The Triad

by Sarah Ettritch

  Plus, they didn’t seem upset with her, and Jayne was certain they’d be angry if they found out how she felt about them. It was as if they just didn’t care. She had the feeling that, if they could, they’d never see her again. Suddenly she’d become an inconvenience, someone they’d rather avoid. Had they found out something else about the Incident? Had she said something really stupid or offensive and they’d decided they could do without her friendship, after all? They wouldn’t execute her, but they’d tolerate her presence, occasionally pat her on the head, and hope she’d amuse herself most of the time? What was going on? How long was she supposed to stand on the sidelines and hope they sorted it out? What if they weren’t even trying?

  The water boiled. She prepared the tziva and carried it into the living room on a tray. Lesley and Mo accepted their mugs ever so politely. Jayne stared at them from her chair, her two courteous Chosens sipping their tziva while probably hoping they could make her disappear, and who knew what they were thinking about each other?

  Enough! Forget Carol’s advice. Jayne didn’t know what she was going to do, just that she had to do something. She might annoy them, but outright animosity would be better than polite indifference; at least she’d know where she stood.

  *****

  Mo leaned back in the passenger seat and groaned. “That was probably one of the most painful evenings I’ve ever spent in my life.” Poor Jayne had worked up the nerve to host them for supper, only to be faced with two uncomfortable guests.

  Focused on the nav panel as the craft ascended, Les nodded. “It was awkward.”

  “Awkward? You call that awkward?” Mo sighed. “We can’t go on like this.”

  “What do you suggest we do, then?” Les snapped.

  Mo could hear the unspoken This is all your fault. “Maybe we should tell her what’s going on.”

  “You would say that.” Les’s mouth pressed into a thin line.

  “Just so she’s not in the dark, Les.” And so Jayne would understand why Mo was treating her like a biohazard. She still felt awful about tensing up when Jayne had touched her. “It’s not fair right now. We’re so uncomfortable around her that she must have noticed. She probably thinks it’s her.”

  “It is her!”

  “No, it isn’t.”

  “You honestly think that telling her will make us more comfortable around her?”

  Probably not. “At least she won’t be in the dark.”

  Les folded her arms. “I don’t know. I don’t see what it will accomplish.”

  “Okay, things would probably still be awkward.” Especially with Jayne knowing how she felt. “But, I don’t know, they couldn’t be any worse than they are now.”

  Les remained silent.

  “Aren’t we supposed to be honest with each other? Communicate? Work together?” Mo frowned when Les smiled and shook her head. “What?”

  “Have you thought about how I’ll feel when you tell her you care about her in that way? What happens afterward? How will I feel when we’re all together? How will I feel when it’s just you and her?”

  “I’m not suggesting I get involved with her, just that I tell her what’s causing the tension. I’d suggest the same thing if the issue was something else.”

  Les turned to her. “Would you?”

  “If it was making us so uncomfortable to be together, yeah, I would.” She could see the skepticism in Les’s eyes. “Be with me when I talk to her.”

  “No! I can’t be there for that conversation. It’s between you and her. It’s not something you have an audience for.” Les’s shoulders hunched. Her arms were folded so tightly that Mo wondered how she could breathe. “You say you don’t want to get involved, but telling her about your feelings is crossing over into relationship territory. Once you tell her, you can’t go back. What if she says she feels the same way? What then? Am I supposed to say, ‘Oh, that’s wonderful, I’m delighted for the two of you’? ‘I hope you have many happy years together’?” Before Mo had a chance to respond, Les continued. “That’s what I’m supposed to say, right? That’s what I have to say. I just have to take it. It doesn’t matter how I feel, I just have to take it.”

  “Les—”

  “I’m not ready for that. I don’t know when I’ll be ready. How would you feel?”

  A lump formed in her throat at the sight of Les’s distressed face. She’d handle it badly, so badly that conversations like this wouldn’t be possible. The second Les mentioned feeling anything for Jayne, Mo’s world would collapse and any hope of a mature conversation about the issue would evaporate. She’d demonstrated that by running away to 72 when she’d merely thought that Les wanted a relationship with Jayne. So yeah, maybe she was asking for too much, too soon. Maybe she was too worried about Jayne and not worried enough about Les. Les masked her feelings so well that it was easy—maybe convenient—to assume that she had everything under control. But she obviously didn’t, and Mo should know better.

  She hesitated, then placed her hand on Les’s leg, which felt hard as rock. “Okay, I won’t say anything. I guess we have enough problems as it is.” If she’d hoped for reassurance that the situation wasn’t that bad, she wouldn’t have received it. Les stared stonily ahead. “We need things to be right between us, first,” Mo said.

  “If you mean ‘how they were before,’ I don’t think that’s possible.”

  Mo’s heart sank. “You can’t mean that.”

  “I do mean it.” Les finally unfolded her arms. “I’m not saying things can never be good between us again, just that they’ll be different. But who knows? Maybe time will prove me wrong. I wouldn’t mind being wrong about this.” Her mouth turned up at the corners, but her eyes remained dull. “I understand what you’re saying about Jayne. It isn’t fair, but I need more time before you take that step.”

  “You have it. I told you, our relationship is the most important thing to me. We have something special.”

  Les nodded. “Yes, we do.”

  The lack of enthusiasm in Les’s voice was a knife through Mo’s heart. But what else could she expect? She should have stayed away from Jayne, should have been polite, but distant. Les had managed it, but then, Les hadn’t been so insecure that she’d crowded Jayne to keep Mo away from her. Maybe Les should have been more diligent; she would have been right! And now she believed that Mo’s love for her had grown shallower or even died.

  Mo wanted to lower her head and have a good cry. Would things ever be right again, between any of them? Giving Les the time she needed meant shafting Jayne. Being honest with Jayne would mean hurting Les. Even the staunchest of optimists would have a problem finding a glimmer of hope, and Mo tended toward doomsday scenarios in the best of times. She had no problem coming up with one now: two Chosens, two permanently broken relationships.

  *****

  Jayne lifted the knocker on the Middletons’ front door, then quietly lowered it. This was her last chance to give up on a course of action she’d waffled over for days. Maybe she should turn around, slink back to the train station, and stay out of it. But then what? Endure more awkward, painfully uncomfortable times with Lesley and Mo? For how long? She’d considered talking to Carol again, but Carol could only hypothesize about what was wrong. Jayne needed to know for sure. With a groan, she lifted the knocker and rapped at the door. Enough of going around in circles.

  The door swung open. Nathan’s brows rose. “Jayne! Hi. Mo didn’t mention you were coming over.”

  Mo couldn’t mention what she didn’t know. “Is Mo here?”

  “Yeah.” He stepped aside and motioned for her to enter. “Mo!” he yelled.

  Jayne’s stomach fluttered as she waited in the hallway.

  “Mo!” Nathan shouted again.

  Mo came bounding down the stairs. “What do you—Jayne! What are you doing here? I mean, if you wanted to come over, I would have picked you up.”

  “I felt like taking the train.”

  Mo’s eyes widened. “Nothing’s wrong
, is there?”

  “No. I wanted to talk to you.” She caught Nathan hovering in her peripheral vision. “Privately.”

  “Oh. Okay. We can go to my bed—the study. Papa’s not here, right?” Mo asked Nathan. Nathan shook his head, and she turned back to Jayne. “Let’s go into the study. Hang your cloak.”

  Jayne did so, wondering how long her cloak would remain on the peg. Depending on how Mo reacted, she could be leaving within five minutes. She followed Mo to the study, her apprehension rising.

  Mo shut the door and leaned against one of the desks. “What’s wrong?”

  Jayne took a deep breath. “That’s what I was going to ask you.”

  “What do you mean?” Mo’s shrill tone and her refusal to meet Jayne’s eyes belied her feigned ignorance.

  Jayne had decided to ask first about Mo’s behaviour toward her, rather than about problems between Mo and Lesley. Hopefully the answer to the first question would illuminate the latter situation. “I’ve noticed that you don’t seem comfortable around me lately. Have I done something? Offended you in some way?”

  Mo’s shrug was exaggerated. “No.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “Nothing. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Maybe it’s just me, then,” Jayne said, managing to keep her voice even despite her stirring frustration. She hadn’t expected Mo to lie outright. “I thought—well, we seemed to be getting along all right. We were at least comfortable with each other. But lately...it’s pretty obvious to me that you can’t relax around me. You can’t tell me you didn’t feel the tension at my apartment on Sunday.”

  Mo stared at her. The silence stretched.

  “Mo—”

  “Leave it alone, Jayne,” Mo said quietly. “Just leave it alone, okay?”

  “I can’t leave it alone.”

  “Why not? I’m asking you to drop it.”

  And then what? She was supposed to go home and wonder why Mo didn’t feel comfortable around her? Because Mo had as good as admitted that, yes, there was a problem! So why wouldn’t Mo tell her what it was? Every fear she’d had upon receiving her Chosen Papers came rushing back. At the time, she’d never dreamed that her Chosen—of course she’d expected only one—would become her friend, her ideal scenario. The best she’d expected was to be tolerated. Then Lesley and Mo had come along, and to her surprise and delight, they’d more than tolerated her, especially Mo. Were her initial fears now being realized? As they’d come to know her, had their early impressions of her soured? It did feel as if the triad had moved backward to a polite acceptance of her existence in their lives, rather than any genuine desire to include her. It must be her—what else could it be? Then, yes, she could see why Mo would be hesitant to say, “Sorry, Jayne, but we just don’t like you.” It wouldn’t be polite!

  “I can’t drop it.” Her voice quavered a little, but she didn’t care. “I need to know what’s going on. I enjoyed spending time with you, and Lesley. If I could just understand...at least know if there’s anything I can do...”

  “There’s nothing you can do.”

  Her frustration boiled over. “What is it? Tell me! I thought we were friends.”

  “We are.”

  “If you don’t like me anymore, just tell me. At least I’ll know—”

  Mo shook her head. “No, that’s not—”

  “I know I’m not very exciting, especially compared to pilots and—”

  “It’s not—”

  “—everyone else in the military.” Tears stung her eyes. “Yeah, I’ll be disappointed, but I can’t stand this awkwardness.”

  “Jayne—”

  “If you’re honest and it’s out in the open, maybe we’ll at least be able to spend time together without feeling uncomfortable.” She brushed away a tear.

  “Jayne, it’s—”

  “I’m used to it. I can handle it. I know you tried. I—”

  “Jayne, it’s not that I don’t like you, it’s that I like you too much!” Mo shouted.

  What?

  Mo groaned and clenched her hands. “Argamon!”

  Shocked, Jayne turned away and brought trembling hands to her face. She must have misheard. “What are you saying?” She forced herself to face Mo.

  Mo gulped. “Well, you know, we’re Chosens, and things develop between Chosens, and they have developed. For me.” Mo swung her arms toward Jayne. “Toward you.”

  Jayne gaped like an idiot.

  “And if your face is any indication of how you feel about that, I think I’ll crawl into a hole and die now,” Mo said, her face suddenly beet red.

  “No! I—I’m surprised. I—that is—” Her mouth gave up. How many possibilities for their change in behaviour toward her had she come up with? And not once had she considered this. Not once had this possibility occurred to her. Wait. Change in their behaviour, not only toward her, but toward each other. Her blood ran cold. “Lesley knows, doesn’t she?”

  Mo hesitated, then nodded.

  Jayne grabbed her head. Flaming Argamon, this was bad. No wonder! It all made horrible sense now. “How long has she known?”

  “Uh, she’s known for sure since around the time I was—” Jayne silently completed Mo’s sentence at the same time she said it “—last on 72. But I think she guessed a couple of weeks before then.”

  Lesley had known all this time? It must be killing her. Jayne had known Lesley was strong in the Way, but how strong could someone be? The lunch, the supper at her apartment—what had Lesley thought when Jayne had gone with Mo to her audition? What would she think if she knew they were together now?

  “I’m not supposed to be talking about this,” Mo said. “I told Les I wouldn’t. She’s...not happy about it.”

  That was probably the understatement of the century. Now she understood why Mo had wanted her to back off, but Jayne didn’t regret pressing her. It would have come out eventually...if Mo was telling the truth. Jayne had never imagined that this scenario would arise. Mo liked her in that way? Really? “I know I forced the issue, but I needed to know what was going on. I’ve noticed that you and Lesley seem to be having problems, and around the same time, you were suddenly both acting differently toward me, so I figured I must have done something, or that maybe you didn’t want to be around me anymore.”

  “You didn’t do anything. It’s me.” Mo examined her fingernails. “How do you feel? About me?”

  Argamon’s flaming valleys, no! Don’t do this to me! What had she told herself? As long as they never found out about her feelings, the triad would survive, tick along nicely with Lesley and Mo in love and she the doting friend. Their relationship was the foundation of the triad! It couldn’t falter—but it was already in trouble. Would telling the truth help, or put them all into a more precarious position? Mo and Lesley’s relationship was paramount and must remain strong! Jayne would not belong to a failed Joining. Say, “I don’t feel the same way.” Say, “It’s too early.” Say, “I don’t believe we’re Chosens. Your feelings will pass.” Say, “I don’t feel that way yet, but maybe in time. Say, “Please, please, don’t do this to me! Don’t make everything I’ve always feared come true.” She wanted to drop to her knees and beg Mo to take it back, to tell her that she wasn’t like her parents and hadn’t doomed the triad to failure. Please!

  Mo lifted her head. The hurt in her eyes took Jayne’s breath away. “It’s okay. I figured...” Mo’s voice choked off, then she squared her shoulders. “Anyway, now you know and, uh—”

  “I feel the same way, Mo. I feel the same way.” Jayne couldn’t allow Mo to believe that she didn’t care. If that doomed the triad, then maybe it deserved to die. Not wanting to hurt your Chosen, wanting to be honest...that must count for something.

  “You do?” Mo squeaked.

  Jayne nodded, not entirely surprised by how dejected she felt. If she’d ever allowed herself to imagine someone confessing their feelings for her and confessing hers in turn, she would have seen herself burs
ting with happiness and sealing the moment with a passionate kiss. But that wasn’t possible, not when so much was at stake, and when someone else she dearly cared about must be hurting badly and going through one of the most difficult periods of her life.

  “Okay,” Mo breathed. “Okay. But—”

  “I know. Lesley.”

  “She didn’t want me to say anything. She said she needed more time.”

  “How bad are things between you?”

  Mo’s eyes welled with tears. She gulped, struggled with her composure. “Not good,” she managed to whisper, confirming Jayne’s worst fear.

  Jayne ached to hug her. She shoved her hands into her pockets.

  “She doesn’t believe I love her anymore.” Mo’s voice conveyed her bewilderment. “She doesn’t think she’s special to me, when nothing could be further from the truth.”

  With things as they were, Jayne could see only one course of action that would work best for both herself and Lesley. “Will it help if you tell her you’ve told me and we’re both committed to sticking to our arrangement?”

  Mo shook her head. “No! I can’t tell her you know. She’ll be horrified.”

  “Mo, we can’t keep this from her. She needs to know.”

  “It’ll just upset her. I told her I wouldn’t tell you.”

  “And you didn’t intend to.” Jayne slipped her hands from her pockets and pressed one against her chest. “I forced the issue, not you.”

  “She won’t believe me.”

  “Then let me tell her.”

  Mo thrust out her hands. “No! Not a good idea.”

  “I need to talk to her about it.”

  “Why?” Mo asked, eyes wide, clearly thinking Jayne insane.