~*~
I twirled back and forth in front of the full length mirror in my parents' bedroom watching the flirty hem of my dress lift and spin. Simone sure knew her stuff, that much was obvious, the dress was soft green with a low peasant neckline and cute puffed sleeves. It flowed down smoothly over my stomach, flaring out slightly from my hips and ending a little bit above my knees. After finding the dress, Simone had quickly embroidered a little sunflower onto the bottom left hand side of the skirt so that a cheerful yellow flashed every time I moved. The dress was flattering and sweet and, with my blondey/brown hair curled into loose loops and my face glowing with both excitement and carefully applied make up, I was looking the nicest I think I had ever seen myself. I fastened a delicate silver chain around my neck and centred the absolutely miniscule diamond pendant that hung from it before slipping on a pair of slightly heeled Mary Janes and giving my hair on last tweak.
I took a deep breath then turned to face my mother.
"What do you think?"
My mum stood up gracefully and smoothed her long dark, purple dress down over her hips. "Very, very beautiful." She kissed me gently on the cheek then wiped the resultant lipstick mark away.
"You too," I smiled.
There was a soft knock on the door and Simone slipped into the room, stunning in a white, floaty empire waisted dress.
"Tonnes of people have arrived, it looks amazing down there." Looking at the pair of us properly for the first time she broke into a wide grin and added, "Wow, it looks pretty amazing up here too! The three of us are going to knock their socks off tonight!"
"I sure hope so." The nerves were hitting me in a big way.
Simone gave me a tight hug and I was gladder than ever that we were working to combat the issues that had pushed us apart, she'd always been a great comfort to me during times of stress. Mum and Simone left then to go downstairs and welcome the guests but I stayed behind to try and calm my nerves.
Eventually I realised I couldn't hide away upstairs any longer and, checking myself out in the mirror one last time, I went out onto the landing. I was just about to start descending the stairs when I looked down and felt my whole body freeze. Standing at the bottom of the staircase, looking more incredible then I’d ever seen him, was Jack. He wore a black suit with the jacket open to reveal a crisp white shirt with the top button undone. His hair was sexily dishevelled, a couple of dark strands falling into his brilliant light blue eyes. Upon looking up and seeing me standing there, unable to even breathe, I saw something spark in those beautiful eyes and my heart sped up in response.
"Jack." It was no more than a breathy whisper but I could tell he'd heard me. "You look…" I trailed off, unable to find the words the describe what it was like seeing him looking so amazing after a week apart.
"You too." Jack made a move as if to come up the stairs towards me then suddenly seemed to realise who he was talking to and hesitated. Before I could ask him not to go he turned sharply and marched off. Still, I'd seen that look in his eyes, the yearning and the desire which was so obvious in my own when I looked in a mirror, and it convinced me, more than ever, that all was not lost.
Feeling positively light-hearted, I made my way outside to the marquee, greeting various family friends along the way. Simone had been right when she'd said it looked amazing. The huge, white tent was erected on the lawn in front of the house with flaming torches lighting paths up to the house and into secluded little grottos which I'd spend most of the day hanging fairy lights in. It was obvious to me that the effort had been truly worth it as they transformed the bushes into little secret caves where I could already see people stealing away to even though it was still dusk.
Following one of the paths inside the marquee I stopped for a moment and marvelled at the impressive décor it had taken a whole team of us to create throughout the day. The fairy lights were in full force in here as well; woven through the chair backs, looped along the walls and artfully twined around bunches of twigs standing in pots dotted around the room. There were 10 large round tables covered in crisp white tablecloths each with 10 white chairs placed at regular intervals. The cutlery was shining and a beautifully ornate candelabra stood on each table, the flames of the candles flickering gently in the soft breeze which blew in from the open flaps. Silver glitter was sprinkled across every table and glinted here and there in the grass underfoot, representing the silver wedding anniversary of my parents.
It truly looked incredible and, although a lot of the work had been done by us, the tent, table, cutlery, chair, and decorations hire together with the catering was costing a small fortune. When I'd commented on this to my mother she'd smiled and patted my cheek saying, "Yes, I wouldn't hold your breath for a large inheritance when we die, dear." Which had made me grin. It was actually really nice to see my parents doing something for themselves for a change, they weren't exactly spendthrifts and this extravagance was the first I'd ever seen them splurge on. Still, noting my dad's stunned expression as he entered the tent, I was betting mum had been the one to organise the financial side of things.
"Don't you look pretty?" My dad asked as he approached me and I gave a little spin.
"Yeah and you look…uncomfortable!" I laughed and he pulled at the silver bow tie he was wearing with a grimace.
"You know how I hate men who wear bow ties," he grumbled. "But your mother's on the warpath so I don't dare take it off. Anyway, how are you feeling? Nervous?"
"Incredibly," I answered truthfully, looking apprehensively at the small stage up the end of the tent where I would be giving my speech. "How long until my big moment?"
"Well," My dad glanced towards one of the tent flaps where a whole stream of people were filtering in, "we're all being rounded up so I'd guess any minute."
"Talia." I turned and saw Simone join us. "Tommo's got Jack and he's putting him where you said you wanted him." She pointed over to where I could see Tom guiding Jack into a seat right up the front. I gulped, I know it had been my idea to make sure they were sitting in clear view of the stage but now I was kind of wishing I'd asked for Jack to be up the back somewhere amongst all the anonymous people.
"Talia!" I turned again and this time saw my mother approaching me. "Everyone's in. Tommo's got Jack in position. Are we a go?" I nodded and smiled slightly at the military air that the proceedings had taken on.
"Roger that," I replied, in keeping with the emerging theme.
"Well, maybe not in front of everyone, darling, that might be just a tad distasteful," Mum said vaguely as she smiled and waved at her friends.
Simone spluttered with laughter and my dad shook his head at his wife's outrageous ways. I was getting too wound up with tension to find it all that amusing. My mum took my arm and started guiding me through the crowd of middle aged people; Dad and Simone trailing along behind.
I was hauled up onto the stage as my mum beamed around at everyone and picked up the microphone Matt had wired up earlier in the day.
"Hello, everybody," she said, switching on her 'gracious hostess' mode and almost glowing with cheer and goodwill. "I want to thank you all so much for coming to celebrate the silver wedding anniversary of Rob and myself. It's been an amazing 25 years and we've been so lucky to have known each and every one of you."
I had to forcibly stop myself from rolling my eyes at this, honestly she was taking the whole benevolence thing a bit far wasn't she? I saw that Matt, who didn't have the misfortune of being up on stage in front of everyone, was rolling his eyes enough for the both of us and I bit back a nervous smile.
"Now," my mum was continuing, "most of you know our two wonderful children, Matthew and Natalia." Both Matt and I winced at the use of our full names. "They have been a constant source of joy for us over the last 20 years."
"I don't know about constant!" My dad interjected loudly and the crowd tittered appreciatively.
"Well, they've brought sporadic moments of joy anyway," my mum amended with a smile. "And tonight we have a ver
y special treat as my youngest is going to present a speech. Now I've made her promise that it won't get too mushy, but she's young and idealistic so I'm afraid you'll have to brace yourself for at least a little bit of sap."
The sycophants laughed again and I realised that I was going to have to relieve my mother of the microphone soon or she was going to turn the evening into an excuse for a one woman show- the mother monologue. I gave her a little dig in her side to remind her that I was still standing there and she put her arm around me and pulled me forward. "So, without further ado I present to you Talia! Let's hope her speech isn't too long so we can eat soon!"
She passed the mic to me and glided down off the stage to the sound of applause, joining my father who was sitting next to Tommo in the front row. The clapping died down and soon almost 100 expectant faces were staring up at me, a mix of strangers, friends and family members. Matt and Kristin were sitting behind Tommo and Jack; Micky, Simone, Holly, Sean and Mr and Mrs Coogan beside them. Looking further back in the room I saw Tommo's mum with her new boyfriend and Mr and Mrs Andrews looking faintly disapproving over near the, as yet unopened, buffet. Seeing a movement by one of the entrances I watched Alex slip out hand in hand with Grace and I smiled slightly. It was kind of nice to remember that, although this speech meant an awful lot to me, it was still deemed boring enough for some to want to escape. It was a good reality check.
Taking a deep breath, I allowed my gaze to fall upon Jack and my whole body tingled in response. He was looking up at me just the same as everyone else but there was something different, something that I knew I would only be able to find in his eyes, shining back at me.
"Get on with it!" Matt shouted and I blushed and waved apologetically at the crowd.
"Sorry," I began, "I was just thinking how nice it was to see all you guys here. Some of you I know and some I don't but I just think it's fantastic to look out over this crowd and see that my mum and dad have so many friends. I hope if one day I reach my twenty fifth anniversary this many people would turn out to wish me and my partner all the best." My hands started to sweat as I mentioned a 'partner' and I forced myself not to look at Jack again, not yet.
"When my mum asked me to give a speech I didn't really know what I was going to say. I've never made a speech like this before and I wanted it to be just right, you know? So, over the past week or so, I've been doing research on love; quotes and all that kind of thing. I wrote them out all so beautifully but then I suddenly realised this morning that what other people think about love doesn't matter. These famous poets didn't know my parents when they wrote their stanzas and, as far as I'm aware, no musician has ever written a song about their marriage so why should I or any of you guys care what they had to say?"
I took a deep breath and shifted the microphone to my other hand. "So I decided to take a different approach. I thought it would be interesting to talk about my parents' relationship; how they met, their first date, their first kiss, their wedding and all of those kinds of things. I was pretty chuffed with myself for coming up with this idea, not that I'm saying it's particularly original, but then I realised something a bit disconcerting. I don't know anything about any of these occurrences! I don't know about the first time they met or their first date or their first kiss or even their wedding and this threw me. I mean they're my parents and I love them both to bits, shouldn't I know about these things?"
I saw my parents share a secret smile at this bit and was reassured that I was exactly on track with where I was going with my speech.
"But the answer I realised is no!" I said, my voice ringing clearly across the tent. "It really is none of my business. I don't need to know about their special moments because they are their special moments. None of us, no matter how close we are to them, can lay claim to these memories. You know that saying: 'No-one knows what's really going on in a relationship except the two people in it'? Well I think that is exactly right. I'm not a big one for making a fuss about the sacrament of marriage or anything like that but I believe that some things are sacred to a couple."
At this I let my eyes wander onto Simone and saw that her eyes were shining with unshed tears as she clutched Micky's hand. She gave me a little nod to let me know she knew and appreciated what I was trying to say.
"What's sacred is that tingle in your stomach that lets you know the one you love is in the room even before you see them. What's sacred is that look in their eyes that you know they can only give to you. What's sacred is whatever that spark is between people that no-one, as far as I can tell, has ever been able to properly describe even though everybody, from poets to scientists, have tried. So you see I can't really talk to you about these moments my parents had which, let's face it, I'm kind of glad about because - come on! - they're my parents!"
There was another ripple of chuckles at this which bolstered me somewhat as I continued. "I guess, like my mum said it would, this speech has got a bit mushy so I'm going to try and pull it back into reality a bit. Although I’m far, far down the line in terms of people to first discover this I have to say it: love is hard! I don't for a minute imagine that my parents got together and then had completely smooth sailing. I know for a fact that my mother's brother, my uncle Steve, hated my dad until well after my parents were married." I looked significantly at Matt as I said this but he just raised his eyebrows challengingly as if to say: 'So?' "But whatever trials they came across I guess they rode them out or, if I know my mum and dad, took one look at them and smashed them into smithereens, because they felt what they had was more important than the rubbish they met along the way. And I think that's pretty inspiring. Especially because, in my own life, I've been cowardly when it comes to these obstacles. I know for most of you what I'm saying is old news but this is all new for me so humour me here for a few moments as I tell you about the lessons I've learnt this year."
I couldn't keep my eyes away from Jack by this point and I clutched the mic tightly as I saw he'd let the shield come over his face to stop me from knowing what he was thinking. Was that a good sign? I wondered. Was he shutting me out because he didn't want me to see the affect my mentioning of 'lessons' had had on him or had he just shut down because he didn't care what I had to say? I supposed there was only one way to find out and soldiered on, willing him to let me back in.
"Firstly, I suppose I learnt about what I've already talked about, the fact that nobody has any rights over other people's relationships. Secondly, I learnt that you might love someone but that you cannot control their lives. Even if you think you know what's the best for them you can only work in partnership with them and hope they understand when you tell them of your concerns or ideas. Thirdly, lies are bad but the truth can be equally destructive and when people start playing around with deceit and deception, or even absolute honesty, things can rapidly get out of control. Fourthly, I realised that love is overwhelming and when you start thinking about all the people who you love and who love you it can feel like you're going to be ripped apart. I mean what are you supposed to do if they conflict? Start up a list and try to rank the people you love in order of most important down to least important? Of course not! That's impossible! For starters love isn't just one thing, it can appear in heaps and heaps of different incarnations and trying to keep track of them all, well, it could do your bloody head in!"
Just as mine had nearly been done in, I thought.
"Right," I was on the homeward stretch now, "I can see that some of you are falling asleep so I'm going to finish up. My final lesson is the most amazing, important thing anyone has ever said to me and, regardless of whether this speech has achieved what I wanted it to or not, I will always view this as the best advice I've ever been given." I paused and added, "I only wish I'd followed their advice sooner and stopped all the heartache I have given them and myself."
God, I could feel the tears welling up and there was no way I wanted to do my puffer fish impersonation now. I put a hand on my chest as if to push the tears back down and smiled a watery
smile, desperate to get my last words out before I lost it completely.
"I think even some of you old codgers might appreciate this advice and so I hope everyone is listening. Are you ready? Here we go: figure out what you want and then just bloody go for it."
There were some smiles around the room and even more nods and I was glad to see that Jack and I weren't the only ones who considered it good advice.
"And I guess, after congratulating my parents on standing twenty five years with each other, that's the point of this speech. I just wanted to say that, Jack, I know it's taken me way too long but I've finally figured out what I want. And it's you."
So Much to Learn Page 59