by Ranae Rose
“Like hell you don’t. The bartender keeps polishing your section of the bar every two seconds just to be near you, even though it’s clean. If you actually spilled your drink, I’m pretty sure she’d die from the thrill of it.”
Jed shrugged, his huge shoulders straining his t-shirt, much to the observing ladies’ delight. “Maybe it’s you she’s after. Ever think of that?”
James shook his head as he took a sip of his own beer, barely tasting the lager. “Nah. It’s you. Does Karen have any idea what it’s like when you go out to places like this without her?” He couldn’t help but wonder if Karen would’ve been so eager to babysit Emily if she’d realized.
“Typical,” was all Jed said.
“What’s typical?”
“You underestimating yourself, thinking you’re not good enough.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I just saw a girl almost put her eye out with the tiny umbrella in her drink because she was staring at you,” Jed said.
“I don’t give a shit, even if it’s true. I hope you didn’t bring me out here just to try to hook me up with some chick from a bar.” Right now, he was incapable of even trying to work up any enthusiasm for a fling. He was still hurting from the last time he’d done that, with a beautiful woman he’d tattooed…
Yeah, he was still reeling from her rejection and was forced to admit to himself that she’d come closer to breaking his heart than anyone else ever had. Hell, maybe she had broken it. All he knew was that there was a pain right below his breastbone that intensified whenever he thought of her.
“I didn’t,” Jed said. “Karen would kill me – now that she’s got the idea of you dating into her head, she’s determined that you need a happily ever after. You’re the only single person left at Hot Ink.”
James snorted. He’d probably be Hot Ink’s most eligible bachelor for a long time. Forever, if his inability to give a damn about any woman who wasn’t Arianna persisted.
“What I’m trying to do,” Jed continued, “is make you see that you have a bad habit of putting yourself down. You’ve gotten better over the past few years, but I can still see it. You think you’re not good enough for that woman you were seeing, don’t you?”
“I’m not.”
“Yes you are. I asked you to be my best man because I respect the hell out of you. Stop thinking you’re shit just because things didn’t work out between you and your girlfriend. It pisses me off to see you doing it. There are a lot of other women out there who’d be glad to date you, and you know it.”
Yeah, ‘date’. He’d ‘dated’ more than a few women in the past, usually for a night at a time. Sometimes longer, but he’d never gotten anywhere near the level of seriousness he’d felt with Arianna. And he’d been okay with that, until he’d had a taste of her. Now the idea of going back to having flings with women he only liked and could never love seemed lame.
He said something like that to Jed, who nodded. “If you think this woman is that special, maybe you should give it one more shot. And if that doesn’t work out, give yourself some time to get over it, but don’t go beating yourself up.”
James didn’t say anything. He respected Jed, but what Arianna had said had been pretty damn clear.
A couple of women materialized beside Jed, cosmos in hand. One was dressed in a sparkly t-shirt and the other had hair so huge it dominated her appearance, rendering her clothing utterly forgettable. They both wore big grins.
Jed took a long drink from his beer and replied with a simple “hey” when they tossed out greetings and names James was too distracted to remember.
The one with the big hair eyed up Jed while sparkly t-shirt girl seemed intent on making eye contact with James. Maybe they’d discussed things beforehand and agreed on who’d flirt with whom.
Sparkles drained her glass and shot James a smile over its rim, then set it down on the bar in front of him, purposely letting her arm drag across his biceps. “That’s another drink gone.” She leaned on the bar, invading his personal space with all the force of a small army.
He shifted on his seat, trying not to choke on the scent of her perfume. Judging by the smell, she’d bathed in it.
“I wish that bartender would hurry up,” she huffed.
The bartender who’d been scrubbing the spot in front of Jed so vigorously had disappeared once the women had showed up. Now she stood at the other end of the bar, her back to them.
Sparkles lingered at James’ side anyway, occasionally looking up and batting her eyelashes at him.
If she thought he was going to buy her a drink, she was barking up the wrong tree.
“So what’s your name?” she asked when he said nothing.
It was hard to ignore her when she was right in his face.
“James,” he said, because ignoring her didn’t seem to be a very effective deterrent anyway.
“So what do you do, James?” She drew out his name like it was something exotic. “For a living, I mean.”
He muttered something about tattooing and piercing, an answer that had her rambling on about getting inked while raising one sandaled foot. The tattoo she pointed out to him – hoisting her leg so high that half the bar could probably see up her skirt – was a butterfly, right above her ankle. Obviously flash art. Beneath it, the word princess was emblazoned in rounded letters.
Done in a lurid shade of pink, it reminded him of the Barbie dolls Crystal had played with when they’d been little.
She didn’t seem to notice his lack of enthusiasm. Or at least, she didn’t care. She kept talking and gave her eyelids such a workout he almost expected her lashes to start shedding beneath the weight of her heavy-duty mascara.
“Look,” he finally said. “I’m just here to have a beer with my friend. I’m not really in the mood for conversation.”
She stopped mid-sentence, her eyes going wide.
She looked so stricken, he almost felt bad for hurting her feelings. Almost. All his emotions had been sucked into the black hole Arianna’s rejection had created inside him, and he didn’t have any to spare on a stranger with a perfume addiction.
“Well,” she said, drawing her hand back across the bar and clicking long, neon nails against its surface. “Truth is, I’m not really in the mood for conversation either.” She leaned even closer and touched his forearm, dragging one nail across his tattoos. “What do you say we get out of here? Don’t worry about your friend – my friend will keep him occupied.”
Big Hair seemed to be plying all her conversational charms on Jed, who simply shook his head and took another drink.
James moved his arm, shaking off Sparkles’ touch. “No thanks.”
She pouted for half a second before glaring at him. “Whatever.”
Moments later, Sparkles and Big Hair had withdrawn and were stalking across the room, arms linked.
“Thanks,” Jed said, turning to James, “for whatever you said to get rid of them. That girl’s hairspray fumes were giving me a headache.”
James started to take a drink of his half-empty beer, then put it down. Fuck it – he couldn’t take this anymore. “I need you to do me a big favor.”
Jed put down his drink, too. “What?”
James pulled out his wallet, took out several bills and laid them on the bar in front of Jed. “Give one of these to the bartender and use the others to take a cab home. I’ve got to go, but I’ll try not to be too long. I’ll be by your place to pick up Emily in an hour or two.”
Jed looked at the bills, then back up at James. “Take the money. You need it to take care of your niece.”
James shook his head.
Jed sighed, took the bills and shoved them back into James’ hand. “James.”
He stood still, though he was itching to leave.
“Remember what I said. Don’t sell yourself short.”
James left, walking out of the bar, in the same direction Sparkles and Big Hair had gone.
* * * * *
Whether Jed had simply wanted to offer James some sympathy and a chance to get outside of his own head, or had had a more complex motivation for inviting him out for a drink, James wasn’t sure. Either way, James owed him big time. Him and Sparkles.
Being preyed upon by the girl in the glittering t-shirt had opened up his eyes, forcing him to confront a stark truth. When she’d touched his arm and batted her eyelashes at him, he’d felt absolutely nothing. There’d been a time when he might’ve accepted the attention, the invitation. Now, he was as capable of doing that as he was of walking through fire, or breathing under water. The idea wasn’t just painful; it was unnatural, against the very essence of his nature.
Arianna had changed him. So here he was, ready to tell her that – ready to take Jed’s advice and try one more time. Maybe Jed had been right. Maybe he had made a habit of thinking he wasn’t good enough.
It was a natural consequence of spending most of his life being unwanted, feeling like nothing. When he was confronted with rejection, he relapsed into what had often seemed like an obvious truth: he was flawed. A burden to people who knew better – were better.
Fuck that. He knew now what he could offer Arianna: everything. Everything he was, everything he had. If it wasn’t enough for her, fine. But he had to know, had to make sure she knew what he was offering, how he felt about her. How compatible he knew they were, even if she had doubts, for some reason.
He stopped in front of her unit, reading and re-reading the number on the door. Though the flight of steps was short, his heart pounded like he’d been climbing for ages. Taking a deep breath, he reached out and knocked.
There was no answer.
He tried again.
Still nothing.
Arianna was gone.
* * * * *
Arianna had barely finished her first cup of coffee when a knock came at the door. Rising and blinking the last traces of sleep from her eyes, she shuffled to the door. Today would be another day of watching Maya – another challenge. Still, Arianna felt oddly ready to face it, and not just because of the caffeine she’d just inhaled. As she strode out into the living room, she paused to admire the new addition that hung above the couch.
Set in a silver frame, an 8 x 10” print adorned the otherwise bare wall. It was the first picture ever taken of Arianna’s daughter – the one where she held her, sitting propped up in the hospital bed.
She’d gone to a 24 hour drug store the night before to scan her original and have an enlarged print made. Now, the picture was where it belonged – not just in a box under her bed. From now on, anyone she trusted enough to allow into her home would be someone she’d be willing to tell about her daughter. After all, she was who she was, and deep down, she was proud of the beautiful girl she’d brought into the world.
No more hiding who she was, no more secrets – if she didn’t think a guy might be willing to try to understand her past, she wouldn’t bring him home. Period. She’d only invite people into her life if she was willing to take that chance on them.
Just days ago, the thought of hanging Miranda’s picture in her living room would’ve terrified her. But James had changed her, even if she’d lost him. Now she knew that she didn’t want to relive the mistake she’d so recently made: getting close to someone she knew she could love and breaking her own heart by hiding who she was.
When she answered the door, she answered it with a smile.
That smile faltered when she saw who stood on the other side. Instead of Selena, James filled the doorway. Arianna’s heart launched into a frenzied pace, stunning her into motionless silence.
“I dropped Emily off at day care early this morning,” he said. “I need to talk to you. Please.”
She couldn’t deny him. It’d taken all her willpower to end things between them on the phone. Now, she found herself stepping aside and nodding.
The living room was awash in bright morning light that filtered through the window, plus the illumination shed by the fixture on the ceiling. As James emerged from the hallway’s shadows, he looked more tired than ever. The circles beneath his eyes were an unmissable shade of purple, and his tense expression made him seem exhausted, too. He closed the door softly behind himself and met Arianna’s eyes.
“I stopped by here last night,” he said, “but you weren’t home.”
“I was out on an errand.” She thought of the picture hanging above the couch, but couldn’t look away from James. Tired and sad-looking or not, he was a sight for sore eyes. She never would’ve been able to deny him to his face. Even now, she ached to wrap her arms around him.
He nodded. “I couldn’t sleep worth a damn last night, and not because of Emily. All I could think about was you.”
Her heart skipped a beat, fueling visions of embracing James. Fact was, her heart didn’t know how to protect itself from hurt. She’d spent hours lying awake thinking about him, too.
“I know you said that you don’t think what we have is cut out to last, but I think you’re wrong. I know you’re wrong. That’s what I came here to tell you. Arianna, I want to be with you. For a while, it sure as hell seemed like you wanted to be with me too. What made you change your mind?”
A knot had formed in her throat. She swallowed it, staring back at him. “I loved all the time I spent with you – every hour, every minute. But—”
Another knock came at the door.
“My sister,” Arianna said, not sure whether she should be annoyed or relieved that they’d been interrupted. Her heart felt like it was beating a million times per minute; she’d been so close to confessing what she’d kept secret. After all, she’d let James into her home … there was only one thing to do now, if she was going to keep the promise she’d made to herself.
Selena stepped through the door, Maya in her arms, as soon as Arianna opened it. “Morning,” she said. “Maya fell asleep in the car. I don’t know if she’ll wake up or not. She might just keep napping and—”
Selena stopped in her tracks the moment she laid eyes on James. “Oh. I didn’t know anyone else would be here.”
If Arianna had been less anxious, she might’ve been a little amused at her sister’s expression of shock. Selena was probably busy assuming that James had spent the night – a reasonable conclusion considering the fact that he’d shown up just after Arianna had finished her morning coffee.
“Selena, this is James. He’s the friend I was babysitting for last week. James, this is Selena.”
That was all the explanation she offered, even after Selena and James exchanged greetings. She had enough to explain to James without worrying about trying to cram in an explanation of their relationship for Selena’s sake. Stepping forward, she took Maya, who was still sleeping, from Selena’s arms. “I’ve got a little bed made up for her in my room. I’ll go lay her down.”
She retreated to her bedroom and settled Maya on the air mattress she’d layered with a sheet and blanket. When she returned to the living room, Selena was still there, staring openly at James.
She looked a little wary; maybe she was judging him by his tattoos.
In that moment, Arianna couldn’t have cared less.
James must’ve cared. “You mind if I make myself a cup of coffee, Arianna?”
“Of course not. Go ahead.”
As soon as he left for the kitchen, Selena turned to Arianna. “I’m normally not into tattoos,” she whispered, “but wow – he’s cute.”
Arianna barely kept her jaw from dropping. Selena’s reaction to James had been a surprise… Maybe James would surprise her, too.
She barely dared to hope, but the idea was there.
Arianna was already glancing toward the kitchen when Selena
laid a hand on her arm. “I have some news – only Josh, mom and dad know so far.”
Arianna turned back to face her sister. “What is it?”
“Well, I just found out last night… I’m pregnant again!” Her voice rose several octaves, echoing throughout the apartment.
“Wow,” Arianna said, ignoring the mixed emotions that sailed through her as her mind flashed back to her own pregnancy. “Congratulations. When are you due?”
“I don’t know yet,” she replied, still speaking loudly. “I have a doctor appointment in a couple days. I didn’t even suspect I was pregnant until I started feeling nauseous in the morning. Really tired, too, in the middle of the afternoon. Well, I’m sure you remember exactly how it is.”
Arianna flinched, but Selena didn’t seem to notice. “My best guess is that I’m somewhere between six and eight weeks along,” she said. “Probably not any farther…”
Arianna stood, stiff and nervous as Selena rambled on, a big smile pasted on her face. Was she totally oblivious to what she’d just said? And had James heard?
Selena was talking so loudly, it’d be a wonder if he hadn’t. Yeah, Arianna had already decided to reveal her past to him, but it was her secret to tell, not Selena’s. What if he was drawing the wrong conclusions as they spoke?
It was a relief when Selena finally left, accepting another feeble round of congratulations from Arianna as she rushed out the door, mumbling something about being late.
When she was finally gone, Arianna retreated to the kitchen, her stomach in knots.
James was standing in front of the counter, taking a deep drink from a steaming cup of coffee. His eyes met hers over the cup’s rim, and the steam rising up from its depths did nothing to veil the intensity in his gaze.
“Guess you heard my sister’s news.” She stood facing him, her nails digging into her palms as nervous sweat began to dampen the back of her neck.
“Yeah. Good for her.”
“And … well, I guess you heard everything.”
He nodded.