by Emerson Rose
“This thing with us. It’s not an average love, it’s enormous and intense, and sometimes, like this morning, it’s scary.”
Her hands come to rest on my chest, and she lowers her eyes to them. “You don’t know how relieved I am to know you feel it, too. Every second away from you is a second I’m looking forward to being with you again.”
“I would have to be dead not to feel it, angel, and I hate the miles between us, too. When I put you on that plane to send you back to New York, it feels like I’m holding my breath until you come back to me.”
“If I tell you something, will you promise not to think I’m nuts?”
She looks up, and I tuck my chin down to see her. “I’ll give it my best shot.”
“When I feel those giant waves of passion and emotion like this morning, I start to think about losing you and how I couldn’t live if I did.”
Releasing her waist, I place my hands on either side of her face and look into her troubled eyes. “I am not going anywhere, not now, not ever. As long as you want me, I’m yours.”
“You can’t promise that. You never know what’s going to happen, and I’m emotionally drowning in you, it’s too much. What if you fall out of love with me or get in an accident, or someone more beautiful or intelligent comes along, then what? I’m left utterly heartbroken and devastated.” Tears are pooling in her eyes, and I want to do something to reassure her, but she’s right, you can’t predict the future, we never know what might happen.
“Angel, listen to me, you are a planner, a detail junkie like me. We want things to be neat, tidy, and tied up in a perfect bow, but life isn’t like that. You can’t live your life in fear of the ‘what ifs.’ You have been shouldering all of the burdens of life by yourself for so long you don’t know how to let go and enjoy it. Work and the responsibilities that come with raising a teenage boy consume you. Those things you can control, but this, what we have, you can’t.
“I learned that when my wife, Chloe, died within three weeks of being diagnosed with cancer. I was living the American dream, good job as a career Marine, a beautiful wife who loved me, and a child on the way, and then, poof, it was all gone. Losing Chloe and my baby taught me, in the harshest way imaginable, that life is unpredictable.
“You never know what’s around the next corner. All we can do is love one another as much as we can and pray for a long, beautiful life together. If it doesn’t turn out that way, I am living proof that you will go on. I thought I would never, no let me rephrase that, I refused ever to love again. That’s why living with Ash and caring for his family works for me. I live vicariously through him. I get my family without all the risk. I didn’t plan on this, on you, on us, but here you are lighting me on fire, making me feel things I’ve never felt before. That’s life, a bitch one day and an angel the next.”
“I’m so sorry about your wife and baby.”
“Me, too. She was a beautiful soul, gentle and loving, always giving and comforting those she loved. I miss her. I thought the hole she left in my heart would never heal until I met you. You are my real-life angel.”
She turns and presses her cheek against my chest hugging me tightly. “I’ll try.”
“To let go?”
“Mmm hmm. It won’t be easy.”
“It never is, but I promise to help you.”
“Thank you.”
It’s raining hard now, palm trees are being whipped back and forth, and waves are crashing on the shore in angry explosions. The direction of the wind changes suddenly, and rain is pelting the glass of the back of the house.
“We should probably get away from the window.”
“Yeah, I’m going to check on David.”
“You do that, and I’ll start dinner.” She nods and moves to the base of the stairs.
“Ridge?”
“Yes?”
“I love you. Don’t you ever forget that,” she says repeating the words I say to her so often.
I smile and pause a moment to take her in. She’s beautiful inside and out, and that’s rare these days. “I love you, too.”
“For a million years and forever?”
“Yes, for a million years and forever.”
She turns to climb the stairs and check on her brother. I make my way into the kitchen to make us something to eat and not worry about things we can’t control, like this damn storm.
Later that night after fish tacos and hours binge watching Queen of the South on Netflix with David, we are curled up in bed watching the storm. It’s calmer but still raining, and there is an occasional lightning strike in the distance that lights up the room. I love thunderstorms in Montana, the way the air smells like the earth, and the sense of rebirth when they’re over. Working the land back home is like giving and taking back— it’s an equal partnership. But storms in California feel more like punishment for the sins of humans taking too much and not giving anything back. Mother Nature’s pissed, and we just happen to be visiting during her hissy fit.
“Do you think it’ll do this all night?” she asks watching the storm.
“Maybe.”
“I can’t sleep with all that going on,” she complains.
“What should we do then?”
“Snuggle, talk, kiss, or whatever. In that order.”
“Or whatever? Now that sounds promising.”
“You can’t skip the first three. It’s a process.”
“Hmm, all right, come here.” I pull her closer to my side and squeeze her tight. Our legs slide together in a natural tangle, and she rests her face on my chest. “Okay, now we have the cuddling mastered. What was next?”
“Talking,” she giggles, and my heart swells. I love the sound of her laugh. It’s a cross between a young girl and a sexy vixen.
“What would you like to talk about?”
“I don’t know, tell me something about you that I don’t know yet.”
“I’ve shared it all with you. I’m an open book.”
“No, there has to be something.”
I sigh and think for a moment. “The baby Chloe was pregnant with was a girl. I had a daughter.” I don’t know where that came from. I don’t talk about Chloe and my baby much. She scoots back off of my chest so she can look up at me.
“Ridge, I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t mean to dampen the mood, but if you want to know a secret that’s the only one I’ve kept from you. Now you have it all.”
“I appreciate you sharing. I can’t imagine that kind of loss.”
“I hope you never have to.”
She returns to her place on my chest, and we are quiet again while we watch the storm rage outside our window.
“Your turn, tell me something about you that I don’t know.”
“Hmm, well, it’s my dream to be promoted and move into an apartment in a good part of the city.”
“I already knew that.”
“How, I’ve never told you.”
“Because nobody in their right mind would live where you live unless they were forced to.”
“Hey, that’s not nice.”
“Angel, that neighborhood is so bad I don’t even want to let you go back after this vacation.”
“It is bad, but we can handle ourselves. We’ve been doing it forever.”
“Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it any less dangerous.”
“Okay, I’m tired of the talking part. Let’s move onto kissing.”
“Avoiding the problem isn’t going to make it go away.”
She groans. “It won’t be long I hope. I have a few good stories to cover that will impress my boss and get me that promotion. If she hasn’t already given it to someone else, that is.”
“You’re still worried about her firing you because of me?”
“Not so much firing me as making my life difficult. I don’t know how hard she’s going to push me on it. She could use the promotion as a temptation, but I would never give her any of the photos I’ve taken of you or an inside scoop, never.”
A big part of me wants to believe that, but she’s worked so hard to get where she is. Having the rug pulled out from under your dreams when you’re so close can make people do things they normally wouldn’t.
I kiss the top of her head and decide to leave the topic alone. I don’t want to get into an in-depth discussion about it right now and ruin our time together.
“So? Kissing now?”
“Yes, kissing now.”
“And then whatever?” she says smiling against my skin.
“Yes, angel, lot’s of whatever.”
Twenty
Allison
Misunderstandings Suck
The morning after a storm on the beach looks like the ocean barfed all over the sand. Seaweed shells and sticks litter the beach for as far as the eye can see in both directions. Neither David or I have ever been seashell hunting before, so we are headed down to have a go at it while Ridge runs to the store to restock a few things we’ve run out of already.
“Any last minute requests?” he asks from the kitchen. David and I are already on the deck putting on our shoes at Ridge’s insistence, so our feet don’t get cut.
“Dr. Pepper!” David yells.
“Allison?” Ridge says.
“No, I’m good, I don’t need anything. We’re off, see you in a bit.” David and I wave at him and make our way down the steps to the water. We walk up and down picking up the least broken shells and checking out some of the odd things that have washed ashore like a Lego and a shoe.
I’m trying to have fun, but I keep thinking about a text I got this morning. Caroline, who has never text me directly as she’s my boss’s boss, text me saying that her private sources have found out I am indeed dating Ridge Noble. That wouldn’t be bad in and of it self, but, the part after that was upsetting. It was an ultimatum of sorts—hand over the photographs I’ve taken of Ridge or stay in my current position forever with no chance of promotion.
Either way, I can’t win. I may as well start looking for another job, which after that text, isn’t a bad idea anyway. I don’t want to work for people who bully and blackmail their employees into doing unethical things.
“Allison! Earth to Ally Cat!” David yells, and I snap back from my thoughts.
“Yeah, sorry what?”
“Over here, this is so lit. Come look.”
I pick my way through the littered sand to where David is hunched over a little tide pool looking at something.
“What is it?” I ask stepping onto a rock to look in the pool.
“A bunch of starfish. They’re so cool, aren’t they?” I bend down and look at them closer. “Yeah, they’re beautiful.” There are half a dozen bright orange starfish bobbing around in the shallow water.
“Do you think they’ll go out with the tide later?”
“I do, I’m sure it was just the storm that brought them in.”
We stand peering into the tide pool for a while with seagulls squawking overhead, and the sun beating down on our backs until David turns to me. “Ally, are you and Ridge going to get married?”
“Wow, where did that come from?”
“I don’t know. You guys are into each other a lot, and I figured you might.”
I link my arm into his and bump my hip against him. “We haven’t talked about marriage or anything permanent, but if you’re worried about losing me, don’t. No matter what happens with Ridge and me, you are my priority.”
“Yeah, but I shouldn’t be. You’re my sister, not my mom. You should be able to live your life however you want and not worry about me.”
“What makes you think that? I may not be your mom, but I’m your family and family takes care of each other, no matter what. And by the way, I am living my life how I want. Making you happy and keeping you safe is what keeps me going. I love you, little brother. Don’t you ever forget it,” I say, using Ridge’s mantra.
“I love you, too.”
“All right then, now that we have that settled, let’s find some cool shells.”
“Okay.”
For the next hour, we comb the beach until Ridge yells from the house to come inside and eat. David pulled out the bottom edge of his t-shirt to carry our treasures up to the deck. When we get there, he pours them onto the table. “We did good, huh?” he asks.
“Yep, I’d say we found quite a few for a couple of amateurs. Come on, let’s go wash up and eat, I’m starving.”
“Okay, me, too.”
Inside David heads upstairs to use his bathroom sink, and I join Ridge in the kitchen. He’s standing in front of the stove cooking eggs and fried potatoes. It smells like heaven on earth after only having a cup of coffee this morning before shell hunting.
“Smells great, thank you for cooking,” I say turning on the sink to wash my hands. He’s quiet as he stirs the potatoes and when they’re done, he turns away from me to dish them out onto two plates that are sitting on the island.
“Somebody not eating breakfast?” I ask.
“I’m meeting the contractor who’s renovating the house for Ash. He asked me to check on a few things. I don’t have time for breakfast,” he says, and suddenly it feels like the temperature dropped ten degrees in the room. There’s no warm familiarity in his voice, no tenderness, no love.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes, but I have to make sure they’re ordering the correct materials.” He’s back at the stove now turning it off and removing the eggs.
“I don’t mean with that, I mean with you. You seem upset.”
“Well, I’m not. I have things to do. I can’t just play around all day and not help my boss when I’m using his house,” he snaps. Geesh, what crawled up his butt this morning? He seemed fine before he went to the grocery store.
“I’m sorry, I thought you were on vacation, too. I didn’t know you were helping with the renovations.”
“I am a part of anything Ash is involved in. I’m his personal assistant, Allison, and that’s not a responsibility I take lightly.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. Do you know when you’ll be home?”
“No, it could be a while. I suggest you find something to do with David today.”
This conversation has gone from cold to frigid in a matter of minutes, and I don’t like it. Something’s wrong, something he apparently doesn’t want to talk about with me.
He swipes his keys off the counter and makes his way to the stairs without so much as a goodbye or a kiss—a first since we’ve met. He passes David on his way up and murmurs goodbye. He closes the front door as David arrives in the kitchen.
“What’s up with him?” he says hitching his thumb toward the stairs.
“I’m not sure. He’s going to check on some things with the contractor who’s going to renovate this house for his boss, Ash, but I’m pretty sure something else is going on.”
“Yeah, I’ve never seen him look so grouchy. He barely looked at me when I said goodbye.”
“Me, too.” I sigh and sit down to eat even though my appetite is gone.
David plops down on the stool next to me and starts to dig in. “He’s a damn good cook, isn’t he?”
“David, language.”
“Sorry, but he is.”
He is, he’s good at a lot of things but hiding his feelings isn’t one of them. I’ll give him today to work it out, and if he’s still in this shitty mood when he gets home, I will figure out a way to get him to talk.
I take a bite of egg and try to swallow it down, but the lump in my throat is in the way. Tears fill my eyes, but I blink them away and clear my throat to keep from breaking down in front of David. It’s time to put on my brave face, pull up my big girl panties, and be an adult.
“So it looks like we are on our own today, what do you want to do?”
“Ridge is going to be gone all day?” he asks giving me a quick side glance. Sometimes I forget he’s nearly an adult. He can read the emotion in my voice. He knows Ridge’s mood is bothering me.
“Yes, he said i
t might take a while. You up for a drive along the coast?”
“Sure, but didn’t Ridge take the car?”
“We’ll rent one ourselves, a red convertible, it’ll be fun,” I say in a cheery voice.
“Okay, cool. Can I drive?”
“Did you bring your permit?” David’s had his permit since he was fourteen, but we rarely have the opportunity to go driving in the city with no car and tons of public transportation.
“Yep.”
“How about I drive first and then you do a little practicing in a parking lot before you get out on the road? It’s been a while.”
“Okay.”
He finishes his food while I push mine around on the plate, and when we’re done, I search for my phone to order a car and have it delivered to the house. “David, have you seen my phone?”
“I thought I saw it on the counter when we went down to the beach.”
“It was. I checked the forecast before we went, and I swear I put it right here,” I say placing my palm on the end of the counter where Ridge was cooking.
“Is that it under the pot holder thing?” he says pointing near the stove. I lift it up, “Yep, Ridge must have moved it when he was cooking.” But why? It wasn’t in his way where it was, and he wouldn’t answer it if it were ringing, or at least he never has before. Oh God, I hope Caroline didn’t call. I didn’t respond to her text this morning. If he answered the call, she would have drilled him.
“Shit.”
“What’s the matter?” David asks. Did I say that out loud? I didn’t think I had.
“Nothing, just remembered something I didn’t do at work. I’m going to change and order the car. I’ll be down in a few.”
“Okay, I’m gonna go see if Jack is surfing this morning.”
“Is that one of the people you met the other day?”
“Yeah, he’s epic, and the best surfer around here.”
“All right, keep your phone on, and I’ll text you when I’m ready to go.”
“Okay.”
Upstairs in our bedroom, I shut the door and dial Ridge. The call goes straight to voicemail, but I hang up since I don’t know what to say. I’m going to have to wait until he comes back tonight to confront him. A thought hits me from out of nowhere. What if he doesn’t come back? What if he’s so angry about the thing with my boss that he decides to go home?