“But I don’t understand.”
“If there isn’t anything else you want, perhaps we could end this now?”
“But what are you going to do tonight?”
“Picking up mother and father in town.”
“Where?”
“In front of the City Theater. Are you satisfied?”
“No, I won’t be satisfied until you come back.”
“Bye-bye!” he said and hung up on me.
At first I didn’t know what to do. Then I decided to go to town and wait in front of the theater until he came. I’ll stand where he can’t see me, but where I can observe him, I thought. I just wanted to see him again.
It would be several hours until the play ended, so I went to the movies first. Then I went back and sat on a bench in Järnvägsparken. I didn’t dare go any closer. But if he came, he would have to drive past, so I would see his car and know that it was he.
After four cigarettes he turned up. I hate his car. As soon as I see a red Cortina, there is a twinge in my stomach. He stopped at the theater entrance and hopped out. His parents came out and climbed in back, and he sat behind the wheel and drove off. I left then. I felt totally numb.
After a while a guy began to walk by my side. He had light, cropped hair and was in his thirty’s.
“Hello, where are you going?” he said.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“No, it doesn’t matter.”
“Then you can come home with me for a while.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t do anything.”
“But you don’t have to do anything.”
“I can’t even manage to talk, so you had better ask someone else.”
“What are you going to do then?”
“I don’t know. Walk here.”
“No, it would be better if you came home with me. If you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to.”
“What will we do then?”
“Well, we could listen to music, for example. Do you like music?”
“Yes, but that would just be boring for you.”
“I don’t expect anything from you.”
“Then why do you want me to come home with you?”
“Just because… When I saw you walking there, I thought you seemed so down and sad in some way.”
“And then you intended to play the Good Samaritan?”
“No, not exactly...”
“But there’s no point in it.”
“Well, come now. I promise you that you don’t have to do anything.”
So I walked along with him. He lived in an apartment on Vretgränd, and he had a stereo equipment and lots of LP records at his place.
When you listen to stereophonic music in ear phones the sound comes from two directions and mixes in your head. I listened to Tjajkovskij’s piano concerto number 1. Meanwhile he made tea and some sandwiches.
“I saw you when you were still in Järnvägsparken,” he said when we sat down and ate. “And then when you went across the street.”
“Where were you?”
“In front of Folkets Hus.”
“I see.”
“Yes, and then it occurred to me that you were sad.”
“Why?”
“I don’t really know. Because you were like sleep walking, possibly.”
What did he think? That I had went across the street without checking for traffic because I wanted to kill myself?
“You are welcome to tell me about it, if you want to,” he said.
“I must be off now,” I said.
“Okay. But if you want to talk about it some time, you are welcome back.”
“Thanks, but that probably won’t be necessary.”
Then I left. He was probably just some damned psychology student who wanted to practice on real people.
I walked on the road in the dark and wished that I didn’t exist. If you don’t exist, you can’t feel, and if you can’t feel, it doesn’t hurt.
There wasn’t very much traffic. Some guys put all their searchlights on when they saw someone walking along the roadway, and some hooted. Finally, it was one that stopped. He came from behind and pulled over a bit farther on. The only things visible were the rear lights and the reflection on the asphalt in front of the car. It felt unsafe that someone sat in the dark and waited for me to come closer. I tried not to worry about it and moved on, and when I came midway to the car, I heard a voice ask me if I wanted a lift. But I was almost home by then, so I didn’t go with him.
I don’t want to wait! Why do I have to wait? I want to know now! But I can’t, because he has so many things he needs to think through. He doesn’t care that I can’t be without him and that I don’t know what to do in the meantime. Sometimes it almost feels like I hate him because he doesn’t want to see me. But I love him and want him to come back. I’m so afraid that he won’t.
I could tell him that I’m pregnant, because if I were, I know that he would never dump me. If I wait until the next time I have had my period, I can tell him afterwards that I never got it, and then he’ll probably start seeing me again, and I have almost a month to show him that I have changed. I have to show it to him, because if I just say it, he won’t believe me. I will never be disappointed if he doesn’t want to see me, or if he must drive home early some evening, and I won’t believe that it means he doesn’t care about me. And sometimes I will say that we can’t meet. If I’m supposed to be pregnant I can pretend that I’m tired, because you probably are in that state. But I would rather that he begins to believe that I’m tired of him, and that’s why I don’t want to see him so often.
Wednesday, 28 October 1964
I’ve been with my sis’ in town looking for purses. I can’t really afford something new, but I thought I could possibly be lucky and find a cheap one, because my black one, which I use in the fall and winter, isn’t up to much anymore. In school I only use my brown nylon bag, but for my free time (the evenings when I go out, that is), I have my purse. In it, in addition to a comb, mirror, pen, notebook, money, keys, cigarettes and matches, I keep a small make-up bag with make-up things. There is an eye-lining pencil, mascara, lipstick and some other stuff. The lipstick is a Jane Helen which is more pink than bright red, because I don’t like it when the lipstick is very noticeable. I never use lipstick in school. There I just have a little chap-stick on my lips if they feel dry. E-L has a little jar of Vicks, instead of chapstick. She always has that jar with her and takes a little out with her long finger and draws it around her lips and presses them together to spread it evenly. And on her fingernails (or cuticles, rather) she also uses it. Actually, you are supposed to smear some of it on your chest when you have a cold and lie and breathe in the vapors, but she uses it on her lips and on her cuticles.
I wasn’t able to get up early and go to school. I stayed at home and went out. On the E4 a car slowed down and the man driving it wondered if I would like to come along and “have some fun”. He had a child’s safety seat in the back and was rather old. It’s disgusting when those who are married and have children are out running for girls, I think.
Yesterday evening, I went to town. I got some booze from Kåre and Rolle, but they had only a little squirt left, so I didn’t get drunk. When they had left, I went out on the bridge on Skolgatan. It smelled of gasoline and exhaust from the cars cruising on Svartbäcksgatan, and the street lights reflected in the water. I tried to imagine what it would feel like to sink beneath the surface of the water and drown. But if I were going to take my life, I would use sleeping pills. But I don’t know how I could get hold of them.
Some guys came up and started talking to me. They noticed that I was sad and the best-looking one asked what was wrong.
“Has your guy left you?” he said.
And one of them came closer and said:
“Is she sad, the sugar baby? Diddle her a little, and she’ll probably be glad.”
Then they went away and I rode with two idiots who offered Eau-de-Vie.
I called Lasse though I still haven’t got my period.
“Engström,” his mom answered.
“May I speak to Lasse?” I said.
“Just a moment, I’ll go and see about it.”
Then it took a hell of a long time before he came.
“Lasse,” he said.
“Hallo, it’s me,” I said.
“Hi,” he said shortly.
“Were you outside?”
“Yes, I was in the garage. What do you want?”
“I just want to hear if you have anything special planned tomorrow evening.”
“What about it?”
“Well, if not, I thought we could possibly meet.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to see you.”
“Do you have difficulty getting it, or what the hell is the matter?”
“Yes, I don’t understand why we can’t meet and talk instead of carrying on like this.”
Then it got quiet, as if he thought about it, and then he said:
“Yes, you are possibly right… Okay then, when do you want me to come?”
“At the usual time, if you can?”
“Yes, it’s agreed. See you then, my little one!”
I felt so happy when he called me “little one” and he didn’t sound angry anymore, but I don’t dare believe that he has changed his mind and that things will be all right between us again. He only went along with meeting me because he feels sorry for me. But I’m happy anyway. It’s such a long time since I saw him.
When I sat in the car, Lasse gazed at me, drew me close and said:
“Little Star Eye, I had almost forgotten how beautiful you are!”
Why does he say things like that when it isn’t true?
We didn’t drive to his home, because he was going to pick up his parents from a party. We drove out to the country instead and he stopped on a forest road. I had my tight skirt of burled cloth on, and he tried to pull it up. When it didn’t work, he wanted me to take it off – and my panties as well – and he moved over to my seat and opened his fly. He already had an erection and opened a Durex packet with his teeth and rolled the rubber on. Then I placed myself over him on my knees so that he could get it in.
“If only you knew how much I have missed you!” he said as he pulled me down on him. “There isn’t anyone who is as wonderful as you are!”
He lifted and pushed me up and down. Finally, it was dry and it almost hurt, but he continued until he had come. Then he was wet with sweat, and he collapsed with his head against my shoulder.
“Are you going to kill me? he said. My heart can’t cope with things like this!”
When I had climbed off of him, and he had taken off the rubber and dried himself with a handkerchief, we smoked.
Why do you always want to smoke afterwards?
I was happy, because it felt as if everything was like it was before and as if he didn’t want to be without me.
“Why did you come tonight? I said.
“Because I didn’t think it was fair to you to make you wait any longer.”
“So you’ve made up your mind?”
“Yes.”
Then I could see from his facial expression that he didn’t want us to go on, and I got totally cold.
“Tell me then!” I almost screamed.
“I think it would be best if we didn’t see each other anymore,” he said.
“But why did you want to fuck then? Why did you want to fuck if you mean that it should be over?”
“Yes, I know it was wrong.”
“But why did you do it? And why did you say all the things you have said now?”
“I don’t know. Old habits, possibly. But it makes no difference.”
“But tell me what I have done!”
“Don’t start with that again. I have already explained the reasons.”
“That we are too different?”
“Yes, and I think you are too young to commit yourself. I was myself when I was your age.”
“But there is a difference between guys and girls. Girls mature earlier.”
“Yes, that’s possible. But I believe that you want to be free for a while before you commit yourself seriously to someone.”
“Speak for yourself!”
“Yes, that’s possibly true for me too. But that doesn’t mean that...”
“Tell it like it is instead of chattering around it like this! Say that you think I’m childish and immature and that you want me to go to hell so you get rid of me!”
“Well, then I say so!” he said.
I was out of the car before I had time to think. At the same time as I slammed the door I knew he wouldn’t come after me. He didn’t care where I went. He didn’t want to have anything more to do with me. He would be happy if I just disappeared and never came back again. If I had dared, I would have gone into the woods and stayed there until he had driven off. But I didn’t have my purse and coat with me, so I turned around and went back.
“Forgive me,” he said when I sat beside him in the car again.
“For what?”
“For everything.”
It was so dark that I almost couldn’t see him.
“Sometimes I get so damned tired of everything,” he said.
“Of everything?”
“Yes, the job, studying, money and...”
“And me! So now there will be at least one worry less.”
“You don’t have to mock me.”
“I don’t. I’m glad if it will be better for you without me.”
“I admire you.”
“Admire me?”
“Yes, because you’re able to be so large-minded and unselfish.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I think so.”
“But that’s just the way I am not! It feels like you are making fun of me when you talk like that.”
I can’t remember everything we said. Finally, he started the engine and turned on the headlights.
“It’s just as well that we push off?”
“Yes, you are supposed to pick up your parents.”
“They can wait. But I don’t think we will make any progress with this.”
“No, I don’t think so, either.”
Suddenly, I felt calm and strong, as if it were I and not he who had decided that it should be over. It was so strange.
When we got to town, I said:
“You can drop me off here, so that you don’t have to drive me home.”
“No, of course I’ll drive you.”
“But I’m not going home yet.”
Then he pulled over without a word and waited for me to climb out.
“I don’t want to go,” I said. “Why must it be...”
“Make up your mind now, damn it! I don’t have all night.”
And then I left. I went down to the river and smoked. The only thing I could think of was that I wanted to drink myself drunk and try to forget about what had happened. But so much, that you can forget a thing like that, you can’t drink without passing out. And I couldn’t give up the hope that things are going to be all right again. He can have regrets. So at the same time as I was afraid, I thought that if only some time has passed by, he will probably come back. Today I feel almost certain of it. If it’s true that he loves me, as he has shown the entire time, he can’t just stop feeling that way all of a sudden.
Anyway, I drank yesterday. There were some guys in an Opel Caravan who offered it. But they only had little pure snaps with soda mixed in, so I didn’t become drunk. I didn’t say anything about Lasse to them and I tried not to think about him. I felt petrified. But now I believe that he is going to come back. He has to, because otherwise I don’t know what will happen.
Kicki went with me to the movies, but she didn’t want to go out on the town and took the bus straight home. I stood in the entrance to Radiohörnan and waited f
or someone to come by. Everything felt so meaningless. I didn’t want to stand there and freeze, and I didn’t want to ride with anyone but Lasse. But he doesn’t want me.
Finally, an E-marked Volkswagen Beetle stopped, and the guy who sat inside stuck his head out and asked if I were going home.
“Yes, I suppose so.”
“Come then, I’ll give you a lift.”
He was broad-shouldered and good-looking I saw when I had got into the car. He looked like a cop, with short, brown hair and a dark overcoat. When he had asked where I lived, he said:
“What have you done this evening?”
“Well, what do you usually do on this street?”
“I don’t know. I’m very seldom here.”
“Where are you usually?”
“Well, if I’m not at home in Linköping, I usually sit in my room and read.”
“Are you studying?”
“Yes.”
“What?”
“Law.”
“At the university?”
“Yes.”
“But when you are out having fun, what do you usually do?”
“Then I frequent the student’s clubs. And you?”
“You mean when I go out to have fun?”
“Yes.”
“Then I’m cruising and boozing.”
I don’t know why I said it like that, because he hadn’t done anything.
“I don’t think you seem to be that sort of girl,” he said.
“You don’t? But I am.”
Then it was silent. I wondered what he was thinking and if he regretted picking me up.
“Why did you stop?” I asked.
“Well, that’s more than I can answer. But this isn’t the kind of thing I usually do, anyway.”
“That you pick up raggarbrudar on the street, you mean?”
Then he stiffened up and looked unpleasantly affected.
“Well, you could put it that way if you like...”
I knew I was nasty, but I wanted him to see reality, so that he wouldn’t imagine things.
Then I felt so tired. I lit a Savoy and leaned my head against the window.
“Don’t you feel well?” he said. “Should I stop?”
“No, it’s nothing,” I said.
Help me, please help me! I thought.
But he couldn’t read thoughts.
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