by Sean Stone
“Do not call me Barbie,” he said.
“We only want you to help with Panomie. After that you can go back to… whatever it is you do,” I promised.
“And you’ll unbind me?”
“Well, you just threatened to skin me so no but I will promise not to order you about again. That’s just as good as an unbinding.” Even I knew that wasn’t a promise I could keep. Still there was no chance I was ever going to unbind him. Not unless he convinced me that he wouldn’t come after me and what were the chances of that?
“Get on with it then. What do you want me to do?”
21
“Are you out of your tiny human mind?” Barbichu asked when I finished telling him what was going on and that I wanted him to take me to the fairy realm so I could catch Panomie. “Do you presume that the fairy world is just a big house with all the different species living inside it?”
“Well not quite,” I said. “I thought maybe there was a garden too.” He looked at me like I was an idiot. “A big garden,” I added.
“Idiot,” Ashley muttered.
“My sentiments exactly,” said Barbichu. “The fairy realm is just as large as this one. If not larger. And since I do not know who this Mr Panomie is, I would have an exceptionally difficult time finding him amongst the hundreds of other gnomes. And let us for a moment assume that I did find him. What would you then do?”
“Well, I’d catch him or kill him or something,” I said, once again feeling foolish.
“Hmm. How did that work out for you last time, remind me?” he said. I wish I hadn’t told him about my attempted capture of Panomie. “You can’t fight him because you don’t know how to hurt him.”
“Well hang on, I’ve only tried catching him, not killing him. We didn’t have a proper fight because he threw some iron at me and cut off my magic. In a proper fight who knows how it would go?” I said trying to save at least a small amount of face.
“I know how it would go” the imp shouted and raised his hand. “You’d die. You see you did have a proper fight and he took you out in the first round. Your magic can be stopped with iron and his can’t. What’s plan b?”
“You are,” Ashley said and Barbichu’s head snapped over to her. “That’s why we summoned you. Maybe we can’t do Panomie in but you can. We take you to Panomie and you kill him.”
“And why would I want to do that?” he asked with a sly grin.
I held my hand up to show him the ring. “Because you don’t have a choice.” He stared at the ring and growled. “So why don’t you stop asking questions and tell us how you’re going to find Panomie?”
“Eddie, Eddie, Eddie-beddie,” he said shaking his head slowly. “That bind won’t last forever. One day soon it will break and on that day—”
“I’ll be sorrier than a man who drew a samurai sword and cut off his cock. Yeah I got it. Stop the threats and give me some answers,” I said, quickly growing tired of the little menace. A long silent stare told me my comment dd not amuse him. It amused me and that was all that mattered.
“I could get rid of that darkness for you, you know. I have the ability. If you were to free me,” he offered. From threats to bargaining. Interesting.
“If I wanted you to do that I could just order you to. Our priority is Panomie,” I said.
“Eddie, if he can do it,” Ashley said and nodded for me to do it.
“After Panomie,” I told her.
“Don’t be scared of losing it, Eddie,” she said in a whisper as if she wanted to have a private conversation in front of Barbichu.
“I’m not scared I just want to deal with Panomie first. Please, Ash, trust me. I will destroy the darkness. As soon as Panomie is gone,” I told her. I could tell she was still unsure but she accepted what I was saying and stopped arguing. “So, Barbie, what’s the plan?”
“Don’t call me Barbie,” he growled.
“The plan?”
“I need to look into it. I’ll go down to the lower realm and do some digging. If you will allow me to?” he added the last bit in a mock humbled voice.
“Sure, but be back first thing in the morning,” I said. He nodded curtly and then vanished.
“Wow,’ Ashley said. “That could have gone so wrong.”
“Almost did,” said I.
“Eddie, do you promise to get him to destroy the darkness as soon as all this over?” she asked, her big green eyes looked at me pleadingly.
“Yes,” I said. “I just need it right now. If anything goes wrong with Panomie or Barbichu then I need the strength it gives me to deal with them,” I explained.
Ashley shook her head. “The darkness doesn’t give you strength, Eddie. It just takes away your conscience and makes you do bad things. It’s a curse, remember? Not a blessing.”
“I’m not going to let it control me, I promise.” There was a promise I couldn’t be sure I’d keep. “I will get rid of it.” Since making up with Ashley it seemed a hell of a lot easier to control anyway.
“Okay.” She smiled at me and I wanted to kiss her. Then it hit that actually I could kiss her. Or could I? What were we now? “Ashley… What are we? I mean we had sex and now…” I had no idea how to phrase the questions going through my mind.
Her cheeks blushed red and she shrugged. “I don’t know. Why don’t we just see what happens?” she said and she smiled again. There was no saying no to that smile.
“Yeah, let’s do that. Well, I should get on then,” I said standing up.
“Oh really? I thought you’d stay for dinner?” she said, standing up with me.
“Oh, yeah I’d love to. I just thought I shouldn’t because, you know.. your dad hates me and your mum told me to leave you alone.”
“Well my dad isn’t even in the country and my mum doesn’t make my decisions for me. I’ve decided to stay involved with you. And I’ve decided I want you to stay for dinner. We’ll be upstairs in my half of the house anyway.” Ashley and her parents had split the house in two so she could have her privacy without moving out.
“Alright then, what are we having?” I asked as she led me to the stairs. Just as we left the living room Leah came out of the kitchen her legs caked in mud.
“Good God, what happened to you?” Ashley said.
“I was playing in the garden and I got a bit muddy,” she said and giggled cheekily.
“Well get upstairs and change! I told you not to leave your room,” Ashley said pointing up the stairs. Leah scampered up them at once still giggling.
“So, what was for dinner?” I asked again, giggling a bit myself now.
“Your choice. Pizza or kebab,” said Ashley. I chose pizza and I ended up staying the night too. You don’t need to know what we got up to. But it was sex.
I sat bolt upright in bed, eyes open wide. The horrible screeching sound was coming from Barbichu who was perched on the end of the bed with his mouth wide open showing rows of pointed yellow teeth. The noise he was producing was like a hundred screaming toads. I went to kick him but he vanished reappearing over by the window.
“What are you doing?” I hissed and then noticed that Ashley had not woken up. She was still curled up under the duvet breathing softly.
“You told me to return first thing in the morning.” He pointed at the bedside clock which read: 00:01. “And I made sure only you would hear my scream. Punishment for calling me Barbie.”
I glared at him. “You’re an arsehole,” I said. Usually I was the annoying one. I did not care for the role reversal.
“You bound me,” he reminded me.
“So I did.” I looked down at the ring on my finger. “I command you never to punish me for anything ever again.” He sniffed and looked away.
“I’ll be waiting downstairs,” he said and then vanished again. I really wanted to learn how to teleport. As I could not I had to resort to walking down the stairs. After I’d put on some trousers of course. Barbichu didn’t get to see me in my briefs.
I found him in the living room
, sitting in Margie’s favourite chair and stroking a cat. Where he got the cat from was beyond me because Ashley did not have a cat.
“Get out of that chair,” I grunted as I collapsed onto the sofa. Even in my tired state I knew that Ashley would kill me for letting him — or anyone— sit in her mother’s chair. He teleported into the other chair and resumed stroking the cat. I wondered how he wasn’t an obese imp considering the minuscule effort he spent moving around. “Where did you get that cat?” I demanded.
Barbichu said nothing and instead placed his hand on top of the cats head and before I could stop him he twisted its neck. The cat yowled in agony as its neck cracked and then fell silent. Its head fell forward and hung limp. I was shocked and perhaps a little disgusted — it all happened too fast to tell.
“Why did you do that?!” I yelled.
“To demonstrate the perils of curiosity,” he said as if he’d done little more than write an equation on a board. “You’re pushing your nose into that which you would do best to stay away from. You should stay away from Panomie. Let him have his children.”
“They’re not his children. And do me a favour and save me any more of your lessons in the future. What did you find out?”
“Not a great deal. I asked here and there and nobody really knew much of anything. But they were all scared. It takes a lot to scare my kind so whatever Panomie has going on you should stay well away from.”
“If nobody knows anything then what are they scared of?” I asked. Something didn’t make sense. “I command you to tell the truth.” Just on the off chance that he was lying.
“I don’t know. But the name alone got them shivering. And trust me, me old chum-woggle, it takes a lot for any type of fairy to be scared of a gnome.” I decided to ignore the “chum-woggle” remark.
“Right, what now then?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged flamboyantly. “I did my bit.”
“Can’t we just pop down there and look for him?” I suggested. It really was the best I could come up with on such little sleep.
“We’ve been through this. There are approximately 3.4 million gnomes in the main gnome lands so do tell me how we are going to just pop down there and look for him?” He stared at me snarkily, his big eyes glowing in the dim light.
“Alright, well there’s no need to be a dick about it. What’s your suggestion?”
“We go to the kidnap sites and I’ll try and track him using magical residue he might have left,” Barbichu said. He began stroking the cat and I was really hoping that he had forgotten he’d killed it rather than intentionally stroking a dead cat.
“I already tried that. I got nothing.”
“That’t because you’re a weak human. I’m an imp, I have stronger senses.”
“Alright, fine. Just let me get some sleep first I’m still shattered. Wake me up when it’s a proper morning. And don’t scream at me this time,” I said and wandered back upstairs. “Oh, and get rid of that cat,” I called back over my shoulder. He gave me until sunrise and then woke me up by scolding my feet. At least there was no screaming.
22
I took Barbichu to the Penenden Heath woods, the most recent kidnap site. There he began walking around the trees placing his hand on the trunks delicately before moving on to the next. He kept his eyes closed throughout.
“Shouldn’t you wear a glamour or something?” Non-human looking races sometimes conjured a glamour that made them appear human to any unwitting folk.
“Why should I hide who I am?” he asked. He resumed stroking the trees, though he kept his eyes open.
“To avoid trouble.” Even Rachel respected the natural order of things. The supernatural stays hidden.
Barbichu giggled in the exact way you’d expect an imp to. Impishly. “What trouble would it cause me? I have nothing to fear from any human.” I couldn’t really argue with that so I let him get on with his work in silence. Whilst he molested the woodland I sent Ashley a quick text letting her know where I was and that I’d be back as soon as I could. I still couldn’t quite believe that I’d spent the night with her at long last. The thought of it made me feel like a giddy school boy. The excitement was a bit like how I felt when I lost my virginity, only better because the girl I lost my virginity to was a right skank. Seriously she looked like an ugly hippopotamus and she smelt like a trout. A really really old trout. I won’t go into any further detail because it’s just not classy and frankly you’re probably disgusted enough.
Finally Barbichu stood up and stared at me. “I’m getting something but I can’t quite be sure. Take me to another location so I can compare the… after-smell.” After-smell was an interesting term for it; I tend to call it a magical signature. Each to his own.
“Alright, but can’t you teleport us there?” I asked. I was still too tired for all the traveling around, even if we were using taxis.
“That’s not quite how it works, Eddie-Weddie. If I don’t know what it looks like I can’t teleport there,” he informed me.
“Seems like a pretty half-arsed ability to me,” I grumbled as I pulled my phone out and begin calling for a taxi.
“When you can do better I’ll hear your criticisms,” he shot back.
I screamed and dropped my mobile as a hideous bolt of pain thrashed my mind. I waited for it to relent but knew it would not when I realised what it was.
“What in the name of Rumplestiltskin is wrong with you?” Barbichu asked calmly.
“It’s him!” I gasped as the little voices began saying Panomie over and over. “I cast a spell to lead me to his target if they said his name,” I explained, clutching my head as if holding it would stop the pain.
“Well you need to get better at spells, young one.”
“If I get to the target’s location the pain will go!” I shouted above the voices in my head.
“Oh, well why didn’t you say?” he said with a flamboyant wave of his hand. “I can hijack the tracking element and use it to teleport right there.”
“I thought you couldn’t if you hadn’t been there before or whatever?”
“The spell will guide me,” he said. He placed his hand over the top of my head and even through my hair I could feel the coldness. His hand trembled and I actually felt him tapping into the spell. It felt like someone was poking around inside my mouth. Then we were gone. Everything around us just vanished in a quick swirling motion. The blackness which replaced it lasted only a second before we were in new surroundings. My stomach flipped over at least fifty times during the one-second journey and as soon as Barbichu released me I emptied my guts allover the floral carpet. The pain in my head was gone confirming that Barbichu had brought me to the correct location.
“Let it all out, Eddie-Beddie. It’s hard the first time,” Barbichu mocked gleefully.
I breathed deeply to try and bring my bowels back under control. I was about to say something when the door to the room burst open and looking around I realised where we were. “Fuck no,” I said. I could feel the colour draining from my face — what little colour was left.
“What’s going on?” said Ashley.
“Where’s Leah?” I asked frantically.
“In the garden. Why?” Ashley asked. She was starting to sound worried. Any second now she’d figure it out. I had to find a gentle way of telling her before she freaked out. But first we needed to get Leah in our line of sight.
“Let’s get her inside,” I said and headed for the garden.
“What is going on, Eddie?” Ashley asked, following me through the house.
“I need you to stay calm when I tell you.”
“Tell me what?”
“Oh for goodness sake. You humans never can just say what you need to. Your little crayon-gobbler is Panomie’s newest target,” Barbichu said jovially.
“What?” she shrieked.
“You bastard,” I said.
“Bastardy is not recognised in imps since marriage is not a thing,” he said matter-of-factly.
>
I found Leah out by the shed, sitting alone. Once again she had mud caked over her.
“What are you doing, Leah?” I asked softly. Squatting down to her level.
“Are you safe?” Ashley asked, practically pushing me aside.
“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” she asked innocently.
“Thank God. Come on, let’s get you inside. Me and Eddie have some questions for you,” Ashley said. She held out her hand for Leah to take.
“Okay,” she said cheerily and took hold of Ashley’s hand. Ashley looked down in horror and I didn’t need to follow her gaze to know why. I looked anyway and saw the ugly tin-coloured ring on Leah’s third finger. I guess Panomie was going to be easier to find.
Once sitting snuggly in the vomit-smelling living room (Barbichu had magically removed the vomit but not the smell) Leah told us everything. Mr Panomie had first come to her yesterday whilst me and Ashley were shut in the living room, and they’d played in the garden. That explained why she’d come in covered in dirt. He just played cards with her but then somehow it progressed to a marriage proposal. He was working faster with Leah than he had with the others.
“Do you even know what a marriage is?” I asked.
“When two people love each other and want to be together forever and have babies together,” she told me.
“And you want all that with Panomie?”
“Mr Panomie,” she corrected, as if defending his honour.
“You want that with Mr Panomie?” I asked.
“Not really. But I do want to be friends with him forever,” she said and smiled distantly.
“Did he say he wants to have babies with you?” Ashley asked. I could see the terror in her eyes.
Leah shook her head and Ashley relaxed a little. “No. He just said he wants me to go home with him and meet his friend.”
“What friend?” I asked. Leah shrugged again.
“Have I done something wrong?” she asked. This whole thing was nothing to her. It amazed me how little she sensed the abject danger she was in.