by Jason Luthor
Pretty sure this all got started when we were taking a bunch of turns trying to figure our way around. The part of the hall I’d led us to was all mixed up, like you’d turn one corner and then find yourself staring down an identical hall. Really felt like we were in a maze or something. I don’t know how long that went on, but it felt like forever. Still, I just kept feeling like we were on to something. I was pretty sure that we were about to find, I don’t know, maybe not Jackie, but something important. What we did find was what looked like it used to be an office or lab. Only thing special about the place was the giant hole punched in the ground. So, yeah. That’s where my gut took me.
To nothing.
I know something’s wrong pretty much instantly, ‘cause out of the corner of my eye, I see him. Tommy. He’s got his eye on me, and I see he’s disappointed. Don’t blame him. Guy thinks I’m losing my mind. Might not want to say it, but I can tell. Plus, he’s tired. We all are. Still, even if he’s frustrated, he doesn’t make a big deal out of it. He just shakes his head, looks around, and says, “Alright. Well, let’s get the climbing gear out. We’ve got a drop to make.”
And I guess that’s where Dodger loses it. “Are you joking right now? Another dive? For what? What’re we going to find, Tommy? Another maze?”
“You know what we’re going to find. Who we’re going to find.”
“Jackie? It’s been over a week. We’ve barely been scraping food together along the way. There aren’t any working Pocket Space generators. I mean, we’re running on fumes here. I feel like I’m gonna crash half the time that we’re walking around. What the hell, what the hell, Tommy?”
“Do I really need to explain this? We don’t leave a Scavenger behind. You know that.”
“You have to at least know where they are in the first place before you go looking for them!”
“We’re search and rescue right now. Look, I get that we’re all tired, and nobody wants to keep walking around in the dark. I’m tired too, you know? But, I mean, this is Jackie we’re talking about. She’d do this for us.”
“Jackie’s worth throwing our lives away for? She’s not down here, Tommy. That was more than twenty floors she fell. All we’re going on is Mike’s info, and it’s not like . . .” She looks at me. Wants to call me crazy. I know it. Maybe I am. Feels like it sometimes. Anyway, it’s not like I’m doing anything to help anyone. Just getting us lost, wandering in circles. So, I get why she can’t keep from saying, “It’s not like he’s all here right now.”
“Stop it.”
“Why?” Her finger flies into his face. I can barely watch because it actually hurts to look at them fight. “He’s got no idea where we are, Tommy. Like it or not, nobody’s coming to back us up. If we keep doing this, we’re going to end up who the hell knows where and starving to death. What’s the point in even jumping down another hole for someone we both know is dead?”
“Don’t make me do this, Dodger. Don’t make me say it.”
“Why, Tommy?”
“Because I gave you an order.” Maybe he’s lost it too. “And I am in command until we get Jackie back. Unless you’ve forgotten that.”
Dodger steps back, and everyone just goes quiet. Tommy doesn’t pull rank. Not his style, so it’s shocking to everyone when he does. It rattles me, and I know I’m not the only one that’s bothered. Dodger’s got a lot of spirit, but it does shake her. I can see it. Now, girl’s covering her eyes. Hair looks a mess, and she’s covered in grime. Still doesn’t hide the tears. I’m lucky. I can hide mine. I mean, it’s not as if anyone’s looking my way. Anyway, Tommy sees what I’m seeing, and he just stands there for a second with his hand over his mouth. “Dodger.” She’s holding her temples when she spins away. “Dodger. Look at me.”
“Just a second, please.” I can see her pounding her chest for a minute. She can’t keep her voice from shaking, but she’s talking herself through some heavy breathing. “Shove it down. Just shove it down. Don’t fall apart. Just a little bit longer.” She sucks in wind. Scavenger training’s good for one thing above everything else, and that’s putting your feelings away. Still takes a certain type of person to do it right. It’s become pretty clear that the best Scavengers are the ones who learned early to pack down their pain. Traumatic childhoods do that. I’m not sure what Dodger’s been through, but I can tell there’s some hurt there. She never talks about it, but she’s good at compartmentalizing when you give her a second. It takes her a while, but she finally looks back at Tommy. She’s almost gritting her teeth when she does. “I’m fine. I lost it there for a second. Sorry, sir.” When she says “sir,” it makes him flinch.
“No. No, it’s . . .” His hand runs over his head. Could swear he’s about to cry too, but Tommy’s dad really messed him up when he was younger. Guy wasn’t physically abusive, at least not much, but he did enough. I mean, Tommy’s almost as good as Jackie at cutting off his feelings. “Look. I know it’s a tough situation. I know it. You know it. Mike knows it. I don’t know if Jackie’s alive, alright? You think . . .” His voice hitches and he chokes up for a second. “I have my reasons for thinking she’s alive. I know it’s hard to trust me on this, but I’m asking you to. I get I’m not as good at leading the team as Jackie was. Believe me, I’m trying. If you can’t trust me because of that, then trust me because it’s me. It’s Tommy. You and me, whatever we are . . .”
Those words. She actually looks hopeful for a second. “Yeah?”
“We’ve talked about it, Dodger. I want there to be a right time, but we both know this isn’t it. Hell, it’s definitely not the right place. We’re in death city down here. Maybe we find Jackie and maybe we don’t. You know what I’m hoping. Either way, we’re further down the Tower than we’ve ever been. As far as I know, nobody’s dropped this deep before. If nothing else, that’s got to mean something.”
“Yeah, that’s something.”
“Whether we find her or not, we’re closer to ground level than anyone’s been in forever. We’re this close to getting out of here. Then we can . . . well, we can plan our future, whatever that is, but you know what I’m hoping.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”
“Well, we’re not going to have a future if we just head back the way we came. So, let’s do this. That’s what we came along for in the first place, right? It’s why we all joined up with Jackie?”
“I mean, yeah. That’s why I followed her. That and, obviously, Jackie was pretty cool. I mean, is pretty cool.”
“Right. So, let’s do this.”
She nods, but I guess Tommy’s not done ‘cause he looks my way. “Mike, huddle in here, my man.”
I don’t know what to say at this point. “What’s up?”
“I haven’t been really good about keeping us all talking. That’s on me. Jackie was always trying to get us speaking. Yeah, sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn’t, but she tried. I’ve been locked in on finding her, and I guess I kind of forgot that we’re not getting anywhere if we’re at each other’s throats. She always wanted me to talk to you more, it’s just, I didn’t know where to start. You’re a good guy though, Mike. We’ve all been walking around with some secrets, acting like we’re all fine with each other. I think it’s fair to say that it’s not a great way to get by. So, if you want me to be honest, then yeah. Your powers do freak me out sometimes. You’ve kept a tight lid on them though, so I need you to know that I do trust you.”
“Man. Thanks, Tommy. I’m trying, you know? I know I can sound like I’m jumping out of my own skull when I talk about some of these things. I know how crazy it sounds, talking about seeing her and guys with scythes and—”
“Yeah, believe me, it can sound insane, but we’re in the Deep Creep. This is where things are supposed to get weird.” Then he looks over at Dodger. “And I know you’ve been worried about this search for a while. I should’ve said something sooner, before it turned into a mess. That’s my fault.”
She just shakes her head for a second. “I
should’ve said something. I mean, I know we’re not going to live to laugh about any of this if we’re not talking, especially if we’re the ones trying to chomp each other.” Guess I’m a little surprised she looks at me. “I’m sorry, Mike. I’ve just, I’ve been freaking out a little. Well, maybe a bit more than just a little. You do know I want to find Jackie, right?”
“Psh. Yeah, of course. Never questioned that. It’s just, I need you to know I’m not crazy. Drives me nuts when you look at me like I am. I’m seeing something, Dodger. I know it’s hard to believe, but I know this is the way she came.”
Tommy interrupts. “I believe Mike because of something I heard the other day. It was this metal screeching sound that reminded me of something he said. I didn’t want to bring it up, but if we’re going to come clean then I should probably mention this.”
That’s definitely got Dodger’s ears perking. “What happened, Tommy?”
“Well, let’s get this climbing gear unpacked and swing down to the next floor. I’ll talk about it on the way.”
Jackie’s New Recording: Six
I don’t know how many floors down me and Kelly fell, but this is deeper than the Deep Creep. Something else is going on the further I go, like the world’s going crazy. I remember when this all really started to get to me, when I had that hallucination about Johnny’s birthday party. Then there were the talking Creepers, those endless hallways, and that hallucination of the lab. Plus, not that I should even have to mention it, but there’s always Judge. He’s worse than anything I ever saw or even heard about living back on the upper floors. Still, as intense as things have been, I get seconds when things calm down. The hallucinations stop coming, Judge isn’t around, and life goes back to normal. Well, as normal as things get for a Scavenger. I’m still left sneaking around Creepers in the pitch dark and holding back on using my gun, just in case I need it later. The Tower’s confusing enough, but trying to navigate it in the dark’s just like trying to make your way through a maze. It’s a little exhausting.
If it were just physical, I could deal. It’s the emotionally exhausting part that’s really been eating at me. My body might be hurting, but as long as I have something pushing me, I can find a way to keep moving. That’s why it’s the mental stuff that’s going to break me. I get worried when I’m sitting alone at night, just thinking about how far I’ve fallen and how long it’s been. I’m not even thinking about getting back with the others anymore. The truth is, from what I’ve seen of Judge, the only way I can think of possibly saving the team and myself is by getting out of the Tower. At least, then David Marshall, or Judge, or whatever’s pushing the Creep, won’t come after me anymore and won’t have any reason to go after them. That’s my logic right now, anyway.
I wish . . . I don’t know. I guess I wish a lot of things. I wish I could unload on Tommy and just get all this frustration out. I remember that last hug we had, and how that’d been the first time someone just held onto me that way since my parents. Except, when I think about mom and dad, it just hurts because I wish they were here to hug me and tell me things weren’t going to go any crazier than they already are. Every time I start thinking about them, I can literally remember the smell of mom cooking in the kitchen and bringing out dinner. It was always just what she did when I was little and having one of my patented breakdowns. Mom was almost as smart as dad, and she was definitely a better cook. When I was a kid, she’d take whatever she could find in the kitchen and make miracles. Our food quality might have been terrible at even the best of times, but she was good in the clutch. Whenever I was crying, she’d find some way to whip up something amazing. I guess it’s a little funny how much I associate my parents with our dinner time.
Back then, before dad started acting weird just to keep from getting arrested, I remember him telling me about life further down the Tower. It’s funny. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this at least once, but we used to go down to the lower floors once in a while. I didn’t think about it too much when I was younger, but I actually grew up pretty privileged compared to everyone living on the lower floors. If anyone could have it good in the Tower, we did. We actually got real food from the Scavenging, stuff that was relatively delicious. It wasn’t until I became a Scavenger that I really realized how much better I had it. People I met on the team had a lot of good reasons to be angry at me back then. I was the spoiled rich kid compared to a lot of them.
I guess that’s why dad was always insisting on us using what we had to help out other people. I think I’ve said that he liked helping out on the flower floors. He’d save on a few food cans that were scrounged up from the Scavenging, then after we had enough, we’d head down to, like, Floor 12 or Floor 13. There were a few people he knew down there, and he’d take me to hand out some food. It bugged me back then because I really didn’t understand why we were giving decent tasting mashed potato mix away to people we barely knew.
I love mashed potatoes.
But he’d just smile at me because I didn’t know any better, and he’d tell me, “Because it’s the right thing to do, Jacko. You should always be thinking about some way you can help out. Life’s tough enough already without us looking out for each other.”
“But it’s our food,” I remember protesting.
“Right,” he’d say. “But if you’re always thinking about just yourself, you’ll end up hurting a lot of people along the way. You’d be surprised how putting people first, even just by being a friend, can change life for the better. Giving up something for someone else means taking a chance. You take the chance that they’ll remember what you did and that they’ll try and do the same thing for other people. That’s what makes people’s lives better, not just for a little while, but forever. The more people help each other, the more lives get changed, and the more people keep passing it on.”
“So, we’re supposed to just give away our stuff?”
“I know how it sounds, and it can definitely get hard. You have to think about why you’re doing what you’re doing. I think that the people around here deserve someone looking out for them, but if doing the right thing was easy, then everybody would do it. Yeah, sometimes you have to make hard choices, but you can either give up, or you can fight. Just like in sports, Jackie. If you want to make a difference, then you have to fight.”
“Okay, but then what do you win?”
I remember him laughing a little. “Hopefully, you win by making someone’s life better. That’s the best kind of victory.”
Maybe I didn’t really get it at the time. The truth is that I probably forgot the point during all those years I went without my parents being themselves. I think I just decided most of what they’d taught me was stupid. That memory though? Yeah. Maybe that’s what I’m hanging onto right now. When I joined the Scavengers, it was to find a way out of this Tower, not just for me, but everyone. Especially my parents. I almost died trying to save Dodger from getting eaten once. Then, the day we saved Mike, I took a bullet for Commander Abbott, and I’d started the trip hating that man. I guess what I’m saying is that, the longer I’m down here, the more dad’s words actually mean something. If I were to try and find some semi-decent explanation for why I’m doing what I’m doing, why I can’t give up, then it’s because I’m trying to help people. I’m not just trying to get out of here. I’m here to help mom and dad and Tommy. Everyone, if I think hard enough about it. I don’t know if it was the smart thing to do and jump down that hole, but I know it was the only thing I felt would save my friends. I don’t know if that’s going to pay off. I don’t know if the team’s okay. I just . . . I have to keep believing that they are. Even if I never see them again . . . even if I can’t have the life I want . . . as long as I have them to think about, as long as I still have to get my parents out of the Tower, then there’s one thing I’m going to keep doing for as long as I’m breathing.
Fight.
Tommy’s Recording 22
You know, something you told me a little while back keeps si
tting in the back of my head. A life in roses. You remember that, right, Jackie? I mean, you brought it up in the first place, before all this craziness got started. I think about it once in a while, what you meant by that. The longer I’m down here, seeing everything I’m seeing and thinking about everything you told me . . . how you spent all those years wishing you could just hang out with your parents again, and how much you wish you could have had some real friends . . .
I get it. I get why you hated me for so long. I mean, yeah, I teased you when we were kids, but I was a dumb kid too. You know, when you’re ten, you do a bunch of stupid stuff. Hell, I’m older, and I still end up doing a bunch of stupid stuff. I was always angry back then because of how my dad treated me. You know, not to rehash it, but with all the drinking and arguing . . . I don’t know. When I was younger, I wanted to prove I was worth something to someone. And, when we were on the same baseball team together, you were one of the people I competed against all the time. I couldn’t let anyone be better than me. Everything I was doing was about proving myself. I mean, what else do you do when your dad tells you you’re worthless?
I didn’t . . . well, I couldn’t know what would happen between you and your parents. I didn’t know you’d spend half your life feeling like you’d been abandoned. So, I get it. I understand why it was hard for you to trust me. I was just one more person you’d met that treated you bad. Really, it took all that time in Scavenger training just to patch up the friendship. Even when we were getting to know each other again, I kept calling you Jacko because I knew you hated it.