Blue breathed through her nose. An image came to her—a
game the four of them used to play over long, boring sum-
mers, tying rubber bands around a watermelon until it burst
from the pressure. She could still recall that visceral squeeze, the anticipation of the explosion, not knowing when it would
come, how destructive it would be. Now she imagined her
own brain being wrapped in rubber bands, tighter and tighter.
“I cannot even believe…” She was still thin on air. “This
is the worst stunt you’ve ever pulled. And that’s saying a lot.”
“That is actually saying a lot,” Maya admitted.
Blue glared at her.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re not.”
“I honestly didn’t know you’d react this way.”
“Oh really? You didn’t know I’d react this way? Right.
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Then why didn’t you tell me up front? You knew. And you
did it anyway.”
“Look. I knew you wouldn’t be thrilled but I didn’t realize…
I invited her before we left—just for the day! But then when
I told you about the call and you got so mad about it…well…
I should’ve uninvited her then but I just…didn’t know how.”
“You say, ‘Hey, sorry, I screwed up. You’re not invited.’ It’s not hard. And why on earth would she think she would be invited here? It’s my nana’s house!”
Maya grimaced. “I may have possibly mentioned you were
okay with it.”
Blue gaped at her. She rubbed her hands over her face.
“Please just come say hi. I know you hate me right now
but please.”
“No.”
“She’s already seen you. Don’t make it weird.”
“Tell her it was a hologram. That I’m really back in New
York.”
Maya looked at her helplessly.
“I cannot believe you did this to me.”
“I didn’t do it to you—I did it for you. I love and adore you and I would never want to hurt you. I wanted to make
things better.”
“For you.”
“For all of us.”
“You can’t. And it isn’t your place to try.”
“Okay. I get that now. It was ill conceived. I may have a
habit of things like that.”
“May?”
“But still, I would consider it a huge, humongous, gigantic
undeserved favor if you would just come say hi…”
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“The favor was me agreeing to come on your spontaneous
trip, paying for the rental car, supplying the house,” Blue said.
“The other favor is me not kicking your ass.”
“I’ve seen you throw a punch. I’m not scared.”
“No, you haven’t. When?”
“Mark Tarrington. Eighth grade. He snapped your bra.
You tried to punch him. He ducked. You lost your balance
and fell into a pond.”
“Oh, right. He was an asshole,” Blue said. And then return-
ing to the present moment, “And so are you.”
“It’s true. I am. Now come on. Ten minutes. Then I’ll ask
her—gently—to leave.”
“No.”
Renee was calling from the driveway. “Maya?”
Maya turned back to Blue, whispered, “Please.”
Blue whispered back, “No.”
“I’ll give you twenty bucks.”
“You don’t have twenty bucks.”
“But if I did, I would give it to you.” Maya made a plead-
ing puppy-dog face.
Blue sighed. It was so hard to stay mad at Maya—a fact that
itself made her mad. And she knew it would make her look pa-
thetic and petty not to go back out there. It would give Renee the impression that Blue actually cared. Which she absolutely did not. Not at all. “Go away. I need a cigarette.”
“Okay.” Maya said. “That’s not a no, so I’ll take it.”
Blue watched Maya walk back to the front. She could see
Renee through the bushes that separated the yard from the
driveway. That profile so familiar, so deeply imprinted on her.
She took in the changes in her face, her hair, her clothes—a
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creeping, announced itself loudly. How inexplicably grown-up
they were, how they had done this growing apart. There was
a sudden ache in her throat made of history. The recognition
of a different version of this story where that night hadn’t happened. Where she would run out and tackle-hug Renee, both
of them talking over each other in their excitement.
She looked at her cigarette pack, decided it wouldn’t do
enough, pulled out her vape pen, pressed the button and in-
haled. It was all she could do, all she knew how to do, to let the pot fuzz the edges of her brain, settle like soft foam over her nervous system.
She should just leave. Go back to Manhattan. Return the
rental car. Spend the weekend catching up with work. Let
them figure out their own transportation! In fact, to hell with it, why not? She had better things to do than screw around
at the beach.
But then—Jack. And besides, Hannah was innocent. It
wouldn’t be fair to her.
She leaned back against the house, followed the pot with
an emergency cigarette. She was smoking too much but whatever, screw it. Everything was an emergency right now. Her life. This trip. She breathed deep, as if she could smother the slow rise of old things, that terrible susurrus of darkness rearing up. Wordless, imageless memory in her body, in her cells.
The bottomless unanswered call of her eighteen-year-old self: Help me, someone help me!
She bit down on the memory, looked out at the blotchy
sunlight through the canopy of trees, a kid on a bike in his
driveway riding up and down, up and down, lonely as the
moon’s rise and set.
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HANNAH
Hannah wanted to run after Blue. But there was Renee, who
she hadn’t seen in twelve years, standing alone in the driveway looking wide-eyed and uncertain, her arms drooping with the
weight of the spurned wine and flowers.
She didn’t know what to do. Just when she was settling into
the trip, Maya had to throw in a plot twist. She was already
stressed after the night at the motel, turbulent weather brewing at the edges of her. She could sense it like the first ripples of chop on a pre-storm sea.
Hannah made a decision. Hoped Blue would forgive her.
“Renee!” she said, stepping onto the porch.
Renee’s face smoothed slightly. Hannah took in her stylish
haircut, her effortful clothes in the latest fashion, her flawless makeup. There was something slightly different about her face.
Older, of course, but something else that unsettled Hannah
because she couldn’t put her finger on it. Botox? Plastic sur-gery? Still it was Renee. Renee! And though her eyes needed
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to catch up to this new version, her heart did not. Years could pass, the mind could forget, but the heart always remembered.
They hugged and Hannah said, “Hi, hi, hi!” trying to talk
over the growing, obvious absence of Maya and Blue.
Renee kept smiling but her eyes betrayed her, had that look
she always got when any sort of conflict was present, flitting around for somewhere to flee. She stepped back. Held Hannah’s hands in hers. “You look wonderful,” she said. “I should go.”
Hannah opened her mouth to say no. She didn’t want
Renee to go. But then—Blue would be so hurt. She couldn’t
betray her like that. Instead she tilted her head, met Renee’s eyes to convey her wish that it could be otherwise.
“It’s fine,” Renee said. “I actually have a million other
things I should be doing anyway. A wedding to plan, if Maya
didn’t tell you.” She lit up suddenly as if talking herself back into joy. “I’m marrying the most amazing guy.”
“Yes! I’d heard. That’s so great—I’m really happy for you.”
She smiled as warmly as she could, trying to mirror Renee’s
sudden mood shift, sustain connection with her darting eyes.
Even when they were kids, it could feel like trying to lasso a spooked horse once Renee’s fear kicked in. She was the friend they had to navigate a little more carefully. No direct confrontation. Constructive criticisms carefully Bubble Wrapped
inside layers of compliments. It was never discussed. They all intuitively understood that Renee had a certain fragility that couldn’t bear the frankness they used with one another.
Hannah had never minded the extra work. When they
were thirteen, she’d slept over at Renee’s house a few times.
After Renee’s dad had left, her mother had taken a night job
at a restaurant and often stayed after her shift to drink with her coworkers. Sometimes she brought a strange man home
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who made Hannah uneasy when she passed him in the hall-
way. Eventually Renee’s mom married the creep. Renee said
that none of it bothered her, and yet every night she carefully lined up her stuffed animals like guards around her bed, a
teddy bear fortress. “I can’t sleep otherwise,” she’d explained, embarrassed. Even at thirteen, Hannah recognized the need
for a sense of safety, no matter how false. She couldn’t have articulated it, but she felt it.
As Renee got older, the bears were retired and instead her
fortress became that plastered smile, those fleeing eyes, her well-cultivated beauty. Very few people were ever allowed to
penetrate the façade, and, even then, admittance seemed pre-
carious, easily retracted. Only Blue had been trusted enough
to be allowed complete access to Renee’s heart.
Now Renee handed Hannah the wine and flowers. “Tell
Maya—”
“Tell Maya what?” Maya said, reappearing in the driveway.
“That I’m leaving.” Renee said.
“What? No, you can’t!”
Renee shook her head. “You told me Blue was okay with
this.”
“She is!” Maya said. “She’s completely fine with it.”
Hannah shot her an incredulous look. Maya discreetly
nudged her.
Renee glanced toward the side porch where Blue had dis-
appeared, crossed her arms and gave Maya a pointed stare.
“Or she will be. Look, I’m not saying she’s doing cart-
wheels about it—”
“Right,” Renee said. “So I gotta go. It was great seeing
you guys, but…” She held out her arms for a goodbye hug.
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Maya grabbed Renee’s wrists, lowered them. “Just give her
a minute, would you? I sort of sprung this on her.”
“And on me,” Renee said, a momentary flash of emotion
leaking out from behind her composure. She shook her hands
free. “You lied to me. I never would have come.”
“I did. But only because—well, because you wouldn’t have
come.”
“For good reason.”
“No, it isn’t! Come on, Renee. You drove all this way. And
you know you guys need to fix this shit.”
“What do you expect me to do?” Renee eyed her car. “You
saw her.” She looked at Hannah for backup.
Hannah nodded vigorously. Blue definitely did not look
thrilled.
“Look,” Renee said, “maybe we can hang out some other
time. Just the three of us.” Her eyes perked at the thought.
“We could do lunch in SoHo. That’d be fun.”
“We’re not doing lunch in SoHo,” Maya said, and Re-
nee’s face fell. “I don’t think you quite understand how hard it is to get this one—” she nodded toward Hannah “—to go
anywhere.”
Hannah was momentarily offended and then conceded this
was true with a little side shrug.
“Listen,” Maya continued. “Don’t leave. It’s too important.”
“Not to Blue,” Renee said.
“You don’t know that. And if you go now, you never will.”
Renee sighed, looked longingly toward the road.
The air was suddenly thin and difficult, gassed with sadness.
“This might be your last chance, ya know,” Maya said. “The
house is for sale. All three of us are almost never in the same place. Right now you have me and Hannah as a buffer—and
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I seriously doubt you and Blue will ever work it out on your
own. So it’s kind of now or never. And if you decide you can’t come inside for ten minutes, then fine. That’s your decision.
But just be perfectly clear with yourself that you’re giving up without even trying. On you. And on us. And on Blue. But
whatever. I’m not going to pressure you.”
“Ha!” Hannah said.
She and Renee locked eyes.
“Just ten minutes,” Maya said.
“But no pressure,” Hannah said, getting a half smile out
of Renee.
“An hour, tops. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Renee bit her cuticle, looked to Hannah for feedback.
Hannah felt Maya’s elbow in her ribs. She elbowed her back
harder. Smiled at Renee. “I want you to stay too,” she said
carefully. “It’d be really nice to catch up. I haven’t seen you in forever. But I also don’t want you to be uncomfortable. And I don’t want Blue to be uncomfortable either.”
Maya groaned. “What’s so wrong with being uncomfort-
able? Sometimes it’s necessary. You think pouring alcohol on
a cut isn’t uncomfortable? But that’s how you kill the infec-
tion. That’s what starts the healing.”
“Actually,” Hannah said, “doctors advise that plain soap
and water is best.”
Maya gave her a hard stare.
“Just saying,” Hannah said. She turned to Renee. “Maybe
she has a point. It could be a good thing.” Based on Blue’s behavior, she wasn’t sure that was true, but technically it couldn’t be ruled out. “I mean, if I were you, I think I’d do it. And
I’m afraid of everything.”
Renee chewed her lip. She looked at the house, at her car,
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back to the house. There was something else, something new
moving into her eyes. “Okay. Ten minutes. Literally ten. And
then I’m out.”
“Hooray!” Maya said.
“Hooray,” Hannah said. She thought of what Blue’s reac-
tion would be. Wondered if it was too early for Xanax.
They headed inside in single file as if traversing a simple suspension bridge, everything tense and wobbly as they crossed the strange terrain of such a loaded reunion. Across Nana’s drift-wood floors scuffed by years of sandy feet, past the minimalist furniture in the living room, the mindless summer reads lined up on the shelf, and back into the kitchen. Hannah remembered the first time she’d walked into this house, standing in that beautiful foyer, the light so soft and pretty it felt staged for a photo. Her whole body had breathed, deep and free.
Now everything was stressful. The silence strained against
her desire to break it. She couldn’t think of what to say. She didn’t know how to be around Renee anymore. It was so
strange the way they were struggling with the most basic interaction when once they’d been like particles in a quantum en-
tanglement. She tried to remember how it all went down, how
they’d gotten so separated from Renee to begin with. In the
aftermath of that night, they’d spent so many hours together, in and out of the police station giving witness statements, long nights in the hospital waiting to find out if Henry’s condition would improve. Everyone operating in a zombielike daze. The
anxiety was relentless, and whatever life there was beyond
Henry was happening on the periphery of her consciousness.
Dimly she recalled Blue actively avoiding Renee, the two of
them sitting on opposite sides of the waiting room. But at the time Hannah had no energy for anyone else’s dramas. All she
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cared about was Henry waking up. Then somehow amid all
of that, September appeared, its sharp blue skies startling her with the reality that life kept moving, had not stopped for
him. Her friends were, unfathomably, off to college. She re-
membered Renee stopping at her house to say goodbye, her
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