“Joe!” Heart thumping, she struggled to catch her breath. Too late, she realized she’d scared him.
He jumped up from his chair so fast the book he’d been reading dropped to the floor with a loud smack.
“What’s wrong?”
“Whales,” she gasped, nodding at the same time so he wouldn’t worry. “We have to hurry.”
“That’s it? I thought something was wrong.”
His reaction puzzled her. “What do you mean, ‘that’s it’? Seeing them in their natural habitat was Cody’s dream.”
“So?” He reached down to grab at the book, but his fingers just caught the edges, and the book toppled end-over-end. Just like their lives.
“Come on, Joe.” In spite of the sense of urgency overwhelming her, Lisa softened her voice. “I want you to see them with me. For Cody.”
“Cody's not here.” The bitterness in his tone pierced her heart.
“I know he’s not, but you are. You can’t stop living. Or feeling.” If the way he studied the book was any indication, that’s exactly what he intended.
“You don’t know anything about it.”
Of course she did, and she could tell by the way he wouldn’t meet her eyes, he knew she did.
“I know it hurts. But it’s time to find a way to deal with the hurt.”
As soon as she spoke the words, she wished she could take them back. She hadn’t meant to sound so callous. Who was she to tell him when to deal with his grief?
Maybe if she hadn’t shown up unannounced, he would be dealing with it. Once again doubts plagued her. She wanted to help him, not make things worse. “I’m sorry. I just thought it would help us feel closer to him. If Cody were still alive and he—”
“He’s not.” Joe’s words were cold, flat.
“I know that.” She clenched her fists. Desperation seized her. How could she get through to him? “Just listen for a minute. If Cody were still alive, and he couldn't be here, what would you do? What would he want you to do? I think he’d want you to see the whales and remember every detail and then tell him all about it. That’s exactly what I intend to do.”
“Watch the whales and then tell Cody?”
She swallowed hard. She hadn’t meant to say that. “Yes.”
“You talk to Cody?” He had a curious, questioning tone to his voice.
“Sometimes.” Heat stole across her face. “Sometimes it’s like he’s still here, and I talk to him before I’ve even realized it.”
He creased his brow and stared at her with a frown. Did he think she was crazy? She wasn’t.
Lisa closed her mouth, not wanting him to worry about her any more than he already did. Even though Joe wanted to act as if he didn’t care, he had to worry about her.
She approached him and hesitated, unsure of whether she was trying the right tact. “If I promise to stay here in the cabin, will you go up and see the whales?”
“No!” He reached down again and scooped up the book. Then he slammed it against his thigh. Lisa jumped, fighting back sudden tears.
A flicker of regret appeared to cross Joe’s face. But it disappeared almost instantly. If it was regret, Joe managed to hide it before she could be sure. Then he said, “Do whatever you want. Just leave me alone.”
Unable to respond, Lisa pressed her hands to her cheeks. Relieved to find no tears had spilled over, she let herself out the door without a backward glance.
****
Once again, Lisa found herself standing outside their cabin—alone. A sense of despair overwhelmed her. This day would only get worse.
The frightening blowup Joe displayed when she’d told him about the whales certainly wasn’t what she’d expected, but logic told her his rage wasn’t directed at her. Joe would never hurt her. Still, some deep-seated instinct hurried her out of there.
Still upset by the confrontation with Joe, she went right past the elevator until she found the stairwell where she took the stairs two at a time until she reached the Skygazer Deck.
Why she chose this deck, she couldn’t say. Perhaps because it was fast becoming familiar to her while the rest of the ship seemed to be a huge intimidating void she wanted no part of. At least in this small corner of the ship, with its green plants and comforting furniture, she could see the view and feel almost at home.
Heading down the length of the deck, Lisa noted how empty it was. That was odd. There had been such a buzz about the whales before she’d gone to get Joe, she was certain everyone on the ship would be watching for them.
The occasional couple or family milled about, but they weren’t even looking over the side as if there was something to see.
Had she missed them? Her hopes fell.
No. She refused to contemplate it. She had to see the whales. Not just for Cody but for herself.
Desperate now, heart hammering, Lisa looked for a way to cut across to the other side of the deck.
She ducked into a nearby lounge, cringing at the thick cloud of smoke and loud noise. Clearly she’d found one of the smoking areas. But there across the crowded place, a door opened to the opposite side of the ship.
Lisa dashed across the room and out the door.
Here she found the crowds. She wanted to raise her fist and punch the air in victory. Especially when she heard the loud chorus of ooohs and aaahs. But she wasn’t outwardly demonstrative in front of other people. Call it shyness—she wasn’t sure what else to call it. Either way, she kept her impulses to herself.
“Thank you, Lord,” she prayed sincerely as she ran toward the crowd.
****
If Cody was still alive and he couldn’t be here, what would you do? Lisa’s words taunted Joe until he wanted to lash out and slam his fists into the wall. Frustrated, he paced around the cabin, sickened by the confrontation and the way he’d spoken to her. The hurt in those beautiful blue eyes was something he wouldn’t soon forget. If ever.
Did she really talk to their son? She seemed nervous when she said it, as if she feared he’d think her crazy. He was glad she could find enough peace to believe that Cody heard her when she spoke to him. Glad and something else he had a hard time admitting even to himself. Jealous.
He longed to reach the place Lisa had, but she seemed to have found peace in knowing their son was in God’s hands and that she’d see him again someday. Joe always thought it was something he believed, but when faced with the reality of death, his belief disintegrated. He’d give anything to have it back so he could close his eyes and picture his son in heaven.
Squeezing his eyes shut, Joe tried to imagine Cody happy in heaven, playing ball, swimming with the whales…seated at the feet of Jesus.
Nothing happened.
Panicked he tried again, needing to conjure his son’s smiling face, to hear Cody’s voice asking Joe to come throw the ball with him or to look at the picture he’d just finished.
He couldn’t see him, couldn’t hear him, and a quiet desperation seized him. He needed to remember every detail of every moment he’d had with his son.
Feeling hot moisture behind his eyes, Joe pressed his fists against his face until the dampness disappeared.
When he looked up, his gaze fell on the closet doors. He remembered the sweatshirt Lisa had been studying when he’d come out of the shower. With a sudden need to see his son’s artwork again, Joe was at the closet door in two long strides and had his hand in Lisa’s suitcase before he could even think about what he was doing.
When he pulled out Cody’s shirt, the small package Lisa had wrapped in it fell to the floor with a soft clink. Eager to see Cody’s artwork, Joe ignored the package.
Placing the shirt on the bed, Joe smoothed it out with one hand and remembered how incredibly motivated Lisa had been to do whatever she could to encourage their son with his creative streak.
What did you ever do?
Joe shoved the awful thought away and fell to his knees, tracing his finger over the whale his little boy had drawn. He squeezed his eyes shut and
swallowed hard. When he opened them again, he ran his hand over the replication of the sea floor and the black and white whale swimming above it. So much detail for such a little guy. Why hadn’t he encouraged him more? He could have spent more time with his son. Now he’d never get another chance.
“Cody,” Joe whispered. “Buddy, I’m sorry.” He buried his face in the shirt, drinking in the little boy scent lingering there.
In that instant, Joe could picture his son happy and smiling. He could even hear the enthusiasm in Cody’s voice whenever he’d talk about their upcoming trip.
Without even thinking about it, Joe returned to the closet and grabbed Lisa’s sweatshirt. The one that matched Cody’s. It, too, held a faint but unmistakable scent. Citrus. He rubbed it against his cheek.
Lisa. Cody. The two people he loved most in the world. He’d let them down. He couldn’t undo it, but he could go to Lisa now. He knew her. The shirt with Cody’s artwork meant the world to her. If he’d have agreed to go with her, she probably would have suggested taking Cody’s shirt so they could feel close to him while they watched the whales.
“Please, Lord, don’t let me be too late.” Joe grabbed Cody’s sweatshirt off the bed and was out the door and halfway to the elevator when he realized what he’d just done. Had he really acknowledged God as if He was right here with him?
Admitting God was present was tantamount to acknowledging his own shortcomings as a father. Joe didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to face the truth. It was far easier to tell himself God abandoned him when He let Cody die, didn’t care about him, that He never cared about him.
But if he convinced himself of this then he didn’t deserve God’s love and the privilege of praying after the way he’d let God down. He’d been entrusted with two lives: Cody and Lisa’s. And look what a mess that had become.
The revelation of what he was doing—talking to God, and the acknowledgment of what he’d been doing—denying the Lord because of his own guilt, nearly drove him to his knees. If he’d been in his room instead of an open corridor full of people, that’s exactly what he would have done.
Could he really let his guilt outweigh what he knew of the Lord? He didn’t want to anymore. But he wasn’t sure he was strong enough not to fall back into it. He didn’t have to be. Suddenly he wanted to see Lisa. If he shared this with her, she would be his strength and support. She would help him through it.
Like he helped her? The guilt tore at him. How could he expect something from her when he hadn’t given her the same thing when she needed it?
Well, she still needed it, and he intended to make it up to her, starting right now. He looked down at the shirt in his hand. Renewed determination and heart drove him toward the elevator.
“OK, Lord, if you’re there, make sure I get this shirt to Lisa in time.”
8
When Lisa reached the fringes of the crowd, one thing became unsettlingly clear. She’d have to fight her way through the crowd to see the whales since she wasn’t tall enough to see from this vantage point.
“Excuse me,” she said to an overly tall but friendly looking bald man. He smiled and stepped to the right to provide an opening for her.
“Thank you.” She returned the smile and made her way toward the rail. But there was still an unbelievable sea of people ahead of her. Just when she thought she was making progress, the crowd let out a collective moan and quickly pushed their way past her.
As she reached the rail, Lisa could see nothing but dense fog. “What? No!” The mist she’d seen earlier had thickened to a gray wall of vapor that now covered the sky, the blue water, and her precious whales.
“Why, Lord? Why did you bring me here, let me find this spot, only to be disappointed? Don’t I deserve something good to happen? Especially knowing it will help me feel closer to my son?” Grief buckled her knees.
“Lady, are you OK?” Strong arms caught her as she stumbled then just as quickly righted her.
Lisa looked into the face of the tall bald man she’d seen earlier. “I’m, um, fine. Thank you.”
“I don’t know. You don’t look so good.”
“I’m OK, really. Thank you.”
“Why don’t you sit down over here?” He led her to the stairwell, and she sat on one of the steps. “Are you sure I can’t get something for you? Maybe call someone?”
“No.” The only person she could think of wouldn’t care anyway. She swallowed hard and tried to look perky. “Thank you, though.”
Sitting there, on the cold steps, Lisa had the vague thought that she should go back to the room. But she couldn’t get up. Rooted to the spot, she clung to the hope that the fog would lift and the whales would still be there. She feared if they were gone, her last link to her son would be gone as well. Absurd, she knew. But logic didn’t dictate emotions.
For a few moments today, she’d felt closer to Joe than she had in a long time. Had she only imagined it? Because now, they were further apart than they’d been throughout the past couple of months.
She’d always clung to the hope that as long as she and Joe were still married, things would eventually work out. Now she wasn’t so sure. And even if he finally did come home, things between them would never go back to the way they were, no matter how much she wanted them to.
Eventually she went back to stand at the rail, but when the fog lifted, the whales were gone—and they had taken her hope with them.
This pain would never diminish, not hers and not Joe’s. They would never reconcile. Why hadn’t she seen before that it would never happen?
All the hope, all the enthusiasm, dissipated from her soul.
The pain…how much longer could she endure it?
The fog rolled back in, and, when the rain began to fall, so did her tears.
****
When Joe stepped off the elevator on the Skygazer deck, the salt air tickled his nose, filling him with hope and anticipation. He searched for Lisa, but she wasn’t in the immediate vicinity. In fact, there weren’t many people around at all. The twinge of disappointment surprised him. How could the mere thought of seeing the whales with Lisa evoke feelings he didn’t think he’d ever feel again?
Is it You, Lord? Are You here with me?
While hope tried to break through, those cynical thoughts of God abandoning him crept back in. It sickened him as he realized he’d spent a good amount of the last several months feeling forsaken. It would be hard work to keep those kinds of destructive thoughts at bay.
As Joe approached the ship’s rail, he noticed the deck was wet. It had been raining. No wonder there was such a lack of people milling about the large deck. The color of dirty gray snow, fog blanketed the water and filled the sky. In some spots though, it seemed the sun tried to shine through. Joe squinted against the brightness, knowing he’d missed the whales. If there were whales to be seen, they were hidden in the thickness.
Immediate sadness stung his heart. In his disappointment, he found himself hoping Lisa had been able to see them. He didn’t know which disappointed him more. Not seeing the whales at all or not seeing them with Lisa. Perhaps—he looked down at the shirt he held in his left hand—it was not being able to offer her this token and to see her face when he said, “I understand.”
Could he really say those words to her and face the hope he’d see in her eyes? He wasn’t sure. But just the fact that he was thinking about this proved the Lord was still working in him, really working in him. So what was he going to do about it?
Baffled by the depths of his feelings, Joe realized he had a lot of truths to face about himself. For Lisa’s sake, he needed to do it now.
Stopping to look around, Joe realized he’d circled the entire deck and hadn’t yet seen her. She was nowhere in sight. They’d probably passed each other and hadn’t even realized it. He headed to the cabin, hoping she’d gone back there.
Half an hour after Joe arrived back at the cabin, Lisa still hadn’t shown up. He’d paced the floor more times than he cou
ld count.
Darkness was descending, and the temperature would drop.
Wherever she was, Lisa had to be freezing. What if she’d fallen overboard?
Oh, dear Lord, no. The thought made him feel ill.
Unable to sit and wait, Joe left the cabin and headed back toward the elevator.
He deliberated whether or not he should find one of the stewards. Or he could pull one of the panic alarms. No. He’d find a steward first. Maybe something happened to her and the ship’s crew knew about it. They probably tried to notify him while he was out looking for her.
Never one to panic, Joe realized he was doing just that, and it came close to knocking him for a loop.
The elevator arrived with a ding and opened with a quiet swoosh. Joe stepped forward, and a young boy with tousled sandy colored hair rushed past him to smash the buttons on the elevator panel then turned to Joe. “We’re going up.”
“Brandon, calm down.”
“But we have to hurry, Dad. She’s ’consolable.”
“You mean inconsolable?”
“Yeah. I heard Mom say that one time. She told me it means when you’re so sad your heart might break. I hope her heart doesn’t break, Dad.”
Anxiously, the boy slapped at the buttons again.
“Brandon, settle down, son.” The man offered Joe a smile as if to apologize for his son’s behavior.
Joe’s heart gave a little squeeze. Had he ever acted embarrassed by something Cody did or said? He didn’t think so, but suddenly he couldn’t be sure. How he wished he could remember every minute he’d ever had with his son.
“Come on. Come on. Come on!” Brandon poked at the buttons again.
Brandon’s dad aimed another longsuffering sigh in Joe’s direction, before he reached down and took his son by the hand. Brandon shrugged out of his father’s grip.
“Daa-ad. The lady. We have to hurry. I think she’s sad cuz she missed the whales.”
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