“Joe, I wasn’t paying attention that day. Yes, Rose’s husband ran the red light. There’s no question about that. But I was upset, and in a rush to get to the game. The instant the light turned green, I hit the gas.” She stopped and took a deep breath. “I hate myself.” The bitterness shocked her and drained her even further. There was so much more to tell him, she wasn’t sure where she’d get the strength.
“Lisa.” Joe spoke gently. “Don’t do this to yourself.”
The edge of the bed dipped and creaked as Joe sat on it. He touched her back, his fingers light and warm. Still, she continued to face the wall.
“I don’t hate you,” Joe said after a while. “I’m not so sure I hate myself, either. I thought I did, but…talking with God again…I just don’t think I do.”
“There’s more, though, Joe.” Lisa swallowed hard and wished she could call the words back. Joe remained silent, merely waiting for her to continue. Lisa was so scared of what his reaction would be after she told him, that she could hear the blood pounding through her veins.
She pressed her hand to abdomen. Telling him would be so hard. “It’s about that last weekend we spent together,” she whispered.
“Your birthday?”
“I should have told you, but when you stopped coming home—”
“I’m sorry, Lisa.”
Still facing the wall, Lisa nodded. “I am, too. If I had known, I would have taken better care of myself.” Tears burned her eyes and spilled down her face. Guilt churned deep within.
Behind her, Joe sucked in a sharp breath and pulled his hand from her back. “Lisa, were you…did we make a baby that weekend?”
Lisa bit her lip and tried to hold back the sobs, but they overcame her, and she couldn’t answer. Joe’s arms were around her then, his legs beside hers. He stretched out then pulled her close. Feelings swirled around her, and if not for the guilt, she would have reveled in them.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His gentle, concerned tone brushed against her heart, and she was warmed by the fact that it wasn’t accusatory.
“By the time I knew for sure, you’d already stopped coming home. I didn’t want it to be the reason you came back to me.”
“Aw, Lisa.” He gently turned her in his arms and pressed his forehead to hers. “You went through so much on your own. I’d give anything if I could take it all back.”
His broken whisper tore at her heart, and Lisa squeezed her eyes shut, unable to look at him. “Our baby died, Joe.” A lump of pain squeezed her throat making it difficult to speak. Still, she had to say it. “Because of me. Because I didn’t take care of myself.”
“Lisa, look at me.” His fingers brushed lightly against her cheeks before finding their way under her chin and tilting it up. Hesitantly, she opened her eyes even though tears continued to spill down her face.
There was no mistaking the love in Joe’s eyes as he gazed at her. Tears tracked down his face, too, and he made no move to hide them.
“It’s not your fault.” His voice was hoarse, broken. “Let’s stop blaming ourselves.”
Lisa pressed her face against his chest, and he tightened his hold on her, pulling her close as she let the pain flow from the depths of her soul. When she finished crying, she prayed silently and asked the Lord to lift the guilt from both their hearts.
Hours later, when Lisa woke, Joe slept softly beside her. A quiet peace lifted her soul, warming her heart. If Joe had been awake, she would have rejoiced out loud. This was the peace that vanished from her months ago—the peace she thought she’d lost forever. The peace that let her know the Lord was nearby and that filled up the dark empty spots in her soul.
Could it be because she’d blocked Him out by bottling up her guilt? She’d prayed for Joe, prayed for herself, prayed for peace. But until now, she’d never really given her feelings of guilt to the Lord.
Thank you, Lord. You really are here with me. You didn’t leave me after all.
As she lay in Joe’s arms, Lisa prayed he’d wake up with the same peace flowing through him that she basked in right now.
****
What was happening to him?
After all of the emotion of last night, Joe awoke the next morning feeling renewed and looking forward to the day in Skagway. The sound of the shower running came from inside the small bathroom. Lisa was getting ready for their day trip. He hoped she hadn’t changed her mind. Somehow, he didn’t think she had. In spite of the newfound knowledge that she’d suffered through a miscarriage alone, a sense of peace settled over him.
Thank you, Lord, for continuing to reach for me. I know I don’t deserve it.
Joe stopped praying for a moment so he could think about it. He didn’t deserve God’s peace. No one did. The good news was the Lord was a God of grace and mercy. He gave His peace freely to anyone who asked.
A deep cleansing breath left him humble and filled with thanksgiving. “I know I let Lisa down, Lord, and she suffered because I abandoned her. Forgive me. Please help me make it up to her.”
Something shifted inside him and Joe realized he wasn’t trying to push the joy away. His enormous burden of guilt had lifted and it felt so amazingly good.
Looking back over the last several days, Joe recalled his hopelessness when Lisa first arrived on the ship. God had sent her to him so he could find his way back. Back to the Lord, back to her. All he had to do was tell her. Then perhaps the two of them could begin to heal.
If it wasn’t too late, he wanted them to heal together, with the Lord firmly at the center of their lives.
****
The tour in Skagway would take an entire day, so Joe and Lisa departed the ship before breakfast. Instead, they ate on a sightseeing train as it took them up the mountains to the gold mines and nearby historic campgrounds. Joe was glad Lisa brought her camera along.
Brandon and his father were on the train, accompanied by Jessica, but they were seated several rows back.
Joe looked forward to panning for gold and, in spite of her red, puffy eyes, Lisa seemed to practically dance with excitement. It was then that Joe realized Lisa had been infused with the same sense of peace he had. Their healing had begun.
Did letting go of his guilt mean saying good-bye to his son? Should he use this time as a tribute to his Cody? Maybe he would make up one last story as his way of saying good-bye to his little boy.
The stray thought was unwelcome, and he quickly dismissed it. He was not ready to say good-bye to Cody. Not yet. Please God, not yet. It hurts way too much.
“Joe?” Lisa’s voice cut into his thoughts. “Are you all right?”
He nodded.
“We don’t have to do this, you know.”
“I know. I”—he swallowed hard as his voice broke—“I want to.” As hard as it would be to walk through the historic gold camps without his son, he still needed to do it.
Lisa smiled up at him, one of those smiles that never failed to pull at his heart. She wore a pale blue fleece jacket that highlighted the blue in her red-rimmed eyes. Unable to help himself, he planted a light kiss on her forehead. He wanted to continue down to her lips, but Jessica was staring at them from several seats back with a knowing look on her face. He tried to avoid her grandmotherly gaze and realized he didn’t really want to. He needed people in his life. He’d made a terrible mistake when he chose to isolate himself. He smiled at Jessica and this time the smile was genuine.
Perhaps there was hope for him after all.
****
Lisa could tell things had changed as much for Joe as they had for her. The longing in his eyes mirrored the longing in her heart. But something still seemed to bother him. The closer they drew to the gold mining camps, the more Joe appeared to grow pensive. He was probably thinking of Cody.
Be with him, Lord. Help this be a good day for him.
Afraid she’d be bored touring the gold mine camps, Lisa was happy to find she enjoyed herself. From time to time they came across Brandon and Chad—who were acco
mpanied by Jessica. Brandon, in all of his little-boy-enthusiasm, kept trying to follow Lisa and Joe. But Jessica consistently managed to intervene, for which Lisa was grateful.
The surrounding mountains and woods were magnificent, the history lesson fascinating, and the way Joe kept muttering to himself as they wandered the site was positively intriguing. What was going on in that head of his? He seemed interested in their surroundings and it certainly appeared to take his mind off his troubles. He no longer seemed to be fighting to keep from letting down his guard.
The sites were either well-preserved and well-cared for or perfectly recreated. Not being a historian, Lisa wasn’t sure which. But it didn’t matter because she loved it.
Joe did, too, apparently. Looking quite pleased with himself and still muttering, he hovered over everything for excruciatingly long periods. Still, he was smiling and that was all Lisa cared about.
She loved him. And he loved her.
Even though he had yet to commit to it, it was only a matter of time before Joe was back where he belonged.
After the tour of the gold mines, they ate lunch at a rustic old log-hewn inn. It was part of the tour package, along with a hike in the woods and fishing at the lake.
Brandon managed to coerce his father and Jessica into joining Lisa and Joe for lunch, but he knew about the lake—and the fishing poles—at the end of the trail and grew antsier by the minute.
“It’s time to go on the hike, Miss Lisa.” Brandon practically jumped out of his chair, potato chip crumbs falling from his shirt and spotting his chin.
Lisa instinctively reached for a napkin to brush them away as she’d done so many times for Cody. “Brandon, honey, I’m going to skip the hike today. But you go along with your dad and Miss Jessica. You’ll have fun, I promise. You might even catch a big fish.”
She turned to Joe. “Is it okay if we skip the hike?” She held her breath, waiting for his answer, praying it would be a yes.
He nodded, but there was a hint of a promise in his eyes. Hope spread across Lisa’s chest and she couldn’t help but smile.
The inn was warm and toasty and she planned to suggest they use the time together to write down some of his stories. The morning at the mines and camps might have given him some new ideas they could brainstorm.
Excited about this new side of Joe, Lisa wanted to help him develop his ideas as much as possible.
“Can we stay with you, Miss Lisa?” The pleading in Brandon’s eyes tugged at her and she hesitated, torn between wanting to be alone with Joe and not wanting to disappoint this sweet boy.
Jessica glanced at Lisa and raised one eyebrow. Then she turned to Brandon. “Sweetheart, I think Lisa and Joe need some time together.”
A pout clouded Brandon’s usual sunny disposition.
“I’m sure they’ll be happy to sit with you on the train on the way back,” Jessica said.
“We will, Brandon,” Lisa said. “I promise. But right now, Joe and I are just going to talk. You’ll be bored if you stayed here with us. Hiking with Jessica and your dad will be a lot more fun.”
“No it won’t. It’ll be boring with them, too.”
“Actually, I don’t think it will.” Jessica pressed her lips into a secretive smile and lowered her lashes. “Unless you count fishing as boring.”
“Fishing? Really?” The corners of Brandon’s lips turned up, and he no longer sounded upset. “Can we, Dad? Can we?”
Lisa breathed a sigh of relief then smiled at Jessica in thanks. Jessica winked at her in return. Clearly, Brandon didn’t remember his previous declaration about not liking fish. Maybe there was a difference between catching fish and eating them, at least in a little boy’s mind.
After the small group departed with their guides, the couple who ran the inn, Millie and Paul, was most accommodating and seemed happy to host Lisa and Joe for the afternoon.
Millie, a sweet-natured woman with a round face and snow white hair, helped them get settled in a spacious room that had a fireplace on each end. While they made themselves at home on an overstuffed leather couch, Millie brought them hot chocolate and a plate of cookies. Lisa smiled as Joe dug into the cookies, happy to see him enjoy something. So far this day had been truly blessed in that area.
When Joe had devoured the last of the cookies, Lisa pulled his laptop out of her backpack.
“Are you kidding?” Joe stared at the laptop. “You’ve been carrying that thing around all day?”
“It’s not that heavy. Besides, I figured you might come up with a new story idea while we were at the gold camp. This way you could write it down so you won’t forget it.”
“Wow, Lisa. I don’t know what to say.”
“Say yes.”
“Yes.”
Then he shocked her by leaning over and kissing her on the forehead. When he leaned back in his chair, his smile was wide, and his brown eyes sparkled. Warm and toasty, Lisa was quite certain it had nothing to do with the fireplace.
18
Joe blamed it on the fire.
Sitting on an overstuffed leather couch near the fireplace with the taste of hot chocolate and marshmallows on his tongue, he huddled with Lisa, brainstorming a children’s story idea.
Now, as Lisa typed ideas into his laptop and fired random thoughts at him, her cheeks flushed a rosy shade that seemed to add light to her already bright blue eyes. A warmth curled around his heart that left Joe feeling…well…romantic.
He couldn’t believe how passionate she was about his children’s stories or that she’d been lugging his laptop around in her backpack all day. Granted, it was a lightweight model. But still, her enthusiasm for his story ideas warmed him more than the fire and hot chocolate ever could.
Would he still feel this way without the fire crackling in front of them?
Yes. The answer came to him in a flash. He could be standing outside barefoot with no jacket in the wilds of Alaska, and he’d feel the same way.
The urge to kiss her was overpowering. He leaned toward her, studying her face. Her eyes, bright from the reflection of the fire, widened. Her face seemed to soften, as if she knew of his intention.
“Lisa,” he whispered. He leaned closer, but she put her palm out and sat up straight.
“Joe, there’s still something I need to tell you about.”
He groaned and sat back. She sounded so serious. He didn’t want to have a heavy conversation. “Let’s not talk right now.”
“We have to. Much as I want to kiss you, I can’t until we talk about this.” Her face pinched with worry, and she swallowed hard.
“Lisa, we’ve already talked about the accident. And the…” He hesitated because it hurt him to even say it, and he knew how much it hurt her as well. “And the baby. You’re not to blame. So we don’t need to do anything but enjoy the moment.”
“I lied to you,” she blurted out.
Lisa was the most honest person he knew. He couldn’t imagine her lying about anything. At a loss for what it could be, he motioned with his hand for her to continue. “About…?”
“You were right all along.” She muttered and looked down at her lap as if ashamed to make eye contact.
What was he right about? He recalled their last several conversations, and the answer came to him in a flash.
“Your reason for being here?”
Biting her lower lip, she nodded.
“I see.”
“It was exactly what you said. I hoped to get you to come home.”
He should be mad. If she’d told him yesterday, he might have been. But this was a new day. He was a new man. This was his opening.
“You don’t look angry.” Surprise lilted in her voice.
“I suspected.”
A picture of his son came into his mind, Cody’s eyes bright blue like Lisa’s, his eager, happy smile.
Joe knew then, Cody would want his parents to be together like they were at this moment. But he wouldn’t want it to be a fleeting moment. He’d want it to be forever
. Joe did, too. And he didn’t feel panic, sadness, or guilt. Instead, he felt warmth and love, and the need to fix things.
Was it even possible? Yes. The love of the Lord surrounded him, filling him with peace and hope.
Before he could take the thought any further, the large double doors burst open and the group of hikers burst in, little Brandon proudly leading the way.
“Mr. Joe! We had the best-est time. You should have been with us.”
Joe looked at Brandon’s father who stood behind the boy, looking weary but content. Chad must have finally allowed himself to relax enough to enjoy his son. Joe was glad.
“That’s great Brandon. But I had a good time, too. I needed to stay here and take care of some things.” He looked over at Lisa and smiled. He wasn’t done taking care of things, and as soon as they were alone together, he’d make things right once and for all and hope she’d forgive him for even entertaining the thought of a divorce.
Brandon was at his side shaking his arm before he could even blink. “You gotta come, Mr. Joe. Please. You gotta see all the fishes I caught.”
One look into that small but earnest face made it impossible to say no.
He turned to Lisa. “Do you mind? I won’t be gone long.”
“I’d be upset if you didn’t.” The smile on her face warmed his heart as he followed Brandon and his father back out the door.
19
While Lisa waited for Joe to return, she settled on the couch and decided to send Rose an e-mail. She had so much to tell her friend about how much progress she and Joe had made.
After the computer booted back up, Lisa clicked the icon for the e-mail program. Joe’s inbox appeared and she was just about to select “compose” when something caught her eye. Something ugly that caused her heart to skip a beat. The subject line of an e-mail in the inbox. Re: The Divorce.
True North Page 18