by Owen Sheers
Codeine, Tramadol, Fentanyl, Oramorph, Paracetamol, MST, Amitriptyline, Diazepam, Mirtazapine, Citalopram, Ranitidine, Omeprazole, Lactulose, Butran, Ibuprofen, Venlafaxine. Co-codamol.
The lights fade down on the repeating song.
SCENE SIX – SOMEONE TO HOLD
Lights up on a Psychologist talking to Charlie, who sits in a wheelchair without his prosthetic leg. As they talk the silhouette of a Vallon man sweeping for IEDs is seen upstage.
Psychologist … Severe allergic reactions: rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, throat, or tongue; unusual hoarseness; chest pain; confusion; difficult or painful urination; disorientation; excessive sweating; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; fever; hallucinations; loss of coordination; mental or mood changes, agitation, depression, red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin, and … seizures.
Charlie Severe nausea? Vomiting; diarrhoea; headaches; suicidal thoughts – cos I need more of those, right? – Loss of appetite; tiredness; weakness; pale shit and dark piss.
Beat.
And I mean, that’s just the Tramadol. Wait till you hear about the Venlafaxine –
Psychologist It’s OK, Charlie. I see your point. The meds aren’t helping?
Charlie No. The drugs, as the song says, don’t fucking work. I mean, yeah, they work, but at the same time they mess everything up.
Psychologist Like?
Charlie Sleep. Attention. Anger. Sex.
Psychologist How are things with Lauren?
Beat.
Charlie I don’t know. Answer me this, Doc? How can you be angry at someone for loving you too much? She’ll try and help me, or cuddle me – oh, yeah, cuddling, that’s the worst – and I’ll be like, ‘Get the fuck off me!’
Psychologist You’ve lost interest in sex?
Charlie No. Yes. I mean … you get back and you think what you want is a slut. It is. You think you’ll want to do all that stuff you’ve been dreaming about doing for six fucking months in the desert. But when you do get back, you don’t. You don’t. The juices aren’t flowing. Not the actual juices, no problem there – but you know, the metaphorical ones. You want something else instead.
Psychologist And what’s that? What do you want?
Charlie Exactly what she’s offering. That closeness, the contact. But when she does. There’s this fucking distance and I just want to be alone. On my own.
Dave enters and approaches the Psychologist.
Dave She doesn’t understand. She thinks I’m a lazy bastard. I know she does. She gives me these fucking chores, these lists. And then the meds knock me out. Or I haven’t slept for days because of the flashbacks. And what the kids say. That’s the worst. ‘Daddy, are you drunk?’ ‘Why is Daddy sleeping all the time?’
Psychologist Have you tried explaining things to them?
Dave Like what? How every time I see them I think of those kids in Afghan? No. I’ve put my bed in the back room now. So they don’t have to see me like this.
Psychologist And your wife? How’s she coping?
Dave Don’t get me wrong. I know how hard it’s been for her. They’ve all had to get on without me. And that’s part of the problem – they’ve got their own routines now. Without me. They live without me.
Beat.
Do you know what she said the other day? ‘Dai didn’t come back.’ That’s what she said. ‘The Dai that went away hasn’t come back.’ And in a way she’s right. She is.
Frank enters and approaches the Psychologist.
Frank I’ll just go out on the piss all day. Don’t give a fuck, then I’ll get wound up by something small and I’ll just want to smash something up. Or someone.
Psychologist Only when you drink?
Frank Well, the drink makes it worse. The anger’s there all the time. And these images. Like, I don’t fucking know. When an IED blew my mate’s hands off. The look in his eyes. That kind of thing.
Psychologist You’re on probation now, right?
Frank Yeah. But they said if I come and talk to you, it’ll keep me out of prison.
Psychologist Does that worry Michelle? You going away again? Doing time?
Frank Yeah, yeah, it does.
Beat.
I don’t know. When she’s talking to me. When I can’t be near her. I just want to go back there, get vengeance on the fuckers who done this to me. It’s like … it’s like there’s hatred running through my whole body. But I do love her. I do.
Dave She’s right. She is.
Charlie She’s pretty amazing, doc. I mean, I know she’s my solution. But I’m fucking it up. And it’s like I can’t stop.
As he continues the three women, Lauren, Marie and Michelle (carrying a child) enter and come to stand beside the three men.
It’s like I really, really want to square this one away but I can’t. It’s a whole second tour, Doc. It is. The one no one tells you about. And I don’t know if I can do it. I mean, I’ll storm a fucking compound tomorrow. Even with one fucking leg. But this tour. I’m outnumbered. You take meds for the pain, then meds for the meds. Then every time you close your eyes …
The Psychologist exits.
And the casualties. That’s what’s so fucked up. They’re the very people you always said you’d fight for. The ones you said you’d protect. The ones you love.
Charlie reaches a hand out towards Lauren. She takes off her engagement ring and places it in his palm, then turns away.
Dave reaches towards Marie. She stares at him as if she doesn’t know him, then places a child’s toy in his hand before turning away.
Frank reaches towards Michelle. She looks at the baby, then at him, then turns away.
Music: ‘Someone to Hold’ by Antony and the Johnsons.
The three women begin to dance with the three men. Ali and Leroy enter in wheelchairs and swap with Frank and Dave.
As the dancers exit Richard appears in close-up, projected on the screen.
Richard When I was in hospital, my mum, bless her, she quit her job to stay with me. She’d be trying to care for me, and I’d be like, really snappy, telling her to fuck off, go away. Then straight away I’d think, ‘Why did I do that?’ It’s weird, you want it, you do. But then you’ll be a twat, and tell them to fuck off. It’s like being two people.
The lights come up to reveal Richard on stage. He appears naked, watching YouTube clips of IED explosions.
(On screen.) But she’s amazing, she is. She’s always been there when I needed her. I’d go out on the piss, and she’d find me later, in her kitchen, fucking laughing at YouTube clips of IEDs. Just going crazy.
Tracy enters. She fetches a blanket to wrap around her son. At first he pushes her away, but then he accepts her embrace.
(On screen.) Then ten minutes later, I’d be in her arms, crying. She’s had to put up with so much. But she’s always supported me, always.
Fade to black.
SCENE SEVEN – ENEMY TERRITORY
Speeches by Becky, Chris and Daniel are projected on to the gauze.
Becky The first time you go out in public is horrible. Shops are the worst. I was terrified of someone bumping into me, of falling over. Then when you do, your pride really takes a hit. In some ways the kids are the best. They stare, but they just say it like it is, too. ‘Mummy, why has that lady got one leg?’ That kind of thing.
Chris When I got out of hospital I felt like I was in a cage. I just sat by the window in my mum and dad’s house, watching the world go by. I was scared to go outside. In the end my parents just said, ‘Right, Chris, let’s take you out.’ I was frightened of everything at first. I still can’t do bonfire nights. Any bangs, a car, a balloon, and I still shit myself.
Daniel How I think of it is, I’ve got my old brain, and my new brain. My old brain was the one that evolved for the first thirty-eight years of my life. It was me. My new brain, that’s the one I was given when I was blown up. I mean, in an instant, I became a different
person. And people don’t always understand. When I say my brain hurts, or I have trouble thinking, or that I get really tired they’ll say, ‘Oh yeah, I get that sometimes too.’ It’s frustrating, because I don’t like the new me. I don’t always recognise myself, and they just don’t understand.
Becky When you’re in a FOB, or a base, anything outside those walls is dangerous territory. That’s where the stuff is going to happen. It can feel the same when you come back too. Outside the PRU, outside the safety of your room, that’s where stuff can happen. But you have to get out there, don’t you? You have to.
Lights come up to reveal a lapdancing club. Two backlit screens show the silhouettes of two Dancers. A Waitress is taking a drinks order from two Businessmen.
Charlie, Richard, Marc, Roger, Ali, Dave, Frank, Simi and Darren all enter.
As Becky, Chris and Daniel join them Charlie wheels downstage.
Charlie You know what my nickname was in the Corps? Foxtrot. And no, not for my fancy fucking footwork either. Charlie Fowler. C.F. – in NATO phonetics, ‘Charlie Foxtrot’. In Army and Navy slang – ‘Clusterfuck: a situation disintegrating in every direction at once.’ I won’t lie to you, for a while there, after this happened, I became my nickname.
I mean, I was a fucking mess. And I wasn’t alone. There’s the denial phase, the ‘sitting on your ass playing Xbox, pissing everyone off’ phase, the meds, the pain … But we’re soldiers, you know. What do they teach us in training? Adapt and overcome. And that’s what you do, eventually.
Beat.
In the end, for me, there were two things that really made that happen. The first was realising that just like you fight for your mates, your boys, out there, on the ground, so you can fight for them here too. It might be just a phone call, an email, dropping round. But you can look out for each other here just like you did on tour. I mean, whenever we pushed into new areas in Afghan, we went as a patrol, didn’t we? And it’s the same here.
He starts to wheel back upstage towards the scene in the club.
When we push into that uncharted territory, as much as possible, we do so together.
He wheels a bit further before turning back to the audience.
Oh, yeah, the second thing? Well … actually, you know what? You’re about to hear about that now anyway.
He wheels on to join the group.
Ali Charlie Boy! What’s your poison?
Charlie Beer. Thanks, man.
Richard Are we all here?
Daniel Er, yeah. Aren’t we? I thought I counted everyone off …
Ali Jesus! Who put the guy with the neuro injury in charge of numbers?
Richard And the kitty!
Becky Not any more. I’ll take that, shall I?
Daniel I could have sworn …
Leroy enters.
Leroy Great, thanks for that, lads. Had to be carried up by old Tweedledee and Tweedledum out there, didn’t I?
The two Dancers come out from behind the screen and begin to mingle among the Soldiers as the Waitress takes drinks orders.
Dancer 1 Hello love. You interested in a private dance?
Leroy Er, yeah, I guess so. Is it a lapdance?
She looks at his legs.
Dancer 1 Well, it’s hardly going to be a waltz is it, darling? Yes, it’s a lap dance.
Leroy That’s lucky, cos a lap’s all I got!
Leroy and Dancer 1 go behind the screens.
Ali All right, darling?
Waitress Evening, sir.
Ali You know what a fat penguin does?
Waitress I’m sorry?
Ali Breaks the ice! Get it? Breaks the ice …
The two Businessmen approach Charlie and Chris.
Businessman 1 All right, lads? Having a good night?
Businessman 2 Are you all, er, veterans, then? Is that it?
Charlie Well, some of us are still serving. We’re soldiers but, yeah.
Businessman 1 Well, I think you do a fantastic job. Really. People don’t recognise it enough.
Businessman 2 I’ve got a friend who was in the Army.
Charlie Right. Great.
Ali (to the Waitress, as she passes) Are your feet sore, love? Cos you’ve been running through my mind all night!
Businessman 1 Look, will you let us get you all a round. Please. It would be our pleasure.
Charlie No, honestly, you’re all right, mate.
Ali Shut up, Charlie. Jack and Coke please, mate, cheers!
Businessman 2 Waitress! Waitress! A round for these lads, please. On us.
Businessman 1 So, have you been overseas?
Charlie Yeah.
Chris Yeah.
Businessman 2 Iraq, was it?
Chris No, Afghan.
Businessman 1 Wow. Really? Did you see any action?
Charlie looks at their missing legs.
Charlie Er, yeah? A bit.
Chris Some.
Businessman 2 Did you kill any?
Charlie Sorry?
Businessman 1 I think what he’s asking is whether you killed anyone over there?
Beat.
Did you?
Charlie Er, I don’t really want to –
Businessman 2 How many? Do you know?
Chris Look –
Ali (to the Waitress) Hey, love! Is there a mirror in your knickers? Cos I can see myself in them later!
Businessman 1 I imagine it’d be hard to tell? From what I hear you don’t often see them, do you?
Roger joins the group.
Roger Look, mate, thanks for the drinks and everything, but do you mind not asking those kind of questions?
Businessman 2 Oh. Oh, I’m sorry.
Businessman 1 We didn’t mean to cause offence. Sorry.
Businessman 2 Are you with them too?
Roger ‘Them’? Who the fuck is ‘them’?
Businessman 2 The soldiers.
Roger Yeah. I am.
Businessman 2 So … I mean, sorry, but what’s wrong with you?
Roger I don’t know, I broke my back in two places, had discs at C4 and C5 replaced, I’m addicted to meds and sometimes the pain is so bad I collapse and piss myself in public. What’s wrong with you?
Richard and Frank come over.
Richard All right, Rog, take it easy.
The Businessmen back off.
Businessman 2 Right. OK. Fine.
Roger Prick.
Dancer 2 approaches Charlie. She wears a nurse’s outfit.
Dancer 2 Hello, it’s Charlie, isn’t it?
Charlie Oh God, you know my name. Have I really been here that much?
Dancer 2 Once or twice. Look, would you like a private dance?
Charlie Er, thanks, but I’m fine. Thanks.
Dancer 2 Really? Even if I say please?
Charlie Well, no. Honestly, that’s sweet, but …
Businessman 1 Take the dance. It’s on us. Please.
Ali If you don’t want it, Charlie, I’ll have it!
Dancer 2 Please?
Charlie OK, OK, I’ll have the dance.
The screens are moved to isolate Charlie and Dancer 2.
Look, I’ll be honest, I’m not really in the mood for this.
Dancer 2 It’s all right. I didn’t really want to give you a dance.
Charlie Oh. Then why –?
Dancer 2 Because I wanted to give you something else.
Charlie Oh, right. Well, Jesus. That’s really kind of you. I mean, I know everyone’s getting into this ‘help for heroes’ stuff, but –
Dancer 2 Who’s Lauren?
Beat.
Charlie Sorry?
Dancer 2 Lauren? Who is she?
Charlie How do you know –?
Dancer 2 When you’ve been in before. When you get drunk. You start talking about her. A lot.
Charlie I do? Yeah, I guess that happens.
Dancer 2 And that tat on your arm. I’m guessing it used to say her name?
Charlie Yeah. Yeah, it did. Before the frag
and the scars fucked it up. Guess I should have known then, eh?
Dancer 2 Known what?
Charlie She’s my fiancée … She was my fiancée.
Dancer 2 Oh. Bollocks. I’m sorry.
Charlie Not your fault. Not hers either. All mine.
Dancer 2 I guess you might not want this now then.
Charlie Want what?
Dancer 2 This.
She hands him a folded piece of paper.
Charlie What is it?
Dancer 2 Well, I’ve seen you’ve all got tattoos. You all seem to like tats.
Charlie Yeah, everyone likes a bit of ink.
Dancer 2 So I designed a new one for you. I’ve gone back to college. It’s meant to be, well, I thought you might like a new one.
Charlie ‘Lauren’.
Dancer 2 Yeah, but I understand if –
Charlie It’s beautiful.
Dancer 2 You can change the words underneath if you want. And the name now I guess!
Charlie ‘But love survives the venom of the snake.’
Dancer 2 It’s from this poem we’re studying. It’s by a soldier, but, like I said –
Charlie It’s perfect. Thank you.
Beat.
Dancer 2 Is it really over?
Charlie I don’t know.
Dancer 2 Cos the way you talk about her. When –
Charlie I know. I know.
Dancer 2 Look, I’m going to have to go. The manager gets in a right strop if we’re in here too long. But, well, like I said. I wanted to give you something. Sorry if it’s –
Charlie I meant what I said. It’s perfect. Thank you.
She leans in and gives him a peck on the cheek, then exits.
The lights stay up on Charlie.
SCENE EIGHT – LEAVING
Charlie ‘But love survives the venom of the snake.’ When you’re discharged from the services one of the last things you do is hand over your ID. Your identity. It’s a death, of sorts. At least, it certainly feels like a kind of grief, afterwards. A mourning. For the loss of that bond. For the family you’d joined, lived with, fought with, but are now being asked to leave.
It feels sudden. One day you’re in. The next you’re out. But it isn’t. It’s a slow process. A process of departure. And that’s one of the problems. It takes seconds to hand over that ID. But it can take years to remove the uniform.