“Hawaii—that’s it, isn’t it? He’s been dreaming of that place ever since he got back. So he found a way to get himself back there, huh?”
“I can’t say.”
“I can’t believe he’s just gone. Do you think he’ll ever come back?”
“Hard to say. Not if it means he’ll go to prison. He was pretty freaked out about that.”
“No shit. The poor bastard. He should’ve stayed away from that prick Jonathan. Where’s he?”
“His father bailed him out, I think. The old man showed up here in a black Mercedes this morning to get his stuff. A pretty scary guy. He looked like he could afford a good lawyer to get his kid off the hook. I imagine that’s what will happen.”
“Prick. The rich get richer and the poor go into hiding. I never did like that guy.”
Kolvacik trained his eyes on me. “So, you’ve got a pretty cozy little setup here, now, huh? You and Claire and Jonah. You taking over Tony’s family?”
I ignored his animosity. He was hurt by Tony’s sudden departure and needed to strike out at someone.
“Tony asked them to join him in … to join him. Claire doesn’t know what to do.”
“I bet you’re going to advise her, though, aren’t you?”
“I’m just going to listen to her. She knows I’m here for her, if she wants me. But I’ll be her friend, no matter what she decides.”
He studied me. “You really do love her, don’t you?”
I felt a large lump in my throat. “I told you that a long time ago. I’d do anything for her.” Tears welled up in my eyes. I sniffed them back.
“You’re going to be one sorry bastard, yourself, if she goes, aren’t you?”
“That’s putting it mildly.”
“Well,” he said, standing up abruptly, “I’ve got friends to visit. Things aren’t very cheerful around here.”
I walked him to the door, still fighting back tears. I was glad he was leaving. He went out onto the front porch and turned back to me.
“If she does leave you,” he said, “come and see me. I could use a drinkin’ and smokin’ buddy. Misery loves company.”
I felt oddly comforted by Kolvacik’s offer. At least I wouldn’t be entirely alone if the worst happened.
In the event, the worst happened sooner than I thought it would. It started with a notice from the landlord that arrived on July 15th. It indicated that our house, and several other beautiful old Victorian houses adjacent to it, had been sold to a contractor, who was going to tear them down and build an apartment building in their place. We had until August 15th to vacate the house. Claire seemed to go into shock when she read the letter. She loved that house and, with her marriage topsy-turvy, it had become a symbol of stability and continuity for her. She took comfort from living in a house that had been continuously occupied for almost a hundred years.
Two days later, the first letter arrived from Tony. Claire didn’t let me read it right away, but eventually she had to. This is what it said:
Dear Claire,
Things are working out even better than I thought they would. After three days, I got a job working at the docks and a cheap room in clean little bed and breakfast. The pay is good. Things are more expensive here, but it’s enough.
I’ve been to see Joe. He’s not a heck of a lot better. He’s still depressed. He won’t talk to me about how he feels and won’t cooperate with his physical therapist. I told him he was an asshole and he better get his shit together. You can imagine how much he appreciated that. But it might have done him some good. I had to say something because they’re shipping him back to the mainland in a few days (just my luck), so I won’t be seeing him for a while. Somebody had to tell him to get off his can and start rehabilitating himself.
Seeing the way Joe is kind of freaked me out, to tell you the truth. I had this revelation lying in bed the other night. I realized that I can be just like Joe. I keep everything inside and push other people away, even when I need them. I know this isn’t news to you, but I think I’ve finally learned it for myself. Being alone here has put a lot of things in perspective. I miss you and Jonah so much it’s like an ache in my body. I can’t believe how much I’ve taken the two of you for granted.
I don’t want it to be that way any more, Claire. I see my mistakes and I want to make up for them. I want to start all over again with you. I think we can do it. I hope you agree. There’s nothing that would make me happier than to meet you and Jonah at the airport and hang a lei around your neck. It’s beautiful here. It’s the kind of place where we’ve always dreamed about living. I want to share it with you and Jonah. Join me.
Love,
Tony
As soon as Claire read the letter, I knew the jig was up. She became quiet and distant. For two days after that, she hardly spoke to me. She just kept saying she needed time to think.
On the evening of the second day, after Jonah had settled in, she announced she was going to take a bubble bath and wanted me to meet her in her bed in half an hour. As always, I was excited by the prospect of making love with her, but something in the way she made the invitation left me wary.
I got into her bed before she was done in the bathroom. There were butterflies in my stomach. She emerged from the bathroom and appeared in the bedroom doorway in a long, sheer, white, silky nightgown that outlined every curve in her body. It made me think of the white dress I’d first seen her in, when she’d taken my breath away, but it was even more provocative than that. That memory underlined how much more I loved her than when I’d seen her in that dress. Lust was now a servant to love. I desired her body, but I craved her love.
Her lovemaking was uncharacteristically intense and aggressive that night. She seemed both desperate to please me and anxious to let me know she was in charge. It was almost as if she were another person. Afterward, I felt physically satisfied, but emotionally wrought.
“John,” Claire finally said, and I knew instantly the rug was about to be pulled out from under me. “I’ve decided I have to go to Tony, that Jonah and I need to be with him.”
I was so stricken by this declaration I couldn’t reply. On the other hand, I was not surprised. It felt as if I’d just been waiting for the announcement I knew would be coming, sooner or later. I told her this.
“It should have been obvious to me, too,” she said. “I couldn’t live with myself if I just let Tony go off on his own and gave up on the relationship. He’s—”
“Your husband and the father of you child. I know. You don’t have to keep reminding me. So, his little ploy worked. He couldn’t make you love him when he lived in the same house, but now that he’s inaccessible, he’s suddenly attractive. Why do women fall for that hard-to-get bit all the time?”
She pulled away from me, sat up and reached for her cigarettes.
“That’s a shitty thing to say. I’m not falling for anything. I’m trying to get my marriage together. It deserves a chance.”
“Yeah, especially when the chance is in Hawaii. You can send Tony to the docks and lay out in the sun and who gives a shit if it’s a real marriage or not, huh? Maybe you’ll find somebody else to fuck you while he’s away.”
She had lit her cigarette and taken a drag. She blew the smoke out fiercely.
“God, you can be a bastard when you’re hurt.”
“Most of us can,” I said.
I flipped over onto my stomach, turning my face away from her. I was seething inside. Neither of us spoke. Claire finished her cigarette and crushed it out in the ashtray beside the bed.
“I think you’d better go,” she finally said. “Fuck you,” I replied. “You make love to me, then dump me, and now you want to kick me out. I’m staying here.”
“Fine.”
She turned off the lamp. The window shades were up. Light from the streetlamps made the room glow eerily. Cars whooshed past on Downer. Occasionally, a motorcycle would roar by. I felt suspended in time. I didn’t really believe I would be moving, that Cl
aire would be leaving, that my whole life was being turned upside-down. Then I turned my head to look at Claire and found her asleep, angelically asleep, her beautiful face framed by a halo of blonde hair.
I felt a cold rage in my belly. How could she sleep at a time like that? Was she so little affected by her decision to leave me? Was I just one of the details she had to take care of before she ran off to Hawaii? I hated her so much at that moment I could have strangled her, if I’d let myself go. I’ve never come so close to feeling what a jealous murderer must feel. It scared the hell out of me.
I leapt out of the bed and went into my own room, but I was too agitated to lie down. I went back into Claire’s room and took her cigarettes and matches from the bedside. I closed the door between our rooms, sat in my chair, and lit a cigarette. After taking several long drags, I held the glowing ash to my forearm, moving it closer and closer until the heat started to hurt my skin. I held it there for some time, debating whether to press it to my skin. When I pulled it away, I felt a tiny circle of pain the circumference of the cigarette tip. I couldn’t see it in the dark, but I knew there was a red mark there, a memento of the night I lost Claire.
14
THE FIRST THING I DID THE NEXT MORNING was call Kolvacik. Mina answered, sounding brighter than she’d sounded for some time. She asked about Tony, and I said I couldn’t tell her anything, that she’d have to ask Claire. I told her about Claire’s decision to join Tony. She said she wasn’t surprised. I said I didn’t want to talk about it.
When Kolvacik got on, I told him what had happened and asked him to bring his dope over. He was reluctant. He and Mina had just had good sex—for the first time in a while, I gathered—and they wanted to loll around. She was thinking of calling in sick to work. He said he’d call later if she didn’t. So much for misery and company.
Jonah slept late that morning, giving Claire a chance to do the same. When I finally heard them at the top of the stairs, about to come down, I had an anxiety attack that sent me scurrying out onto the porch. I felt as if I wouldn’t be able to look at them without crying, and I was damned if I was going to let Claire know how vulnerable I was. I plopped down on the old, flowered couch Tony and Kolvacik had found on the street one day, early in the summer, and deposited on the porch. I was careful to keep my head away from the open window behind the couch, so Claire couldn’t see me. I could hear her descending the steps with Jonah, asking him if wanted breakfast.
“Cer’yl,” he said. Then, “Where John?”
“I don’t know,” said Claire. “Maybe he went for a walk.”
“Walk?” said Jonah. “John walk?”
“He might have. Let’s get your cereal.”
Once they were in the kitchen, I could only hear the murmur of their voices. It felt as if they were far, far away. I tried to pretend they were, tried to get a sense of how I’d feel when I wasn’t able to see them and could only talk to them on the telephone, but my mind refused to accept the reality of what I was imagining. It kept saying, They’re right in the kitchen. Go see them. I was torn between wanting to see them, because shortly I wouldn’t have that opportunity, and wanting to avoid them for the same reason.
Kolvacik rescued me. While I was sitting there, debating whether or not to go in, he arrived in a beat-up, old, red, two-seater Triumph convertible with the top rolled down. He pulled it up to the curb, revved the throaty engine, and waved me over.
“Want to go for a ride?” he called.
I walked out to him before replying. I didn’t want to yell back and risk having Claire to hear me.
“Where the hell did you get this?” I asked.
“Bought it from a neighbor, last night. It’s far out, isn’t it? There’re only a couple dozen of these in the whole country. He gave me a deal because of the rust. I couldn’t pass it up. I’m going to fix it up and sell it someday.”
Judging from what I knew about Kolvacik and his projects, “someday” was unlikely to arrive.
“What does Mina think about it?”
“Fuck her. We had a good day going until I told her about it. I thought she’d be a little more receptive after the good time we had in bed this morning, but she flew off the handle and started lecturing me about wasting money. I hate that shit. So I came over here. Still looking for something to distract you?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then jump in. We’ll smoke a few j’s and take a ride in the country. Maybe we’ll go skinny-dipping at this pond I know. It’s too fine a day to spend worrying about women—unless we happen to meet a couple of choice ones at the pond, if you know what I mean.”
He winked at me in his impish way, and I smiled back at him.
“Beats sitting around the house feeling depressed,” I said. “And I don’t have to work until this afternoon.”
“Fuck work. You’ll call in sick. Hop in.”
I stepped right over the little door and slid down into the black bucket seat, which was already getting hot from the sun. Kolvacik revved the engine.
“Doesn’t this baby sound great?” he cried over the noise. “I can’t wait to get it out onto a country road. It’s going to be like Le Mans.”
He shifted into first and, just before we shot away from the curb, I glanced toward the house and saw Claire watching us through the front door glass.
We followed Lake Drive up through the northern suburbs and continued on until we were out of the city. The Triumph alternately purred and whined beneath us. The wind created by our motion swept over us, keeping us cool. The first thing Kolvacik did when we left the city behind was to reach into the pocket of his t-shirt and pull out a lighter and a joint about the size of a cigarette.
“Set this thing on fire, will you? It’s party time!”
I held the joint in my lips and leaned forward to light it, trying to keep the flame out of the wind. It lit unevenly, but neither of us cared. We started toking away on the joint, watching it burn down one side. Ashes flew all over, but in a few minutes we were sailing so far above the car that it could have burst into flames and we would hardly have noticed. It was blessed escape for me. I forgot all about Claire and Jonah as I lay my head back and watched tree branches fly overhead.
“Oooo-eee, that’s good dope!” cried Kolvacik.
I just nodded. We were roaring down a deserted country road that twisted back and forth and up and down, through woods and marshes, past lakes, across farmland. I felt as if my entire body was expanding to take it all in: Wisconsin, my homeland. It was as if the geography of the countryside and the geography of my body were one-in-the-same. One moment, I was in the car, racing across the land. The next moment, I was the land and the car was racing over me, tickling my skin. Kolvacik was a fast driver, but a good one. I felt safe with him at the wheel. God knows, I couldn’t have driven in that state of mind!
“How about a swim?” he called over the whine of the engine as he downshifted for a curve. “That pond is up here a little ways.”
“Why not?” I replied.
Kolvacik took us around a few more curves, then slowed as we passed a field of high grass on the right, at the edge of a woods. We came to a break in the grass, which revealed a road, or, more accurately, a track, two parallel ruts where car tires had created a road. Kolvacik turned onto the track, and we tilted to one side as the tires on my side rested in the rut while the ones on his side rode the grassy hump between the ruts. The track ended at the edge of a woods. Half-a-dozen cars were parked there, flattening the tall grass.
Kolvacik pulled in beside the first one and turned off the engine. The silence and heat hit me like a wind. The only sound that broke it was the twitter of birds.
“Gotta walk from here,” he said. “Let’s finish up this joint on the way.”
We got out and started down the narrow path that led through the woods. It was dark and a bit cooler beneath the trees. I felt as if I was in somebody’s house—Mother Nature’s house, I thought. Kolvacik paused to re-light the joint, took a h
it himself, then handed it to me. We walked in silence, passing the joint back and forth as the path led gradually downward through the woods. My head was buzzing from the dope, but it felt like natural energy, like the energy I sensed buzzing through the trees and the birds and the little animals scurrying through the brush. I didn’t feel like a stranger in the woods, as I had so many other times in my life.
After a quarter mile or so, the path flattened out, and a hundred yards later, the trees parted, revealing the wide, grassy bank of a small brown pond. And on the bank were naked people of all different body types, some lying on their back in the grass, soaking up sun, others sitting up or lying on their side, talking. There was a tall, lanky, man with a dark scraggly beard, straight hair halfway down his back, and a string of beads around his neck. He sat cross-legged talking to a short, fat woman whose white body made her look like a mushroom sprouted from the earth overnight. A beautiful blonde lay in the grass, her tanned body nestled back against the body of slim black man with a wide Afro. A few teenage boys sat brazenly on towels at the water’s edge, their knees cocked, their eyes taking in the scene. A few people were in the brown water, paddling about aimlessly.
I followed Kolvacik to a spot near the bank, where he immediately began to shed his clothing. I felt shy for a moment, then thought “What the hell” and started stripping.
The sun felt wonderful on my naked body. Spontaneously, I turned to face it, closed my eyes, opened my arms, and spread my legs. I felt as if I were an ancient sun worshipper offering my body to God.
“Far out,” said the bearded man, who was sitting near us. “Makes you wonder if the pagans didn’t have something going for them, doesn’t it?”
“It does,” I said, keeping my eyes closed. “It surely does.”
“I’m hot,” said Kolvacik. “Let’s hit the water.”
I opened my eyes to see Kolvacik take three quick steps and launch his body into the air over the pond. In my stoned condition, it looked to me as if he hung in the air for several seconds before plunging feet first into the water, which, it turned out, was only waist deep. Ripples from his impact spread out across the pond in concentric circles. I watched the ripples, mesmerized.
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