“Lisa,” he whispered raggedly. His eyes still held traces of tears and emotion as he tilted his face to hers and lightly caressed her lips with his own. The welcome, familiar warmth of his lips against hers left her weak in the knees, and she leaned into him.
Her heart swelled with love for this man who was so hurt he’d isolated himself from her for so long. This man—her husband. She longed to pull his head closer, to entwine her fingers through his hair, to deepen the kiss. But she held back, uncertain.
As much as her heart soared from the gentle touch of his lips on hers, she didn’t know if it was a kiss of gratitude or a kiss from a man who wanted to rekindle a relationship with his wife. What did it mean?
Pondering these things, hesitant, Lisa was surprised to feel the warmth of Joe’s hand claiming hers. Elated, she let him lead her back to their cabin, her pulse pounding, hope soaring.
****
Joe fumbled for the key card with one hand while holding Lisa tight with his other. She belonged in his arms, at his side. This was home. This was where he belonged. Not just for tonight, for a brief moment, but forever. He pushed the door open and reached in for the light, reluctant to let go of her even for a moment.
Shyly, Lisa looked up at him. “Joe, shall I put on some music?” A wash of bright pink color spread across her cheeks.
“OK.” He let go of her briefly while she pulled out her cell phone and accessed the music application. The music wasn’t in stereo, but the tune and the vocalist were clear enough.
An old song, but their song nonetheless.
He held his arms open and breathed in slowly, deeply, when she stepped into them. She belonged in his arms. He breathed in the scent of her soap and shampoo, and it assailed his senses. It was as if he’d stepped into a place that could only be found in his dreams…a place he didn’t deserve to be. Holding her was like a balm to his battered heart. If only he could forget for five minutes that he didn’t deserve to hold her, to savor her.
The rhythm of the music, the warmth of her body pressed against his, the gentle motion of the boat—it was easy to get lost in all of it.
Joe rested his cheek against the top of Lisa’s head, his arms wrapped around her shoulders, hers around his waist.
It took him back to happier times, the happiest of his life—their wedding night.
What had happened to those two innocent youths with nothing ahead of them but love?
Lisa sighed and snuggled closer. Savoring the moment, Joe was caught off guard when she tilted her head up to rub her cheek against his.
Before he even realized it, he was kissing her. Time fell away, and they really were two innocent people on their honeymoon, with their lives ahead of them. How easy it would be to give in to the feeling, to forget. Maybe then he could forgive himself. But he couldn’t. He didn’t deserve to forget, and he certainly didn’t deserve forgiveness.
Abruptly he stepped back, frightened to realize how close he really had come to forgetting Cody. He couldn’t afford to lower his guard again.
One look at the pain slicing through Lisa’s eyes and across her face, and his defensive guard was back. Joe looked toward the door, wanting to dash through it.
“It’s OK, Joe. I understand. You can go now.”
For a split second, Joe actually considered it. But he didn’t have the energy to sit in a lounge or bar and listen to the noise or make small talk with strangers. And it was way too chilly to sit out on one of the outside decks.
Feeling like a fool, he sank into the chair nearest the bunk beds and closed his eyes. Opening them again, he let his gaze rest on Lisa, and he sighed. “We can’t do that again, Lisa. I can’t—” He broke off. There were so many words in his heart, words of love and words of doubt. He wasn’t sure which ones were the right ones to say. Some would hurt her, and some might give her hope for their relationship. He didn’t want to do either.
Resting his elbows on his knees, Joe buried his face in his hands. He needed to think. He really had to get a hold of himself before it was too late. If he wasn’t careful, he’d be back with Lisa, and Cody’s memory would fade away as they made new memories. He couldn’t let that happen. He didn’t deserve to be happy any more than his son deserved to be dead.
If only he could turn back the clock—redo the last few years, be a better father, a better husband—would Cody be here with them now? If only. He would give anything if he could make that happen. But he couldn’t. One thing Joe had learned: life was so unfair.
He would never again have the chance to be a better father.
But he did have the chance to be a better husband. Lisa would welcome him with open arms. But if he did go back home with her how long would it be before he started working late, putting his work ahead of her, and neglecting her? Wanting to change wasn’t enough, and he was too emotionally beat to put out the effort.
****
Joe wasn’t sure how long he sat on the chair thinking about things, but when he got up to stretch his muscles, he discovered he was alone. He’d been so self-absorbed that Lisa had slipped out without him even noticing.
She was trying to give him space. She was thoughtful that way. It was one of the things he loved about her, her innate sense of what others needed. Even if it meant sitting outside in the cold. The realization propelled him toward the door. Lisa wouldn’t set foot in a lounge or a bar. Not even if the alternative was to freeze.
Joe hoped she’d brought her jacket this time. He wasn’t up for a repeat of last night, and she wasn’t either. Just in case, he went back and grabbed her sweatshirt from the back of the chair where she’d dropped it when they’d returned earlier.
He went straight to the Skygazer Deck. Lisa wouldn’t have gone anywhere else.
Other than Lisa, the deck was deserted. But rather than sit in one of the lounge chairs, she sat on the cold deck itself, close to the railing.
Twilight with the glaciers in the background was a sight to behold. But Joe only had eyes for Lisa as she sat there looking alone, lost, and vulnerable. He could see the naked pain on her face as she continued to stare out at the water.
Joe knew Lisa almost as well as he knew himself, and he was willing to bet she didn’t see any of the breathtaking scenery. She was dwelling on him, them, and what had almost happened. What she wanted to happen.
She was trying to save their marriage. He knew her belief system, what she thought and felt. He wasn’t misreading her signals. But it couldn’t happen. As much as he loved her, as much as he wanted them to be together forever, he now understood they could never go back. He would always be broken. He had to get out of her life so she could start over.
As he stepped closer, Lisa shivered. Guilt sliced through him, and he was at her side in an instant. He touched her shoulder; her skin was like ice. He tugged the sweatshirt down over her head and helped her slip her arms into the sleeves. Then he helped her to her feet and pulled her close. She went into his arms willingly, and he didn’t think about anything but Lisa and helping her get warm.
In silence, she let him lead her to their cabin, and as they walked through the door, he was relieved that her teeth were no longer chattering.
He sat her on the bed and pulled off her shoes. After removing his, he sat next to her. Pulling her close, he lay back against the pillows and wrapped the blankets around them. She started to relax as the warmth took hold, and soon she was asleep. He pressed a kiss to her head, letting his lips linger a moment too long. Holding her in his arms was so right, so perfect. He closed his eyes, savoring the feel of her.
He’d hold her close tonight and memorize every detail of her so he could remember it forever.
16
Lisa awoke in a cocoon of warmth and love. Wrapped in Joe’s arms, her head on his chest, she listened to the rhythmic beat of his heart. She sighed, feeling content, and let her eyes drift shut.
She’d spent the night in Joe’s arms—someplace she’d feared she’d never be again.
Somethin
g happened last night. Something big that signified a change in Joe. He was turning back to the Lord, and he’d eventually come home to her. That she was here in his arms proved it. He may not be willing to accept it now, but he wouldn’t be able to deny forever that he loved her.
Missing the whales had been a low point for Lisa, but Joe’s seeking her out and bringing her back to the room…his taking care of her that night, then spending the entire next day and night with her…She had hope again. Faith. Faith in him, faith in them.
They would survive this extremely painful low point in their lives. And while the future may not be better than what they’d had before—nothing could be better than when they’d had Cody in their lives—they would be together, and they would find a reason to smile again. The knowledge washed over her in waves, and a sense of rightness rushed in.
Thank You, Lord, for being here with us, for blessing us and our marriage. Thank You that Joe is opening up to me. I pray that when this trip is over, he’ll come home with me again.
****
Joe awoke with a feeling of dread clutching his heart. He’d only meant to hold Lisa for a little while, just until she’d fallen asleep. Then he wanted to hold her just a little while longer, until he was ready to let go. But he’d fallen asleep himself and slept quite soundly for the first time since the accident.
Not wanting to stop and ponder the meaning in that, he gently eased Lisa out of his arms then climbed out of bed. When she didn’t stir, he had to wonder if she was awake. That possibility was the only thing that kept him from leaning over and kissing her forehead.
Walk away now, his gut screamed. Just because she seemed peaceful and content now, didn’t mean everything would be OK. The heartache he caused her would never end, and he couldn’t—wouldn’t—put her through any more pain.
To let her think anything different would be cruel. Joe had to distance himself now before any more damage was done to her heart. He could renew his walk with the Lord without renewing his relationship with her, couldn’t he?
He studied her for a moment, wanting to commit her peaceful expression to memory. She still wore the sweatshirt they’d both cried over last night, pulled over the blue dress she’d worn to dinner. He didn’t claim to know a lot about women, but he knew they valued comfort. He didn’t see how Lisa could possibly be comfortable.
And yet she slept.
Hair tousled around her face, cheeks pink, it took a strength Joe didn’t know he had in order to walk away. Before he could change his mind, he grabbed his shaving kit and headed into the bathroom.
Sadness twinged his soul as he showered and shaved. Somehow, he had to get through the day without being drawn closer to Lisa. Today, they would take Brandon and Chad on the seaplane, and while he’d been so excited about it before, now all he could think about was how good it felt to hold Lisa in his arms. The comfort she offered…he wanted more of it.
Somehow, he’d have to find the strength to do what was right. With so many other people around, it should be easy enough to distance himself from her. At least, that’s what he thought until his eye caught the neat little row of Lisa’s personal care items lined up on the bathroom counter. He picked up a bottle that said something about soft and manageable curls and sniffed. It smelled like her. Setting it back in place next to all of the other containers, Joe studied each of them. What would happen after their day in Juneau was over? Their cabin on this ship certainly wasn’t big enough to allow him any distance.
****
After Lisa showered and dressed, she came out of the bathroom to find Joe typing away at his computer. Seeing him so focused on the computer screen gave her a momentary sense of panic. Had he changed his mind? No. It was her nerves talking, trying to take her focus off of the plane ride. But no matter what, she was going. She’d much rather risk her life on the seaplane than risk losing Joe all over again.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
Joe looked up at her and smiled, and her worries drained away. This was not the smile of a man who was shutting back down.
“Just checking my e-mail.”
“E-mail? How can you check your e-mail? I don’t even have cell phone reception.”
“My carrier is better than yours?”
Now it was Lisa’s turn to smile. She couldn’t help it. Joe was teasing her. It was almost like old times.
“You know Mike. He always keeps us up on the latest technology.” He explained how the connection would work from almost any location.
“Can I use it to send Rose an e-mail? I’ve tried a couple of times to call her but, as I said, I have no reception.”
“Sure. But can it wait until tonight?” Joe shut the laptop and gave her a wide, enthusiastic smile. “Don’t we have somewhere to be?”
“Right.” Lisa slapped her forehead and tried to use humor to cover the nerves that just descended upon her. “The seaplane. How could I forget?”
Joe grabbed their jackets and held the door open for her. “I received an e-mail from Mike’s secretary, Jennifer.”
Cody’s Sunday school teacher.
Lisa’s breath caught in her throat.
“She told me about something that happened at church on Sunday morning.” Joe gestured toward the door with a smile that could have earned him a spot on a toothpaste commercial. Curious, Lisa followed his lead toward the elevator.
“They had a special visitor at church,” he said. “It was Rose.”
“Rose? Really?”
Joe nodded and tears filled Lisa’s eyes as she absorbed this information. Rose went to church. That meant her friend had been listening, even when she pretended otherwise. First Joe, and now Rose.
Miracles were happening all around her.
****
As they approached the docks where the brightly colored seaplanes were lined up in neat little rows of red, yellow, and blue, Lisa gulped. The cold chill indicated that her nerves kicked up a notch, and she shivered.
An engine roared to life as one of the planes prepared to take off. It sounded like a bucket of bolts trying to rattle loose. Lisa had visions of it falling out of the sky. A death trap if there ever was one. She didn’t want to be in one when it decided to break apart and scatter all over the landscape.
“I—I—” Her knees turned to jelly, and she couldn’t move her feet no matter how hard she tried. “Joe, I don’t think—why don’t you all go without me.”
“But, Miss Lisa,” Brandon wailed in protest. “You were going to sit by me.”
“I don’t think I can get on that thing.” Much as she tried to keep the fear from her voice, she couldn’t.
“It’ll be fun.” Though Brandon’s smile was usually infectious, today it really didn’t help Lisa feel any better.
“Yeah, it’ll be fun.” Joe’s sweet-talking soft tone was one that sent shivers up her neck. He was trying to manipulate her, but it wouldn’t work. He pointed to a wooden bench just off the sidewalk.
“Look, why don’t you and Brandon sit here while we wait for Jessica. Chad and I are going to step over here and have a little chat.”
Lisa watched with interest as Chad and Joe walked to the edge of the first dock, her nerves temporarily forgotten. They weren’t facing her, but she could tell their conversation was intense.
“What do you think they’re talking about?” Brandon asked.
“I don’t know, honey. Probably something about the plane ride.”
“Do you think my dad is going to change his mind, and I won’t get to go?” His blue eyes were wide, his brow furrowed. He was much too young to wrinkle his forehead like that.
She kissed Brandon’s forehead and smoothed her thumbs across his brow. “Don’t you worry one little bit, Brandon. We’re going on that plane.”
“We certainly are.” Jessica approached wearing blue jeans, a bright red sweatshirt, and a huge smile. “What are we waiting for?”
“We were starting to worry about you,” Lisa told her.
“Not
me, Miss Jessica. I knew you’d be here!”
Jessica smiled at Brandon with so much love, Lisa found herself wondering what it must be like for such a loving woman to have never had children. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I just got lost in the shuffle. Now what’s taking those guys so long?”
“My dad and Mr. Joe are having a little chat.” Brandon said it in almost the exact tone Joe had, and Lisa had to smother a laugh.
Jessica gave her a questioning glance over the top of Brandon’s head, but Lisa just shrugged.
“What’s ‘the shuffle’?”
This time Lisa did laugh while Jessica explained to Brandon about the crowd.
Chad and Joe slowly walked back, looking serious. Too serious. What had just transpired? She tensed as they approached, worried that Chad was furious and would take Brandon back to the boat.
“Let’s go.” Joe spoke quietly. “We have a seaplane to catch.”
Lisa was so relieved for Brandon she almost forgot her nerves. Until she stepped onto the wooden dock and caught a strong whiff of fuel.
The sound of a blue seaplane leaving the dock vibrated up through the wood beams and the fuel smell was even stronger. She could see Joe’s mouth moving but couldn’t hear.
“What?”
“That’s our plane over there.” Joe shouted and pointed at the red plane parked at the end of the dock.
“Thanks for pointing that out,” she said wryly as they approached the bucket of bolts. She slowed her pace, dragging her heels like a captive walking the plank off the end of a pirate ship.
Brandon grabbed her hand in a sudden movement as if he knew her thoughts. “My dad said we might get to see the whales today.” Brandon beamed and his eyes sparkled with hope.
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