“Just the way I’m always sad that I don’t got my mom no more.” He looked up at her with those wide blue eyes, and Lisa fought to control her tears. Off in the distance, she heard Chad clear his throat. That explained why the two of them were on a cruise ship alone. It also explained why Brandon had attached himself to Lisa.
She knelt down. “Come here, honey.” She pulled Brandon close and held him tight, reveling that her arms were filled with the warmth and goodness of once again holding a sweaty little boy.
Brandon hugged her back for a minute before he squirmed to get away.
“We both needed that,” she whispered in his ear before letting him go.
“Maybe my mom knows him,” Brandon said quietly. “Cody, I mean. Maybe she’ll even make a birthday cake for him. They might be friends in heaven.”
“I’ll bet they are, sweetie. In fact, I’m positive of it. You and I are friends now, so it only makes sense that they would be friends, too.”
Brandon scrubbed the back of his hands across his eyes. Then he looked away as if embarrassed to be caught with tears in his eyes.
Lisa stood as Brandon ran over to his father. Chad stood with Joe, and both men looked uncomfortable. Chad was tucking a handkerchief into his pocket. “Sorry about that.” Chad avoided her gaze and patted Brandon on the top of his head. “We need to go get ready for dinner.”
Lisa nodded and waved at Brandon. He appeared so upset she offered him a smile of reassurance.
While father and son walked toward the elevator, she forced her smile to stay in place as long as possible. Brandon was almost out of sight when the smile gave way to tears. She turned her back so Joe wouldn’t see, not wanting him to feel uncomfortable and see her as weak and needy. He must have sensed her need though. In a breath, his hand touched her shoulder. A second later he turned her to face him and drew her into his arms.
****
As they headed back to the cabin to dress for dinner, Lisa tried to muster some excitement. But her encounter with Brandon left her emotionally worn out. Joe went into the bathroom to get ready for dinner first, and Lisa sat on the bottom bunk to wait for him. She worried he might change his mind about dinner.
They had broken fragile ground today, and she couldn’t help but worry that he might regret the things they’d talked about.
She didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep until Joe gently shook her and told her it was her turn to get ready. She blinked and scrubbed her hand across her eyes. She couldn’t really be awake.
Clean shaven with his still damp hair freshly combed, Joe looked like he’d stepped out of one of her dreams. One where she dreamed that nothing in their life had changed. He looked more relaxed than she’d seen him in months, and he had a gentle smile on his face. Proof he looked forward to their dinner together.
“Lisa?”
She couldn’t seem to take her eyes off the dab of shaving cream he’d missed. Just a smear. High up on his cheekbone. Should she dab it off?
Wow. Twelve dozen nerves descended on her, making her mouth freeze and the words stick in her throat. Her knees almost knocked together. She’d better leave well enough alone. He would probably misinterpret the action and run scared, and she didn’t want to push her luck.
“Lisa?” Joe repeated himself and as she stared at him, his smile disappeared. “I don’t know if these are good enough for the dining room.”
Lisa realized he thought she was judging his clothing.
“No, Joe. You look great. I don’t think you have to be dressed in a tux to eat there. Jessica told me it was nice, but not formal. I’m sure she wouldn’t tell me that if it wasn’t true.”
“I don’t even have a suit jacket with me.”
“I’m sure it’s fine. If not, we’ll just leave.” She offered him a wide smile, trying to reassure him. It wasn’t hard to smile, given she would be dining with her husband.
“You’d better get ready.” He gestured toward the door.
“Oh, yeah.” She tore her gaze from his face and headed to the closet to grab her dress. What would Joe think when he saw her in it? Would his reaction be anything like hers had just been?
Please, Lord, let it bring back good memories for him.
****
What was taking her so long?
Looking at his watch for the sixth time in as many minutes, Joe tapped his foot impatiently. It had been over fifteen minutes since Lisa went into the bathroom to dress for dinner. Not that he was in any big hurry to go eat in a dining room with a bunch of strangers. He just didn’t like waiting.
“Joe?” Her voice was soft, almost timid. When he turned from the window, he knew why.
Wow.
Her dress, a tiny little thing in a dark blue velvety fabric, hugged her in all the right places and highlighted the blue of her eyes. It reminded him of one of the happiest times in his life. Their wedding night when Lisa had first worn that dress.
Once again the thought ran through his mind that she’d come here in order to try to talk him into going home. He quickly dismissed it. She really hadn’t been doing anything to push him in that direction. So then why was she wearing this particular dress tonight? More curiously, why had she even brought it along?
“Lisa.” Great. He sounded breathless, like an awkward teenager on his first date. Hopefully she hadn’t noticed. “You look gorgeous.”
A shy look washed over her features as Joe stood staring like an idiot. For a split second, he wanted to turn and run. But he couldn’t do that to her. He’d already hurt her enough. In ways he could never atone for.
Trapped, he smoothed the front of his shirt. “Are you…um, sure this is OK for the dining room?”
Lisa laughed. “I already told you, you look perfect. Anyway, isn’t it the woman who is supposed to ask those questions? Next you’ll be asking me if you look fat.” She laughed again.
It had been far too long since Joe heard that sound, and he loved it. He could listen to it forever. He hoped he’d be able to hear it again at dinner in a romantic setting—after all this time. Especially with Lisa wearing that dress?
The nerves started dancing in his stomach again.
“Well.” Joe reached for the doorknob, and they stared at each other awkwardly. “Let’s go.”
Unable to help himself, he put his hand on Lisa’s back as they headed toward the elevator. Warmth suffused him, and he blamed it on the dress. It drew him directly into dangerous territory.
Once they stepped into the elevator, he made sure to keep a good three feet between them.
Even three feet away was too close. She smelled too good. She smiled nervously but didn’t say anything.
Following Jessica’s directions, they found the Aurora Borealis dining room on the Tlingit Deck without any trouble. Lisa turned to Joe. “See, I told you it would be fine.”
Looking around, Joe relaxed a little. Plenty of men were dressed just like he was.
“What about me? Does this dress make me look fat?” She laughed again and her blue eyes sparkled. For a quick second the years seemed to melt away. It was almost as if they were dating again—young lovers, happy, their entire lives ahead of them. He longed to kiss her. He searched her face before he reached out and brushed her cheek. Her lips parted and her eyes grew wide.
“Your hair.” He knew he sounded lame, and he made a show of smoothing the curls that caressed her cheek. “We must have encountered some wind between here and our cabin.” He knew full well that hadn’t happened.
“Um, yeah.” She nodded, but the hopeful glimmer in her eyes said that she’d seen right through him. He was deeply drawn to her tonight. Not that a day ever went by when he didn’t think of her, long for her, and wish for a chance to turn back the clock and change things. But tonight was different…and impossible.
He’d do his best to remember and accept that. He didn’t deserve a second chance. Moreover, Lisa deserved not to be burdened by his brokenness.
“Joe, Lisa, over here.”
&n
bsp; Snapped from his wistfulness, Joe followed Lisa to Jessica’s table. Surprisingly, Chad and Brandon were there as well.
“Hi, Miss Lisa.” Brandon’s face lit up.
“Hi, Brandon.” Lisa smiled at the boy, her smile so bright and genuine it rushed from Joe’s head to his heart then to his toes. No wonder the little boy was enamored of her.
The large table was round, and there was a space for two between Jessica and Brandon. Chad sat on the other side of his son. On the opposite side of the table, between Chad and Jessica, sat a guy in his mid-thirties. He nodded a greeting and gave Lisa the once-over. Joe clenched his jaw as he returned the nod.
“Here, Lisa.” Joe pulled out the chair next to Brandon, knowing she’d want to sit by the little boy. He was rewarded with a wide smile, and before he realized what he’d done, he winked at her.
Again, he caught a whiff of whatever she’d showered with. He inhaled and found himself scooting his chair closer to her as he sat.
While Lisa, Jessica, and Brandon exchanged pleasantries, Chad sat in silence and the man across the table looked on expectantly.
In Joe’s estimation, the man could only be described as suave and debonair. But his demeanor was so obviously fake. Joe didn’t like the interested look in the other man’s eye, so he deliberately said nothing.
Apparently uncomfortable, Lisa finally extended her hand across the table. “Hi, I’m Lisa.” Then she speared Joe with a pointed look of chastisement.
He raised one shoulder halfway. Why should he have to introduce her to a shark with a predatory gleam in his eye?
“I’m Darryl. Pleased to meet you.” Darryl held Lisa’s hand a little too long.
“I’m Lisa’s husband, Joe.” In one swift motion, Joe grabbed Lisa’s right hand from Darryl’s and tucked it in his own left hand.
Lisa looked at him in shock, as did Jessica. He was surprised himself, but not displeased. Lisa’s hand was where it should be—clasped in his, not some smarmy stranger’s.
14
After the waiter finished pouring water for Lisa and Joe, everyone placed their order. Joe eyed Darryl to make sure he focused his attention somewhere other than on Lisa. Chad fussed with Brandon over something. Lisa and Jessica chatted about Jessica’s day in Ketchikan.
“Miss Jessica, Miss Jessica!” Brandon tugged on Jessica’s sleeve, eager to get her attention. When she and Lisa stopped talking, he burst in to the conversation. “I get to go on a seaplane tomorrow. Miss Lisa and Mr. Joe are coming, too.”
“Are they?”
Joe detected a hint of interest in Jessica’s response.
“Hey!” Brandon’s face lit up. “Why don’t you come with us?”
“That would be kind of fun, Brandon.” Jessica beamed and nodded. “A real adventure. I need more adventure in my life.”
Joe smiled. After living all these years on a farm in a small town in Washington, Jessica decided she needed adventure. While he pondered that, he became aware of the music playing in the background just as it changed to a melody he and Lisa always considered “theirs.” A fierce wave of longing struck him, and he could barely swallow. They’d played the tune at their wedding, and they’d danced to it on their honeymoon at dinner.
The song, the dress Lisa wore, the tulips she’d bought yesterday and put in the cabin…Again, he had to wonder if Lisa had set up this whole thing, if she’d tricked him into rehashing memories.
No. Joe shook the thought from his mind. He’d been with Lisa since long before they entered the dining room, and she’d never left the table. Besides, Jessica was the one who’d invited them to dinner. And Lisa surely hadn’t planned what happened yesterday with the whales and her despair over missing them. It was a coincidence. Nothing more. Lisa didn’t have a deceitful bone in her body.
Just as the singer asked if they could share a life’s worth of dances, a deep voice startled Joe out of his thoughts.
“Excuse me. Would you care to dance?”
Joe looked up to see Darryl bending over Lisa’s hand. It looked like he was preparing to kiss it. The urge to plant his fist in the guy’s face was strong—overwhelming.
It didn’t escape his notice that Jessica looked on with interest.
Lisa gently pulled her hand from Darryl’s, glancing over at Joe at the same time. Much as he wanted to deck Darryl, he didn’t want to come across as jealous. Especially after he’d grabbed her hand from Darryl’s earlier, and certainly not after he’d been pushing her away for months. “It’s fine, Lisa.” He nodded slowly, heartsick. “Go ahead and dance with him.”
Lisa’s eyes widened and he thought he detected a look of disgust as she turned from him to gaze up at Darryl. Joe’s heart seemed to freeze in mid-beat, and he held his breath while he waited for Lisa to answer Darryl.
“I’m sorry.” She politely declined, and Joe’s heart started to beat again. “Thank you, though.”
There was no hint of disgust in her voice, which told Joe the look had been meant solely for him.
Silence reigned at the table as Darryl walked away. Most likely to find some other guy’s wife to dance with. Though Joe’s thoughts were cynical, the relief that coursed through him was unmistakable.
Jessica studied them both intently, her gaze never wavering. Though it hadn’t taken long for Joe to feel a fondness for her, right now he wished she’d disappear. It didn’t make matters easier when Chad and Brandon stared at him. He wished they’d disappear as well. Did everyone here know their business? It became clear they were neither leaving nor looking away from what he wanted to be a private moment.
He very much wanted to talk to Lisa alone.
Darryl chose that moment to return and take his place at the table.
“If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to powder my nose.”
Darryl and Chad both half-rose from their chairs the instant Lisa stood. Before Joe could stand himself, she was gone.
“Don’t worry, Joe.” Jessica reached over and squeezed his hand. “Things will be fine.” Jessica spoke in a reassuring voice, her tone low so the others wouldn’t hear.
“No, Jessica. They won’t. My son is gone. Lisa’s heart is breaking all over again. Nothing will ever be fine again.”
Joe pulled his hand from Jessica’s and pressed his lips together. His marriage was in shambles. Lisa’s heart was broken. His heart ached all the time. They each carried around a burden of guilt neither one of them knew how to erase. He was so sick of people saying everything would be OK. He’d heard it so many times in the past several months he hoped never to hear it again.
Still, as he watched Jessica’s expression change from encouragement to distress, he realized he’d upset her. She’d meant well, as did everyone else who offered him words of hope. “I’m sorry, Jessica. I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I’m just so…I don’t know…tired, I guess. Tired of waiting to get over it.” A dull ache filled his heart and he avoided Jessica’s eye.
“You’re right, Joe. That isn’t what I meant. You will never forget that boy, and you’ll always hurt over losing him. But your life won’t be this hopeless and dark forever.”
“I tried, Jessica, but it didn’t work very well.”
“What do you mean?”
“Lisa refused to go to Ketchikan this morning.”
“Yes, but she ate breakfast with you on the balcony. And she’s here with you tonight. Didn’t she agree to go to Juneau tomorrow? I think you’re doing just fine.”
“Yeah, but she’s in the bathroom crying right now.” It didn’t escape his notice that Brandon, Chad, and even Darryl—the last person he wanted to know his business—stared intently.
“That isn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it is.”
Jessica opened her mouth to protest then seemed to think better of it. She took a sip of water and looked him square in the eye. “OK, maybe it is. You shouldn’t have—” She cast a glance around the table. Chad and Darryl both picked up their water glasses and avoided her gaze. Jessica
lowered her voice to a whisper. “You shouldn’t have told Lisa it was all right for her to dance with a strange man.”
“You’re right, I shouldn’t have. I’m not even sure why I did it. I don’t know what to do anymore. All I know is I’ve upset her even more.”
Jessica sighed and rose from the table. “Come on, Joe. Let’s go for a little walk.” She waited while Joe stood, then she took hold of his elbow.
Before he followed her out of the dining room, Joe turned and said good night to Brandon and Chad. And much as he still didn’t want to, to Darryl.
Once they were well away from the dining room, Jessica steered them to an empty bench along the passageway.
“Look,” she said once they were seated. “Lisa is going to cry now and again. Maybe even for the rest of her life. You are, too. If you’d let yourself feel.”
Joe looked away, not wanting Jessica to know how much he tried not to feel.
“You know, whether you want to admit it or not, you’re trying to help Lisa. And she’s trying to help you. But neither of you can see that by helping each other, you’re also helping yourselves.”
“Helping myself, how?” That made no sense.
“You’ve put yourself out on a limb to help Lisa. You’d rather hide yourself away from the world. But you see Lisa’s need, so you’re trying to make her feel better. You can’t sit there and tell me you don’t feel better, too.”
“I don’t,” he said quickly.
Jessica peered at him over her glasses. “Not in the least? Be honest with yourself even if you won’t be honest with me.”
OK, he admitted to himself. Maybe he did feel a little better. Jessica must have seen something on his face, because a slow smile spread across hers.
“See? It’s the Lord. He’s calling you. You may not even be aware of it, but He’s seeking you. By helping Lisa, you’re digging yourself out of that deep dark place and seeing a little bit of light. The same thing is happening to her. You mark my words, Joe. By the end of this cruise, neither of you will be the same again.”
True North Page 14