11. Grow three more inches
12. Dance in the rain
13. Go skinny-dipping with Jake
14. Go horseback riding
15. Try something adventurous
16. Do something unexpected
“Do you remember what was on mine?” she asked.
“You had some of the same things, like take a road trip with my bestie. And, of course, marry Butch.”
Shonna laughed. “Good old Butch.”
“Do you ever think about him?” I asked. “Do you ever wonder what life would’ve been like if you had married him instead of Roger?”
Shonna sighed. “I used to a lot when I was younger, especially when Roger and I were having problems. But not so much any more. Now, when we fight, I just think how nice it would be to be single again.”
“Watch what you wish for,” I cautioned. “Being single is tough and lonely.”
“I know. I know. But tough and lonely might be better than miserable. Anyway, how about you? Ever think about Jake?”
“I have off and on over the years. Like you, whenever Mike and I would get into a big fight I’d think about Jake, who always had a gentleness about him that was comforting. I’d think Jake would’ve never done this or Jake would’ve never done that.”
I told Shonna how I’d been thinking about Jake since finding the list. “I was just about to Google his name. Maybe he’s on Facebook.”
“Try LinkedIn, too,” Shonna said.
“Good idea. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those years and relive them, you know? I mean, think if we’d known then what we know now. I might’ve done things differently. Scratch that. I definitely would’ve done things differently.”
“Like what? Not marry Mike?”
“I can’t say that. I mean, we had kids together and Tory and David have always been my world. And not all of the years were bad. Some were really great, actually. And I did love him once. Sometimes I think about what happened to us and I don’t even remember when it started to go bad. It was gradual, sort of like an eroding beach; by the time you notice the result of all the waves and currents removing the sand, there’s only a small strip left. And Mike and I just weren’t able to reclaim the beach, so to speak.”
“Sounds exactly what Roger and I are going through. Trying to bring back the sand that thundering storm waves have carried away definitely isn’t easy.”
I poured myself a cup of coffee. “We need to go on a road trip, get away from it all.”
“We definitely should.”
Suddenly I was stabbed by the reality of what I might be facing: The Big C. “That is, if I don’t have cancer.”
“Stop it,” Shonna shouted. “Think only positive thoughts. And if by some chance you do have breast cancer, we’ll go when you’re better.”
“Think Roger would let you go?” I poured some cream into my coffee and stirred it.
“Hey, he better not say a word. All those golf trips he takes with the guys.”
“You do have a point.”
“Damn right I do.”
“Since it will take some time to plan, I need to figure out which item on the list I’m going to tackle first.”
“Whoa! Back up, sister. You’re going to do the list?”
“Uh, yeah. That’s what I was thinking. I need to take charge of my life. I realized when I found the list that old dreams don’t have to die. Now that both kids are on their own I can do what I want, live where I want, become what I want. For the last twenty-four years, my life has revolved around them. Not that I’m complaining. Like I said, Tory and David are the best things that ever happened to me. But now I’m truly on my own. Even Mom and Dad are leaving me.”
“You have Muffin.”
I laughed. “Yeah, and she probably won’t be around much longer.”
“So, which item are you going to tackle first?” Shonna asked.
“Not sure. Do I tackle them in the order I wrote them? Or write the goals on slips of paper, put them in a basket and pull one at a time?”
“You could just use a random number-finder online. They’re really easy to use. First, number your list. Then type in a minimum and maximum number and hit generate. Tackle the goal that corresponds to that number.”
“Good idea. Much easier and, if I don’t like the number, I can keep hitting the generate button.”
Shonna laughed. “That’s what I’d totally do.”
“I was thinking about starting with Run a marathon, though.”
I heard Shonna laugh. “This I have to see. The last time you ran more than a mile you had braces and wore your hair in pigtails!”
“Maybe we should do it together.”
“No way, sister! I don’t like sweating. Roger’s been bugging me to learn how to play golf and I told him trying to get a walnut-sized ball to go into a hole isn’t my idea of fun.”
I sipped my coffee. “I agree. Golf is boring. Changing subject, how are the kids?”
“Jason just got his driver’s permit and I’m freaking out big time. I told Roger he has to teach him. I took him driving the other day and he damn near got us killed when he went to change lanes and almost hit a car. Guess the car was in his blind spot and he didn’t see it.”
“Yikes!”
“Yikes is right. My heart hasn’t raced like that since taking a Black Beauty during finals week in college.”
I laughed. “And how’s Maggie?”
“Full of raging hormones! I swear she has a split personality. One minute she’s the nice sweet child I remember and the next a total bitch. And dealing with all of the teenage drama is driving me insane. This girl won’t be friends with that girl because that girl did something to another girl. Ugh! It’s ridiculous!”
“Hang in there. It does get better, promise.”
“I just can’t believe how mean thirteen-year-olds can be. The other day Maggie came home from school crying because one of her friends made fun of her in gym class. Something about her slipping on the balance beam. We were never that mean, were we?”
“No. I definitely think girls are meaner today. I remember when Tory was in high school. I couldn’t wait until she graduated. One girl in particular was a real troublemaker. She started a rumor about Tory, telling everyone she had herpes.”
“That’s terrible.”
“Yes. Tory cried for days and refused to go to school. I met with the principal and said that if this student didn’t stop harassing Tory, he’d be hearing from my lawyer.”
“So what happened?”
“The harassment stopped and the girl apologized to Tory and told everyone she’d lied. But what a mess! It’s one of the reasons Tory became so involved in the school’s anti-bullying campaign. Even today she fights for the underdog.”
“How’s Tory doing anyway?”
“Great. I can’t believe she graduates next week and that we’re moving her to New York the following week.”
“So she found housing?”
“Yeah, but it’s superexpensive. Mike is subsidizing her. I knew he would after seeing she could only afford rundown rat holes in the seediest parts of town. One place was particularly bad. It was basically one big room and the bathtub was next to the stove, which was next to the refrigerator in what was supposed to be a ‘kitchen area.’”
“Good grief!”
“Yeah. It was terrible. She ended up finding a cute place on the Upper East Side not far from Central Park. It has a lot of charm. Wooden floors, high ceilings and some built-ins.”
“Sounds fabulous. I envy her.”
“Me, too. I feel as if she’s living my dream. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly proud of Tory. She’s working for a large advertising agency doing the exact job I wanted to do when I was her age. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit how envious I am. Living and working in a big city has always been a dream of mind. After all, it was on the list.”
“But you did live in a big city,” Sho
nna pointed out.
“True, but it wasn’t exactly what I had in mind at seventeen. Don’t you remember? It was on your list, too.”
Shonna sighed. “I do. We were going to share an apartment, have great jobs and make lots of money.”
“Not that I didn’t enjoy being a nanny, but it wasn’t exactly the career in marketing I’d dreamt of.
“Well, it’s not too late to tackle the list. It’ll be fun watching the forty-nine-year-old you complete the list the seventeen-year-old you made.”
“Thanks… I think. And good luck with Maggie and Jason. I’m sure everything will work out. Love you!”
“Love you, too.”
I hung up the phone and found a random number generator online. I punched in the numbers and clicked the button. Number three. Live in a big city. Hmm. Definitely something to think about but I wasn’t sure I was ready to tackle that one just yet so I hit the number generator again. Dance in the rain. Good one but you needed rain and it was a buttercup kind of day. I decided to start with number one. I knew marrying Jake was no longer possible, but I wondered what he was up to. Besides, I’d already started the online search.
I heard the dryer buzzer. I waddled to the laundry room and removed the clothes, pulling out a trio of granny panties, a pair of baggy jeans and a few tops the size of small tents. I’d never felt more motivated to check out a gym; maybe this time I’d go.
I went to the kitchen and made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Tory had texted me earlier and said she’d be calling later. I went back to the computer and typed Jake’s name into the Google search box. I scanned the results but didn’t find him. I tried Facebook next. Bingo! He had an account, but there were only a handful of posts, the last of which was four years old. To be honest, I was surprised Jake was even on Facebook, but, when I saw all the high-school reunion photos on his page, I figured he probably only joined to keep in touch.
I couldn’t resist checking out the photos. Jake had moved when we were in ninth grade and graduated from a neighboring high school, but I knew a lot of his friends because we’d dated for so long. I recognized a stunning blonde in a short black sequin dress with a slit up the side. Her legs went on forever and she looked as if she hadn’t aged at all. I glanced down at my frumpy self, dressed in gray sweats and an oversized pink tee. I rubbed my stomach, which looked like I was six months pregnant. Realizing I’d once been a size six and now was more than double that filled me with self-loathing.
I took a bite of my sandwich and searched LinkedIn. There were several Jake Millers but I found him. Even with a bald head, I’d recognize that smile punctuated by dimples anywhere.
He lived in Los Angeles. He was a defense attorney engaged in civil litigation matters. His profile wasn’t lengthy, just the nuts and bolts. I turned off the computer and went to get ready for bed. Tomorrow was Saturday, and I’d decided to visit the gym I passed on my way to work. It was relatively new and I’d heard some good things about it. If I was going to run a marathon, I needed to take that first step.
My phone beeped. It was a text from Tory.
Sorry Mom. Still studying at library. Call you tomorrow.
I typed: K
I couldn’t believe my baby girl was graduating from college. I walked into her room and sat on her bed. I picked up her favorite stuffed animal, a fluffy brown bear Mike had won at the county fair when Tory was two. I patted the bed, remembering all of the nights I’d tucked her in and listened to her prayers, her little hands mashed together forming a tiny teepee.
The room was pale pink and a white quilt with pink flowers covered the white canopy bed we’d bought when she was five. Ballet posters hung on the walls and I wondered if she ever missed dancing. Growing up, she’d belonged to a dance company and throughout high school practiced nearly every day.
When I wasn’t running Tory to dance lessons I was running David to whatever sport was in season. It was hard when David went to college. I missed watching him play baseball and basketball and cheering until my throat felt like sandpaper. About the only thing I didn’t mind when David left was my grocery bill – it’d been cut in half.
I knew when Tory left it would be even more difficult than with David. Now there were no kids at home, just Muffin and I, and my days suddenly seemed as if they’d lengthened by miles. Sure, Tory came home to visit and spent college breaks with me, but it wasn’t the same as seeing her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Or having someone to share Chinese Night with.
About the only thing that saved me from wallowing in self-pity were Mom and Dad. Tommy lived out of state, so I was the one they called when they needed help. Dad’s heart attack and Mom’s bad hip meant they needed me more than ever and I was glad I was there for them.
But now they’d be leaving, too.
Muffin jumped up on the bed beside me and I picked her up “Now what am I going to do, Muffin? First David leaves, now Tory and Mom and Dad. Soon it’ll be just you and me.”
I snuggled Muffin and carried him over to my bedroom. I climbed into bed, thinking I definitely didn’t need a house this big anymore. Maybe I should move.
Chapter 5
I sat in the car in front of the gym, trying to muster the courage to go in. I was thirty pounds heavier than when I was pregnant with Tory and that was two decades ago. Over the years I’d exercised off and on, just like I’d tried one fad diet after another. But as the years passed it’d become harder to keep the pounds off. They settled around my middle, butt and hips and I looked like my mother when I was brave enough to peek into a mirror.
I’ll admit I have a sweet tooth and have been known to down a bag of chips in one sitting, which is why I only buy them for special occasions. But watching girls who were a quarter of my size bend their bodies in ways that looked downright painful without breaking a sweat made me want to turn around and walk back out the door I’d just entered through.
“May I help you?”
I turned to see a Barbie-esque girl who looked like she was fresh from a Sports Illustrated photo shoot. An auburn ponytail sprouted from the top of her head and bobbed across her back between her narrow shoulders. She wore purple and black yoga pants and a matching tank that hugged her double D breasts.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” I turned toward the door.
“No. Wait!”
I felt her hand on my right shoulder and turned around.
“Please, don’t go. I know coming to a gym can be intimidating. I know it takes a lot of courage to walk through that door. Three years ago, I was a hundred pounds heavier.”
My eyes widened as they involuntarily scanned her size-six body.
She smiled. “I know, right? It’s hard to imagine. But I have proof.” She nodded toward a row of cubicles on the right. “Want to see?”
I couldn’t imagine the twentysomething standing in front of me weighing a hundred pounds more. I guess my curiosity got the better of me and I followed her to the last cubicle. Crayon drawings sporting stick figures with big heads and three fingers were taped to the walls. I smiled, thinking of the plastic bins stuffed full of Tory and David’s artwork in the basement. “Lovely drawings.”
She flashed a smile. “Thanks. My daughter, Daisy, loves to draw.”
She opened her middle desk drawer, pulled out a photo and handed it to me. “This was me three years ago. By the way, I don’t think I introduced myself. I’m Renee.”
I shook her hand and took the photo. I could tell it was Renee – same beautiful face only this one was accompanied by a double chin and chubby cheeks. I looked at her, then at the photo, then at her again.
“Amazing, isn’t it?” she said.
I nodded, handing the photo back to her. “Congratulations! You look fabulous.”
She opened the desk drawer and slid the photo inside. “And you can, too!”
I glanced down at my dowdy self. “Do you really think so?”
“Please,
have a seat. Let’s talk.”
I learned Renee was thirty-three and, after a bitter divorce brought about by her husband’s affair, had decided to change her life. Her story sounded all too familiar.
“After the divorce, I finished my college degree. I was only a few credits shy of earning that piece of paper but just never seemed to have the time to tackle classes and homework.”
“What did you study?”
“Communications. I work for a non-profit. Derrick and I have joint custody of Daisy so on the days she’s with him, I work here. The free gym membership is nice, and I’ve been studying to become a personal trainer. In fact, I take my test next week.”
I shifted in my seat. “Congratulations!”
“So, are you ready?”
I furrowed my brow. “Uh, for what?”
“To reinvent yourself!”
I bit my lower lip. “I’m not sure I could ever look like you.”
“It’s not about looking like me. It’s about you becoming healthier, taking charge of your life, your destiny.”
I glanced down at my middle and the muffin top protruding over my waistline. I’d come to hate that mound of fat more than anything. Once, I had a dream in which I took a pill and all the fat melted away. When I woke up and felt my stomach, I realized it was just a dream. The jiggly mound was still there, laughing at me.
I know weight gain isn’t uncommon for someone my age, but I needed to stop using that as an excuse. I thought about my list. If I wanted to run a marathon, I had to start somewhere. I sighed. “To be honest, I’m a bit scared.”
Renee sat up straighter. “Don’t be. It’s not going to be easy. Nothing great ever is. But if you want to get healthier…”
I interrupted her. “I want to run a marathon.”
Renee’s eyes widened. “Well, okay, then. If you want to run a marathon, you have to start somewhere. You don’t start running twenty-six miles in the first week.”
I laughed. “Probably never.”
Renee shook her finger. “Now, now, now. No negativity.”
I winced. “Sorry.”
“No worries. I remember when I first started coming here, I couldn’t do much and I felt like everyone was watching me.”
A Year of Second Chances Page 3