~*~
Arriving outside the posh house in the nicer area around the university, I ran up the steps to Simone's door two at a time, more eager to see her than I can ever remember being. I knocked loudly on the door and waited for a moment for her to call out that I should come in. When I didn't hear anything after a few seconds I looked down into the car park and checked to make sure her car was there. It was which upped the likelihood that she was home so I knocked again, no reply.
I was just about to open the door and call inside to see if she hadn't been able to hear me knocking, when the knob I was reaching for was suddenly turned violently and Alex appeared in the doorway. Stepping out onto the top step I was standing on, he quickly closed the door behind himself and folded his arms, scowling at me.
"Uh, hi, Alex," I said, somewhat taken aback and wondering why it was that most of our interactions seemed to begin with him opening a door suddenly and surprising me. Maybe it was his thing.
"Hey," he grunted, not seeming at all pleased to see me but not going down the steps or moving out of the way of the door either.
"How's it going?" I asked awkwardly after a couple of seconds of silence.
"Fine," he replied in his customary succinct way.
Another couple of seconds silence passed with Alex remaining firmly in front of the door, feet planted firmly. He looked for all the world like a bouncer and the glare he was giving me seemed to suggest that I was wearing inappropriate shoes.
"Alex," I sighed, "could you move please? I need to see Simone."
"Nuh."
Great, it was clearly one of those days.
Taking a deep sigh and putting on my most patient voice I asked sweetly, "Why 'nuh'?"
"She's not here," Alex said, his eyes suddenly becoming shifty and I raised my eyebrows disbelievingly.
"Are you lying?" I asked straight out, knowing that Alex was not one for playing word games. My suspicions were confirmed when he didn't answer me but rather continued to look more and more uncomfortable. Honestly, for a bad boy, he really was truly awful at lying!
I sighed again and rubbed a hand tiredly across my face before saying, with just a hint of impatience, "Really, Alex, I'm not in the mood for this today so could you please either tell me what's going on or get out of the way?"
He shook his head, his eyes boring into the distance, doing his best to pretend that he didn't even register my existence. "It's nothing to do with me," he said blandly.
"Oh rubbish!" I snapped, reaching the end of my, admittedly short, tether. "Simone has never refused to see me before. All this weirdness with her began when that stuff about you and the guy on, or should I say off, the fire escape came out. Can't you do us all a massive favour and just tell the police what happened? Simone is worried sick about you, the whole thing has gone on long enough."
Rapidly, Alex's demeanour changed. His eyes focused in on me and I had to hold back a gulp such was the level of suppressed anger that was shining there in the steely grey depths. "You," he hissed with an alarming level of intensity laced into that one word, "don't know anything about anything. You go on and on about how you're such good friends with my sister but you don't know what's been going on with her, I don't think you even care."
I opened my mouth to object to this because it was patently not true but he ploughed on before I could get a word in.
"And it's none of your business, but my stuff is pretty much fixed and has been for the last week so it's not me she's worried about."
That really did take me by surprise. The Alex thing was resolved and Simone hadn't told me? Then again, I hadn't noticed any change when we'd talked on the phone when I was Bridunna in fact, come to think of it, I hadn't even asked about the situation. Great, I really was a bad friend.
Alex seemed to notice my sudden discomfit as a smirk, not unlike the one I had seen on Micky not so long ago, tweaked the corners of his lips. "So, not as knowledgeable as you think then," he said with the tiniest hint of a gloat.
"Doesn't change the fact that she went through hell worrying about you," I snapped, angry that he was right but angrier at myself for not thinking more about what Simone was going through.
"What goes on between us is nothing to do with you," Alex said, his tone changing so that he seemed to be almost pitying me. "You don't control everything, people will do what they want to do without waiting for permission from you first. Maybe Simone is doing something on her own for once without you. Actually, you know what would be great? If you would just butt out of other people's lives and concentrate on the screw ups in yours for once."
Wow, Alex had mastered the art of multiple sentences.
Still, the shock at hearing him say so much was somewhat surpassed by what it was he was saying. Where the hell was all this coming from? Seriously, I didn’t realise that so many people were walking around with pent up anger against me. Was I really as bad as all that? Or had it just escaped my notice that the Prime Minister had announced that it was 'say horrible things to Talia' day? Or should that be 'deliver home truths to Talia' day? It would depend who you were I suppose.
"Fine!" I said sharply, pulling myself together for the moment as I did not want to look weak in front of Alex. "I'm not perfect, but just for the record, I never said I was and you want to know something? Neither are you buddy boy, far from it. So before you go spouting off at other people about how they should concentrate on the screw ups in their lives take a long, hard look at yourself. You think you're so cool with your bad boy act? Well it's getting really old. No-one gives a crap if you can beat up a bunch of private school ponces, I could beat up a gang of private school kids, it isn't exactly a major achievement! Take my advice: grow up."
Phew! I took a deep breath after my little tirade and then turned away, walking quickly down the steps, aiming to have the last word.
Alex obviously took a moment to pull himself together but just before I rounded the corner and disappeared from his sight he shouted, "Go to hell!"
"Yeah, yeah," I muttered to myself, my blood coursing excitedly through my veins and my adrenaline whizzing so fast I was itching for another fight, "same to you."
I was so riled up, so angry that I'd been cast as the bad guy by everyone that I marched back to the flat suddenly more than prepared to take Jack on, to explain what had happened and to sort the whole damn mess out once and for all.
I had had enough!
As I stormed along the pavement I imagined dragging Matt out of the pub and simply telling him the truth and leaving it up to him to deal with it. Maybe I could do a drive-by truth telling; screech up in my car, scream that I'd slept with Jack and then roar off before he could say anything.
I had walked so quickly that I arrived back at the flat in about 15 minutes and thundered up the stairs before throwing open the door and shouting, "Jack we've got to talk!"
It took a minute before I fully took in what I was looking at in the flat. It seemed that my arrival had frozen the two occupants where they stood. My eyes narrowed as I took in Jack and Haley, their arms wrapped tightly around each other and their eyes startled.
Jack recovered first, as was so often the way, releasing Haley from his embrace but keeping one arm draped in a protective way around her shoulders. "Haley was just telling me about what happened downstairs between you and Micky," he said, his voice calm, his eyes instructing me coolly to listen to him and not to overreact. Boy did he know me well.
"Really?" I asked, my voice coming out as a squeak with a slightly hysterical edge. "She can't have been giving a re-enactment because I don't remember there being much hugging."
Obviously choosing to ignore that, admittedly childish, remark, Jack asked, "Where did you go? You should have come back up and told me what was going on straight away."
Was he out of his mind? Firstly, I was not going to discuss it with Haley tucked comfortably into the crook of his arm; and secondly there was no way he could possibly think that I would have gone immediately back up to
him after what had happened.
"In terms of the biggest 'should have' don't you think there are other things that might come before me freaking out and going to Simone's?" I asked rather cattily.
"Fine." Jack was talking to me as if I was a stranger, a heavily armed and possibly psychotic stranger, yes, but a stranger nonetheless. I realised then that I probably still had a blood lust of sorts shining in my eyes and was displaying my agitation at my flight from Jack and my fights with Micky and Alex. Oh, and we mustn't forget that there was the whole hugging Haley issue, I certainly wasn't.
I made a big effort to pull myself together and look a little less nuts, relaxing my stance slightly and closing the door behind me so that the whole building didn't end up knowing about Jack and me before Matt did.
"We knew this was going to happen sooner or later," Jack was saying. "And maybe it's a good thing that Micky knows, it'll force us to do something about it now rather than letting things get out of control."
"Out of control?" I couldn't help myself, despite wanting to seem calm those words did come out as a bit of a shriek. "Jack we are so far beyond out of control, you must know that. Whatever happens we're screwed. I've ruined everything."
I know I've said it had happened before, but truly at that moment I think was when the full implications of what was going on hit me. Matt would turn his back and me and Jack once he knew. We'd both lose him and for Jack that meant the only real family he had. There was no way Matt would be understanding about it, look how irrational and crazy I'd been and he was my brother for goodness sake, it was genetic!
I felt like I wanted to cry, but I'd clearly exhausted my supply earlier that morning and so my eyes were dry as I collapsed back against the door and hugged my arms around myself.
I heard Jack come towards me and waited to be pulled into his arms like Haley had obviously been not so long ago, but nothing happened. I looked up at him and saw that he was resolutely keeping his strong, beautiful arms by his sides and simply hovering near me making vaguely comforting noises. Initially confused about his reticence to comfort me properly I suddenly realised what it was that was holding him back.
I had stupidly (so, so stupidly) told him sheep and that I was uncomfortable being with him and he was scared to touch me. I groaned at this further revelation of the massive mess I had woven myself into.
"Is she alright?" I heard Haley ask Jack, her voice doing that annoying trembling thing she seemed to have down pat.
A girl when feeling crushed and defeated should not have to be in the presence of another girl with perfect make up and flimsy clothes which didn't even show up any imperfections. It surely had to be a law!
I closed my eyes briefly against the vision of Haley pouting prettily and moving towards Jack, but all I saw then was the image of the two of them wrapped around each other which was obviously not conducive to my mental health.
Snapping my eyes open again and stepping forward I said, a little bit of malice shining through even though I'd have thought I'd have exhausted my supply by then, "No Haley, she's not alright. She is tired and ashamed and cross and being in the same room as you is not helping any."
"Hey," said Jack warningly, but I ignored him. I had reached the point of no return and considering I was so clearly, royally screwed I took momentary pleasure in the fact that, really, I had nothing to lose in finally voicing my feelings about Haley, to Haley.
"You’re insincere, Haley. You're always being so sickeningly sweet that you're clearly taking the piss, and you've spent all the time I've known you sucking up to the boys in the vain hope that they'll look past your shallowness and be your friend because you're pretty. You flirt obviously and badly with all of my guy friends but ignore Simone and I if it is just us girls, and you pretend you like football when you clearly have no idea what's going on." I searched for a moment for something else that annoyed me about Haley and ended up finishing with, "And your clothes are inappropriate for the weather conditions."
I had gone too far, way, way too far and I felt like a total cow…again. I wanted to invent a time machine and go back and start this whole messy day again. I would give Jack a friendly hug to congratulate him on winning the scholarship so nothing would have happened between us, then Micky wouldn't have seen anything, I wouldn't have gone and had a blow up with Alex and, finally, I wouldn't have just completely ripped into someone who was basically an innocent in the whole mess.
"Ignore her, Haley," Jack instructed her steadily in a calm tone I knew he wasn't going to use when he turned his attentions to me. "No-one thinks those things about you."
"No, it's alright," Haley said, taking a deep breath and blinking back tears. "But I think I'll go home now if that's OK." And so saying, and with her head held high even as her bottom lip trembled, she skirted round Jack and me and left the flat.
Jack shook his head as the door closed, looking at me with eyes full of accusation and contempt. He went to follow her, but I put out an arm to stop him, knowing that it was my job to go and apologise to Haley, not his.
"Let go of me," Jack said, his voice low and dangerous and I felt the hairs along my arms rise up as goosebumps covered my skin. He wasn't going to let me get away with my rudeness this time, that much was obvious.
"I'll go," I said quietly, "I need to say sorry."
Jack pulled away and suddenly all his restraint seemed to shatter and fall away and the next second he was shouting at me like I'd never seen him shout before. "Damn right you need to say sorry! Just because you're having a bad day does not, do you hear me, does not mean that you can speak to people like that."
"I know," I said in a little, miserable voice, knowing that I deserved his fury but not liking it all the same. It seemed so unreal that not so long ago we had been kissing passionately; things can change so quickly.
"Do you? Because it seems to me that recently you've done nothing but treat people as if they are pathetic nothings, as if your feelings reign supreme and everyone should just take what you deal out." Jack's voice tightened slightly as he added, "Come on now, it's not you Tally, at least it never used to be."
"I know," I said again. "I'm ashamed of myself and I'm going to try and be better." Jack gave me a look which quite clearly said: 'You better.' "I'll start by apologising to Haley." I put my hand on the doorknob to go and do just that but then turned, finding myself asking, "Should I take the bra down with me, kill two birds and all that?"
OK, I know that I'd just said I would be better and here I was fishing to see whether the absolute worst thing had happened on the 19th and Jack had slept with Haley. But, in my gut, I didn't think he had, it was too profound a betrayal and even blind drunk I don't think Jack would be capable of hurting me that deeply. Still, his constant protectiveness of her and now that hug…I had to check otherwise I would always wonder.
"What?" Jack asked in some frustration, obviously unable to follow my train of thought.
"I'm not trying to be a bitch about it," I said hastily, "I just, um, thought that if that blue, lacy bra is Haley's I could take it back down to her now."
Jack's face cleared of confusion momentarily and then clouded again, "Oh that!" He said, pulling a strange face. "When did you see that? Never mind, it's not Haley's, it's mine."
I looked at him for a long moment then shrugged saying, "OK, I'm not even going to ask." I was trying to make a joke out of it but seriously, 'it's mine'? What kind of stupid excuse is that?
Jack was still looking at me weirdly and I could see the last flickers of anger still present in his startling eyes. "What do you think, Talia?" He asked slowly. "That I had sex with some girl and brought the bra home as a trophy? That I would leave it lying around deliberately to make you upset, is that what you think?"
"No," I protested, not liking the menacing expression he wore. "It was more like I thought that you'd had sex here and she'd left it by accident." Seeing his expression darken further I added hastily, "And you wouldn't use it to upset me deliberately it was
just on the floor and you weren't really in the state to be able to do much tidying up," I finished, referring to his very hungover state on the morning of the 20th.
I was almost too afraid to look at Jack after I'd finished speaking because I could tell by the vibe in the room that he was furious again. As I finally raised my eyes to his he gave an odd little laugh, completely devoid of good humour and grabbed my hand covering the doorknob, pulling me away from the door.
"Right, that's it!" His voice was harsh and sharp as he pulled me close to him then released my hand almost disgustedly. "Lay it all out then, all the things you think I've done, all the lies you think I've told. Jesus! After everything that's happened, our childhood together as well as the stuff from the last couple of months, you still think that I would bring a woman back here now? Well, thanks, thank you so much." His sarcasm bit deeply within me and my head throbbed with the force of his words and how badly I'd obviously hurt him.
"What was I supposed to think?" I managed to retaliate even though my throat seemed to be closing up. "In terms of evidence, a bra on the floor and scratches on your chest together with your reputation for mindless sex with a random girl on the 19th is pretty convincing you have to admit. It really didn't take a massive leap to arrive at that conclusion."
He stepped away from me then, turning his head as if he was too disgusted to even look at me. "Go and apologise to Haley," he said again, his voice flat as if I had squashed his emotions when I accused him directly.
In the face of his defeat I went on the attack walking a few steps after him as he strode towards his room. "So you're not even going to try and convince me that nothing happened?" I asked. "You have nothing to say about it?"
"What's the point?" Jack shot back. "It seems that it doesn't matter what I do you won't trust me. You run hot and cold on me so I never know where I am with you. Whatever, it doesn't matter, you're never going to trust me and I think I'm reaching the stage where I can't be bothered expending the energy trying to convince you anymore."
Ow, ow, ow. It all hurt too much. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, that I did trust him but I really had no proof. All my actions indicated that I was using him in the worst way and was ever on the alert to catch him doing the same to me.
As Jack reached his room, however, I had to call out, "Jack."
"What?" He snapped, clearly entirely out of patience with me by that stage.
"You can't stay here, you have to go down to the pub, remember?" My voice was apologetic as I added, "And please let me be there when you tell Matt, we'll do it tomorrow, yeah?"
"Sure," Jack said heavily, grabbing a jacket and marching past me to the flat door, "wouldn't want anything to spoil the celebration."
I almost laughed at that. I wasn't going to stupidly tempt fate like some idiot in a film by saying 'Could this day get any worse?' Because I knew, from past experience and just generally how the day had been thus far, that the answer was yes. I'd hit rock bottom, but there was nothing to say that I wasn't going to just keep digging.
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