without saying good-bye, but his voice stops me.
“Good night, Juniper.”
“Night, Jas,” I say back, and scoot off the seat.
“We’re kind of pathetic, huh?” he wonders out loud before I can close the door.
“We’re something,” I say back. He nods and puts his car back in drive. I close the door and head up the walk to my front door.
We sure are doing a lot of acknowledging without acting on it, and maybe it’s because we’re afraid. So I guess we are kind of pathetic.
AFTER SHUTTING THE front door, I lean my back against it and push my fingers into my hairline, releasing a tense breath. The hallway is dark except for a soft blue glow coming from the living room entryway. If I still my breathing, I can hear the low hum of chatter from the television. I remember telling my dad to wait up for me before I left for the dance. Now, after what happened tonight with Jasper and Elaina, I find it hard to hold everything in. Kicking my heels off, I tiptoe down the hallway to peek into the living room.
My dad sits on the couch in his pajamas with his head resting back against the cushions, eyes drooping. When he sees me, he sits up.
“June Bug, how was the dance?”
I shrug, hands smoothing my skirt nervously. “It was a dance. Nothing special. Is Mom sleeping?”
He scoots forward and then pats the cushion beside him. “She is. Want to talk?”
I nod and cross the room to sit beside him. I don’t sink back into the cushions, but perch on th
e end stiffly. He waits for me to say something, and I give myself a few seconds to gather my thoughts. For a moment, there is nothing but silence between us.
Finally, I say, “Mom told me once that she almost didn’t marry you. She wanted to finish college, and you wanted to get married. She didn’t know if she could balance a marriage and an education—how she’d be able to afford anything. You were relentless, and she wanted to break it off.”
My dad chuckles and leans his elbows on his knees, scrubbing his face. “We did break up. Only for a short time, but I was devastated. We found our way back to each other, though. That’s how I knew I couldn’t let her go again. I had to be patient, and I learned my lesson. It sucked, but I don’t regret breaking up. It taught me that I couldn’t just expect things from her. I needed to recognize that her concerns were valid. I wanted to be with her, so I waited.”
I nod.
“Is this about Jasper?” he asks.
I glance at him and his eyebrows rise. “I pretended I didn’t notice his feelings for me. I thought that he was just being his Jasper self—the self without boundaries and harmless flirtation,” I start, and wrap my arms across my chest. “He asked me to be his girlfriend on New Year’s Eve as the ball dropped, and I choked. I didn’t know what I thought of him or how I should feel about him anymore. I could only think about how we would affect VlogIt and Lenny. I’ve mulled it over a lot since then, and I don’t think our relationship would affect them as much as I originally thought. We were practically together, anyway.”
“You said no and now you regret it,” he says.
“The worst part,” I moan, “is that we’re both trying to fix things, but I can only feel things getting worse. Sometimes we just . . . say things or do things . . . but we’re afraid.”
My hands are twisting around in my lap, and my dad puts a hand on my back in an attempt to comfort me as I begin to tell him everything I’ve been struggling with. I just need to verbalize my problems, and as always, he just listens and doesn’t judge.
I explain how Elaina came into the picture and how I went to Jasper’s house and confessed. I tell him how Jasper rejected me and how we decided to start over. I decide to include my encounter with Milo, and discuss how he feels about my relationship with Jasper—because sometimes I believe him. My dad sits beside me, quietly absorbing the information. Finally, I tell him about the half-heart necklace and dancing in the school hallway, and he rubs my back.
“Juniper,” he says. It always feels weird when my dad calls me by my full name, but it’s how I know I need to pay attention, so I lift my eyes to his. “You can’t wait on him forever. He knows how you feel, and he’s struggling with a decision. On one hand he has you. You hurt him and he feels vulnerable, but from what you tell me, I think he still loves you. You two are important in each other’s lives. I know that. Your mom and I are gone a lot, and Leeann isn’t around a whole lot for him, either. You guys are each other’s family, and he’d be stupid to let you go. But on the other hand, he sees that you’ve hurt him before, and he’s afraid you’ll do it again. He’s using Elaina as a crutch, but it sounds like she’s putting the pieces together. If she doesn’t, and he becomes too reliant on her to deal with his feelings, you need to let him go, because that means he won’t trust you in a romantic relationship. You guys are best friends; you know each other’s quirks. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. And even if things don’t work out, that doesn’t make your friendship worth any less, okay?”
My eyes are watering, and I have no idea when I became so emotional, but I feel my chest tightening in response to my dad’s speech. “Thanks, Dad,” I manage in a strained voice.
He squeezes my shoulder, and I allow him to fold me into his chest for a hug. There are many things I’m grateful for, and having this man as my dad is one of them.
We sit a little while longer and then my dad decides to hit the hay. Feeling relieved after getting his input, I decide to do the same.
I get out of the dress I wore to the Winter Semiformal and wash off the glitter Allison added to my eyelids. When I go to my closet, my eyes search for something to wear for sleep, but they stop on Jasper’s Blackhawks sweatshirt and I can’t help myself. So I pick it out and pull it on along with pajama shorts. When I go to my vanity to put my hair up, I catch a glimpse of the half-heart necklace sitting where I left it. I don’t hesitate, just pick up the half heart and clasp it around my neck, patting it to my chest when I see myself wearing it in the mirror.
Midday, I wake up to an empty house. My mom left for work earlier this morning, and my dad left me a note on the front door telling me that he’s on call today and the ER is being slammed.
I contemplate going to Jasper’s, but I don’t think it’s wise to see him after last night. I don’t want to bother Lenny if he’s editing, so I stand in the entryway of my house and stare into its emptiness. My mind is loud despite the quiet.
I take a few steps down the hallway to the kitchen, but then there is knocking at the front door. I turn in surprise and smooth my hair as I hurry to answer it, thinking maybe my dad forgot his key or I need to sign for a package my mom ordered.
When I get there and pull the door open, Jasper is standing on the doormat. I pause and my stomach flutters. His eyebrows rise and his lips part when he sees me, and I don’t understand the look of surprise until I realize that I’m wearing his sweatshirt and the half heart. My cheeks flush, and I embarrassedly turn my head away and cross my arms, trying to cover myself. He, too, shuffles around and looks away, lips becoming a thin line. The flutters in my stomach turn to stones, and I think about slamming the door in his face.
“I—uh—” He stops and runs a hand through his already mussed hair. I glance sideways at him and notice his eyes are tired. It appears as though he was up all night. “I just really needed to talk to you.” I push a lock of hair behind my ear and hesitantly glance at him again. Listening, waiting, a little uncomfortable.
He licks his lips and tries again. “I just came to tell you that I tried. I really tried, but things didn’t work, and she was hurt, and you’ve been so confusing. I don’t know what to do because I want . . .” He stops and shuffles around again. My brows furrow in confusion. “I don’t know if we want the same things, or if being friends is good enough. . . .” He stops again, and his eyes are on the sweatshirt and necklace. His lips move, trying to form words, but he stops himself each time. Finally, he points to me. “You’re wearing it.” He scratches his chin with the same hand. He’s so jittery.
“Jas,” I say. My head can’t keep up with him. I’m only picking up bits and pieces, but it’s too vague to absorb. “I don’t understand.”
“Uh.” He scratches the back of his neck and inhales deeply before exhaling. “June, Elaina and I broke up this morning.”
My heart pounds in my chest, mind reeling. “Oh,” I breathe. “Jas, I’m so sorry.”
He ducks his head. “I tried really hard to make things work, to have things go back to the way they were.” He looks up at me, brown eyes falling on mine. “I just felt like that couldn’t happen while I was with Elaina. We are the way that we are, and I’m not gonna let someone get between us, because when that happens, we don’t act like us anymore. We’re more careful, reserved. It’s not us. I want us back.”
“Me too,” I say.
He nods and looks down at his feet. My hands become restless, and one reaches up to fiddle with the half-heart charm around my neck.
“I want . . . ,” he says suddenly, and clears his throat. “I want to clear up some stuff about us.”
“Okay.”
He looks at the sweatshirt again and watches me play with the half heart for a moment. “Why are you wearing my stuff?”
He knows how I feel about him. He turned me down so that he wouldn’t be unfaithful in his relationship. He said no to keep us friends—the way I wanted us to be on New Year’s. Above all, he didn’t believe what I said was true.
“You know why, Jas,�
�� I say softly, and shift away. Now seems like the wrong time to talk about this. He just broke up with Elaina.
He swallows and nods.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he reassures me. “I’m just . . . letting everything sink in.”
“Do you want to come in?” I offer, aware that we’ve been standing in the doorway this entire time and the winter air is beginning to make me shiver. He looks numb and conflicted. I can’t tell what is going on in his head, or why he came here. I don’t think he came here for me; if he had, he would have made a move by now. Maybe he just wanted to let me know that there was nothing standing in our way. Now that Elaina is gone, perhaps he believes we can stop being weird about behaving certain ways. I agree, if that’s the case. We can stop feeling guilty now.
“Uh.” He thinks about it for a second, and then answers hesitantly, “No. I think I should just go.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” he answers. Then he takes a step forward and loops his arms around me. My arms are crushed to my chest, but it doesn’t matter. I close my eyes and lift my chin to fit it into the notch in his shoulder. When he pulls away, we give each other small smiles and he says good-bye.
I feel satisfied, in a terrible way because Elaina was affected through this, and she’s a nice person. Along with that, though, I feel disappointed. I want to be with him, and it’s understandable that right now isn’t that moment, but waiting requires patience, and I’m running out of patience.
RETURNING BACK TO school after the Winter Semiformal feels like a huge downer. The streamers and balloons that lined the halls on the way to the gymnasium have since been removed, administrators have returned to patrolling the halls instead of absently keeping to themselves in a corner, and the flushed faces of our peers once again turn sunken and tired. Any evidence of the weekend before has completely disappeared, and it makes me feel a little less awkward and a little more normal as Jasper, Lenny, and I make our way to our lockers. The glitz and drama have passed, and there’s nothing left but plain old tile floors and familiar company.