by Moondi, Romi
He blushed. “No, that’s not what I mean. It’s just...I started playing music again because of you. You were my lyrical guru, but it was still a rough start from not having done it for a while. Even yesterday morning, when I started writing a song about you---”
I gasped. “You wrote a song about me? Well that settles it: you’re playing that song. Get out there and play it right now.” I gestured to the chairs and empty room, the perfect one-on-one performance ground.
“Would you let me finish?” he said.
I rolled my eyes. “Sure.”
“I said when I STARTED writing a song about you, I quickly realized it was shit and I didn’t finish.” He fished a paper out of his pocket and quickly scanned it, looking more and more disgusted as he read. He showed me the scrawled out lines from far away. “See? Shit.”
As I stared at the smatterings of ink on the page, I remembered a secret weapon I’d been hiding for a while.
“Stay right there.”
I scurried out of the room with his guitar still in my hand (in case he decided to smash it to win the battle) and returned a few seconds later, only now hiding something in my other hand.
“Remember when we were in that gift shop in Montauk?” I said.
“You mean when YOU were in that gift shop, and you made me stay outside for twenty minutes because you were buying me a present?”
I smiled. “Yes. And I lied.”
He looked confused.
“I kicked you out of the store so I could write you a letter. And here it is. On Montauk gift shop stationary.”
I revealed the perfectly folded paper that said “FOR ERIK’S EYES ONLY” on the front.
Erik’s defensive walls came tumbling down, as he stared at the letter like it was the secret to eternal youth.
“You can have this letter,” I said. “IF you play me that song. Or any song. It doesn’t matter how polished it is. It just matters that you express yourself, and I know you want to...so stop being so afraid.” I smiled at him warmly and whispered the last part. “Please.”
He sighed and stormed out of the room like a petulant child.
What?
“Okay,” he said firmly as I followed after him. “You sit in this chair.” He moved one of the chairs so it faced the window. “And you’re not allowed to look.”
“Are you frickin’ kidding me?”
I’d never seen him look more serious. “Sit.”
I silently obeyed, but not before I positioned the chair at the perfect angle so I could see him in the window’s reflection. Loser.
I clasped my hands together and anxiously awaited the performance. I heard him clear his throat, and a few seconds later a beautiful melody began. He cleared his throat again. And then a third time. Finally there were words.
“No one makes me laugh this way,
No one makes me sing.”
I beamed as he went on.
“Time don’t mean a thing---no, that was the wrong line. Shit.”
No one had ever done something so uncomfortable for me before. I adored every second of it.
He started strumming again and cleared his throat for a fourth time.
“Don’t you dare be sorry, don’t you dare....aruggh!” His strange growling noise pulled me out of the moment. “You know what?” he said. “Fuck this.” Through the reflection in the window I saw him crumple up the lyrics and toss them across the room.
“You know what I think, Romi? Oh, and you can turn around now.”
I slowly slid my chair around, slightly frightened by the “crazy” in his voice.
“Here’s what I think.”
“No one makes me laugh this way, no one makes me sing.”
I beamed as he went on.
“Time don’t mean a thing---no, that was the wrong line. Shit.”
No one had ever done something so uncomfortable for me before. I adored every second of it.
He started strumming again and cleared his throat for a fourth time.
“Don’t you dare be sorry, don’t you dare....aruggh!” His strange growling noise pulled me out of the moment. “You know what?” he said. “Fuck this.” Through the reflection in the window I saw him crumple up the lyrics and toss them across the room.
“You know what I think, Romi? Oh, and you can turn around now.”
I slowly slid my chair around, slightly frightened by the “crazy” in his voice.
“Here’s what I think.”
He strummed the guitar aggressively and started to sing.
“There’s this girl Romi; she thinks she’s uncool.”
I burst into laughter.
“But the first day I met her, I knew she would rule! I thought I’d forget her, I knew that I should. But she stayed in my memory, I liked her for good.”
I put my hand on my heart, quickly realizing that this random song was the best thing ever. He continued to strum aggressively and sing in a frustrated tone.
“Now she’s so special, she’s stuck in my heart; I can’t let her go yet, I love her too hard.”
I actually didn’t die, but something inside me was bursting in a stream of light.
He slowed his angry strumming to a stop and dropped the guitar.
“That’s all I got,” he said, as he focused really hard on nothing at all on the floor.
I leapt from my chair and landed in his lap, tears forming quickly in my eyes. When I wrapped my arms around his neck, my tears trickled onto his skin. Oops. “Sorry,” I quickly said, as I wiped the hot tears from his neck.
He moved his face so I had to look at him. “First you drool on me, then you cry on me...you’re disgusting.”
I laughed through the tears. “Erik, I’m about to leave which means you were supposed to hate me by now, but that song didn’t say the word ‘hate.’”
He smiled warmly. “I already rejected your ‘Chinese computer geniuses de-programming our brains’ theory with my ‘elf’ theory, why haven’t you accepted that?” I laughed. “The elves created a girl so amazing that it turned my whole world upside down. From that very first day when they dropped her at my office door I could feel it.” He stroked my hair. “So I’d never be able to hate you...only love you. Which I do.”
Time stood still as the man of my dreams spoke the three magic words.
“I love you too.”
We kissed desperately as the time quickly ticked away...
***
With the lights now off, Erik and I lay on the mattress in his bedroom, both of us staring up at the ceiling. We never did manage to watch that episode of Conan O’Brien, opting instead for casual conversation between furious make-out sessions.
I slowly sat up and straightened my tank top.
He pulled me back down. “Stay.”
His bedroom door was open, which revealed the digital clock on his microwave.
Five a.m. Wrap it up.
I sighed and tried to untangle myself from his arms. “Please don’t torture me; you know my time is up.”
He reluctantly let me go and we stared at each other. Two sets of hopeless eyes.
“Listen,” I said, deciding once and for all to face reality. “You and I made our share of mistakes this weekend; like me, breaking my rule of not getting involved with a long-distance guy, and you...well I’m sure you know.” A shadow of guilt swept across his face. “But after spending all this time with you, I’ve realized that just because something was wrong for all these ‘circumstance’ reasons, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t right for a whole bunch of other reasons.” I traced my finger along the side of his face, resting it on the spot where his dimple would always appear. “You feel so right, Erik. And I hope in some way I feel right to you too. And...” I sighed. “I hope you’ll remember that ‘rightness’ once I’m gone, instead of suddenly regretting everything.” He
“What if I don’t want you to be gone?”
“That’s not an option,” I said grimly. “I’m leaving. And you? Well you’re REALLY leavin
g. I mean look around!” I gestured to the piles of clothes. “So for now it’s the end.”
“Or maybe this isn’t over,” he said quietly.
I clenched my jaw to stop myself from tearing up. “Please don’t say random things you have no idea about. You can’t decide this sitting here.”
“You don’t think I mean it?!” His voice was suddenly loud. “You think I could throw this all away? I have experienced a lot of shit in my life, and I mean A LOT.” I scrunched my nose as I pictured all the wild European orgies he’d probably been to. “But this is extraordinary,” he said, taking my hand in his. “This is the peak of my existence.”
To me this was the worst part about moving from fantasy to reality. The part when one of the two people just wouldn’t let the fantasy go. Usually that person was me, which made his behaviour surprising and difficult to deal with.
I frowned and pulled my hand away from his grasp. “This all sounds great when you’re here beside me, but soon you’ll be across the ocean, answering to someone else who you do still love. That kind of stuff doesn’t just disappear!” I massaged my forehead in frustration.
He pulled me towards him, his face looking serious and grave. “I can’t make you a promise right now, and I wish I had more choices than to hurt you or another.”
I pushed him away. “But that’s what life is! You make choices. No one forces you to make a single one of them. You make them and you live with them.” My face hardened. “Just make the choices you can live with.”
He stroked my hair gently, as his blue eyes started to glisten. “Here’s what I know for sure. You’re the exception to every rule, and all I ask is that you have a little faith.”
“You’re asking a lot,” I said quietly.
All I wanted in that moment was to believe him; but could I?
***
Outside Erik’s apartment, the taxi engine hummed as we stood at the edge of the sidewalk. The wind had now become bitterly cold, which was disturbingly fitting for this moment. I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my coat. “Why didn’t you bring a coat, dummy?”
“I’m fine,” he said, smiling with arms crossed and trying to be a man.
I stared out at the darkened sky, the corners of dawn now creeping their way into existence. We would say our goodbyes before sunrise, and that’s how I wanted it to be. This day isn’t ours to have.
A cold gust of wind quickly slapped me out of “sombre city,” and suddenly my eyes lit up. “I almost forgot!” I frantically searched my bag, until I pulled out the folded-up letter. “Here you are, as promised.”
A big smile spread across his face, in what was probably my last chance to really see those dimples in form. “I can’t wait to read it!” he said.
“You can read it AFTER I leave. Which by the way...is now.” I spread out my arms for a final time. “Okay, bring it in.”
He wrapped me in his arms and hugged me so hard I was sure I heard a rib crack. He had no idea my face was wincing in pain. That’s gonna leave a mark.
When he pulled away he took my face in his hands. And then...our passionate final kiss began. As our lips finally parted both our eyes filled up with tears. I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Bye,” I quickly said, nearly running into the cab and slamming the door shut. The Indian cab driver didn’t seem impressed with the display he’d just witnessed. Whatever.
“La Guardia,” I quickly said, grateful that my return flight wasn’t all the way in Jersey. Get me out of here.
Suddenly I heard a knock on my passenger window, as Erik stood crouched over with an urgent expression.
I rolled down the window quickly.
“Don’t give up,” he said.
A moment later my cab drove away, as I took a last glance at the accidental love of my life, the one standing out there in the cold to read my letter...
---------------------------------------------
Dearest Erik,
By the time you read this, we would’ve just said our goodbyes, and I’m guessing it was a moment that truly sucked.
So I don’t want my written goodbye to suck.
There are a lot of reasons I need to thank you for this weekend, and here are a few: thank you for kissing me, because I know I wouldn’t have made the first move, and I probably would’ve ended up hating you if you didn’t; thank you for showing me the ocean, which was the perfect start of my mission to see the world! Finally, thank you for joining me in blocking out reality this weekend; it ended up being the best time of my life.
Also, the New York Rangers suck.
Most importantly, I want to tell you that what feels like the end of “our” world as you’re reading this letter, actually isn’t at all.
Do you know what the end of our world would really be? It would be if we were living out “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” and I found out you were aging backwards. In this disturbing scenario, the time would LITERALLY be running out, because before I’d know it, you’d be a confused little boy in an oversized baseball cap.
And I’d be fifty-five.
We both know the implications of that are gross, so just remember: as long as you or I don’t start aging backwards, we are spared the “no chance in Hell” scenario (hooray!).
Otherwise...well I guess you will do what you have to do, but just know that if any day comes when we aren’t talking but you realize I’m still important...take this letter and run to me. Bring it back to me (if you’ve burned it by then, you can bring back the memory of it at least), and use it to tell me I’m the one.
If you do this within seven days of having your realization, it will work. If you wait any longer than that or chicken out, this letter will turn into a venus fly-trap and rip your face off.
(I will not be held responsible for the face-ripping-off scenario).
So remember that and go on. I’ll go on too, always remembering our time, but trying not to hope too foolishly.
PS: my goal this weekend was to make sure we didn’t “do it,” and I was so focused on this silly little way of holding out (to try to make you come back), that I totally forgot to guard my heart, which you’ve now stolen. It’s probably in one of your pockets...don’t drop it please.
With love,
Romi
--------------------------------------
Chapter Twenty-Five
I sat at my desk in a trance not unlike a zombie, as I slowly sunk into madness. Three days had passed since I’d last felt Erik’s touch, and even though he’d texted me to tell me his plane landed safely, from there he’d gone totally silent. I wasn’t yet ready to think the worst, especially not when he’d asked me to have a little faith.
So I waited, staring at my phone, almost willing it to ring as my work (plus my boss’s work) kept piling up. I didn’t even know how many books I’d sold since going to New York. Why even check? Only one thing mattered now.
RING dammit!
***
My alarm clock sprung to life, marking the fifth day since Erik hadn’t called me. I immediately hit the snooze button, cutting the annoying dance tune short.
I remembered how Erik was in a different time zone; maybe he’d left me a message while I was asleep?
I reached for my phone feeling the tiniest sliver of hope.
Nothing.
***
Later that day, the train bumped along as a woman held a book in one hand, and tweezers in the other. As she read, she plucked out her chin hairs one at a time. Normally I would’ve been horrified, but today my static phone screen was way more captivating.
Nothing.
***
By now, Erik had lived through an entire week back home without a word to me. This meant he’d either returned home and realized he loved his girlfriend more than me, or...she’d found out all about me and murdered him.
Amy, Eleanor and Laura seemed to be on stand-by missions to console me, even though they kept encouraging me to stay positive. I was smart enough to sen
se their doom, so I’d been avoiding them at every opportunity.
For the moment I was trying not to shiver, as an early March snowfall and blistering wind assaulted me over and over, while I trudged past looming skyscrapers on the way to catch the train. When I surrendered to the cold and pulled my mittens out of my pockets, my cell phone came out as well. The screen lit up with a missed call and a voicemail, from some long drawn out digits that had to be Erik’s new number.
I gasped and ran to the nearest bench, paying no mind to the inch of fresh snow upon it.
I hit “play” and awaited the voice I’d so desperately missed.
“Hey Romi, it’s Erik.” I instantly noticed an unfamiliar tone in his voice. It sounded distant and rehearsed. “I just called to tell you that Sylvia and I have been having a great time this past week.” I had never heard the name Sylvia before but my heart quickly sank. I knew exactly who she was. “I also wanted you to know that I told her everything about us, but nothing has changed between she and I. We are doing just fine.”
If it was possible for a soul to leave someone’s body, with the person staying alive by the simplest mechanics...well that was me in this moment.
“So yeah, that’s it and...uhh...have a nice time!” The message ended abruptly.
I could barely process any of it. “Nothing has changed between she and I? Have a nice time?!”
The only thing I could see was that either our entire time together had been a lie, or his new life now was the biggest lie of all.
I had no idea which was which, so I sat there frozen on the bench, with the wind whipping hard at my face...
***
A few days later, I was still avoiding friends and humans in general, as my negative thoughts would be poisonous to them all. Coffee dates were ignored on the regular, and my parents, after observing my frantic then deadened behaviour, assumed my “business trip” to New York had gone horribly. They were afraid I was going to get fired, so they urged me to stay late at work for extra credit.