Sunday, 13 December 1964
When it’s Saturday you should be out and enjoy yourself when you are young, so yesterday I went out and danced. Solan and I were out. E-L was in town, as usual and rode with some guys who offered her spirits.
I think she needs to pull herself together, because it can never be a good thing to carry on like she does. And it drives us apart, because I don’t want to go out with her when liquor is the only thing she has in her head (and body).
I had rather fun and got to dance almost every dance. But there were some who had started beforehand with Lucia Day celebrations and I don’t like to dance with boys who aren’t sober. I prefer sober and well-behaved boys, whose breath doesn’t anesthetize you, and who have good leg and foot coordination. If they are in really bad shape you must almost hold them up, and that’s something you don’t want to do. Why is there such a shortage of pleasant boys? In all this time, when I have been out, I have met at most ten boys that I could even think of continuing to see. And the interest must also be mutual for it to become something.
Today it’s Lucia Day, but we celebrated it in school yesterday, because we don’t go to school on Sundays. (Pretty soon we won’t go on Saturdays either, as per a proposal that hasn’t been approved yet.)
The only time of the year I’m glad to be early at school is at the Lucia celebration. Because, I think the Lucia procession is beautiful, and it’s at its best while it’s still dark outside. As long as we had Söderberg it was good in any case, because she had control of the situation. I participated then and was a star boy. We came down from the art hall, where we had changed into our costumes, and sang the entire way up the stairs to the assembly hall where everyone sat and waited. It was so atmospheric and beautiful. We have such nice Lucia celebrations at the girls’ school. Every year the procession goes out to the Fyris River and meets the Fjellstedtska school’s Lucia procession, which consists of only boys (their Lucia is also male), and if there is ice on the water in the river, both Lucias meet in the middle while their attendants remain on their respective waterside and sing. And in the classrooms we have lighted candles on our desks and drink coffee and eat ginger bread. It’s bloody fine, I have to say! And everyone is sober, because we go to a first-rate and respectable school, all of us!
The pedestrian way on Kungsängsgatan between Bangårdsgatan and Stora Torget is complete now. I walked there when I got to town. Pine branch garlands were strung across the way with lanterns in them. On Svartbäcksgatan and Drottninggatan and around Stora Torget garlands have also been set out.
In front of Polyfoto I met a guy who asked if I wanted to go dancing with him at Bälinge Community Center. He offered me a cigarette and lit it with a Consul lighter, just like the one Lasse had.
I rode with four guys in an Impala. All of them except for the driver were drunk. I got drunk, too.
I don’t remember where we went. We weren’t only in town, because sometimes it got dark outside. Two of the guys fell out and went out to fight. When they got in again one of them had a bloody nose. They played “Little Honda” by the Beach Boys and “Long, Tall Sally” by the Beatles. Once when the car had stopped I lay on the ground. There was asphalt there and an empty bicycle rack that I held on to. One of the guys got angry and thought they should go and leave me behind, but then they all helped to lift me into the back seat again. They took off my boots and panties and said they were going to fuck me. I wasn’t able to care about it because I was so drunk. But they just stuck in a bottle – the neck of a bottle – and pushed and pulled a little with it.
I got home at three, and pop was up. He had been to the toilet and entered the hall just as I came in.
“Is it about time to come home now!” he said.
He must have noticed that I was drunk, but even so he said nothing more. He doesn’t say anything because he knows that he can’t do anything about it. If he pretends that nothing is wrong, he doesn’t have to deal with it, and thanks to that he can avoid admitting that he isn’t able to deal with it.
This morning I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to remember what I had done. I got up at seven o’clock and drank water and went to the toilet. Then I fell asleep again and slept until 2:30 p.m. Now it’s almost five o’clock. I won’t drink anything tonight. Just thinking of that spiced snaps I drank last night makes me feel sick. But it’s Lucia, and if anyone offers me booze I probably won’t be able to say no.
I walked on Svartbäcksgatan in the rain and saw the lines of glistening cars gliding slowly forward in the light from the store windows and neon signs. They have hung up garlands with lamps across the street and the light reflected in the car roofs as the cars drove by underneath.
At the square there was a line. The motors were idling and white exhaust clouds swirled out behind the cars. I passed a raggarbil with Christmas tinsel on the radio antenna, and the guy driving revved the engine and tapped with his fingers against the steering wheel while he waited for the line to start moving. It was a Chevrolet Bel Air with knee crushers on the bumpers and a jet airplane for the hood ornament. I have never cruised in a car like that.
I stood in the entrance to Pennspecialisten, because I didn’t know if I wanted to go with anyone or not. Everything felt so meaningless. Lasse is gone and will never come back, and the only thing I can do is to start cruising and boozing again. But it can never again be the way it was before I met him. Everything is destroyed. The only time I don’t care so much about it is when I’m drunk. Kicki thinks I’ll meet someone else who I can fall in love with, but I will be waiting for Lasse as long as I live. So it probably won’t be very long.
I went with two guys and a girl in a black Chrysler. The guy in back was drunk, but he didn’t have anything to offer me. He wanted to fuck, and I didn’t know why I should say no, so when we had stopped at a secluded place he stripped me below the waist and laid himself on top of me and did it. While he was doing it Elvis was singing “One Night”. When I heard the music and smelled the scents of spirits and White Horse, my tears began to flow, but it was so dark that he didn’t notice.
Tuesday, 15 December 1964
“Kvällstoppen”: 1) “I Feel Fine” 2) “Fröken Fräken” 3) “Sleep Little Girl”.
On Sunday E-L went with two boys and a girl, and she let the boy she was with lay her though she didn’t know him or even like him. Or she possibly liked him, but she didn’t love him, and I think you should feel that way to lay someone. If she continues as she does now, and drinks every weekend and furthermore, begins to lay guys right and left, you never know how it will end. (It can end up in hell.) But on Sunday she wasn’t drunk. The guy had drunk a little, but not she, just for once. But I remember there was a time when we wouldn’t think of going with boys who weren’t sober. We watched out for boys who used spirits. It was out of the question me being with a boy who drank, and I wouldn’t drink myself, either. But then we started with it anyway.
Tomorrow evening we will go to see a Swedish film called “Susanne”.
Wednesday, 16 December 1964
I don’t really know how it happened, but today when E-L and I were at Café Regent having coffee we drifted on to the subject of sex (and that’s a pleasant and interesting subject to drift on to!). Then E-L said (among other things), that she has never masturbated, and that surprised me a little because I thought all young people did that. The first time I remember that I did it was when I was only nine years old. At that time, I slept in the living room with mamma, while Anita lay in the bedroom and papa slept in the kitchen in a fold-away bed. But papa came in to mamma, of course, and sometimes I woke up and heard them when they were together. I understood what it was, so I didn’t dare tell them to stop, though I thought it was unpleasant. I lay there and couldn’t avoid hearing, and even though I thought it was unpleasant, it awakened a lust in me, and that was when I began to masturbate. And it’s probably like smoking, that you can’t stop doing it when you once have started. Because later I kept on doing it w
hen I slept alone, also.
Nowadays it’s mostly in connection with meeting some nice boy that I get sexual feelings. Sometimes when I have been turned on it has been a little problematic, because it doesn’t exactly make the boys cool off when you are being responsive, but I always come to a point when it passes away and I don’t want to go any further. So you could almost say that I use the boys. But they accept it, I think (with some exceptions). A police officer who talked with E-L on Svartbäcksgatan once, said that if the boys in the cars don’t get what they want, they don’t accept the girls, but I don’t think that is true. No one has turned his back on us because we have set limits. On the contrary, there are some that have seemed to value it. And I’m in no rush to get rid of my virginity. That E-L carries on as she does, that she lays almost anybody, only strengthens my intention of waiting. And it’s not at all sexual feelings that drives her, but some kind of self-destructiveness or desperation.
It’s eight days until Christmas Eve. I got a note from Kicki in class. “What do you want for a Christmas present?” she wrote. “I want money, clothes and spirits,” I wrote back. “What do you want?” Because, what I want most of all, there is no point in wishing for.
After school I bought a detective novel for 3.50 kronor called “Poisoned to Death”. This evening Kicki and I are going to see the film “Susanne”. It’s about a car accident.
Thursday, 17 December 1964
After the movies E-L thought we should get hold of some who had something drinkable to offer (not soft drinks, that is), but I didn’t feel like it, so I went home. And E-L neither drank nor lay anybody she said today. I think it’s good she isn’t together with Lasse anymore, but I hope she doesn’t get pregnant instead or revert to alcohol abuse.
In the film we went to, Susanne, the feminine main character, got pregnant. But the thing that made the strongest impact on me was a car accident which was shown. When the film played in Stockholm, I heard that young people competed to see who could stand most of the accident and operation scenes without throwing up or fainting. (The film was made by two doctors – Elsa and Kit Colfach – as propaganda against reckless driving, so you get to see a lot of things like that.) But I think I got through it rather well.
Friday, 18 December 1964
After all, I can’t stop worrying about E-L. She is so quiet, and she usually isn’t that way. In a book I’m reading right now, they compare two girls who are committed to a girls’ home. Both are in despair, and one of them goes around talking about and showing her feelings, while the other one sits quietly by herself and keeps everything she feels inside. And the silent one is in the worst way because she has given up hope and no longer thinks there is any way out, while the other one, who is extrovert, still hopes and believes that she will get help. I don’t really know which category E-L belongs to. She hasn’t given any insinuations that she is thinking about killing herself for a long time now, but she isn’t happy, and I know that she still hopes that Lasse will come back. That’s probably what keeps her going.
It never gets properly cold. Today it’s -2° C outside and it has been so mild and milder for a long time. Is that enough to freeze to death if you lie down in the woods and sleep? Or can you drink so much liquor that you become poisoned and die anyway? Here is what it says in the encyclopedia:
Alcohol’s wide use as a means of inebriation is based on the often pleasant affects which follow imbibing alcoholic drinks. Small doses can produce a feeling of spiritual and bodily comfort and a favorable state of mind. After bigger doses liveliness becomes more marked, and even the shy and timid become talkative. The face reddens and the pulse is faster than normal. Self- evaluation diminishes. Difficulties and worries disappear in intoxication’s fog and with more alcohol use, judgment and coherence of thoughts are even weaker, so that the intoxicated commits unjustified and impulsive acts. Unclear and slurred speech and faltering steps are also common symptoms of marked intoxication. Further, symptoms of alcohol poisoning include onset of sleepiness, possibly also partially caused by increased exertion while intoxicated. When awake once again, one often has a sense of sickness, a depressed mood, vomiting, etc. With extremely powerful alcohol consumption, the intoxicated person is unconscious with a bad pulse, slowly snoring breathing, a low body temperature and a bluish skin coloration. Death can be a result in this condition. Often, feeling unwell and vomiting occurs before this situation develops, whereby a continuing alcoholic consumption is prevented.
So it’s possible, only you don’t puke.
Sunday, 20 December 1964
Yesterday we had a school Christmas commencement, and we got our semester grades. I was a little disappointed in the grade in domestic science, because I know I’m good at preparing food. I might have been a little lazy when it comes to the theoretical part, but I could have gotten a bit higher grade in the other part, I think.
E-L has a tendency to cut her domestic science classes, but I think it’s fun to prepare food. (We are fortunately in different groups, because otherwise I would probably also play hooky.) We usually prepare food and set the table, and I think it’s fun, because in that situation I can show my talents without feeling nervous. There it isn’t about expressing oneself verbally (which I’m actually not bad at, but which I still have difficulty with). So I think that that low grade is unjust. I would like to complain about it, but I probably won’t.
Yesterday evening E-L and I rode with some guys who had spirits. Actually, I didn’t want to, but when a car with two boys stopped and E-L hopped in, I did the same, even though I saw that they had a bottle. They asked if we wanted to have a grog with pure snaps and soft drink, and E-L drank of course (more than she could handle) and became drunk and disorderly. When we got out in town again, (at her initiative), I had to take care of her and try to hold her upright, and it was no plaisir, because she is bloody heavy when she relaxes like that and doesn’t want to do anything herself. “I’m helping you,” I said, but she didn’t listen and finally I couldn’t manage any longer and I was forced to let her go. She collapsed in front of Otto Carlsson’s Furniture Store and it wouldn’t have been so smart to let her lie there, because if some police officers came by they would see her immediately. But she struggled against me and didn’t want to help when I tried to get her up, and I almost got mad at her, because she wasn’t that bloody drunk. But she always does like that when she drinks, that she lies down somewhere and doesn’t want to get up again. Fortunately, a car stopped and I got some help to get her into the back seat. They were two guys, and one of them was very pleasant, I thought. He was called Janne and he was 20 years old.
First we went up to the castle and looked at the view. E-L wanted to get out, and while she and the other guy were outside, Janne offered me a cigarette (Commerce, moderate size), and asked what I do during the daytime. He worked at Melanderska as a hardware salesman, but he was thinking about starting studies at Hermod’s and educating himself to become an engineer.
Then we had to go out and help the other guy with E-L, who had tried to crawl under the Gunilla Bell. She was so difficult and didn’t want to get back into the car. Finally, we got her in anyway, and after a while she had sobered up to the extent that it was possible to talk with her, and then she said she wanted to get out into town again. (It’s always the same old story when she is drunk!) And it wasn’t possible to persuade her to stay in the car, so they dropped her off on Svartbäcksgatan. Then they gave me a lift home, and before I got out, Janne said he hoped we would meet again. But that must mean in town, in that case, because he didn’t ask for my telephone number. E-L went with a guy in a Ford, she said today when she called.
You can wonder what it is that causes me to participate in her drinking, because at the same time as I do it, I have the conviction that it isn’t anything for me to be involved in. And I have such mixed feelings about going to town with her when she is drunk. On the one hand, it satisfies my need to take care of another and be the one who is the most capable an
d sensible, on the other hand, I don’t think it’s especially fun. I think that she dramatizes sometimes and becomes bothersome. When she goes over a certain limit and seems drunk instead of just tipsy, I actually don’t want to be involved any longer, because then we haven’t fun anymore. But it’s also possibly my fault that she lets herself go the way she does. Because I’m the one who gives her space and the opportunity to do it by never drinking so much that I lose control myself. And in contrast to E-L, who regrets not beginning to drink earlier, this is what I think: This is something I do now, but it’s not something that I want to keep doing. And this attitude has to do with papa. It’s because he drinks that I’m so certain that I will never begin drinking seriously myself. When I take some liquor, it isn’t at all the way it is when he drinks, and I know it will never be that way, either. I know as sure as fate that alcohol is nothing for me, and therefore I’m not afraid.
We’re going out again this evening. First we are going to Fågelsången for coffee, and then we’re going to do the twist. No, we’re going into town, and there you are not allowed to dance. If you do it there, you will soon have the police on you. You are not permitted to attract attention in a public place. If you are happy, you must be careful about showing it when the police are around. I hope that E-L will not be stubborn about wanting to drink again, but will rather consider going with some boys that don’t have any spirits, because otherwise I’m not interested. I only want to go with guys who don’t have anything, because a boy who drinks (or boozes, rather) I could never be together with. No matter how much in love I were with him, I would skip him if he drank. Besides, I could never fall in love with someone who did that. That’s what I believe, anyway. I wouldn’t allow myself to do it. E-L doesn’t want that either, she’s said, and I believe her, because she always wants to be the center of attention and play the leading part, and that doesn’t work with a boy who also wants that role. That’s probably why she fell for Lasse. He didn’t like to drink, and furthermore, he was the care giving type, whom I believe she prefers.
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