by Ayn Rand
"In a year or two," he said holding her hand tightly, "we'll be married. Just as soon as I'm on my feet and set with the firm for good. I have mother to take care of, but in another year it will be all right." He tried to speak as coldly, as practically as he could, not to spoil the wonder of what he felt.
"I'll wait, Peter," she whispered. "We don't have to hurry."
"We won't tell anyone, Katie.... It's our secret, just ours until ..." And suddenly a thought came to him, and he realized, aghast, that he could not prove it had never occurred to him before; yet he knew, in complete honesty, even though it did astonish him, that he had never thought of this before. He pushed her aside. He said angrily: "Katie! You won't think that it's because of that great, damnable uncle of yours?"
She laughed; the sound was light and unconcerned, and he knew that he was vindicated.
"Lord, no, Peter! He won't like it, of course, but what do we care?"
"He won't like it? Why?"
"Oh, I don't think he approves of marriage. Not that he preaches anything immoral, but he's always told me marriage is old-fashioned, an economic device to perpetuate the institution of private property, or something like that or anyway that he doesn't like it."
"Well, that's wonderful! We'll show him."
In all sincerity, he was glad of it. It removed, not from his mind which he knew to be innocent, but from all other minds where it could occur, the suspicion that there had been in his feeling for her any hint of such considerations as applied to ... to Francon's daughter, for instance. He thought it was strange that this should seem so important; that he should wish so desperately to keep his feeling for her free from ties to all other people.
He let his head fall back, he felt the bite of snowflakes on his lips. Then he turned and kissed her. The touch of her mouth was soft and cold with the snow.
Her hat had slipped to one side, her lips were half open, her eyes round, helpless, her lashes glistening. He held her hand, palm up, and looked at it: she wore a black woolen glove and her fingers were spread out clumsily like a child's; he saw beads of melted snow in the fuzz of the glove; they sparkled radiantly once in the light of a car flashing past.
VII
THE BULLETIN OF THE ARCHITECTS' GUILD OF AMERICA CARRIED, IN its Miscellaneous Department, a short item announcing Henry Cameron's retirement. Six lines summarized his achievements in architecture and misspelled the names of his two best buildings.
Peter Keating walked into Francon's office and interrupted Francon's well-bred bargaining with an antique dealer over a snuffbox that had belonged to Madame Pompadour. Francon was precipitated into paying nine dollars and twenty-five cents more than he had intended to pay. He turned to Keating testily, after the dealer had left, and asked:
"Well, what is it, Peter, what is it?"
Keating threw the bulletin down on Francon's desk, his thumbnail underscoring the paragraph about Cameron.
"I've got to have that man," said Keating.
"What man?"
"Howard Roark."
"Who the hell," asked Francon, "is Howard Roark?"
"I've told you about him. Cameron's designer."
"Oh ... oh, yes, I believe you did. Well, go and get him."
"Do you give me a free hand on how I hire him?"
"What the hell? What is there about hiring another draftsman? Incidentally, did you have to interrupt me for that?"
"He might be difficult. And I want to get him before he decides on anyone else."
"Really? He's going to be difficult about it, is he? Do you intend to beg him to come here after Cameron's? Which is not great recommendation for a young man anyway."
"Come on, Guy. Isn't it?"
"Oh well ... well, speaking structurally, not esthetically, Cameron does give them a thorough grounding and ... Of course, Cameron was pretty important in his day. As a matter of fact, I was one of his best draftsmen myself once, long ago. There's something to be said for old Cameron when you need that sort of thing. Go ahead. Get your Roark if you think you need him."
"It's not that I really need him. But he's an old friend of mine, and out of a job, and I thought it would be a nice thing to do for him."
"Well, do anything you wish. Only don't bother me about it.... Say, Peter, don't you think this is as lovely a snuffbox as you've ever seen?"
That evening, Keating climbed, unannounced, to Roark's room and knocked, nervously, and entered cheerfully. He found Roark sitting on the window sill, smoking.
"Just passing by," said Keating, "with an evening to kill and happened to think that that's where you live, Howard, and thought I'd drop in to say hello, haven't seen you for such a long time."
"I know what you want," said Roark. "All right. How much?"
"What do you mean, Howard?"
"You know what I mean."
"Sixty-five a week," Keating blurted out. This was not the elaborate approach he had prepared, but he had not expected to find that no approach would be necessary. "Sixty-five to start with. If you think it's not enough, I could maybe ..."
"Sixty-five will do."
"You ... you'll come with us, Howard?"
"When do you want me to start?"
"Why ... as soon as you can! Monday?"
"All right."
"Thanks, Howard!"
"On one condition," said Roark. "I'm not going to do any designing. Not any. No details. No Louis XV skyscrapers. Just keep me off esthetics if you want to keep me at all. Put me in the engineering department. Send me on inspections, out in the field. Now, do you still want me?"
"Certainly. Anything you say. You'll like the place, just wait and see. You'll like Francon. He's one of Cameron's men himself."
"He shouldn't boast about it."
"Well ..."
"No. Don't worry. I won't say it to his face. I won't say anything to anyone. Is that what you wanted to know?"
"Why, no, I wasn't worried, I wasn't even thinking of that."
"Then it's settled. Good night. See you Monday."
"Well, yes ... but I'm in no special hurry, really I came to see you and..."
"What's the matter, Peter? Something bothering you?"
"No ... I..."
"You want to know why I'm doing it?" Roark smiled, without resentment or interest. "Is that it? I'll tell you, if you want to know. I don't give a damn where I work next. There's no architect in town that I'd want to work for. But I have to work somewhere, so it might as well be your Francon--if I can get what I want from you. I'm selling myself, and I'll play the game that way--for the time being."
"Really, Howard, you don't have to look at it like that. There's no limit to how far you can go with us, once you get used to it. You'll see, for a change, what a real office looks like. After Cameron's dump ..."
"We'll shut up about that, Peter, and we'll do it damn fast."
"I didn't mean to criticize or ... I didn't mean anything." He did not know what to say nor what he should feel. It was a victory, but it seemed hollow. Still, it was a victory and he felt that he wanted to feel affection for Roark.
"Howard, let's go out and have a drink, just sort of to celebrate the occasion."
"Sorry, Peter. That's not part of the job."
Keating had come here prepared to exercise caution and tact to the limit of his ability; he had achieved a purpose he had not expected to achieve; he knew he should take no chances, say nothing else and leave. But something inexplicable, beyond all practical considerations, was pushing him on. He said unheedingly:
"Can't you be human for once in your life?"
"What?"
"Human! Simple. Natural."
"But I am."
"Can't you ever relax?"
Roark smiled, because he was sitting on the window sill, leaning sloppily against the wall, his long legs hanging loosely, the cigarette held without pressure between limp fingers.
"That's not what I mean!" said Keating. "Why can't you go out for a drink with me?"
"What for
?"
"Do you always have to have a purpose? Do you always have to be so damn serious? Can't you ever do things without reason, just like everybody else? You're so serious, so old. Everything's important with you, everything's great, significant in some way, every minute, even when you keep still. Can't you ever be comfortable--and unimportant?"
"No."
"Don't you get tired of the heroic?"
"What's heroic about me?"
"Nothing. Everything. I don't know. It's not what you do. It's what you make people feel around you."
"What?"
"The un-normal. The strain. When I'm with you--it's always like a choice. Between you--and the rest of the world. I don't want that kind of a choice. I don't want to be an outsider. I want to belong. There's so much in the world that's simple and pleasant. It's not all fighting and renunciation. It is--with you."
"What have I ever renounced?"
"Oh, you'll never renounce anything! You'd walk over corpses for what you want. But it's what you've renounced by never wanting it."
"That's because you can't want both."
"Both what?"
"Look, Peter. I've never told you any of those things about me. What makes you see them? I've never asked you to make a choice between me and anything else. What makes you feel that there is a choice involved? What makes you uncomfortable when you feel that--since you're so sure I'm wrong?"
"I ... I don't know." He added: "I don't know what you're talking about." And then he asked suddenly:
"Howard, why do you hate me?"
"I don't hate you."
"Well, that's it! Why don't you hate me at least?"
"Why should I?"
"Just to give me something. I know you can't like me. You can't like anybody. So it would be kinder to acknowledge people's existence by hating them."
"I'm not kind, Peter."
And as Keating found nothing to say, Roark added:
"Go home, Peter. You got what you wanted. Let it go at that. See you Monday."
Roark stood at a table in the drafting room of Francon & Heyer, a pencil in his hand, a strand of orange hair hanging down over his face, the prescribed pearl-gray smock like a prison uniform on his body.
He had learned to accept his new job. The lines he drew were to be the clean lines of steel beams, and he tried not to think of what these beams would carry. It was difficult, at times. Between him and the plan of the building on which he was working stood the plan of that building as it should have been. He saw what he could make of it, how to change the lines he drew, where to lead them in order to achieve a thing of splendor. He had to choke the knowledge. He had to kill the vision. He had to obey and draw the lines as instructed. It hurt him so much that he shrugged at himself in cold anger. He thought: difficult?--well, learn it.
But the pain remained--and a helpless wonder. The thing he saw was so much more real than the reality of paper, office and commission. He could not understand what made others blind to it, and what made their indifference possible. He looked at the paper before him. He wondered why ineptitude should exist and have its say. He had never known that. And the reality which permitted it could never become quite real to him.
But he knew that this would not last--he had to wait--it was his only assignment, to wait--what he felt didn't matter--it had to be done--he had to wait.
"Mr. Roark, are you ready with the steel cage for the Gothic lantern for the American Radio Corporation Building?"
He had no friends in the drafting room. He was there like a piece of furniture, as useful, as impersonal and as silent. Only the chief of the engineering department, to which Roark was assigned, had said to Keating after the first two weeks: "You've got more sense than I gave you credit for, Keating. Thanks." "For what?" asked Keating. "For nothing that was intentional, I'm sure," said the chief.
Once in a while, Keating stopped by Roark's table to say softly: "Will you drop in at my office when you're through tonight, Howard? Nothing important."
When Roark came, Keating began by saying: "Well, how do you like it here, Howard? If there's anything you want, just say so and I'll ..." Roark interrupted to ask: "Where is it, this time?" Keating produced sketches from a drawer and said: "I know it's perfectly right, just as it is, but what do you think of it, generally speaking?" Roark looked at the sketches, and even though he wanted to throw them at Keating's face and resign, one thought stopped him: the thought that it was a building and that he had to save it, as others could not pass a drowning man without leaping in to the rescue.
Then he worked for hours, sometimes all night, while Keating sat and watched. He forgot Keating's presence. He saw only a building and his chance to shape it. He knew that the shape would be changed, torn, distorted. Still, some order and reason would remain in its plan. It would be a better building than it would have been if he refused.
Sometimes, looking at the sketch of a structure simpler, cleaner, more honest than the others, Roark would say: "That's not so bad, Peter. You're improving." And Keating would feel an odd little jolt inside, something quiet, private and precious, such as he never felt from the compliments of Guy Francon, of his clients, of all others. Then he would forget it and feel much more substantially pleased when a wealthy lady murmured over a teacup: "You're the coming architect of America, Mr. Keating," though she had never seen his buildings.
He found compensations for his submission to Roark. He would enter the drafting room in the morning, throw a tracing boy's assignment down on Roark's table and say: "Howard, do this up for me, will you?--and make it fast." In the middle of the day, he would send a boy to Roark's table to say loudly: "Mr. Keating wishes to see you in his office at once." He would come out of the office and walk in Roark's direction and say to the room at large: "Where the hell are those Twelfth Street plumbing specifications? Oh, Howard, will you look through the files and dig them up for me?"
At first, he was afraid of Roark's reaction. When he saw no reaction, only a silent obedience, he could restrain himself no longer. He felt a sensual pleasure in giving orders to Roark; and he felt also a fury of resentment at Roark's passive compliance. He continued, knowing that he could continue only so long as Roark exhibited no anger, yet wishing desperately to break him down to an explosion. No explosion came.
Roark liked the days when he was sent out to inspect buildings in construction. He walked through the steel hulks of buildings more naturally than on pavements. The workers observed with curiosity that he walked on narrow planks, on naked beams hanging over empty space, as easily as the best of them.
It was a day in March, and the sky was a faint green with the first hint of spring. In Central Park, five hundred feet below, the earth caught the tone of the sky in a shade of brown that promised to become green, and the lakes lay like splinters of glass under the cobwebs of bare branches. Roark walked through the shell of what was to be a gigantic apartment hotel, and stopped before an electrician at work.
The man was toiling assiduously, bending conduits around a beam. It was a task for hours of strain and patience, in a space overfilled against all calculations. Roark stood, his hands in his pockets, watching the man's slow, painful progress.
The man raised his head and turned to him abruptly. He had a big head and a face so ugly that it became fascinating; it was neither old nor flabby, but it was creased in deep gashes and the powerful jowls drooped like a bulldog's; the eyes were startling--wide, round and china-blue.
"Well?" the man asked angrily, "What's the matter, Bricktop?"
"You're wasting your time," said Roark.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"You don't say!"
"It will take you hours to get your pipes around that beam."
"Know a better way to do it?"
"Sure."
"Run along, punk. We don't like college smarties around here."
"Cut a hole in that beam and put your pipes through."
"What?"
"Cut a hole through the bea
m."
"The hell I will!"
"The hell you won't."
"It ain't done that way."
"I've done it."
"You?"
"It's done everywhere."
"It ain't gonna be done here. Not by me."
"Then I'll do it for you."
The man roared. "That's rich! When did office boys learn to do a man's work?"
"Give me your torch."
"Look out, boy! It'll burn your pretty pink toes!"
Roark took the man's gloves and goggles, took the acetylene torch, knelt, and sent a thin jet of blue fire at the center of the beam. The man stood watching him. Roark's arm was steady, holding the tense, hissing streak of flame in leash, shuddering faintly with its violence, but holding it aimed straight. There was no strain, no effort in the easy posture of his body, only in his arm. And it seemed as if the blue tension eating slowly through metal came not from the flame but from the hand holding it.
He finished, put the torch down, and rose.
"Jesus!" said the electrician. "Do you know how to handle a torch!"
"Looks like it, doesn't it?" He removed the gloves, the goggles, and handed them back. "Do it that way from now on. Tell the foreman I said so."
The electrician was staring reverently at the neat hole cut through the beam. He muttered: "Where did you learn to handle it like that, Red?"
Roark's slow, amused smile acknowledged this concession of victory. "Oh, I've been an electrician, and a plumber, and a rivet catcher, and many other things."
"And went to school besides?"
"Well, in a way."
"Gonna be an architect?"
" Yes."
"Well, you'll be the first one that knows something besides pretty pictures and tea parties. You should see the teacher's pets they send us down from the office."
"If you're apologizing, don't. I don't like them either. Go back to the pipes. So long."
"So long, Red."
The next time Roark appeared on that job, the blue-eyed electrician waved to him from afar, and called him over, and asked advice about his work which he did not need; he stated that his name was Mike and that he had missed Roark for several days. On the next visit the day shift was leaving, and Mike waited outside for Roark to finish the inspection. "How about a glass of beer, Red?" he invited, when Roark came out. "Sure," said Roark, "thanks."