by SJ West
All I can think to say to her is, “I’m sorry.”
My mother opens her arms to me, and I readily accept her loving, nonjudgmental embrace.
“Please, don’t ever do that again, Liana,” she says, holding me tight. “Killing yourself is not an answer to this problem. We’ll figure it out together.”
I don’t say anything, because I don’t think words can properly convey how deeply sorry I am for attempting to take my own life.
“I want to go home,” I tell her.
We quickly say our goodbyes to my grandparents, and my mom phases us back to Laed-i. Gathered in the living room of the castle are not only the members of my family (including Lucas), but also Cal, his parents, Jered, and Desmond. From the somber looks on their faces, I can tell the news of my attempted suicide has reached them all. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for what I did, and I’m not sure how to proceed from here.
Thankfully, my dad walks up to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders, drawing me in so I can rest my head against his chest.
“I love you.” His voice cracks with emotion, and I know without him having to say it that I caused him pain beyond measure by trying to take my own life. He doesn’t say anything else because he doesn’t have to. All I need to know is that I still have the support and love of my family to see me through the hard times the future is sure to bring. As they all express their love and support, I have faith that I’ll make it through whatever plans my Aunt Helena has in store for me in the years to come.
Chapter 18
(Liana’s Point of View)
“You’re not looking very well, Liana.”
I stare hard at my Aunt Helena from my position in the doorway of her cottage in Hell. Her mocking words reverberate inside my mind like an echo meant to torment me even more than I already am because of her selfishness.
“And whose fault is that?” I ask irritably, feeling my temper flare white-hot and needing a target to burn. “It was all of your scheming that made me into what I am today. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be coming here all the time to get what I need just to survive.”
Aunt Helena tilts her head as she considers me. She doesn’t look pleased by my sickly appearance, but she doesn’t exactly seem upset by it either, not like my family does every time I’m around them. Whenever one of them looks at me, all I see is pity in their eyes, which only exacerbates the emptiness I feel inside.
“Come closer, Liana,” my aunt says, holding out one of her pale, willowy arms like a beacon of comfort. “I will give you what you need to ease the pain.”
I fight the urge to go to her, but my weakness wins out in the end. I walk over to the couch and kneel down before her. She pats her lap with her hands.
“Rest your head, so I can help you.”
“You’re not helping me,” I say, even as I reluctantly obey and lay my head on her lap like she instructed. “You’re just strengthening the bond we share even more. I might be addicted to what you give me, but I’m not delusional enough to believe it’s actually helping me.”
“True,” she croons as she begins to gently play with my long white hair. “But it takes away your pain, doesn’t it?”
“For a time,” I admit as I close my eyes and wait for her to feed me.
“Just relax,” she murmurs softly. “Everything will be all right. There’s no shame in taking what you need to make life bearable. This is just who you are now, Liana.”
“Just do it!” I shout angrily, hating myself for being so weak and coming to her yet again.
“The last time you were here, you told me your family would be vacationing on Laed-i this week,” she says, withholding her power to help me to make idle chitchat. “I thought you usually started those vacations on Cal’s birthday, not before it.”
“What does it matter when we go?” I ask, becoming aggravated with her delay tactics.
“I suppose it doesn’t,” she replies. “It just seems odd is all. Since you don’t come see me every night like you used to, I have to catch up on what your family is doing on these occasions when the pain becomes too great for you to stay away. Really, Liana, it seems rather selfish of you to only come when you need something from me.”
I laugh harshly. “I guess what my dad always said about you is true. You are the queen bitch of Hell.”
“Luckily for you, I am,” Aunt Helena says just before she begins to transfer energy from her domain into my body in order to satisfy the ache I feel through the seal I carry. “How does it feel to have my power pulse through your veins, even if it’s only a temporary sensation? You know, I blame your father for making you so weak with his blood. Your mother was able to withstand the power of the seals just fine. Although, I do have to admit she only had to carry them for a short time. How long has it been, Liana? Two years now since Silas stole the bracelet from you? I suppose there’s still enough of your mother inside you to help stave off the seal’s effects.”
I don’t reply because I know I don’t have to. I sigh in relief as I feel the pain in my body just begin to subside. Then the salve that’s easing my agony is suddenly removed as Aunt Helena removes her hands from me. I lift my head slowly to look at her from my kneeling position.
“Why did you quit?” I ask her. She has to know what she gave me isn’t going to be enough to even last me the day.
“I was just thinking that if I give you less, maybe you will come visit me more frequently,” she replies.
“Why do you care how often I come here?” I ask, letting my anger at her selfishness show.
“I miss our nightly chats,” she tells me. “I get rather bored here with no one to have an intelligent conversation with, but maybe if I refrain from giving you all that you need from me, you’ll be more willing to come see me on a regular basis again.”
“That’s extortion!” I say irately.
“And what’s your point?” she asks, truly baffled by my surprise at her deviousness. “I don’t believe I’ve ever made myself out to be someone who doesn’t do things for her own benefit. I’ve never actually lied to you, Liana. You can at least appreciate that much about me.”
I shake my head at my aunt in true amazement. “Have you ever cared for anyone besides yourself?”
“Yes,” she admits. “But it only brought me heartache and unending pain, so I do my best not to care for people anymore.”
“I’ve come to see you practically every day of my life,” I tell her. “I even defended you when some members of my family told me you were a lost cause. Don’t you care about me at all, Aunt Helena? Or have I always just been a pawn in this sadistic game you’re playing against my mother and God?”
“If I’m being truthful,” she replies, averting her gaze from mine to look at her red skirt as she straightens an imaginary wrinkle in it with a swipe of her right hand across the silk, “I care about you more than I wish to, but not enough to make me halt my plans for you.”
“I’ll never do what you want me to do,” I state stubbornly. “I’ll never open the seal in Heaven.”
Aunt Helena smiles at me sweetly. “Oh, I think you will, my dear. In fact, I believe the time is so close at hand that you can feel it too. The pain is getting worse, isn’t it?”
I don’t say anything because she already knows the answer to that question.
“You do realize that every time you come here for relief that it’s not really helping you, right? It’s only making the problem worse. The power of my domain is fed by souls that have no redeemable qualities. The more I funnel that type of energy into you, the more you become immune to knowing what’s right and what’s wrong. Eventually when I completely cut you off from the power stored here, all you’ll care about is ending your torment.”
“Why would you do that to me?” I ask, unable to stop myself from quaking in my shoes at just the thought. I need her power to take away my pain. If she stops helping me, I might go completely insane and never find my way back to who I used to be.
“I w
ould do that to force you to finally release the seal in Heaven and trap all those delicious souls so they’ll eventually find their way to me. You know that, Liana. My father told you all about my plans the first and last time you visited Him.”
“Is that the only reason you gave the seal to me?” I ask.
“Initially, no. I had another reason for gifting it to you, but my circumstances changed. Now having you open the seal in Heaven is one of the few things I have left to live for.”
“And if I do that for you,” I say, not intending to follow through with her evil plan but wanting to gather more information from her, “what will you do with all the power you collect from those souls? Do you really intend to destroy the universe?”
“Not right away,” she says hesitantly. “I have three things that need to happen before I do that. After they happen, it’ll be my time to go because I won’t have anything left to live for.”
“What three things?” I ask.
Aunt Helena smiles at me, but it’s not a pleasant one. “That’s really none of your concern. Now, why don’t you run along and go back to your family, Liana? I’m sure they’re missing you by now. Besides, I’m confident I’ll be seeing you again in the not-so-distant future.”
She knows it because she withheld my usual dose of energy from her. The thought causes my blood to boil with anger, and I phase away before it has a chance to consume me. As I stand in the hallway where the bedrooms of my family are located in the castle on Laed-i, I take in deep breaths in hopes of clearing my thoughts.
“I don’t know what to do,” I hear my mother say, her voice desperate and sad at the same time.
I look up and notice that the door to the bedroom she shares with my father is completely open. Without moving a muscle, I stand stock-still and listen.
“I think you’re doing all you can right now, Anna,” I hear Jules reply consolingly. “Liana has to fight her own demons.”
“But if she would only transfer the seal to me, I could take her pain away, and she wouldn’t be burdened with it anymore.”
“Why doesn’t she do that?” Jules asks, sounding confused by my reluctance to let my mother help me. “What’s keeping her from taking you up on your offer? We can all see how much pain she’s experiencing.”
“She looks so tired because she’s constantly fighting against Helena’s hatred for me,” my mother says. “Liana refuses to allow Helena to control who she loves. As far as her reasoning for not giving me the seal, she says I’m needed more in the world than she is. She keeps telling me that Dax and Lyra shouldn’t have to grow up with a mother who can’t give them one hundred percent of her love and that she can handle the effects of the seal, even though we can all see that it’s tearing her apart.”
“And if you did somehow manage to get her to give it to you, what would happen to you, Anna?”
“I’m not sure, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take for her.”
“But it’s not one I’m willing to take,” I whisper in the empty hallway.
I phase to my home in Cirrus because I need a break from my family and my mother’s self-imposed guilt. She feels responsible for the way I am because she believes it’s her fault that Aunt Helena gave me the Seal of Silence. If anyone is to blame for the way that I am, it’s me. I never should have lied to my parents and gone to see Silas that night. If I had stayed in Laed-i like I should have, he wouldn’t have had the opportunity to steal my bracelet from me. It was my selfishness that caused this problem, and I’m not about to let my mother shoulder the responsibility for my own stupidity.
When the bracelet was first taken from me, I feared I would eventually grow to hate my mother, but I believe the exact opposite happened. I feel as though I love her more than ever now because I know how much she is willing to sacrifice to save me. Yes, I do feel my aunt’s hatred toward my mother more acutely now that I’m not shielded by the bracelet’s power, but I’m able to separate out my aunt’s feelings from my own. I wish I could reverse the flow of emotions between me and my aunt so she could feel my love for my mother. Maybe if she could, it would help her understand why I will never betray my family. The only downside to my emotional battle is the physical toll it’s taking on me.
“Liana, what are you doing here?”
I look up from my seat on the bed to see my big brother Lucas standing in the open doorway of my bedroom holding a water canister in his hands. I totally forgot I asked him to check on my plants while I was away on vacation.
“I needed some time to myself,” I tell him, finding the moment a bit on the ironic side since I’m not really alone here either.
“Do you want me to leave?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No. I’d actually like for you to stay.”
Lucas sets the metal canister in his hands on the floor by his feet before walking into my room and taking a seat next to me on the bed.
“Is there anything I can do to help you?” he asks, clearly concerned I might be on the edge of my sanity and getting ready to jump off.
“Tell me something nice,” I reply. “How are Bai and Han doing?”
“Bai is busy designing the new public park we’re setting up near San Francisco,” he tells me with a proud smile. “And our precocious three-year-old son is determined to have her put in a splash pad with a gigantic revolving elephant in the middle of it for the down-world children to play in during the summer months.”
“That does sound nice,” I say, imagining sweet Bai and adorable Han working together to bring joy to the down-worlders. “How many of these parks are you planning to construct on the surface? You’ve already got five of them built, right?”
Lucas nods. “Yes. We’re slowly getting them done. As far as how many we intend to build, I’m not sure yet. We want to see how much use the people get out of these first ones, but at the moment, the down-worlders seem to appreciate them. They’re safe places for families to go spend the day to just relax and have a good time. Even though Mom and Dad have been able to make their day-to-day jobs easier with the new technology they’ve been able to implement, it’s still work, and people need time to spend with their families in an environment that’s relaxing. Now that the threat posed by the resistance movement is over, the down-worlders are looking for fun things to do during their off time.”
“Maybe I need to take a vacation in one of your parks,” I joke, feeling weary and depressed as the reality of my life begins to crash down on me again.
Lucas takes one of my hands with his and squeezes it reassuringly.
“What can I do to help you?” he asks, wearing the same concerned expression that everyone else in my family has when they look at me.
“Find my bracelet,” I say, trying to make it sound like a joke but failing miserably at it.
“We’ve been trying to since the day you lost it,” he tells me. “I’m not sure if we’ll ever find it or Silas.”
I sigh heavily because I know he’s right. Since the moment my parents discovered that Silas stole my bracelet, they’ve been trying to locate both. I knew the search would be pointless because I know how many years Jered has spent searching for Silas with no luck in finding him. If nothing else, Silas is good at keeping himself hidden from anyone who attempts to locate him.
A part of me still wonders if everything that happened between me and Silas was just his way of beguiling me so he could steal my bracelet. Even after two years, his heartless betrayal still stings. I’m not sure what I would do to Silas if I ever saw him again, but ripping his heart out of his chest is definitely a possibility.
“Are you all still coming to Cal’s birthday party tomorrow?” I ask Lucas.
“As far as I know,” he says with a smile. “How has your vacation been so far? I’ve been watering your plants every other day. In fact, I was thinking you might want to set up an automatic watering system here. I’m not sure why Andre didn’t have one installed when he had this house built.”
“I don’t suppose my ha
ndy, technologically inclined older brother would want to do that for me, would he?”
Lucas smiles. “You know I can never say no to you. Of course I’ll do it, but it’ll have to wait until Bai and I are through with our work in San Francisco.”
“No rush,” I say. “I doubt I’ll be leaving home for an extended period until next year’s vacation.”
“I suppose you’ll be going without Liam next time,” Lucas comments.
“I guess it depends on if his new wife wants to join us. I’m sure I can talk Cara into vacationing on Laed-i.”
“I can’t believe my little brother is old enough to marry,” Lucas says with a shake of his head.
“Just barely old enough,” I laugh. “Of course, he wanted to marry her when he turned eighteen, but Brutus wanted Cara to take a year for herself to travel to other worlds. I’m not sure if he was hoping she would find someone else she liked better or not.”
Lucas chuckles. “I don’t think that was his reasoning. He just didn’t want Cara to marry quite so young, and I can’t say I blame him. Once you marry someone, your life completely changes, and you can’t just think about yourself anymore. You have to factor in the other person’s needs too. Speaking of the other person,” Lucas stands from his seat on the bed, “I need to get back to my better half before she starts to worry. Are you going to be okay? You don’t look very good today.”
“Gee, thanks,” I comment dryly. “You’re not exactly boosting my ego, big brother.”
“You’re always beautiful, Liana, even when you look like death warmed over.”
I playfully try to slap his arm, but he just laughs and deftly dodges my attempt.
“Seriously though, how long has it been since you saw Helena?” he asks, looking worried.
“I just came back from Hell, actually,” I admit. “In all her demonic wisdom, she has decided to withhold her help to see if it will force me to either come see her more often or break me to open the seal for her sooner.” I look up at Lucas and ask, “I don’t suppose you’ve had a vision yet of what’s to come?”