Forcing himself to shake his head, his eyes focused back to the swinging monkey on the swing set. Big, blue three-and-a-half-year-old eyes stared back at him happily. Her face was still little. Her smile was still innocent. Thank God. He had to quit having daydreams about her teenage years. He often feared what would happen when his little girl wasn’t his little girl anymore. He didn’t know why he feared her growing up too fast so much. He guessed it was because she was all he had. He and Hallie were a team.
After Kate’s death, he’d had no choice but to take over the role of Mom and Dad. He’d changed the diapers and walked the floors at night. He’d tucked Hallie in and held her in his arms when she’d woken up from nightmares. He’d bandaged her knees and kissed them to make them better. And….he’d survived. Through the pain of devastating loss, he’d survived.
Katie Blue was still very much alive in his heart. Hell, in spite of his reasoning that he needed to move on, he couldn’t let go of her. She’d been everything to him. From the moment he’d laid eyes on her, he’d known she was the one. Even the mess she’d been the first night they’d met hadn’t turned him off. She had been this beautiful, amazing person who’d had this charisma about her—a charm that she hadn’t even realized she’d had. She’d had warm brown eyes the color of coffee and soft, long blonde hair that he’d spent hours running his fingers through. On his good days, he could still remember how it felt to tangle his fingers in that hair, to bury his nose in it and smell its flowery scent. On his good days, the memories didn’t make him feel as though he were dying inside. On his bad days, just thinking about things like that nearly killed him.
God, he missed her. No one could ever take the place of Kate. He had forced himself to date after the first year. Every now and then, he would take someone out to dinner or a movie—mostly only when Nate insisted, and only then, to get his brother off his back.
He owed his brother a lot. After Kate’s death, Nate and Susan, his wife, had moved their children to Seattle from California, so they could help Luke out with Hallie. They’d been here three years now, and in spite of their initial intentions to keep the move temporary, had decided to stay. Luke was thankful for that. He didn’t think he would have survived things without his brother by his side. Every Friday night, Nate showed up with a six-pack of beer and a picture of a girl for Luke to check out. Last week it had been the new secretary at Nate’s law firm. The week before, it had been someone Susan ran into at the hair salon she frequented. Luke played along with them to keep their lectures about moving on at bay. The truth was, he still wasn’t over Kate. He didn’t know if he ever would be.
Studying his daughter, his mouth involuntarily moved into a smile. Looking at Hallie, he saw more of himself than Kate. Sometimes that disappointed him and other times he was relieved. Hallie’s big blue eyes were mirror images of his. Her long black curls were too. She was petite though, like her mother. Kate had been small, only standing at a little over five feet tall.
“Daddy, look!” Hallie called, bringing him back to reality. He turned and watched as she swung upside down on one of the lower swing-set bars.
“Good going, Chipmunk.” He tapped his pencil against the notebook he’d been jotting down plays in. He felt sadness as he watched Hallie play with Bentley. Kate had missed out on so many good years. The years where a child looked up into your eyes with admiration and love. She had missed hearing the I love you’s at night and the wet sloppy kisses in the morning.
He felt his heart tighten. Why was he doing this to himself again? Kate was gone. He hated repeating that to himself. He did it less lately, but still he had to do it. The next thing that would end up in his mind was the replaying of the accident. The screeching metal. The splash as the Jeep cascaded into the river. He’d been unable to control it. The winds had been too fierce, the roads too slippery. Water had enveloped the vehicle quickly.
He shut his eyes, willing the visions away. It was no use. The memory was fresh, as though it had happened yesterday.
The Jeep was filled with water. He’d been out cold for a while—at least a few seconds. When he came to, panic assailed him. They were trapped in the Jeep, under water. Instinct propelled him to turn around and search for Kate—for Hallie. The baby was buckled into her baby seat, unmoving. His heart thumped as he struggled to free himself from his seatbelt. Kate couldn’t swim. That thought roared through his mind. And that was when he realized that Kate wasn’t in the Jeep. Her seat was empty and the passenger side door was jarred open and swaying with the flow of the water.
He couldn’t remember how, but somehow he’d managed to free Hallie from her car seat and get them both free of the Jeep. He’d gotten his daughter to safety and revived her, before going back in to search for his wife. Frantically, he’d searched the rapidly swaying current, diving under for as long as he could breathe.
It was dark, like an abyss. He couldn’t see anything. He couldn’t hear anything but the wind howling and Hallie crying from the shore where he’d left her. He treaded water as he whipped the droplets from his hair and scanned the surface of the river. There was nothing there but air bubbles from the sinking Jeep below. God, Kate had disappeared. She was lost in the murky depths of the river, seemingly swallowed up.
Later, the authorities did their own search and rescue, and then eventually, an attempted recovery. They found the Jeep, pulled it from the depths of the water. They never found Kate. She had been presumed dead. Just like that, she’d become a statistic. And to add insult to injury, the car that had run them off the road in the first place had disappeared into the night. No one had stopped to help. They’d just driven off as though nothing had happened.
Pain chiseled away at him as he thought of his wife struggling under the water, fighting for air. God, he should have been able to save her. If only he’d done something different. Maybe if he’d pulled over and let the car behind them pass. Maybe if he’d put his foot down in the first place and insisted they wait until morning to head home….maybe, maybe, maybe. It did no good to think about the what ifs. Kate was gone. Nothing was going to change that.
The sound of a car door slamming from the front of the house snapped Luke from his reverie. Hallie dove off her swing set and made a beeline for the front gate. A minute later Nate Garrison appeared, his niece in his arms as she giggled. He tickled her a moment longer before settling her back on the ground.
Nate was on the early side of thirty-six now and still looked like he was in his early twenties. The Garrison men all aged well, including their father. Nate, Ethan and Luke all shared the same black hair and blue eyes. Nate was a couple of inches taller than Luke’s six-three. His build was lankier. Overall, it wasn’t hard to see they were related.
“Hotter than Hades,” Nate remarked, loosening his tie. Dressed in a three-piece designer suit and Italian loafers to match, Nate had obviously been at his downtown law firm. Either that or he was heading there. He looked critically at Luke’s jeans and T-shirt. “Jeeze, aren’t you roasting?”
“I’m fine. I was going to go into the gym for a while. Just haven’t made it there yet.”
“It’s Friday. What’s on your agenda?” Nate casually plopped down in one of the lawn chairs near the umbrella table Luke sat at.
“Nothing,” Luke answered firmly, already sensing where this conversation was headed. A date. A blind date probably. He and Suz would offer to watch Hallie and then Luke would have no excuses not to go. He’d been through this procedure before, pretty much every Friday night for the past six months. He wasn’t biting this time. His weekend was going to consist of some much needed lawn mowing and quality time with his daughter.
“Don’t give me that look, little brother. I just wondered is all.” Nate crossed his ankle over his knee as he grinned. “You’ve got a lot of free time, what with it being the off season.”
“I’m drawing up plays,” he said matter-of-factly. “Doing some planning stuff. Don’t worry about me. I keep plenty busy.”
&
nbsp; Over the past year, he’d made some changes to his career. He was now the gym teacher, as well as the football coach at Cedar Crest High School in Seattle. Walking away from his job with the Seahawks had been hard. It had paid extremely well and he’d enjoyed it, but the traveling had been hell. Even with Nate and Susan’s help, he’d been in agony every time he’d left his daughter behind. Cedar Crest High School would keep him local. He’d be on a good schedule so he was there when Hallie needed him. It was perfect as far as jobs went. He only hoped he could improve the team’s losing record.
“You’re testy,” Nate observed. “What gives?”
“Nothing."
“If you say so. Suz is planning a barbecue for Sunday.”
“Tell her she doesn’t have to do that. I’m fine.”
“It’s not for you,” Nate said good-naturedly. “It’s just a family gathering. Calm down.”
Luke felt guilty. He knew his family was only doing what they thought was good for him. If he were being honest, he had to admit they were doing him good. Being alone wasn’t the medicine for what ailed him. Keeping busy was. “What time’s everyone getting there?” he finally relented.
“Whenever. Stop drifting off into space.”
Luke blinked. “Sorry.” He looked down at his play notebook. There were no plays written in it, just doodles.
“You okay?” Nate’s voice was suddenly serious.
“Don’t look at me like that. I’m fine.”
“Fine is not the word I would use to describe you.”
“You’re overreacting. Just give me a break here, would you?”
Nate held up his hands, as if in surrender. “Okay, okay. I thought maybe you’d have something to say about Beth.”
Ah, Luke thought. So that’s what this little visit was about. The secretary. He should have known. It had been a week since his date with Beth Martin. A week since a very awkward dinner at a local steakhouse downtown. Beth had been attractive, smart—basically, an all-out great catch. But she’d sensed his apprehension. It had ruined her evening as well as his. They’d had nothing more than a mediocre time. Certainly she had told Nate. So why was his brother here fishing for details? Instead of giving much away, Luke shrugged his shoulders. “She was okay.”
“Okay,” Nate said, his eyes narrowed. “She’s hot, man. What’s with you?”
“I never said she wasn’t good looking. I’m not interested.”
“She thinks you’re hot,” Nate said, this time smugly. “She thinks you have a nice ass, which I was quite proud to hear, because we basically have the same ass.”
Luke frowned. “She tells you this stuff? She’s your secretary.”
Nate shrugged. “We’re like family at the firm.”
“I’ll bet you are.”
“Seriously, dude. She told me you took her to that cozy little steakhouse down by the water. She said it was nice.”
“I took her to a steakhouse down by the market place. It was packed with people and smelled like fish. It was simply okay, much like I’m sure she really told you.”
Nate was quiet a moment, which confirmed Luke’s hunch about what Beth had really told his brother about their date. “So I take it you haven’t called her again?”
“As if you didn’t already know that.”
Nate grinned. “I know how women can be sometimes. I just thought maybe you’d called her and she wasn’t home or something.”
Luke didn’t answer. Instead, he continued doodling in his notebook.
“Okay, so she wasn’t your style. What is?”
“Drop it, Nate.”
Nate frowned, his brow furrowed in worry. Luke had seen this look before, many times since Kate had died. This was another Garrison trait. No one could furrow a brow in worry the way a Garrison could. The look had quite an effect, even on another Garrison.
“Just back off. I’ve got all I can handle right now.”
“You mean with Hallie?”
“I mean with Hallie—my work. Everything. I don’t need any more complications.” Luke watched as Hallie tossed Bentley a tennis ball. The hound traipsed happily across the grass and retrieved it obediently. Hallie was doing okay, he realized. She didn’t even remember her mother enough to miss her. Using his daughter as an excuse for his hermit-like behavior was getting less acceptable in the eyes of his family.
“You’re thirty-one years old, Luke—barely thirty-one. You plan to wallow in this for the rest of your life?”
“Wallow? Is that what you think I’m doing?”
“I didn’t mean that the way it sounded,” Nate began.
“Sure you did. I’m wallowing in self-pity because my wife died. Poor me.” Disgusted, Luke threw his pencil down. “You know, you’re not the expert on grief and loss, Nate. All the books you’ve read on the subject and all of the Oprah episodes you’ve watched, don’t make you an expert. You don’t know how I feel.”
“I know I don’t,” Nate relented, rubbing his fingers over his chin as he studied his little brother carefully. “It’s been three years, Luke. Don’t you miss the companionship? Don’t you need it?”
Stab. Straight to the heart that jab went. Luke almost winced. Hell yes, he missed it. He missed it with Kate. “It’s not the same with someone else,” he eventually admitted quietly. “Maybe someday it will be. Right now it’s not.”
“It’ll get easier every time you try,” Nate reasoned. “Maybe if you saw a girl more than once you’d get more comfortable with it.”
“I have to look out for Hallie, Nate. I can’t just have a woman around and then get sick of her and have Hallie go through the pain of saying goodbye. There are things like that to consider here. I’m not a single guy.”
“You are in a sense, bro. You just don’t want to admit it.”
“Why are you here?” Luke demanded, finally losing his patience. “Was it Suz’s idea or yours? Or maybe it was Mom’s.”
“It wasn’t Mom’s.” Nate backed off a little. “We’re just worried about you, little brother. All of us. We care.”
“Then give me some space,” Luke finally said, calming down. “When I’m ready to date someone, I’ll make that decision for myself. I’m an adult, you know.”
“I know that. I miss her too, buddy. We all loved her.”
“Not like I did.”
After a moment of silence, Nate nodded his head. “Fair enough.” He pushed back his chair and stood. “Do me a favor. Stop by Sunday, will you?” With that, he turned and walked over to say goodbye to Hallie. Luke watched as his daughter wrapped her tiny arms around her uncle’s neck. She gave him a sloppy kiss on his cheek and giggled as he tickled her. Hallie was a happy kid. She wasn’t suffering. Luke was the one suffering. So who was to say when the suffering was supposed to stop?
TWO
Vancouver, Canada
Two hours later……
Kate’s eyes were tired. She opened them a crack and felt as though pins and needles were poking into them. God, what time was it? She looked over at the clock on the bedside table. After noon, she discovered, with a yawn. Looking around the dark room, her heart twisted painfully. It was small, relatively empty. There was no dresser or mirror. No telephone. Just a bed and a night table, both so old and nicked from use that they were barely standing. She didn’t need much. Not anymore.
Turning over, she stared at the covered window. The dingy yellow shade did nothing to lift her spirits. If it was a really nice day, the sun would filter through, giving her a glimpse of what it was like outside. Today the shade was dark. No sun light at all. It was probably raining. What did it matter? She didn’t have nice days anymore, no matter what the weather was doing outside. She spent her days in this hellhole. If she was lucky, she got out into the sunshine for a few hours. That was only when Karen took the time to take her. Karen could only do that if he was gone. He, being Louis. Thankfully, Louis was gone periodically.
It was an odd turn of events that had brought her to this place—this godforsak
en hole in the wall. How much time had gone by since she had arrived here, she couldn’t be sure. It seemed like an eternity. Her dreams, her hopes, all of her aspirations, were gone. They had died a cold and bitter death, in a dark abyss she still had nightmares about often.
Her eyes glazed over and she sat up. God, not again—not the excruciating pain of loss. That was the one thing she couldn’t take; that gut wrenching emptiness that stabbed through her heart every time she thought of him—of his smile.
A tear squeezed through her eyelids, surprising her. She’d thought she’d cried herself dry the night before.
Taking several deep breaths, she swiped her hands over her face, struggling to push the pain aside. It would pass. It always did. At least for moments at a time. Kicking her feet over the side of the bed, she flinched. The wood floor was cold as ice under her bare feet. She grabbed a sweatshirt from the foot of the bed and slipped it on over the tank top she’d slept in. A pair of jeans were pulled on next. They were too big. Most of her clothes were. Actually, they weren’t really hers anyway. They were hand me downs that Louis had probably stolen from someone. Since she had come here, she had lost weight. A lot of it, though she wasn’t exactly sure how much. She hated food and she hated eating. It was all she could do to keep enough down to stay alive. Staying alive wasn’t by her choice. If she’d had her way, she would have died a long time ago. If she’d had her way, she would have drowned along with the rest of her life, on that cold dark night.
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