~*~
So, through bits and pieces, two days and nights managed to pass without me having a breakdown and as I awoke on Friday morning I considered this a major accomplishment.
I sat through my only lecture of the day making a concerted effort to actually listen to the lecturer for a change. Adam was quieter than usual but whether that was because I was being equally reticent or because he was uncomfortable around me I didn't know. Or, rather, I didn't want to know.
We walked together as usual across the campus to the point where he went in a separate direction for band practice and I continued home. But, just before he left, Adam suddenly turned to me and said, quite intensely I thought, "Don't let this stuff with your brother and Jack be the end of the world, alright? Still go out and think of other stuff occasionally."
Hmm, so I'm quite transparent then. Good to know. I nodded reassuringly all the while thinking that I was going to do no such thing but I obviously fooled Adam because he gave me one of his trademark brilliant smiles and loped off to meet up with his band mates.
Rather him than me, I thought as I hitched my bag higher and continued along the path. I had a blissfully Micky-free afternoon ahead of me while I knew my poor friend couldn't say the same. This one major positive I had highlighted in my life at that moment made a smile, almost as wide as Adam's had been, stretch across my face and I was still grinning like an idiot as I turned the corner of the library and almost collided with two guys coming the opposite way.
"Sorry," I said automatically and then I nearly bit right through my tongue as I realised who I was standing in front of.
"Hey, Talia." Tommo shot an anxious look between me and Jack. "How's things?"
No trace of a smile was left on my face as I muttered vaguely, "Oh, you know."
It was then that I had the strange sensation that Jack's eyes had turned into the metaphorical car crash. I didn't want to look, I really didn't but the compulsion to see how bad things were was the same as driving past a mangled wreck, if not stronger. When my eyes did meet his I sucked in a quick, harsh, breath. Oh boy, someone call an ambulance, this car crash was a bad one.
As if cross with himself for letting me catch his gaze, Jack ripped his eyes from me and stared determinedly past me, his lips pressed tightly together into a thin line.
"Right…" Tommo had obviously observed that little moment and he shifted his feet awkwardly as he seemed to grasp for something to say. "I'm just going to go…" he trailed off again and looked around, presumably hoping to spot something he could use as an excuse to leave Jack and me alone. Obviously not seeing anything he finished lamely "…over there."
I barely even registered his departure, I was too intently trying to calm my heart rate down as I was feeling a bit dizzy at the speed the blood seemed to be pumping around my body. Jack, damn him, obviously had less wayward organs than me because he did notice Tom leaving and he didn’t look happy about it.
His eyes flicked back onto me for the briefest of seconds and then, without having said a single word to me, he went to follow his friend. I reacted out of pure instinct, in fact I blame my slight dizziness for the way that I desperately threw out a hand to stop Jack walking away from me…again.
In a move that seemed as automatic as mine had been, Jack jerked away to avoid contact with my hand. So it had come to that, the idea of touching me made him flinch. Fantastic, note to self: research 'ouch' in different languages because the English version just didn't seem to suffice anymore.
"Please, just wait a minute." When it looked like he still wasn't going to stop I threw aside all thoughts of pride and said again, "Please, Jack."
He faltered in his stride then, extremely reluctantly, stopped. That boy really was too nice.
He made no move to come over to me, however, so other students, unconcerned in their own little worlds, flowed between and around us on their way to or from classes. Now I'd stopped Jack I had no idea what I wanted to say. But I had to say something! I couldn't just make a heartfelt plea and then stand there all mute. How come my mouth can hold a full conversation without any input from my brain and then falter at the most crucial moments? It was defective, I needed a new one.
"How…how are you?" I finally managed to stutter out. I immediately felt like slamming my head against the brick wall behind me. 'How are you?' I'd start talking about the weather next!
Jack seemed to find my question equally ridiculous because, through the tiniest chink in the wall of stone he'd erected over his features, I saw a flicker of disbelief pass over his face. Then he said in a flat, monotone, "I'm fine."
A girl in the process of walking past Jack gave him a strange look, obviously wondering who he was talking to. When I licked my suddenly dry lips and croaked back, "I'm glad," she looked at me equally bemused. I could see that she felt the tension emanating between us and was wondering what was going on. Still, the arctic conditions between us must have been uncomfortable because she soon hurried away. Never mind, the way the rumour mill works at this uni it probably wouldn't be long before she found out about what was going on. In fact she'd be glad of the second of awkwardness she'd felt because she'd be able to tell her friends that she had actually seen, with her own very eyes, Jack and I having a moment. It felt good to have provided some service to someone, even if she was a complete stranger.
"Are you staying with Tommo?" I asked as the girl disappeared around the corner.
Jack nodded stiffly, every little bit of his body language screaming 'I want to be anywhere but here.' Despite knowing how uncomfortable he was I was desperate to draw out this unexpected time with him and I found myself saying, "Did you know that Simone is with Micky?"
He nodded again, glancing as he did so over at Tommo who was talking to a couple of guys I'd never met before. I could tell Jack was about to join them and that I would lose him again. Not thinking I could bare it I blurted out, "I kissed Adam," before slapping one hand over my mouth and feeling my insides liquefy at the total stupidity of what I'd just said.
It was all very well trying to get Jack's attention but, when he whipped his face back round to me, I realised that the pain of him ignoring me was nothing compared to the gut wrenching horror I was experiencing then.
I couldn't look at him; I actually, physically couldn't bring myself to look up. I think my shame over my behaviour had manifested itself into a locking of the muscles at my neck. It was the least I deserved.
"You know," Jack's voice when he finally spoke was deathly calm and sent shivers of unease up and down my spine, "sometimes you say these things and I wonder what is going on in your head."
"Me too." Misery made my voice so quiet I didn't think he would have been able to hear me but he obviously did as he strode across the gap between us, almost skittling a couple of students who got in his way.
"If you can't figure out your own thoughts, if you can't understand what makes you say the things you do then what hope does anyone else have?" Stupid, hot tears welled in my eyes and blurred my vision so I couldn't really make out his expression as he leant in close to me. "Right, I'm going to give you this one last lesson and this is all I've got left for you so listen up."
I obligingly swallowed back my tears and listened up.
"Figure out what you want and then just bloody go for it." Jack waited for a moment, presumably to let the full weight of his words to sink in, then drew away and dropped his scary intense tone when he added, "That's it."
"But-" I began to protest, not really feeling that was all that helpful and not liking the finality in his tone when he'd said 'that's it'.
"No." Jack shook his head slightly. "It's enough now." He turned and started to walk away so I'm not quite sure if he meant me to hear him when he said, "I've had enough."
So Much to Learn Page 55