She broke off, looked at him, and then said, “If it’s Odin, and if it’s a mine, and if there’s illegal drug or gunrunning,” she said.
Rafe smiled, shook his head, “I wasn’t questioning your theory,” he said.
“You had a funny look on your face. Like you thought I was getting ahead of myself. Like you had doubts...”
“I’m doubting the wisdom of telling you something,” he said.
Her frown was instant and he accepted the physical manifestation of her confusion, knowing he was going in, that he’d just opened a door that he wasn’t about to close again.
“What?” she asked. “You know something about Odin you aren’t telling me?”
The question was fair. Her lack of trust was fair. He’d hired a private investigator behind her back.
And he’d broken every promise they’d ever made each other when he followed Payne’s orders and broke off all communication with her.
With no explanation.
And no attempt to ever make it right—other than the little bit he’d done for Tyler while she was away at college.
“It doesn’t have anything to do with Odin,” he told her. “Or murders and attempted murders or babies being switched at birth.” He wanted to hold her in his arms, to be able to kiss those soft lips. The table between them was a symbol of the chasm that would allow them to see each other, but would also always hold them apart.
In the same sphere, but not together.
Chapter 17
“What’s going on, Rafe?” With him, the sky was the limit. He’d blown her world to bits in the past. She didn’t put anything past him.
“Whatever it is you have to say, just tell me. Wisdom is kind of moot at this point.” She could handle whatever it was as long as she knew about it.
His struggle seemed to be honest. Something was really bothering him.
“I didn’t just cut things off with you because Payne ordered me to do so.”
Her jaw dropped. She felt it go. Couldn’t pick it back up for a second or two. Her gaze studied every inch of his face, stared into his eyes, looking for some kind of port on which to land.
What was he telling her? He just hadn’t loved her?
Okay, they’d been thirteen. He’d been pubescent. He could have wanted to check out other girls.
But why hadn’t he just said so?
Why cut her off as though she wasn’t worth anything?
Still... He hadn’t loved her?
She glanced at her computer screen. Saw the latest search results for Nan Gelman. Knew she’d cared about them earlier.
Nothing in the world made sense, or mattered, if Rafe hadn’t loved her.
She shook her head.
Or maybe it did. Maybe this was what she’d been missing. Was that it?
Just as he’d exposed the mineshaft idea, the one thing she’d missed, was he letting her in on a little personal detail, too?
Well, then... Okay. She’d process. Deal. Grieve. All the things she did when she was alone.
For a second there she feared she was going to cry. Right then. Right there. She could feel her throat tightening. The pressure building behind her eyes.
Then it was gone, replaced by red-hot anger. How dare he...?
She wanted to throw something at him. A big something. Right in the middle of that face that had haunted every fantasy, and played a part in every bit of lovemaking she’d ever known.
“He gave me an ultimatum,” he told her.
Yeah, so—that was no reason to ruin a girl’s life. To steal away her belief in her own worth.
To rip hope and dreams out of her world for a while.
Or forever. She went back and forth on that one, still staring at him. Speechless.
“If I was ever caught even in the area of the cabins, or was seen anywhere within talking distance of you, he was going to have your father fired. He knew about your dad’s drinking, said he only kept him on because of my birth dad. And, I’m sure, because your dad was a great cowboy. One of the best, from what I’ve been told. What I know is that he wasn’t kidding, Kerry. You and Tyler would have been homeless with an alcoholic father looking for work that he wouldn’t have been able to find anywhere within Colton reach.”
She kept her mouth closed. Felt everything within her drop. Just drop. Her shoulders, her muscles, her stomach. It took a second to comprehend what he’d said.
To picture the thirteen-year-old boy she’d known being told that an entire family’s future rested on his shoulders.
And thought of what he’d told her about watching her head out toward their safe place. He wouldn’t have been able to go there, even when she wasn’t there. He’d have had to walk by the cabins to get there.
All those years... She’d gone to their spot, sat. Waited. Hoped he might show up. Believing that someday he would.
So, she guessed, he hadn’t stolen the hope and dreams away right at the beginning. That had happened slowly, over time.
And for him, a young man who’d lost everything dear to him. His daddy, and then his closest friend...
He’d always told her that she was the only person in the world he fully trusted.
To have had to make that decision...
And to have done so.
He’d been a boy and had chosen like a man. Lived like a man.
The tears filled her eyes, after all, as she stared at him.
She let them fall.
He swallowed. Licked his lips. Blinked.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked. Payne had allowed him to tell her that he wasn’t going to see her anymore. He hadn’t wanted anything left between them.
In that, Payne Colton had been somewhat decent to Kerry, not leaving her wondering. Or maybe he’d just been making sure she stayed away from Rafe. She’d been back and forth on that over the years.
“Because if I had, you’d have said you didn’t care about the threat. You’d have been willing to lose your home so we could stay friends.”
“It’s a choice we should have made together.”
“We were thirteen, Kerry. It wasn’t like we could get jobs and support ourselves, make our own ways in the world.”
“We could have come up with a plan. Some way to communicate...” She’d certainly come up with some crazy ideas over the years, like writing in code on a bathroom wall in a public restroom in town.
“You had to get on with your life, not hang around waiting for me.”
Because he’d been getting on with his.
The reality hit her.
He’d loved her with his whole heart.
She’d been his world.
He’d have stayed with her forever if he could have. Would probably even have married her, like they used to talk about when they were eight and had no idea what marriage really meant, except getting to live in the same house.
And if they’d been able to continue being friends, they probably would have had their happily-ever-after.
When Payne had forced him to break up with her, his heart had been just as broken as hers.
But then...
He’d made a choice. And he’d moved on.
That’s why he hadn’t contacted her later. When they’d both returned to Mustang Valley after college.
All these years, she’d hung on to who they’d been. To him. To the love they’d shared. She’d made it sacred. Which was why the hurt couldn’t leave, why she couldn’t get past the pain of his betrayal. Holding the pain made the love she’d known real. It had given her a way to hold on to him. And she had most definitely been holding on, living in Mustang Valley, comparing him to any other man she’d ever dated, even keeping her hair long. She’d held him in her heart.
And he’d let her go.
* * *
Rafe watched her, w
aiting for a reaction. Some clue that would prompt response. Kerry just sat there, like she was thinking over what he’d said, giving no indication how she felt about it all. Or him.
When she didn’t engage, he wanted to raise his voice to her. Get her attention.
He needed to tell her that he’d never stopped loving her.
He started to regret telling her his secret. He’d thought it would be for her good. To let her know that he hadn’t just abandoned her because she wasn’t worth enough to fight for. But that he’d loved her that much. That she’d mattered.
He was giving her the solution to the mystery that was their past.
Giving her closure.
Or had he been hoping to open a door? Or, more accurately, her heart? Was that what this was about? He’d found what he’d presented to himself as a selfless justification for letting her know that he’d sacrificed everything for her. Made it about helping her.
But was he really hoping to launch himself back into her private world? To at least gain her trust back again?
Because if that was it, he had to stop.
He had no more to offer her sitting at that table than he’d had twenty-three years before. Time had passed, but his choices would be the same.
And this was why he didn’t do relationships. There were no definitive rights and wrongs. Things were too complicated in an unsolvable way.
“The only Gelman I’ve been able to find in census records from forty years ago lived in Mountain Valley.” Kerry finally spoke up.
Rafe did a double take. Was she seriously talking about the case?
She was looking at her computer screen. “That Gelman was male, listed as head of household with a wife, but no name listed for her. They had no children. He was single when he died. There was no next of kin. There’s no Gelman, Nan or otherwise, coming up anywhere else, on any databases. And none listed in hospital employment records.”
Not good news. And not what he wanted to talk about at the moment, either.
“So I’m thinking...either Noelle remembered her name incorrectly...or the crabby nurse could be the person we’re looking for. A woman who’s capable of stealing a baby could probably have found a way to lie about her credentials, too. Maybe she got the job at the hospital, specifically in the maternity ward, because she planned to steal a baby all along. Could be it was part of a racket. Maybe they were trafficking them. Selling them to couples who couldn’t have kids. It wasn’t like records were computerized back then.”
He listened. Agreed that her theory had merit.
“Kerry...”
“Yeah?” Her gaze was still on the screen in front of her.
“We need to talk.”
That got him a glance. “We are talking.”
“About what I just told you.”
“No, we don’t.”
In all the different ways he’d figured this scenario could play out, and he’d imagined many of them over the years, her reaction wasn’t even coming close. To any of them. The really good ones. Or the really bad.
“I loved you,” he told her, just to make that point very clear.
She glanced up again. Nodded. “I loved you, too.”
“I would never have abandoned you if Payne hadn’t given me no choice. How could I love you and then get your father fired and make you lose the only home you’d ever known? You and Tyler could have ended up in foster care. They might have split you up. And your dad...he’d have drunk himself to death without the two of you. Without his work.”
“He kind of did drink himself to death,” she said. She was looking him right in the eye. There was no storm in her gaze, no struggle. He didn’t get it.
“I did the right thing.”
“I agree.”
He frowned. “Then...”
“Then let’s get to work,” she said. “The past is past. You laid the last piece of it to rest, and I’m grateful for that. But right now we’ve got work to do. Two different cases to solve. Or, at least, I do. You’re free to go anytime you like.”
So she no longer cared if he went out and got himself killed that night?
“After tomorrow morning, of course,” she said. “I’d appreciate if you’d stay put tonight. I’d have to get the chief out of bed if you left, and he’d have to find someone to protect you until morning...”
This was asinine. They go from at least caring about one another to... Strangers? Because he’d protected her family all those years ago?
She was watching him. And he saw it the second it happened, the break in her control. Saw a flash of something in her eyes before she turned her attention back to her computer screen.
“Kerry,” he said, before she could slide away from him again. “Don’t go cold on me. Please.”
She shook her head, fire in her eyes as she glanced across at him. “What do you want from me, Rafe?”
He should have an answer to that. Drew a blank.
“Why did you tell me about Payne’s ultimatum? What was your goal? What did you expect was going to happen?”
“I see you looking for answers, constantly needing to understand what’s going on, and it felt wrong to be holding on to a piece of information that would help you understand your own past.”
“You wanted to give me closure.”
“Yes.” Originally. And still. Though now he wasn’t entirely sure what had actually prompted the words up and out of his mouth that evening.
“So... I got it.” She was looking him right in the eye.
He was missing something vital. He didn’t know what. So couldn’t ask for it.
“And these past couple of days...the...connection we’ve shared...that’s just...gone?”
He wouldn’t believe that. Just wouldn’t.
Her smile warmed him, and bothered him, too. “We’ll always have a connection, Rafe,” she said, her tone close, personal. “But it’s based on the past, which has been over for a long time. I see that now. I will always love the boy I knew. Our time together will always be sacred to me...”
Why did he feel like she was digging a grave with every word she spoke?
“We’re two people with a shared past who are momentarily thrown together, and I’m so thankful to have a chance to spend time with the man you’ve become, to get to know him, but it’s not like we’re anything more than strangers to each other now. How could we be?”
“You don’t seem like the type of woman who has sex with a man she just met. Or with a man who feels like a complete stranger to her.”
When her glance dropped back to her computer, he felt as though he’d scored a victory. And hated the game he was playing.
Because he wasn’t playing. The realization was just there. He had no idea what he was doing. Or why.
“Can we at least be friends?” he asked, needing her back, in whatever capacity she’d agree to come back.
“Of course.” Her smile was unfamiliar, seemed to be tinged with sadness. “Those kids we were...we’d never be able to live with them if we weren’t.”
Her words settled the storm inside him, something she’d always been able to do.
He decided to leave well enough alone after that.
Chapter 18
Kerry called it a night at ten. She told him they both needed to get some rest as they probably had another long day coming up in front of them. She knew she did.
“You have your choice of my bed, or the inflatable mattress on the floor between my bed and the wall,” she told him. And then, just to be clear, “If you choose the bed, I’m taking the mattress and placing it between my bed and the door.” She was on the job. Had agreed to protect him.
“I’m fine on the couch,” Rafe said, without even a hint at hoping for more.
Even after all he’d said, she was still disappointed by that. It was so wild, how long it took t
he heart to catch up with what the mind knew.
What she needed was a good cry. A chance to let her heart vent and rid itself of dreams gone dead. And she’d have it. Just as soon as she had some time alone.
“Which means I’ll be on a mattress between the couch and the front door, which is drafty and it’s January, so I’d really appreciate it if you could take the bed.”
She was trying to be respectful, but commanding. As she would with anyone she’d been sworn, personally, to protect. She really just needed him to get his sweet ass the hell into bed, any bed, so she could take a few minutes to breathe.
“I’ll take the mattress on the floor between your bed and the wall,” he said, without a hint of complaint in his voice. Damn. The man sounded like royalty even when he’d been reduced to sleeping on an inflatable mattress. Because, after all, no matter where he slept, he was still a Colton.
A bed didn’t change that.
Nor did her sleeping beside him.
She had to find a way to squelch, once and for all, the young woman inside her who kept trying to pretend that it might.
* * *
She had to pee. It was three in the morning. If she lay completely still and held her breath, she could hear Rafe breathing on the floor two feet from her bed. Her bathroom was on the other side of him. She’d have to pass him, risk waking him, to get there. If she went down to the hall bathroom, she’d have to open the bedroom door she’d closed and locked to give her warning if someone got in the house and tried to get to them. The sound of the door opening would wake him for sure.
Flushing was going to wake him up. No way could she go and just leave it there for him to find if he got up to go. She’d already instructed him to use her bathroom during the night.
Maybe she could hold it. She’d expected to spend most of the night just dozing, anyway. With Rafe so close, and her heart still needing him, how could she expect to sleep?
Then she’d gone and drifted right off, sleeping like a baby, until three. He could sleep another couple of hours, minimum. She wasn’t going to be able to hold it.
In the sweats she’d changed into while he’d been in brushing his teeth, and the T-shirt she’d had on minus the bra, she slid out from under her sheet on the far side of the bed. Lifting her feet so they wouldn’t make shuffling sounds on the carpet, she walked by Rafe’s bare toes sticking out from the bottom of the sheet she’d wrapped around the mattress and made it into the bathroom.
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