Seizing Control

by Kylie Hillman

  “He loves you,” Timber persists, slinging an arm around my shoulders and pulling me into his chest. “He wants you back.”

  “It too late, we’re over. He's only doing this because he doesn't want anyone else to have me. He didn't want me during the five months I was chasing him.” I point out.

  “No, because you moving on made him realize he’s being an idiot. He blames himself for everything that happened and he thought you'd be safer without him.”

  Ignoring Timber’s attempted justification of Mik’s stupidity, I pull myself from the sanctuary that his arms offer. I give him a cheeky kiss on the lips, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing myself against him. I run my fingers through his long hair, loving the feel of his silky locks.

  “Why can't we explore where we could go? We both know we would be good together. It's a win-win for both of us. You wouldn't be Juliette’s dirty little secret anymore and I know Mik wouldn't be able to scare you away.”

  I flutter my eyelashes at him teasingly. His lips purse at my suggestion and his light blue eyes become hooded with desire. To be honest, I'm only half teasing. I find Timber very attractive, inside and out, and I know he feels the same about me although he tries to hide his feelings for me. We'd be good together and it would definitely fix both of our romantic woes. I think I could make myself be happy with Timber even though he doesn't make my heart race and my belly flutter like Mik does. Timber gently but firmly pushes me into a standing position.

  "Go to bed or something, crazy woman. Talk like that will get me fucking killed,” he advises me, his hands holding my hips tightly. His face contorts in pain, almost as if he’s finding it hard to take his hands off me. I shrug with fake nonchalance at the irony of his statement, the pain of Mik’s desertion resurfacing. I doubt I'm ever going to find someone who loves me enough to go against Mik.

  “Don't look at me like that. I'll tell you right now. I'd love nothing better than to have your beautiful body and your big fucking heart for my own but we both know that's not gonna happen when you're still head over fucking heels for my best friend. If you ever manage to get over him, I'll be first in line waiting for you. It's never gonna happen though so you two need to put us all out of our misery and sort your shit out. The world’s out of whack when the Prince and Princess aren’t together.”

  His words affect me more than I expected and my mind lets me briefly picture us together in bed, his huge bodybuilder sized physique dominating me as he drives himself into me. I press my thighs together at the thought. Oblivious, he turns me towards the hallway that leads to my bedroom, slapping me on the arse to get me moving. Poking my tongue out at him over my shoulder, I try to hide my reaction to his frank, honest and surprisingly arousing words. I salute him as I grab my handbag and head for the hallway that leads to my lonely bedroom.

  "Don't say I didn't warn you,” he yells after me.

  "What are you warning me about?” I yell back as I walk slowly down the hallway, waiting for his smartass response. I unzip my ridiculously expensive cocktail dress as I go. What a waste of a good dress tonight turned out to be.

  Rolling my eyes at the silence that meets my question, I open my bedroom door. I’m barely three steps into my room, and beginning to pull my dress from my shoulders, when I spot Mik laying on my queen sized bed as if he belongs there. With his arms folded behind his head and wearing only his jeans, he looks like a badass, tattooed cover model and my stomach feels as a million butterflies have just taken flight in response. I stare at him dumbfounded. His gorgeous hazel eyes pin me to the spot with their intensity as his gaze roams over every part of my body.

  Grasping my unzipped dress to my chest, I gulp at the sight before me before turning my back to him and sticking my head out of the door.

  “Yeah, thanks for the warning. You're a true friend!” I yell at Timber, sarcasm dripping from each word.

  “Anytime, Princess.”

  His booming laughter floats down the hallway.

  I slam my door shut, leaning my forehead against it as I try to muster the strength to deal with Mik. Making up my mind that I'm going to kill Timber once I get rid of his surprise, I pull my dress back into place. I'm forced to leave it unzipped because it's too hard to do up without giving him a free show. I brace myself for the coming confrontation. Lord give me strength!

  Spinning on my heel, I face the man who is currently causing the migraine that's beginning over my right eye.

  The man who I love with every fibre in my body.

  The man who broke my heart.

  The man I would take back in a heartbeat if he could only make me believe that he wasn't here—in my room finally—only because he’s jealous that someone else might be trying to play with his toy. His damaged, completely fucked up, and discarded toy.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I spit through gritted teeth. “Your welcome expired a month ago when you told me to leave you alone for, like, the five hundredth time.”

  He rolls effortlessly onto his side and pats the bed in front of him. He flashes his trademark sexy half grin at me and I try my hardest not to melt. It's taking everything I have to hold onto my anger. I miss him.

  “You should finish taking that dress off and come sit with me. We have some fucking catching up to do.”

  "Yeah, that's not going to happen. You have serious issues if you think waltzing into my room uninvited and expecting me to undress and hop into bed with you is going to happen after you dumped me. You need to leave right now before I call the police or even better my Dad.”

  Turning my back on my obstinate ex-fiancé, I reach into my handbag and pull out my phone. After entering my passcode, I start scrolling through my recent calls for my Dad’s number. I might have been bluffing about calling the police—I am the daughter of a MC President after all—but I wasn't bluffing about calling my father.

  He might actually be the one person who is more upset with Mik than I am.

  Everyone who matters to me has been trying to get us back together since we broke up. At the start they were working on Mik but they've all turned their attention to me lately. But not my Dad, he is angry at the world since Connor and Sherri haven't been found yet and he's taking it all out on Mik. I don't know the details why but I welcome his support of my choice to move on.

  Strong arms wrap around my waist and pry my phone from my fingers. I try to squirm from his embrace so I can put some distance between us but I fail when he turns me to face him and pulls our lower bodies forcefully together. My hips fit perfectly with his and the arms that wrap around my waist, big hands resting on my backside, feel like home.

  “Fucking hell, Lainey. All I'm asking for is a chance. I know I fucked up big time, but I thought I was ending us for the right reasons. I was fucking stupid and running scared. I know now that we fucking belong together. You're mine and I'm yours.” Mik pleads, his warm breath fanning over my ear and my neck due to the way he has my head tucked into the crook of his neck. My skin breaks out in goose bumps in response.

  “I don't understand your right reasons, Mik. I don't understand how we got into this whole damn mess. You left me, battered and bruised, and alone in our bed at the Clubhouse. Two days after I'd been beaten and raped again. Two days after I killed a man.”

  All of the hurt and resentment that I feel towards him rushes to the surface and I begin to cry. I've tried to be strong, tough, and brave. I've tried to pretend that I'm happy without him and that I'm moving on, but I can't anymore. I love the gigantic idiot.

  “You walked away from me when you said you never would. I know I was and still am damaged goods but I wasn't broken until you left me. Now I'm broken and I don't know if I can trust you with what's left of me.”

  Pulling me even tighter against him, he squeezes me as if he is trying to mould us into one person. “I thought if I left you would be safe, that you'd find someone who could protect you properly. I can't keep you fucking safe! You keep getting hurt when you're with me. I'm n
o good for you so I left you to find someone who was.”

  “That's stupid and you know it. I kept getting hurt because of Brendan. It had nothing to do with you. It was all him. But you know what? He's gone. I killed him, so he's gone. I protected myself. That’s what I don't understand, he was finally gone for good and you still walked away.”

  Pushing hard, I break out of his hold and plonk down on the edge of my bed. Patting the spot next to me, I mimic Mik's earlier invitation. It's time to get this over and done with. I'm tired of fighting. He accepts my invite hesitantly; his expression closed off, his body stiff, and his back straight as he tries to read my face.

  “Mik, I miss you so much that it hurts to even breathe without you.”

  His eyes light up at my words, hope flooding his ruggedly handsome face. It quickly fades when I continue. “But I don't want to be with you anymore. I can’t trust you. As much as you deny it, it’s obvious that you don't want me. The broken, damaged but thankfully alive version. You want the undamaged, pure sixteen year-old you first fell in love with.”

  Tears stream down my face as I lay all of my thoughts out for him.

  “I love you to death and I probably always will but I can't be the girl you fell in love with anymore. She's gone. Too many horrible things happened to her and she didn't survive.”

  He pulls me to him and I succumb to my need for him for the final time. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull myself until I'm straddling his lap facing him. Forcing his head up, I kiss him softly, my heart breaking further when I look into his sad eyes.

  “Mik, I begged for five months for you to come back to me and you refused. You sold our house without talking to me. You moved in with your Dad without talking to me. When I sought you out you refused to speak to me, hell you wouldn't even look at me. You threw away everything we had. You said we were done. I finally accepted it like you wanted but the second I stop chasing you, you want me back? You only want me now because you don't want anyone else to have me.”

  “It's not like that. I love you,” he protests, shaking his head vehemently.

  His hands clutch me to him desperately and he buries his head in my exposed cleavage.

  “Oh bullshit!” I exclaim. My temper is about to blow for the second time tonight. Grasping handfuls of his hair, I tug his head up so he's facing me when I yell at him.

  “You don't even know who I am anymore. You left me to put myself back together. How can you love me, when you don't even fucking know me?”

  Jumping to my feet, I point at my door. I can't deal with him anymore. Letting out everything I've tried to keep bottled up has done me in for the night. I need to be alone with at least one bottle of wine and a box of tissues. Maybe even a phone call to Lacey will be needed. It's been one of those nights.

  “Get out! I’m done!”

  Leaping to his feet, Mik charges me. He wraps his hands around my waist and lifts me over his shoulder. The front of my unzipped dress falls off of my shoulders and the slit over my thigh splits all the way to my waist as I pummel him with my hands and feet.

  “Put me down and get out. Mik! Put me down.” I scream at him as blood rushes to my head.

  Slinging me onto my back on my bed, he straddles my hips and pins my hands above my head with one strong hand. I draw in a big breath and let it out slowly as I count to three, calming myself so I don't flashback like my therapist has taught me

  “How can you say I don't know you? That I don't fucking love you?” he growls down at me. His face is contorted in pain as he paraphrases my words back to me.

  “I fucked up but you're full of shit. I'm the only person who knows you properly. Does anyone else know that you can't sleep without a light on unless I'm in bed with you? Does anyone else know that you wish Joel was your twin instead of Benji? Does anyone else know that you are always talking to your Mom in your head and that everything you do for your Dad and brothers is because of your promise to her?”

  “No they don't,” I whisper when he pauses to catch his breath.

  His chest is heaving and he is leaning over me, staring deep into my eyes, willing me to listen to him. I should be scared of his ferocity and the position that he has me pinned in—it's still one of my triggers—but I'm not.

  “No they don't,” he repeats. “But I do. Because I love you and I know you.”

  He nuzzles against my neck and my breathing picks up in response to his sensual touch.

  “Fuck Angel, I'm a fucking idiot for running scared and I'll have to make that up to you for the rest of our lives but you have to give me another chance.”

  I can't answer him because the lump in my throat is too big. I'm so confused. In my mind, we were over and done with but his passionate arguments are making me think that I'm wrong.

  Taking my silence for resistance, Mik nibbles my earlobe and my core starts pulsing.

  “Does anyone else know that they can make you wet by doing that?”

  He runs his free hand lightly up and down the inside of my arm. Pleasurable tingles flow through my body and I shiver, goose bumps breaking out all over my exposed flesh.

  “Does anyone else know that they can give you goose bumps by doing that?”

  Dragging a finger down my cleavage before dipping it into my bra, he flicks his finger over one of my hard nipples, causing it tighten further. Letting go of my hands, he pulls my bra down so my breasts are exposed.

  “Does anyone else know what's happens if I do this?” he muses as he pulls my nipple into his mouth and sucks it hard.

  He moves between my thighs and rocks his jeans clad erection against my wet and throbbing core. I gasp as he bites my nipple and causes jolts of desire to shoot down my body to my clit. He knows my body so well that he already has an orgasm building in me from a few strategic touches.

  “No,” I groan.

  Mik is panting in my ear between questions and I tell he is as aroused as I am.

  Running his hand slowly down my stomach, he slides his hand under the tattered skirt of my dress and slips it into my panties. His thumb meets my clit and I moan in response, my body bucking as he rubs in circles.

  “I bet no one else knows what happens when I do this?” he breathes his question against my lips as he thrusts two fingers into me.

  Continuing to circle my clit with his thumb, he pumps his fingers in and out of me and lowers his head so he can suck my nipple. Gaining pace with his hand, he sucks my nipple harder. I can feel my channel gripping his fingers as he works my body into a frenzy.

  My hips are bucking and my thighs beginning to tremble from the sensations he's creating within me. He quickens his pace until I'm sure I can't take any more stimulation, before biting down on my nipple as I fall over the orgasmic peak my desire has been climbing and into a powerful, soul-sucking orgasm.

  “No. I fucking guarantee you nobody knows you like I do.”

  Mik laughs happily against my shoulder as he throws himself down on the bed next to me. I can't answer him because I'm still panting, trying to regain control of my body and my senses. Pulling his fingers from me, he puts them into his mouth and sucks them clean.

  “And nobody else knows what you taste like after you come.”

  Finally finding the ability to move, I roll away from Mik. Popping my breasts back into my bra and straightening my skirt and hair as much as I can, I push myself into a sitting position next to him.

  “What the hell was that?” I ask him warily, shame colouring my cheeks as I think about what I just let him do to me.

  Wrapping his arms my waist and laying his head in my lap, he ignores me for a moment. He presses a kiss against my stomach before he pulls himself up and sits in front of me.

  “That was my apology for being a dumb fuck.” Mik answers me. Grabbing my hands, he clasps them between his. “I know I have no right to ask this but I want another chance with you. It's the only way I can show you that I want you back because I love you. I didn't leave because I don't want the woman you are now. I
’m proud of the way you get through everything thrown at you. I honestly thought I left because you'd be better off without me failing you all the time.”

  I open my mouth to argue with him but he puts his finger over my lips. I roll my eyes at him but I let him continue.

  “I realize now that I was being fucking stupid and I was lying to my fucking self. I left because I was scared you would come to your senses and leave me. Leave the loser who couldn't keep you safe. I didn’t think I could live through you leaving me so I left first. I might have tried to tell myself it was for your own good but I was lying. I was scared and that’s the fucking truth, Lainey. I'm sorry.”

  He moves his finger from my lips and I close my eyes. What the hell do I say to his confession? Duelling emotions swirl within me—anger, sadness, loneliness, understanding—being the main feelings that are trying to choke me.

  “I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do,” I whimper, throwing my head back against the bed head.

  “Forget about what you think the rest of us fuckers want from you. Tell me what you want.”

  What do I want? That is the million dollar question.

  I want to go back nearly six years and say ‘no’ to Brendan when he asks me to go on a date.

  I want to listen to Mik when he begs me to stay at my birthday party with him.

  I want to run into Mik's motel room and tell him what happened to me after we parted ways at my eighteenth birthday party.

  I want to ask Mik to help me get rid of Brendan the day we make love in his office.

  I want to wait at my office for Mik to follow me home from work that crazy day nearly seven months ago.

  I want to shoot Brendan dead when I'm pointing the gun at him in his bedroom.

  I want to marry Mik and have three children, a dog and a mortgage.

  I want so many things but I can't have any of them, except for the one thing right in front of me.

  "I want you.” I answer him in a soft, but resolute voice. “But I don't know if I can trust you.”