by Gigi Moore
“Both.”
“I don’t want to see you hurt, honey. I’m sorry if I come off as a mean-tempered old coot. Old habits die hard, and after your mother I just…” He shrugged, unable or unwilling to finish.
Tamara crossed the floor to take a seat across from him. “Do you have any specific problems with Jess and Jax?”
“Do you really have to ask?”
“I can think of a few right off the back, but since I’m all right with them, then I don’t see why everyone else shouldn’t be.”
“You’re either being incredibly dense or wearing some rose-colored glasses.”
“Maybe I’m being a little bit of both.”
Her dad shook his head, a sad look on his face.
Tamara reached across the table to take his hand and squeeze. “Don’t look so miserable. It’s not that bad.”
“Ain’t it?”
“Why don’t you come right out and tell me what exactly it is that’s bothering you about them so we’re under no illusions.”
“Don’t you realize how all-fired hard it’s going to be for you being with a white man, much less two?”
“Not to mention they’re almost ten years younger than me.”
“Compared to the rest, that’s small potatoes.”
“I’m glad you think so.” She stared at him for a long moment then said, “Tell me you don’t really have a problem with them being white.”
“Of course I don’t have a problem with them boys being white. If I tried to pick a man for you, I probably couldn’t do much better than Jess or Jax—just not both of ‘em.”
Tamara fought a smile and couldn’t believe she sat here talking to her father about her threesome. When she didn’t say anything else, Dad threw up his hands as if in frustration.
“Why does it have to be both of ‘em?”
“The heart wants what it wants.”
“That’s simplistic bull crap and you know it.”
“But isn’t that the way you felt about Mom? Your heart wanted her, wanted to be with her and couldn’t anyone tell you different?”
“Your mother doesn’t have anything to do with this here discussion.”
“She has everything to do with it!” Now Tamara threw her hands up and stood from the table to glare down at him. “Was it difficult for you being with my mother? Did the pressure of being married to a white man turn out to be too much for her and that’s why she went away?”
“That was a piece of it.”
He’d said it so quietly, as if saying the words hurt.
Tamara barely heard him and came closer but didn’t sit back down, didn’t want to get comfortable again in case she had to make a quick escape from his honesty.
“What else made her leave? Did she leave because of me?”
“Oh, baby, no. It weren’t you. It weren’t never you.”
She sat down, couldn’t hold out any longer, unconsciously leaning close, toward him, as if searching for reassurance. “Why? Why did she leave?”
“Tamara, don’t do this to yourself.”
“Don’t do it to myself, or don’t do it to you?” He held out on her. He didn’t want to just not hurt her. He tried to protect himself. Well, Tamara was tired of the half-truths and lies, and as much as she feared knowing exactly what had driven her mother away, she feared not knowing more. “I need to know, Dad. What happened between you and Mom?”
Dad closed his eyes and wiped a hand down his face as if trying to wipe away the memories or his past, or at the very least, wipe away the ones involving Tamara’s mother.
“Was it that bad?” she croaked. She couldn’t imagine it easy to talk about the woman that left him more than three decades ago without a backwards glance. But did he think it any easier for her to ask and hear? “Please don’t try to censure what you want to say to make it easy on me. Just tell me the truth. I can take it.”
“Yeah, but can I?” he mumbled.
Tamara reached across to take his hand on the table and squeezed. “Dad?”
“This is hard for me, Tamara. I ain’t thought about the hows and whys of what happened between you and me and me and your mother in a long time. I ain’t needed to ’cause I knew I was in the right on both counts. But in the last few weeks I been thinking that I made some mistakes in my past I need to rectify.”
Tamara’s heart sped, pounding against her chest so hard until it shook her entire body. “Did you send her away?”
“No. I wouldn’t do that. But I guess I didn’t exactly make it easy for her to stay.”
“How hard did you make it?”
“I didn’t fight her when she said she wanted to leave, that she wasn’t ready for married life and a family.”
“Then she did leave because of me.”
“She left ’cause she was a spoiled brat who didn’t want to deal with responsibility.”
“You hate her.”
“No. I hate myself for believing her the right woman for me, for believing her the right woman to bear and take care of my children.” He shrugged and stared at her, squeezing her hand back. “When we get right down to it, I’m just as much to blame for everything that happened as your mother, probably more so. At eighteen when we met Jasmine had little life experience. I had a sight more at twenty-six. I think that and the glamour of my cowboy life and the rodeo just swept her off her feet.”
Tamara could see a young woman being swept up by her father in his hey day. He could be charismatic as a snake charmer when he wanted to be, and he wasn’t a bad looking man. But that still didn’t excuse her mother for leaving. He hadn’t forced her into marriage, after all. Had he? “Was Mom pregnant when you got married?”
“Not by a long shot. She didn’t get pregnant until after I decided to leave the circuit and settled down to have a family. I didn’t want to be on the road away from her and any kids of ours. She seemed okay with my decision. We even celebrated my retirement. We probably made you then.”
Tamara watched as her father’s face softened with love and whimsy, wondered what went wrong between her parents’ irreconcilable differences. What went wrong between her and her father?
“I think what happened between Jasmine and me made me so hard on you and Noah. I saw your mother and me in you and Noah.”
She looked at her father and saw the honesty in his eyes. She also saw realization dawning, as if the root of all their problems had just been revealed to him that minute.
“I’m not my mother.”
“No, but you were young like her when her and me got together. You needed time to live, get out and see the world, not be tied down to a cowboy with no prospects except the skills in his hands.”
“It was good enough for Mom. And what if that’s what I wanted?”
“That’s just it. It weren’t good enough for Jasmine. At least she didn’t think so. Besides, you wanted to be a lawyer. Noah would have been a distraction you didn’t need. You would have never gone away to New York had you gotten tied down to Noah.”
“How do you know that?”
He just looked at her, unwilling or unable to answer.
Looking at him, Tamara had some realizations of her own. “Is that why the cold shoulder before I left? You didn’t want to be a distraction?”
“That cold shoulder went both ways. I just went with the flow and let you shut me out. It was easier than trying to fight you and convince you that I hadn’t made a mistake.”
“So you just gave up and let me go thinking you hated me.”
“You know I didn’t hate you.”
“I didn’t know anything of the sort. All I did know was that my love for Noah put me on your shit list when I used to be the apple of your eye.”
“You weren’t never on my shit list.”
“It certainly didn’t feel like it.” She stared at him, waiting for him to respond. When he said nothing she asked, “What was so wrong with Noah? And why did you have to fire him? He didn’t deserve that.”
“There
weren’t nothing wrong with him. He was a good enough fella. He just wasn’t the right man for you. And we didn’t fire him.”
“You didn’t?”
Her father shook his head, averting his eyes with a sheepish look on his face before he raised his eyes to look at her again. “We gave him a healthy severance package and references for him to work at another ranch.”
“You bought him off?” And Noah had let them? So she guessed her father was right after all. He didn’t love her.
“That’s not exactly how I would put it. We just made him see things our way, and he agreed that the best course of action would be to leave and let you get on with your life.”
He’d still let her father and Jeremiah buy him off. But she guessed she couldn’t blame him. Stay with her and suffer the self-righteous wrath of her father and his best friend. Or take the money, run and live in relative peace to fight another day and be with another woman who didn’t have as many headaches attached as she did. She couldn’t blame him, wasn’t exactly sure that she wouldn’t have done the same thing. But Noah’s defection still hurt.
Maybe her father had done her a favor, but it still didn’t make him right to interfere with her life the way he did.
Dad took her other hand in his and held them both. “Don’t you see, Tamara? He wasn’t good enough for you, not nearly good enough.”
“That was my decision to make.”
“I couldn’t let you make a mistake that could ruin your whole life. I…I did it with your mother, and I didn’t want to do it again if I could avoid it.”
“Are you saying you ruined my mother’s life when you married her?”
“I’m saying she and her kin felt that way.”
Tamara shook her head, couldn’t help thinking that this conversation should have taken place a long time ago.
She knew next to nothing about her mother or her mother’s family. And she had been okay with that through most of her life. She figured if the woman didn’t want anything to do with her then fine, she didn’t want anything to do with her mother. Talking to her father now, however, made her curiosity grow, made her hungry to know the woman who bore her.
“Do you know where she is?”
He hesitated, and for a moment she thought he wasn’t going to answer her at all before he finally said, “Once she left, I ain’t never kept in touch with her.”
He’d worded that very deliberately, and Tamara had a bad feeling about why. Maybe he hadn’t kept in touch with her, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t tried to keep in touch with him.
She decided on another tactic to drop the subject for the moment and come at him again from another angle. Her father gave her the perfect opening when he asked, “We need to move on and leave the past in the past and deal with your current hitch.”
“If you mean Jess and Jax, I don’t exactly see them as a problem or a hitch.”
“You don’t see being with two men a hitch?”
“No more than I see being with a younger, older or white man a hitch.”
“Do you love ’em?”
“Of course I do.”
“I don’t mean it like that, like because you grew up with them like family love. Do you love ’em?”
“What difference does it make?” She didn’t like being on the defensive and decided now would be a good time to turn the tables back. “Did you love my mother?”
“We’ve already covered this ground. Jasmine has nothing to do with this heart-to-heart.”
“She has everything to do with it.”
“You said it yourself. You’re not your mother.”
“Right, I’m not.”
“So why would you want to set yourself up for failure and make a spectacle of yourself like this?”
“Are you saying Mom set herself up for failure by choosing to be with you?”
Dad released her hands and suddenly stood up. He limped over to the kitchen counter and slammed a fist down. “Why would you keep bringin’ Jasmine up and comparin’ her and me to you and Jess and Jax?”
“You started with the comparisons by saying that Noah and I reminded you of Mom and you. I didn’t.”
He turned to face her, pointing an accusing finger at her. “Don’t use my words against me, missy.”
“I’m only saying—”
“Stop it, Tamara! You’re not a young’un anymore. And right now you’re acting more like your mother than you realize, trying to have your cake and eat it too. You have to make a choice and stop playing with those boys.”
“I’m not playing with anyone.” She didn’t know what she found more insulting—her dad comparing her to her mother or insinuating that she wasn’t serious about Jess and Jax. She didn’t really know how she felt about them, and her dad’s making her put a magnifying glass on the relationship had her questioning her morals, made her feel like a bad person.
“What do you call it?”
“I’m not calling it anything. I care about them, I enjoy being with them, and they enjoy being with me. Why can’t that be enough?”
“Don’t be coy. Are you even thinking ahead or about what you’re doin’ to those boys?”
“They’re not boys, and they’re not complaining.”
“Not now ’cause the sex his good, I’m betting. But that ain’t going to be enough if you really care about ‘em and they really care about you. What happens when you leave?”
She opened her mouth, floundering like a beached fish for a moment when her dad brought up the question that had been niggling at her for the past few weeks. She had to go home eventually, had a job, a career waiting for her.
“Don’t have an answer for that, huh, missy? I suggest you figure out what you want to do before you continue to string them boys along.”
“I’m not stringing anyone anywhere.” God, he made her sound like some dangerous older seductress only out for one thing. He made her sound like the cougar she acted.
Her dad raked a hand through his hair and sighed. “You need to grow up, Tamara. You need to—” He froze, body suddenly going ramrod straight before he toppled over face-first and began convulsing on the floor.
Chapter 22
Jess paused at the threshold of the waiting room, felt like this was the moment of truth. If he could get through the next few minutes without falling apart and admitting everything he knew about Bailey’s illness, then he could get through anything.
Jax didn’t seem to have any problems rushing across the room to take Tamara into his arms. He assured her that everything was going to be all right and that stress or some other non-life threatening malady had led to Bailey’s seizure.
He almost had Jess convinced, but then Jax had had a lot of experience charming women and telling them what they wanted to hear, telling tales to get his way. This situation was different though, and Jess didn’t know with whom to be more upset—Bailey for making them keep Tamara in the dark, or Jax for so easily accepting the situation.
Jess gritted his teeth and forced himself to cross the floor where he sat down on the other side of Tamara, settling his hands on her slim shoulders and gently massaging. She mumbled her appreciation against the front of Jax’s shirt before lifting her head to glance at Jess over her shoulder and give him a sad smile.
“You two are the sweetest.”
Jess bit his tongue before finally saying, “Not really.”
“We’re here for you, Tamara. Just remember that.” Jax squeezed and rubbed her arms. “And Bailey’s going to be just fine. He’s a tough old coot.”
“Yeah,” Tamara murmured and wiped residual tears from her eyes. “I just can’t help thinking that it’s my fault. If I had just backed off and not given him such a hard time…”
Jess stared at his twin over Tamara’s shoulder, gritted his teeth and said nothing while Jax took her hand in both of his and pet and caressed it. The gaze he gave Jess plainly reminded him to keep his mouth shut about Bailey.
“Why would you think yourself at fault, swe
etheart?” Jax asked.
“We really went at it. And I have to admit I acted kind of difficult, disagreeing with and questioning everything he said.”
“What did you two talk about anyway?” Jess asked, had a feeling he already knew before Tamara said, “You two.” She looked from him to Jax before averting her gaze.
Jess put his forefinger under her chin, urging her head up and forcing her to look at him. “What exactly did you and Bailey discuss?”
Tamara shrugged, looking for all the world like a little girl trying to hide a secret from her parents, looking vulnerable.
“Tam…?”
“Family stuff. I’m sure you can guess the specifics. He doesn’t approve of…us.”
“The three of us together?” Jess exchanged another look with his brother.
Tamara nodded. “One of you might be okay with him, though I’m sure he’d still take issue with the relationship. But, according to him, my wanting to be with both of you makes a mockery of us all.”
This was bad. Bailey could very well force her to choose between them when not even he or Jax had brought up that possibility.
Jess didn’t want to think of the possibility now, just like he didn’t want to face the day when Tamara would finally leave and go back to New York. He was in serious denial, and he knew it, but would an independent, strong woman like Tamara be influenced by what her father thought of her, let his opinions make decisions about her love life? She might if she wanted to get back in her father’s good graces, make him happy.
He had to face facts. She’d been here almost a month and no one had brought the issue of her leaving up, not him, not Jax and not Tamara. They all three just went about their business like nothing amiss had happened, dancing around the big elephant sitting in the middle of the living room.
Actually, a couple of elephants sat in the room, but only a few of them knew about the biggest one.
“How do you feel?” Jess rasped. “About the three of us?”
She shrugged again and Jess didn’t think it boded well for their future at all. His fingers itched to catch her around the shoulders and shake her, make her admit that she loved them and wanted to stay in Colorado to be with them. But how could he make demands when he and his brother hid such a big nasty secret from her, when he and his brother couldn’t bring themselves to say I love you to her?