by Harper West
I was not the girl. I was not the girl who came and tried to sleep with three different men in one night. I was not the girl who succeeded in sleeping with two different men.
I had to do something else, otherwise I was going to lose myself entirely.
I couldn’t deny it. I would totally fall in love with Reed and with John. They had made me feel the best that I had ever felt in my entire life and it scared me. I didn’t think that I could continue.
As soon as I managed to get out of bed, I called Caitlin. She was my best friend, and I knew that she would understand.
“Hello?” she answered, sounding sleepy.
“Hey,” I said. “Where are you?”
“Sorry, sorry,” she said. “I just had a late night.”
“A late night?” I asked. “Is everything OK? I know you hung out with Ricky last night.”
“Yeah,” she said. “We were just up late talking.”
“Everything OK?” I asked.
“For sure,” she assured me. “What’s up?”
“I….” I paused, and then the whole story just sort of came stumbling out. She was silent through most of it, and then she choked.
“Is this actually Natalie I am talking to?” she asked. “You aren’t normally like this.”
“I know,” I said. “I don’t know what’s happening.”
“Well... what do you want?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “I think that’s the problem. I have no idea what I want.”
“Well,” she said. “I guess you’re going to have to find out.”
“I’m not going to find out,” I replied. “I know what I’m going to do?”
“Go after both of them and live happily ever after?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “I’m going to call Tyler for a second date.”
“Oh,” she said, and I could hear her surprise “Really?”
“What?” I asked. “You think I should stay with the two of them?”
“I’m not saying anything,” she said. “I just think that you should just... do whatever makes you happy.”
“But you have an opinion,” I said.
“I just don’t think Tyler will make you happy,” she finally said. “That’s not you.”
“Of course, it’s me,” I said. “I focus, I play it safe.”
“You do both of those things,” she agreed. “But you don’t…. you know. You also keep things fresh.”
“Yeah,” I said. “But fresh is not having a threesome with my professor and his hot best friend. That’s not what I want to be known for, especially if I flunk out of here. I want to be known for my PHD.”
“What?” she asked. “Why would you flake out?”
“Because I’m going to if I don’t start doing homework,” I said. “And these two have taken all of my energy and all of my concentration.”
“Well, we don’t want that.”
“Yes," I said. “So, I’m going to call him.”
“Well, I think you should do whatever you think is best,” she said. “But I believe in you, no matter what.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I can’t believe that we are having this conversation.”
“I know, right?” she said. “You were the who used to listen to me talking about threesomes.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said. “I guess they are right when they say that a PhD changes you.”
“I can’t believe this,” she groaned. “I’m just saying, Natalie, that if you don’t want them, though, like, I’ll take them.”
I laughed at that.
“I’m going to go,” I said. “I’ll call you later.”
“Cool,” she said. “Let me know how it goes.”
When we hung up, I stared at the phone for a moment and then dialed Tyler’s number. I wanted to do this before I backed out.
“Hello?” he said when he answered. “Natalie? Hi!”
“Hi,” I said, sitting down on the bed. “How are you?”
“Good,” he said. “Good. How are you?”
“I’m good,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that... I had a really good time last night.”
“I did too,” he said. “Oh my God, I can’t believe that you are calling me.”
“You didn't think that I would call you?” I asked him.
“No,” he said. “I mean, things went really well, but I got the feeling that you weren’t interested. What changed last night?”
I didn't want to tell him the truth, so I just tried to shrug and fake it in my voice.
“Oh just... you know, I had a change of heart,” I said. “I admit, I was a little distracted last night, but now that I think about it... I’d really like to see you again.”
“I’d love to see you again too,” he said. “So, whenever you want to go out, that’s fine. I’ll like skip class or something.”
I laughed at that.
“Well, I don’t think that you should do that.” I said. “But maybe we could find a time when you aren’t in class?”
“For sure,” he said. “Let me get my schedule.”
“Yeah, I’ll wait,” I said, and lay down on the bed. While he was rustling around, I felt my heart sink. This was what I wanted to do, and yet I felt so bored. Waiting for him to find his class schedule and knowing that he was going to take me to a coffeeshop or something was just boring.
We eventually agreed on a date and time, and then he thanked me several hundred times, and then hung up.
Once the date was set, I went and put it in my agenda and then sighed.
I was right, it was going to be a coffeeshop date, and I just wasn’t excited about it.
But I wasn’t going to lose my job, and I wasn’t going to skimp on my homework. That was the most important part of all of this.
I spent the rest of the day doing homework, and typing away on my computer, and then eventually changed out of my pajamas.
This was the real me. This was the version that I had hidden while I was having a threesome and acting like a wanton.
But even through all of that, I couldn’t stop thinking about Reed and John. I wondered what they were doing. If I didn’t call them together, were they going to find another girl? Were they bored of me already? What did they think about last night?
I knew that I shouldn’t be thinking these things, because it didn’t matter. I was supposed to be focused on my PhD.
Thoughts of Reed fingering my pussy kept entering my head.
I remembered how he said that he didn’t normally do things like that, and I wondered if he meant threesomes, or just sleeping with women right off the bat. They were such different people, Reed and John. If you talked to Reed, it was a once in awhile thing. If you talked to John, they teamed up for threesomes like every second night.
A text came through on my phone, and I looked at it with interest.
Hi, it was Reed. How are you this morning?
I’m fine, Professor, I responded. I had purposely chosen to call him by his title because I wanted to be clear about what was happening. How are you?
I’m good, he answered. Still coming in for seminar tomorrow?
Absolutely I said. The students have their papers all ready for editing.
This would be the part where, if we were going to pursue something more, one of us might say something. However, I didn’t want to lead him on, especially not just after I had made a date with Tyler.
I knew this was complicated, and I wished there was someone I could talk to who understood. However, there was no one I knew who had been in my situation, and I certainly didn’t want to reveal myself to the world.
I told myself that I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I was a modern-day woman and I could do whatever I wanted and sleep with whoever I damn well pleased. No one should be ashamed of me, and I certainly shouldn’t be embarrassed of myself.
But that just brought the question of whatever I knew myself at all. This wasn’t me, as exciting as it was.
The nail in the coffin came when John texted me around 11:00 PM that night. I had just shut off the lights and was going to bed when the message came through.
Are you awake? It said. I might not have had much experience on the threesome side, but I knew exactly what that message was. It was a booty call and I should have just left it.
Yes, I said. I’m awake.
Want to come over? He asked. Yesterday, I would have said yes. But today, I resolved to be better.
I’m actually headed to bed, I said.
Boo. Another time then? He asked.
I'm actually really busy, I texted back. Thanks for the fun time.
I thought that text was pretty clear, and I guess John thought it was pretty clear too, because he didn’t respond.
I felt bad about doing that, especially since I had given no warning, but I had to be true to myself.
When I woke up the next morning, it was with a grey cloud over my head. It wasn’t that I was mad, and it wasn’t that I was depressed. The sun just didn’t seem to shine as bright, knowing that I was going to seminar and then I was going out for coffee with Tyler.
There would be no more expensive restaurants. There would be no beautiful dresses and sexy offices. Is that what I wanted the rest of my life to be?
In my front hallway, on the way out the door, I stopped and looked at the trophies and metals and certificates that I had racked up over the years Ever since elementary school, I had been winning awards for spelling bees, or for making sure that my grades were straight As. That was who I was, and that was what I wanted my legacy to be.
Looking down at my phone, I deleted John’s number and then I deleted Reed’s. If he was going to be my advisor, that was fine, but we could talk over the university chat channel, where the messages were monitored
I headed out the door and decided to walk to campus. I must have looked like a typical student with my book bag, my jeans, and my hair in a ponytail. Normally, I dressed up for seminar, but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to today. Today, I was just going to be me.
Hey, Caitlin texted me on the way into school Can we meet for coffee? It’s my turn to drop a bomb.
Uh-oh I responded back. Sure. When?
As soon as possible, she said. You were worried that you were going to fuck up your own life. I’m worried about fucking up someone else’s.
What? I asked, but she didn’t answer the question. Instead, she just told me a time and place. This was weird, and not like her at all. Caitlin normally had it together and she only told you things by accident, to make casual conversation. She was never that person to reach out for help.
If I was still involved with Reed and John, I’d probably be too busy to listen to her. But that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to be there for my friends. Tyler would be the type of boyfriend to give me time to do those things.
I’ll be there, I texted her, my heart pounding. I hoped that everything was alright, but if not, I’d handle it.
Chapter 13
Reed
I stared at the text from Natalie, completely baffled. That wasn’t like her. At least, it wasn’t like the Natalie that I knew. This Natalie seemed standoffish. I knew that we had done something wrong, but I didn’t realize just how wrong it was until she sent that text
“She hates us.” I called John after class. “I feel like a whiny five-year-old, but she really and truly hates us.”
“I don’t think she hates us,” John said. “She texted me too. I just think she... isn’t into it anymore. Like we pushed her too far.”
“I thought we had an awesome night,” I replied.
“I thought we did too,” he said. “But I guess not. Whatever, Reed, it’s just another notch in our belts.”
“But it’s not,” I said, and I could hear him squeak
“What?” he asked. “You aren’t saying you are in love, are you?”
“No,” I said, even though I was sort of leaning that way. “No, I couldn’t fall in love that fast. I just uh…”
“Oh my God, you are in love,” he said.
“No,” I replied. “She’s just different, is all.”
“Well, I don’t really care how different she is,” he said. “What I care about is she isn’t interested in anymore, so I shouldn’t waste my time.”
“Yeah, you know what’s awkward? I asked. “Her friend is still staying in my house.”
“Oh my God, I forgot about that,” he said. “How long are you going to let that go on, if she isn’t…”
“I don’t know,” I replied. “I just can’t kick the dude out. He’s super sick.”
“Isn’t he dying or something?” John asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “I guess? Supposedly?”
“You don’t believe them?” he replied. I had already left the university, and I was headed for the parking lot.
“No, I do,” I said. “I just... I am not as good of person as I thought I was.”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“When she asked... well, she didn’t ask, I offered. And I offered because I thought I was a good person with a good heart. But it turns out I was just trying to get into her pants.”
“As everyone does,” he replied. “There’s nothing wrong with it.”
“Yeah, but it’s awkward,” I said, as I stood outside the car. I wasn’t sure whether I should go home or stay out.
”Well, do you want me to come over?” he asked.
“No,” I said. “It’s fine. Just let me know if she texts you, OK?”
“Sure,” he replied. “Chin up, Reed, it’s just a girl.”
I didn’t say anything, and I hung up the phone. I wasn’t mad at him, but I was pretty upset about the fact somehow had seemed to screw up.
I knew that, and I knew I shouldn’t be bothered, but there was something about this girl that was different. Natalie had caught my eye in a way no one else had, and I knew I wasn’t likely to forget her.
Especially, given, of course, that her best friend from undergrad was staying my house.
When I finally got home, thanks to traffic, I saw Ricky in the kitchen. We hadn’t talked too much, but he was a nice guy and I didn’t mind him around. He mostly kept to himself, although I occasionally saw Caitlin, Natalie's other TA friend, around.
“Hey Ricky,” I said to him, as I came in.
“Reed,” he said. “How are you?”
“I uh…. can I talk to you?” I felt like Tyler, begging for Natalie. At the time, I had judged him, but now, I realized what kind of position he must have been in. Like Tyler, I just wanted Natalie to pay attention to me, and I couldn’t do it. “About Natalie?”
“Sure,” he said and sat on the stool in the kitchen. “What’s the issue?”
“What makes you think there’s an issue?” I asked, as I poured myself a glass of water. He smiled.
“Well, there wouldn’t be a conversation unless there was an issue.”
“Alright, alright,” I said. “I’m just wondering if you heard from her…. after last night.”
“Why, what happened last night?” he asked. “Is she OK?”
“I mean, she’s fine,” I said. “I assume. It’s just we had... sort of a date last night, but this morning, she won’t talk to me.”
“Oh,” he said. “Well, did something go wrong?”
“Yes, no... I don’t know,” I said. “I mean, I thought everything was fine, but then I talked to her and she decided that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore, or my friend, John.”
“How is your friend involved in this?” he asked, and I actually blushed.
“Uh, he was there.”
“On the date?” he asked, and I sighed.
“Yeah, it’s complicated,” I replied.
“Well, that’s your problem,” he said, and I quirked an eyebrow.
“What?”
“If you brought your friend on the date, then of course she was mad.”
“Uh... no,” I said. “It wasn�
��t like that. She wanted him on the date, and me.”
“Oh,” he said and then his eyes widened “Oh. OH.”
“Right,” I said. “You’ve got it.”
“Wow, Natalie,” he said. “I didn’t think she was…”
“Please don’t judge her,” I said. “Or tell her. Unless she tells you.”
“Right,” he said. “So... you want to know why she isn’t talking to you?”
“Basically,” I said.
“Anytime Natalie steps out of her comfort zone, she acts like this. Always.”
“Act like what?” I asked.
“She just... retreats back to her comfort zone. She doesn’t like new things, but eventually, she comes around.”
“That makes sense,” I said, even though it didn’t. Yes, new things were scary, but Natalie didn’t seem like that type of girl. She seemed like a girl who liked adventure. “So... everything will be OK?”
“Eventually,” he said. “You just need to wait.”
“Right,” I said, and then opened the fridge. “Well, I hope I can manage to wait. I think that…”
“You think that you love her,” he said, and I reacted in shock.
“What do you mean?” I asked. “I didn’t... I mean…”
“It’s written all over your face,” he said. “Whenever you look at her.”
I smiled a bit at that.
“Wow, you’re quite the expert”
“No,” he said. “I’m not. I used to look at someone that way, that’s all.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Natalie told me your story.”
“It’s alright,” he said. “I’ll be reunited with her soon.”
“Don’t talk like that…” I said. I meant it as an upbeat comment, but when I turned around, I saw that something was very wrong. He was white as a sheet and wavering against the kitchen counter. “Ricky, dude? Are you OK?”
“I…” he started and then his face lost what little colour it had left. He pitched forward and I reached out to grab him before he fell. I wasn’t fast enough and his head connected with the counter.
“Ricky!” I yelled as I saw blood spurt everywhere. I knew he was sick, but this was dramatic and incredibly frightening. He didn’t move once he fell, and I was terrified that he was dead