Chapter 16
That night I returned alone to our flat in the city and made a direct beeline towards the couch where I flopped down in exhaustion. It had been such a long day, it seemed about a week ago that Matt had suggested I go and see Simone, but in reality, it was only about 11 hours.
The Coogan kids had turned up about half an hour after Matt, Jack and I got home, and, having already explained the situation to my parents, Alex, Simone, dad and I were able to get on the road back to the city not long after they arrived. We got to the building in which Simone's parents worked at about 4 and I had sat outside whilst Dad, Simone and Alex talked to Mr and Mrs Coogan, making them see that the problem was beyond a bit of normal teenage angst, which I think they had seen it as before.
After that, we had all traipsed to the Coogan's city house where Simone lives during the semester and settled Alex in as it had been decided it was probably for the best if he stay out of Bridunna for a while. Dad and I stayed until Mr and Mrs Coogan returned home and then took our leave, Dad returning home, me going back to the flat.
I was tired and emotionally sore. Why is it that life likes to point out when things have been going too easy for you? Or, to put it another way, when you're sure a problem is going to come out of one specific area (people finding out about Jack and me), life has a habit of blindsiding you by throwing a problem in from a different quarter.
To be honest, I hadn't really been thinking much about Simone over the last couple of weeks, in fact I hadn't been thinking about anything or anyone else except Jack. I felt selfish. I'd always promised myself I wouldn't be one of those annoying people who develop a one track mind once they have a thing going on with someone. This had never been a problem for me in the past, obviously, but the last couple of weeks had been strange and different. And, as they say, the only person who likes change is a baby with a dirty nappy.
Well it was ending now, I was going to be there for Simone, no matter what.
With this in mind, I forced myself off the couch and dug my mobile out of my bag and checked to see that the home phone receiver was charging on its base. I wasn't going to go to bed, if Simone needed me she could get me on both phones and I would be all ready and fully dressed to go and help her. I'm not sure what I thought I would be able to do, or even what kind of crisis Simone would be in, but the weird day had put me in a weird frame of mind.
As determined as I was to stay on the alert in case there was a call to action, it wasn't long before the long, hard day caught up with me and I dozed off, still clutching my mobile tightly in my hands.
After what felt like only a couple of seconds, but was probably more like an hour or so, I felt myself being dragged up through the layers of sleep towards consciousness. I fought against the pull because I was really warm and comfortable, but my brain was mercilessly sending messages to get awake and, reluctantly, I surrendered.
Blinking, I saw nothing in my immediate eye line which would have hauled me so unceremoniously out of my slumber, but then I heard the low hum of Jack's voice from over in the kitchen. Still too sleepy to be bothered to get up I nevertheless tipped my head slightly so both my ears were unhindered and listened in to his conversation which went like this, "I just got in." Pause. "Yeah she's here, she's asleep on the couch." Pause, followed by a soft chuckle. "Something like that. Right, well, I'll see you Monday night then, mate." Another pause, slightly longer this time. "Nah, no sweat. I'll keep a look out for those dwarves for you, though. Cheers, bye."
I heard the beep as he hung up then the sound of the fridge opening and Jack swigging some OJ straight from the carton.
For a moment I wrestled between lying still and trying to get back to sleep or satisfying my curiosity and asking what he was doing back in town. Not surprisingly, curiosity won out and I sat up and threw a cushion at Jack. He jerked in surprise as the square of padding hit the back of his head, and orange juice splashed up over his face. Pulling the carton away he wiped at the sticky mess on his face then turned to look at me, his eyebrows raised.
"You know normal people just say hello," he said, screwing the lid back on the juice and putting it back into the fridge.
"Hello." I smiled sheepishly, giving him my best cute, apologetic face. It seemed to work as he simply shook his head in a long suffering sort of way and gave his face a quick clean with some paper towel.
"Long day," he stated after a moment or so and I nodded in agreement.
There was another pause and then, rubbing sleep from my eyes and focusing, I asked,” What are you doing here?"
"I live here," he replied with a smile, but I looked at him seriously and he sighed and raised his hands in an 'alright, you win' kind of way. Moving out of the kitchen he crossed the room and then joined me on the couch. Twisting his body slightly so he could look at me, he leant forwards slightly and said, “I saw your face before you left Bridunna, you looked so miserable and guilty I thought maybe you'd need some company back here."
"I'm fine," I said quickly, feeling a little snake of irritation rise up at Jack's insistent need to baby-sit me.
Jack looked down at the phone cradled in my lap then looked back up at me and raised his eyebrows a little. "Believe me, Tally, I know all the signs that indicate misery and guilt and the refusing to go to bed/phone holding scenario is pretty obvious. So let me guess, you feel responsible for what is going on with Alex even though it is in no way your fault?"
"I know Alex's problems aren't anything to do with me!" I fired up at once at what I imagined was condescension in his tone. "But I'm responsible for Simone, or at least I think I am, and so…" I petered off as, much to my frustration, I just couldn't find the words to express how I felt. Avoiding Jack's sympathetic gaze I folded my arms protectively across my chest. "Look, never mind, OK? I'm fine, I'm just a bit tired."
"Tally, you can't…" he tried to say, but I cut him off with a sharp,
"I'm going to bed."
I didn't want to listen to any platitudes on how I shouldn't feel guilty, because the fact was that I did and being told I shouldn't be wasn't helpful.
Jack made no move to stop me as I jumped off the couch and marched towards my room, but I could feel his gaze following me and by the time I had slammed my door and thrown myself on my bed I was already feeling bad about how I had behaved.
Isn't it always the way that when you're out on the couch you feel really drowsy and can fall asleep at the drop of the hat, but as soon as you actually drag yourself into your bedroom, you feel wide awake?
True, this time, as I slid beneath my covers, it wasn't only the relocation which made me feel more alert. My conscience was giving me nudges and trying to point out that Jack had driven four hours to keep me company in the flat because he had seen how bad I was feeling and I had just dismissed him. I don't mean to be such a bitch, but so often it seems to turn out that way. Maybe because in comparison to Jack my selfish, childish behaviour appears tenfold. Damn him!
I heard Jack moving around for a while and then the door to his room close and I pictured him stripping down to the pair of tracky dacks he wears to bed. Oh yes, that was very conducive to sleep, not! I blew out a sigh and turned over, trying to summon up the sleepy feeling I'd had not so long ago. It simply would not come.
The minutes ticked by and still I felt completely unable to sleep. The sheets were cold and they just wouldn't warm up no matter how long I lay there. The sliver of moon coming through a gap in the curtains seemed too bright, but the effort it would take to close the gap was too great as well. I seemed to be checking my clock every other minute or so and despairing when I saw that more time hadn't passed.
This whole thing was very strange for me as I’m usually a very good sleeper, I never really suffer from insomnia, but this seemed like a bona fide case of it.
Eventually I pinpointed my lack of comfort on how alone I felt in my room, I felt isolated and bored. Before I knew what I was doing I was hopping out of bed and entering the large front room. Mar
ching across it I got to Jack's door and knocked lightly upon the wood. Turning the knob I pushed the door open and stuck my head through the gap.
"Jack?" I whispered and saw his form stir on the bed in response.
"Tally?" He asked groggily. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I said hastily. "Nothing's wrong." Feeling my nerve draining away I turned away. "Never mind, sorry for waking you." I closed his door and started walking back towards my bedroom, but then abruptly whirled around and threw open his door again.
Jack had turned the lamp on and propped himself up on his elbows and looked at me questioningly through eyes blinking from the assault of the light and being woken up so suddenly.
"Could we…" I swallowed nervously. "Would it be alright if we…without doing anything you know, just…I don't know, I couldn't sleep and I just thought…but you probably wouldn't want to…but if you wouldn't mind I thought it might help if…"
Jack rubbed a hand across his face and smiled sleepily at me. "I don't mean to rush you, but is there any chance of this sentence finishing any time soon?"
"Can I sleep with you?" I asked all in a rush and then felt that damned blush shooting up my neck and flooding my face. Thankfully Jack seemed to get what I was on about because he pulled back the covers for me and said,
"With an emphasis on sleep, right? Yeah, come on then."
I didn't need telling twice, swiftly padding across the room I slipped in beside him and turned the lamp off.
I wondered for a moment whether Jack was going to pick up where he'd left off earlier and continue to try and convince me not to feel guilty, but I needn't have worried as the next second he rolled over with a, "Goodnight."
Actually feeling a little cheated at the lack of, for want of a better expression, pillow talk, I mumbled a quick, "Good night," too and then lay on my back staring up at the ceiling.
So, apparently, I couldn't sleep here either. What was my problem?
I was holding myself very still to make sure I didn't accidentally bump Jack who, by the sound of his calm breathing, was not feeling at all uncomfortable.
Letting out a long sigh I looked over at Jack's digital clock and saw that it read 2:12 a.m. I watched the red lines change every minute, hoping I would get so bored I would go to sleep just for something to do. However, as plans go, it wasn't a brilliant one and, soon after the red numbers turned to 2:23 am, I felt my muscles actually beginning to ache at being held tense for so long.
"Hey, Tally, do you think you could relax a bit?" Jack's voice floated over in the darkness, as if he had read my mind. "It's like lying next to a rock."
"Sorry," I murmured. I shook my legs out in an attempt to release the tension there and ended up banging against Jack's shin in the process.
"And now you've kicked me," he laughed. "You're not really endearing yourself as a bedfellow, you know."
Before I could stop myself I heard my voice snapping, "Well gee, where have I heard that before?"
There was a long, tense silence and then Jack said quietly, "That wasn't what I meant."
"I know," I sighed deeply. "There's something wrong with me tonight I'm so…twitchy!"
Jack turned over so I could vaguely see his pale face in the little bit of moonlight filtering through the curtains. He looked at me for a while and then said, "I know you don't want to talk about what happened today, but if you want to hear it, I do have some advice that might make you feel a little bit less twitchy."
I opened my mouth to tell him that he could keep it to himself, but then I thought better of it. This was a man who has made feeling guilty about something he couldn't control into an art form, maybe he did have something that could relax me enough so I could sleep.
"Go on then," I said, somewhat churlishly.
"So I was only introduced to this concept recently myself," he began seriously, "but as far as I can tell, it goes along the lines of: don't be too hard on yourself because, as hard as it is to control other people, sometimes it’s even harder to control yourself."
Realising immediately that I was hearing my own words being bounced back at me I strained in the darkness to see his expression as I desperately needed to know whether or not he was taking the piss.
"Throwing my own words back in my face?" I asked when I was frustrated in my efforts to see his facial expression.
"No," his voice was soft and calm in the darkness. "Just advising you to practice what you preach. What you told me was good and, if you'd believe it yourself, it might help. That it didn't occur to you to check on your best friend every two seconds to see how she was is not your fault. You haven't maliciously ignored Simone and you couldn't possibly have pre-empted the stuff that has happened with Alex."
"I feel patronised," I grumbled after a moment spent considering the advice which had originally been mine.
He let out a deep chuckle that I could feel rumble through the mattress. "Of course you do," he exclaimed. "Good advice always comes out as patronising, that's how you know it's good."
I lay still for a little while processing my thoughts then, suddenly, such a massive epiphany hit me that, I actually jerked with the force of it. Turning to face Jack I leant over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
"What was that for?" He asked, the smile evident in his voice.
"For driving four hours to see that I was OK. For giving me advice that I need even though you knew I would probably get all defensive. For putting up with my moods and my immaturity. For calming me down when I was hysterical. For helping me out and being the best teacher a girl could have. Take your pick. I know it sometimes seems that I'm an ungrateful bitch, but I really do appreciate everything you do for me. Thanks, Jack."
And finally - finally! - I knew I would be able to get to sleep.
So Much to Learn Page 29