“I don’t want or need your help. I want and need to be alone.”
“I can’t let you.”
“Do what you want then.” Joe headed toward the door. “If you won’t leave, I will.” He stormed out of the room and into the hall, wishing like anything he could forget the look of shock and grief on Lisa’s face.
Together only a few minutes, and he’d hurt her all over again. Good going, Joe. He slapped the heel of his hands into his forehead.
****
The slamming of the door echoed painfully loud in her ears. Lisa resisted the urge to go after Joe but knew it would do no good. He’d made up his mind. The determination had sparked in his eyes. She prayed he wouldn’t get off the ship in Vancouver.
Oh, Joe, you are in such trouble.
She’d made a horrible mistake in coming here. Joe needed to be here, and she’d scared him off.
He so obviously needed to find peace. More than the rescue of their marriage, Joe’s relationship with God needed to be salvaged. Lisa couldn’t believe she’d put her own needs above Joe’s. Rose would say she didn’t, that she wasn’t being selfish. But Lisa knew better.
Even though she’d voiced to herself that Joe’s needs were more important than their marriage, she’d remained focused on getting Joe to come home. She’d made it her number one priority. She could justify it a hundred different ways, but the bottom line remained. She’d had it all backward.
As Lisa’s mind touched on that one thing, it rocked her with a soul-jarring clarity. She’d known it all along on some level, but selfishness pushed her own wants and needs to the forefront of her mind. She wanted Joe back, needed him back. But he needed something more, something above all else. The Lord. God. Joe had grown so far from his Savior; his relationship with the Father needed mending. More than their marriage being saved, Joe needed a renewal of faith.
Why hadn’t she seen it sooner? Because she’d been so consumed with her own needs. She’d figured if her marriage was secure that she could help Joe find his way back to the Lord. But in reality, Joe’s soul was the most important, and if he found his way back to the Lord, their marriage might possibly be saved. But if not…at least Joe’s soul could rest.
With a trembling hand, Lisa swiped at her tears. It wasn’t as if her motives were evil.
Could it be so wrong to want to help her husband deal with his grief, to want to help him find peace? Those pain-laced words he’d uttered upon waking tore at her heart. He’d sounded so lost…looked so lost. The pain darkening his eyes was so immediate it took her breath away.
Joe blamed himself for the accident even though he’d never come right out and say it. She’d suspected it was the reason he’d retreated further into himself until finally he’d quit coming home at all. She knew he slept on the couch in his office. His law firm was in a building that housed a large fitness center, so he probably showered there. Where he washed his laundry, where he ate his meals, she could only guess.
Oh, Joe. What has happened to us?
Comfort. Joe badly needed it. She did, too. But given the tormented words he’d spoken earlier, he needed it more. As his wife, Lisa should be the one to give it to him. But so far, she’d failed.
****
Long after they departed Vancouver, Joe sat at a table in the observation section on the Stargazer Deck.
The dark chilly night made it the perfect environment to be alone. It matched his mood. The occasional couple strolled by, but they afforded him barely a glance before they shared kisses in the moonlight or marveled over the sight of the now distant and fading Vancouver skyline.
He’d almost disembarked in Vancouver. Something stopped him, though he couldn’t say what. Most likely because they—Lisa, his boss, his co-workers—were right. Much as he hated to admit it, getting away would be good for him. And if he happened to find the closure they kept spouting about, so much the better. Even though he wasn’t convinced he deserved it, he supposed deep down he really wanted it.
Yes, that’s probably why he’d stayed on board. It certainly couldn’t be because of Lisa’s presence.
Unfortunately, he’d have to face her sooner or later. With a fully booked ship, he had nowhere to go except his own room unless he wanted to sit out here all night. He didn’t. He’d almost be willing to, just to make a point, but then he could hardly stay outside for the entire two weeks. And the closer they got to Alaska, the more he risked turning into a freezer-pop just to make a point to Lisa. And that would be foolish since he didn’t really know what point he wanted to make.
Much to his relief, Lisa appeared to be asleep in the top bunk when he let himself into the room.
Hours later, as he lay in the dark listening to the soft sound of her breathing, Joe wished he could fall asleep as well. Occasionally, he detected a hint of her citrusy fragrance. It did things to his heart. Things he didn’t understand, things he sure didn’t want to contemplate.
Once again, he had to ask himself the question: how on earth could he share this tiny room with her for the next two weeks?
5
Early the next morning, Lisa was relieved to find Joe sleeping in the bunk below her. After checking several times during the night to see if he had come back to the room, she’d finally fallen asleep certain he’d gotten off the ship in Vancouver. She’d climbed up and down the ladder of the bunk bed so many times, her legs ached this morning.
Now, staring at Joe, she blinked back unexpected tears. He appeared to sleep fitfully, without any hint of peace. She resisted the urge to reach out and comfort him. Instead, she quietly gathered her things for a shower.
When she came out of the bathroom, he was still asleep. Too edgy to sit around the room waiting for another confrontation with him and certain there would be one as soon as he woke, Lisa decided to explore the ship.
Her first impression of the liner being huge was right on the mark. A floating city, Lisa never imagined it could be so large. Besides what must be hundreds of people, there was an amazing number of restaurants, cafés, lounges, and gift shops.
As she walked past one of the gift shops, a vase of tulips in the window caught her eye. Tulips reminded her of Joe. She hoped they, in turn, reminded him of her.
On impulse, Lisa entered the shop. A bell tinkled on the door. A pretty sound prompted Lisa to turn and look at the door. A delicate set of chimes hung from a pewter replica of an orca. Each chime had a little charm hooked to the bottom; a tiny starfish, a seashell, a fish, and a seagull.
Thinking of her son, a catch tugged at her heart, and she remembered the sweatshirt tucked into the bottom of her suitcase. Certain they’d see whales at some point on this trip, she’d brought it to feel close to Cody.
“Excuse me, lady?”
Feeling a rough hand poking at her arm, Lisa looked up at an older gentleman. Only then did she realize she still stood in the doorway to the gift shop staring, albeit blankly, at the whale chimes.
“You gonna shop or what? You’re making it awful hard for people to come in and out of the store.”
Lisa looked around in embarrassment. The only one who seemed upset was this man. Still, people watched.
“I’m so sorry.” She stepped aside. Ignoring the stares, she went to the counter and asked the clerk if they had any more chimes. While she waited, she picked up a novel from the rack near the counter and a bundle of brightly colored tulips from the refrigerated flower case.
On the way back to the room, she ducked into one of the many restaurants and ordered a take-out breakfast for Joe.
When Lisa arrived back at the room, her hands were full. She tried to juggle the tray of food, her purse, her book, her package with the wind chimes, and the bundle of tulips, all the while fishing her key card out of her pocket. She’d stuck it there earlier, to try and avoid this problem. Before she could stop them, the flowers slid to the floor.
“I’ll get them for you, lady.” She could tell without looking that the cheerful voice belonged to a little boy,
and from the corner of her eye, Lisa saw a flash of sandy blond hair. Cody!
Of course it wasn’t possible, but for just a moment she couldn’t bring herself to look. When she did, a young boy stared up at her. With blond hair and blue eyes like Cody, this little boy was much younger than her son. He was about six years old, and his wide smile tugged at her heart. Obviously proud of himself, he held out the slightly battered tulips.
“Thank you.” Lisa reached out to take them from him.
“You want me to hold ’em for you while you open the door?”
“That would be nice. Thank you.”
“I’ll hold those other things, too, if you want.”
Lisa smiled at the boy and handed him the wind chimes and her book. Then she balanced the food tray with one arm while she inserted the key in the door. She held it open with her foot and took the flowers and other items from the little boy. He looked at her expectantly as if he hoped to come inside. “My husband’s sleeping, so I have to be really quiet,” she whispered. “But thank you for your help.”
“You’re welcome.” The boy grinned up at her. “See ya!” With that, he scrambled down the hall.
As she let the door close quietly behind her, Lisa couldn’t help but hope she’d see the little boy again.
Joe still slept restlessly. If only he would let her comfort him. She didn’t want to push him, though. He wanted to be left alone. If helping him meant leaving him alone, she’d leave him alone. Surely, she could find a quiet spot on one of the decks somewhere and read her book. It didn’t mean she had to like it, but for now it might be the best thing. She set the food and flowers on the table then went to the closet and tucked the wind chimes away. After grabbing her new book, she headed toward the door again. At the last minute, she turned back and plucked one deep purple parrot tulip from the vase then placed it on top of the lid covering Joe’s food.
As she walked out the door, she couldn’t help but wonder if it would hold the same meaning for Joe as it did for her.
****
A dozen good smells wafted in the air. Fragrant, tantalizing, all of them were Lisa. Shampoo, hair spray, deodorant, powder, each scent was a little different. All combined to create a wonderful scent belonging solely to her. They were the same fragrances that filled the air last night and made sure Lisa never left his thoughts.
She was here, and he had to accept it. That didn’t mean he had to like it.
Of course, deep down on some level of his consciousness, he was happy she was here. OK, maybe that was stretching it. But some part of his soul recognized that her presence filled a small bit of the emptiness.
He’d had a lot of time to think last night while he tossed and turned. He remembered something Mike said that day he kept preaching about closure. The same day he suggested Joe should file for divorce. That Joe didn’t really love Lisa. If he did, he’d help her find closure. Joe wasn’t sure how a divorce equated to closure, but Mike said she’d be able to move on and find someone who could make her happy since Joe obviously couldn’t.
Lisa had changed her mind about coming on the cruise. He couldn’t really fault her for that. More than he did, Lisa deserved to be here finding closure. And could he, in all good conscience, interfere with her finding it? Plain and simple: no. It wouldn’t be right.
Which meant he had to let her find what she was looking for, instead of fighting with her about being here. He couldn’t act sullen and stubborn. Maybe he should even help make it enjoyable, so when she received the divorce papers she would at least have found closure over Cody’s death. Maybe that would give him one less regret in his life.
But what would happen to his heart in the meantime?
Joe peeked one eye open, half expecting her to be sitting there staring at him. Much to his relief she wasn’t. Having spent a restless night thinking of nothing but being in the same room with her, and how he would survive in her presence for the next two weeks, it was too much to hope she’d changed her mind and found other accommodations.
Of course she wouldn’t. The determination he’d glimpsed in her eyes last night pretty much promised she wouldn’t go away until she accomplished her goal. And Joe was certain of her goal. Him. He’d have to steel his nerves and dig in deep because as much as he’d love to just take her in his arms and make everything better, he couldn’t.
That she still cared didn’t surprise him. Lisa loved fiercely and never gave her heart conditionally. It would take a real slap in the face—the divorce papers—to get her to give up on him.
The thought of the pain it would cause her twisted his stomach in knots. He was so sorry. Sorry for everything. Who knew seventeen years ago that their marriage would end this way?
As teenagers, they’d been so full of hope for the future, so full of dreams. He never imagined he’d become such a slave to his career and put everyone dear to him on the back burner.
On his way to the shower, Joe noticed a covered tray on the table. Breakfast. Next to it sat a vase of brightly colored tulips. Courtesy of his wife, no doubt. He sure hadn’t noticed them last night.
One tulip, the color of a ripe grape, lay across the lid.
A feeling of dread settled in his throat, and he continued toward the shower. If he hadn’t been sure of her motive before, he certainly was now.
Grape parrot tulips had decorated the small country cabin on Campbell Lake where they’d spent their honeymoon. Lisa fell in love with the tulips. She ordered dozens of bulbs and planted them along the walkway of their first small house. She wasn’t going to make this easy. Not one little bit.
She was trying to get him to feel things. Remember things. Determined not to let it work, Joe turned his back on the loving gesture and headed for the shower.
The blast of water felt good, but it wasn’t strong enough to wash away his guilt over the hurt he’d see in Lisa’s eyes when she discovered he’d ignored her breakfast tray.
When he finished in the shower, Joe tried not to notice the intimate way his toothbrush sat on the counter next to Lisa’s. The way his deodorant was lined up next to hers. The little bottles and cans that made her smell so good were neatly set out on the counter.
He finished dressing, irritated for noticing so many small things. Even more irritating, though, was the guilt.
Joe couldn’t stand the pain encompassing Lisa. It was one of the reasons he’d stopped going home after work. Being obligated to work was one thing—it helped him shove aside the emotional pain of Cody’s loss. But once the workday was over and it was time to go home to Lisa, the dread would start building inside his gut. She was sad. And he…he was guilty. That’s why it was so impossible for him to live up to his obligations as a husband and help his wife through the tragedy. It was becoming more and more difficult to keep from shedding tears himself.
He couldn’t bear to wipe one more tear from her eyes, couldn’t bear to wrap her in his arms and offer his shoulder any longer.
So…if eating the food she brought would keep the hurt from her eyes, he’d eat it.
Sitting alone at the table, Joe pulled the cover off the tray of food. As the smells of French toast and bacon teased his senses, he looked around the little room, thinking about what today—this trip—would have been like if he hadn’t made a stupid, selfish decision that altered their lives forever. Cody would have been here, laughing, eager. Lisa’s eyes wouldn’t look so haunted, and her face wouldn’t be so thin.
Oh, Lisa, I’m so sorry.
It shouldn’t have been that way.
If only he’d been what a husband and father should be. He’d been lousy at both. His wife would be so much better off without him in her life. She deserved her chance at happiness and the way to find it sure wasn’t with him.
****
Exhausted after exploring the shops and salons on all the different decks, Lisa finally plopped herself down on a cushy lounge chair and stared out at the water. She didn’t know what deck she was on, but she was tired and didn’t really care.
This would be tougher than she’d originally thought. Joe was her heart, her soul, her life. She had to make him realize that before it was too late. Judging by his reaction to her presence, “too late” wasn’t that far off, and it terrified her. Would he spend the entire cruise like this?
“Things are never as bad as they seem, dear.”
Startled out of her self-pitying thoughts, Lisa looked up to see a pleasant-faced older woman standing next to her.
“May I?” The woman pointed to the chair next to Lisa.
Lisa nodded, unsure about wanting to converse with someone right now. “Please, be my guest.” She waved at the empty chair even though she didn’t mean it.
“Ah.” The woman sighed as she sat down. “These chairs really are comfortable.”
“Yes, they are.”
Lisa looked out at the water. Perhaps if she didn’t engage the woman in conversation, she would simply go away. She seemed nice enough, but Lisa had too much on her mind to get to know someone right now. Though she now had her blossoming friendship with Rose, she’d never really been good at close relationships. Not with anyone but Joe.
“Jessica Lane.” The woman extended her hand, and Lisa had no choice but to take it. She didn’t want to seem rude. The woman’s firm, warm clasp took Lisa by surprise, and she could almost feel the caring emanating from the older woman.
That was, of course, ridiculous. Kind and friendly though she might be, the woman was a complete stranger.
“Lisa Kendall.” She waited for what seemed to be the proper amount of time and withdrew her hand.
“Is this your first cruise?” Jessica’s green eyes seemed to sparkle behind her thick glasses.
“Yes. And you?”
Jessica nodded and leaned forward in a confiding manner. “To tell you the truth, it’s my first trip anywhere.”
Lisa looked at her, in awe. “Really?”
“Really. My husband and I were always too busy working to take a trip. Not that I regret anything,” she added quickly.
True North Page 5