And yet, here we were.
“You asked me if I ever lied to you,” he said. “Then you told me you weren’t afraid of me. When are you gonna stop lyin’ to me?”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even know how to answer that.
He was right; I was totally fucking afraid of him… and what he could do to me.
“You’ve spent all your life tryin’ to prove to everyone around that you’re a tough girl. I know you’re strong, Roni. You don’t have to prove that to me.”
I said nothing.
“Maybe you’ve just never let yourself consider that we could have a relationship where you don’t end up gettin’ hurt.”
“Maybe,” I said, my voice small.
I knew I was getting hurt. No matter how this played out, I was getting hurt, right?
I knew he was leaving soon, that after the New Year’s Eve event I might never even see him again. That in the New Year he’d be leaving on tour.
That there would be other women for him.
I’d always known that. His life was with the band, the MC.
But there would be no one else for me. I knew that by now; that he was the only man for me.
If I couldn’t have him, what then? A life of empty loves with the wrong men, my mom’s fucked up life?
“Maybe you don’t have to try so hard to protect yourself from me.”
Yeah. Maybe that too.
“Maybe you could let me in.”
I just stared at him.
“I’ve grown up,” he said. “Somewhat.”
“I know that.”
“I’m never gonna push you around, Roni, in any way.”
“I know that, too.” My voice actually trembled. “But… don’t you know there are worse ways you can hurt me than that?”
He didn’t answer that.
“That man who pushed me out the door?” I said. “I didn’t love him.”
Jude took another slow step toward me.
“I know I’ve walked away from you, more than once,” he said. “And that cut you. I meant it to cut you. But like I said, I grew up. I’m here, but you’ve gotta meet me in the fuckin’ middle, V. You’ve gotta step into it. You can’t lie to me. You can’t stand there and act like you don’t need me. Like I’m not the one for you, if that’s what I am. Like you’re never gonna give me a chance to win back your trust.”
I knew I’d been doing that. Holding myself back. Withholding my trust.
But I just didn’t know he knew it.
I’d never lied to myself about my feelings for him.
But I’d definitely lied to him.
“I want to be with you,” he said. “I want you. I’ve always wanted you. Like you have no idea how fuckin’ much. But I gotta tell you, I would never take anything less than all of you, V.”
Oh my God. Warmth flooded me, hearing those words…
I want you.
I’ve always wanted you.
I’d been waiting so long to hear those words out of Jude’s mouth… it was like I’d been waiting my whole damn life.
It felt like I’d forgotten to breathe for a while, so I sucked in some air. Then I took a tentative step toward him.
“Okay. So… this is all of me. I do trust you. I trust you with my life,” I told him, and it was the truth. “I guess it’s just my heart I’m a little more precious about.”
“Yeah.” He smiled a bit, but it was a sad smile. “I got that.”
“And you’ve gotta step into it, too,” I told him. “I want all of you, and then some. I want everything you’ve got and everything you didn’t even know you had to give. I want it all, and I want it now. I’m greedy, and I’m not a patient woman, Jude Grayson.”
“Yeah.” His smile deepened. “I got that, too.”
“I don’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting for you.”
“I know. I’m here, darlin’. I’m in.”
I nodded, absorbing that.
I’m in.
Holy shit…
I took another deep breath. I was shaking a little, all over. Still scared, maybe, that he was going to change his mind and push me away—again. “I can learn to trust, Jude. Maybe it just doesn’t come so easily for me or my heart.”
His smile faltered, his eyes softening in a way that made me totally melt. “I’m sorry I broke it.”
“You did,” I said, and the tears welled up in my eyes so fast I couldn’t stop them.
He started to reach for me and I knew he was gonna pull me into his arms. But before he could pull me close, I took that final step and wrapped my arms around him instead.
He hugged me tight as I put my head on his chest. He rested his chin on my head and said, “You broke mine too, V. I know you didn’t mean to, but you did.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“No sense bein’ sorry for something that was never your fault.”
“I should’ve seen it sooner,” I said, shaking my head.
“Seen what?”
I looked up into his face, into his gorgeous dark eyes. “That you were the one.”
He kissed me then, softly and without any tongue. I could feel his heartbeat in his lips against mine. He tasted of bourbon and pineapple and cloves.
“I take it you liked the ham…” I murmured.
I peeked up into his face and he raised an eyebrow at me.
“You are the one, Jude Grayson.”
I pressed my body up into his to keep warm, and as his gaze held mine, I felt that undeniable spark between us catch fire… seconds before he slammed his mouth down over mine. And this time, there was a lot of tongue.
“You still cryin’?” he asked me after a few minutes of making out. “’Cause I’m gettin’ turned on, and I don’t wanna be that guy.”
“I’m not crying. I’m horny.” I kissed him again. “I don’t do the crying thing very often. Horny is more my style.”
“Good. ’Cause I really don’t wanna see you cry.” He wiped the remnants of a tear off my cold cheek with his thumb. “C’mon. Let’s go inside before we turn into snowmen.”
We headed through the nearest doorway seeking warmth—which happened to be the French doors that led into Jessa and Brody’s bedroom. As soon as we were inside and slipping off our jackets, I grabbed his arm, tugging him back. “We don’t have to go back down right away though, right? I mean, I’d pretty much finished my dinner.”
“Me too.”
I tugged him into the en suite bathroom and we shut the door, and he immediately yanked my leather leggings down around my ankles. By the time he’d done that, his dick was in his hand, hard and ready.
“Damn, you work fast.”
He grinned his gorgeous, rare grin. “Aim to please.”
Before he got all cocky about it, I informed him, “You know, you look like your brother when you grin.”
The smile faltered and his eyes narrowed at me. “Do not talk to me about my brother when my dick’s out.”
I grinned and kissed him, kicking off my boots, then shimmied my panties down around my ankles, pulling both feet completely free of the leggings and panties. I wrapped one naked leg around his hip as he put on a condom. “I love it when you come all prepared like a Boy Scout.”
“I know you do.” Then he shoved into me. He gripped my ass with his big hands, hiking me up on his hips, and I wrapped both legs around him. He carried me toward the counter, looking for somewhere to put me.
“Oh. Please don’t do me on the counter,” I said. It was just too reminiscent of the whole Piper thing, the conversation too fresh. He seemed to understand, and put me up against the door instead. He hooked his arms under my thighs and looked in my eyes.
Then, just when I’d braced myself, expecting him to start pounding, he kissed me instead, slow and deep.
Then he eased his cock into me, filling me slowly… and a warm rush that felt like love and lust all mixed up together spread through my body.
I closed my eyes, just savoring i
t.
“I ever tell you I love you, Roni Webber?” Jude murmured in his low, rough voice.
I opened my eyes. He was looking at me, his gaze intent on my mouth.
“Not in so many words. Or any words, really. But… I kinda knew. For maybe five minutes. You know, before you broke my heart.”
His dark eyes met mine. “I love you.”
Then he kissed me, hot and deep, as he fucked me against the bathroom door. It was slow but it was passionate and it was Jude, so at some point I definitely heard the door or the door frame crack behind me.
“Oh, shit…” I was right on the edge of orgasm when it happened. “I think… baby, I think we broke the door.”
“Mmm,” he said, kissing my neck as he thrust into me one last time—and I fell apart. The pleasure slammed through me… Christmas fireworks gradually fading to yuletide logs sparking in the night.
My legs quickly turned to jelly, so I had to unwrap them from his hips and put my feet on the floor. I shoved gently at his chest. “Lie down.”
He lay down on the floor and I climbed on, ramming my hips against him as I took him in a fast, hungry pace… gasping and sweating until we both went over, together.
As I sat on top of him, my hands on his chest, panting and slowly rocking my hips, we both kinda floated back to reality. I asked him, “Did I mention that I love you, too?”
“You inferred.”
“Great. Then I guess you don’t need to hear it…”
He ran his hands up under my sweater and squeezed my breasts through my bra. “Don’t be a brat. I wanna hear it.”
“I love you, Jude.”
“Say it again, darlin’.”
I reached to place my hands on the floor on either side of his head, and lowered my chest down to his. He extracted his hands from my sweater to bury them in my hair. I whispered, “I. Love. You. Jude.” I put a kiss on his face between each word.
He smoothed my hair back from my face and we kissed for a couple of minutes. Just kissed, over and over.
Then he sighed, a deep, satisfied sigh. “Guess we should get up. Floor’s cold, and you know I gotta go pound my brother’s head into the concrete now.”
“Why?”
“For bein’ rude to you.”
I smiled. Then, just to be certain… “You really didn’t put him up to that?”
“Fuck, no. You think I’d let anyone talk to you like that?”
Guess not.
“Please,” I said softly. “No head pounding on my account. But… I wouldn’t be totally opposed to you bitch slapping him in front of everyone. I mean, if you think it’s necessary.”
He grinned. “I’ll seriously consider that.”
When I walked back down to the party room, Jude right behind me, Jesse was standing there at the bottom of the stairs like he’d been waiting for us.
“All good?” he asked.
“Yup,” Jude said. We’d stopped, but we stood about a foot apart. I wanted to slip my arm around his waist, but something held me back.
Despite his declaration of love to me in a bathroom, while his dick was in me, I still wasn’t exactly sure if he’d want me to.
Men could be weird like that.
“Pipe’s out back,” Jesse said, “having a beer with Brody.”
“Yeah. Let him stay there. Hope his nuts freeze off.”
Jesse smirked, then looked at me. “You want a drink, Roni?”
And that small kindness from Jude’s best friend went straight to my heart. “Yeah. I’d love that. One of those delicious ciders your wife made. With some booze in it.”
“You can get me a bourbon or something, since you’re gettin’,” Jude said.
“Coming up.”
And just like that, Jesse Mayes, rock star, headed off to get me a drink.
“You okay?” Jessa approached and ran her hand down my arm, giving me her worried mommy look.
“I’m good.”
“She’s perfect,” Jude said. “Think I broke your bathroom door, though. Tell your man to send me the bill.” Then he slipped his hand into mine.
Jessa saw it. “Okay, then.” She looked at me and when I smiled, she gave me a dorky smile right back, one that reminded me of when we were teenagers.
“Don’t look now,” I said, giving Jude’s hand a little squeeze as Jessa turned away, “but you’re holding my hand in front of everyone.”
“Yup. Got a problem with it?”
“Nope.”
“Good. ’Cause I’m about to drag you under that ball of mistletoe over there and kiss the fuck out of you, too.”
“That one?” I pointed at the mistletoe that hung over the windows, by the tree.
“That one.”
“Everyone’s gonna see it.”
“Which is exactly why I’m gonna do it.”
And that was exactly what he did.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Jude
I walked backstage, feeling the electric energy of the crowd building out front. The opening band had finished their set a little while ago and everything was set for Dirty to take the stage.
Everyone who was supposed to be here was here, and so far the New Year’s Eve event was rolling smoothly along.
Jessa and Nick had come by early, before the opening band went on, to take a look around and fawn over Roni’s success. Then Bishop had taken them home.
I’d already been here for hours doing my thing, and so had Roni. And every time I glimpsed her across the room, or down some hall, talking to people and looking like she did… I got proud. I got a soft, warm feeling in my chest that I liked, a fuck of a lot.
On Christmas Day, I’d taken her to Christmas dinner at my mom’s place, and if there’d been any shred of doubt left in my mind that Roni Webber was the woman for me (there wasn’t), seeing the instant mutual affection and respect between her and my mom would’ve erased it. I couldn’t think of much that would make me melt more than the two most important women in my life getting along.
Piper had even managed to dig up some manners and generally keep his mouth shut.
In the small area right behind the stage and off to one side, I found the band hanging out; just Brody and the members of Dirty. This was there sacred space where no one else would be allowed to join in. This was how it’d been on the first world tour, and we’d decided it was a good practice to bring back. Give the band a few minutes together before they went onstage, with no one else in the way. No one but me and Brody. Maggie was welcome too, but knowing her, she’d stay out of the way anyway, unless she was needed.
I could see down behind the stage to a hall that ran underneath, where a bunch of crew and security were hanging out. And there was Roni, looking gorgeous as fuck in her black silk blouse, tight black skirt and fuck-me heels, her black hair all smoothed down and her lips a glossy red that I was gonna enjoy seeing all over my dick later.
“She did great, yeah?” Brody said, beside me.
“Yeah,” I said. “She did incredible.”
Then Brody shook my hand and pulled me in for a hug, because that’s what he always did before a show.
I moved over to Jesse, and when he saw me, he nodded over toward Elle and Seth. Elle was looking curvy, the little baby bump in her belly showing through her short, gold-glitter dress.
“The fuck are we gonna do without her?” Jesse said.
“Don’t know. Gotta say, it’s not gonna be the best.” I couldn’t really see anyone else onstage with Dirty playing bass. Elle had been with the band since the beginning. “You all need each other to make this thing what it is. What it’s supposed to be.”
“Yeah. Kinda makes the having-Seth-back thing a little anticlimactic. Won’t be the five of us up there.”
“Yeah, but tonight it will. So… enjoy it.” I clapped him on the shoulder, and he gave me a big-ass hug. I couldn’t even imagine what it would’ve been like if I’d told him I wasn’t coming on the tour. Jesse had never toured without me.
&nbs
p; Even if I’d ever told him I was considering not coming on the tour, he’d probably have thrown a world class hissy and trashed the place.
I went to check on Dylan and Seth and Elle. Dylan was kicked back in his kilt, one foot up on his other knee, drumming on his boot. His usual pose before a show. Seth and Elle were standing next to him, his arm around her waist.
“You good?” I asked Elle. Not like I’d know what to do if she wasn’t; the baby in her belly was more of a lady issue than I was accustomed to handling. But I’d get Maggie on it quick, if she needed anything.
“I’m good. I’m sad,” she said, right through her soft smile. I could see it in her eyes. She was torn. We were all torn about her leaving the tour.
“Well, we’ll take care of you on the road, you know that. Whatever you need, you’ll have it. Keep you comfortable while your man does his thing.”
“I know that,” she said, and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks, Jude.”
Then I shook Seth’s hand. “It’s gonna be a good year, brother,” I told him, looking him steady in the eyes. Of all the men in our little family, I was pretty sure I was happier than anyone, save maybe Zane, that Seth was back with the band.
“Yeah,” he said, “it is.” Then he pulled me in for a hug.
“You gonna play ‘Blackout’ for me tonight?” It was my favorite song from the new album; the heaviest song.
“Yup,” he said, and I patted him on the back.
Then I dropped down into a squat next to Dylan. “You good?”
“Yeah, man. How’s it look out there?”
“Looks like a bunch of horny kids lookin’ to party. Few MILFs, few hipsters, few bikers, the usual.”
He grinned.
“Saw Ash out there with some piece,” I told him, and I watched his smile kinda fade. “Lookin’ pretty rough.”
“Yeah. I saw him.”
“That kid gonna be okay?”
“He’s fine.”
“You know,” I said, “you ever want him to stop comin’ to Dirty shows, you just gotta say the word.” I felt like it needed to be said. I had no problem with Ash. But if he was causing problems for Dylan, for his performance, or just fucking with his head, that wasn’t gonna stand.
Dirty Like Jude: A Dirty Rockstar Romance (Dirty, Book 5) Page 29