Looking at it from the side that none of them should have to be in this position in the first place brought him concern. Of course this wasn’t normal. Stuff like this just didn’t happen in the real world. But here they were. And Essex had to be dealt with once and for all with as few put in danger as possible. He and Les would remain at the forefront of any action while keeping the others back as much as possible.
His preference before would have been to keep them all off the radar altogether. But running was getting old. It just extended the inevitable. This scenario would grab Essex’s attention, Aaron meeting up with Alex in a remote location. Make it look like he wasn’t on or paying attention anymore. An easy target. Aaron reached into his pocket.
“Here. It’s your old phone.” He handed the device and its battery to Alex. “We’ll call them first on an untraceable one over a span of a week, using that number we got off those two from the apartment. Leave the bread crumb that they’ve found you. Then a couple more calls leading to this area. Then you’ll call me here, from town, on your phone. They’ll pick up that call on their surveillance, I’ll come get you, and that will show them right where to go. We’ll just wait and watch them then, all the way in, and when they do get here, we’ll set everything in motion and it’s done.”
“How do you know he won’t just grab us on the way, away from here?” Alex asked.
“Because, weird as it may seem, he draws energy from seeing others care for each other, knowing he will shatter that. He would rather wait until he thinks we feel comfortable and content, completely safe and happy. Enjoying each other. To destroy that connection, the love and joy, along with me? To cause the most shock and pain? In his mind, that is the ultimate achievement.”
Pacing. Sharp movements. Unfinished tasks.
For Aaron to be scattered ahead of any operation was unusual. Actually, this was a first. And something that could compromise their advantage. Initiation of the event was still a ways off, likely a few more weeks yet. He’d get it together long before then… Dammit, where’s my coffee?
“Hey, mate. You missing something?”
Aaron half glanced up and continued stuffing items into a duffel. A grunted thanks as Les set the misplaced mug of coffee in front of him.
Les remained in place. “Anything you wanna talk out?”
Aaron stopped, fixated ahead. “I…” Knuckles whitened as nails dug into palms, and his arms dropped to his sides. “Aww, fuck, I don’t know.” He looked over at Les. “All right, so I do know. It’s her. I…” He rubbed his jaw, his other hand now resting on a hip. “I don’t know how to do this. I mean I do, you know. But I don’t.”
“All the time I’ve known you, you’ve kept everyone at arm’s length. Even when you care, and I know you do a bloody lot, you never let anyone close. Not really. Now you’re trying, and you don’t know what to do with yourself.”
Aaron yanked the zipper closed and pushed the bag off onto the floor. “Yeah, that’s basically it.” He shook his head, and a short chuckle accompanied the acute crossing of his arms.
Les scratched his head. “Well, ya gotta admit, you don’t have the best track record. You’re no angel, that’s for bloody damn sure.”
Aaron offered a tortured glare. “Don’t fuckin’ remind me,” he muttered. He bowed his head and studied the tabletop. “I think that’s a big part of the problem. How can she ever trust somebody like me?”
“Can she?”
“Hell, Les, you know she can!”
“Yes, I do. But you need to believe in what you already know.”
Aaron kept silent and squeezed his lids closed. His next words came in a near whisper. “I don’t deserve… you don’t know the half of what happened before.”
“She won’t go anywhere. If that’s what you’re worried about. Hell, I don’t think there’s anything you could do that would make her leave. Beyond messing about or just outright sending her away.”
“Well, I’m sure as fuck not looking to do either.” His throat constricted, and he swallowed hard. To be honest, the thought of being with anyone else made him want to vomit. Alex’s presence in his life had erased any question in that regard. No pretty face, no hot body, no intriguing personality could ever come close to the impact she imparted on him.
Even in heated discussion, her devotion struck him. Not needy or clingy, but a confidence of choice, a knowing that despite any differences or disagreements, she would choose him every day. Every night. Could it really be this good? Had he just gone too far and screwed that up?
Besides his tense movements and lack of concentration, he could feel his neck cord to the point of causing the muscles pain. His eyes burned at the harsh secrets pushing to the surface. He felt like he was losing control. And he’d never allowed Les, or anyone, to witness this degree of uneasiness in him. Ever.
Even when he and Les had first met, Aaron would head off any hints of what heinous affairs had come before with humor and a quick change of subject. He’d blow it off like it was no big deal and plain not discuss it. His way of coping at the time. Now he was being forced to face those shameful episodes on a level he’d never planned.
Les’s voice broke in. “I have a cousin, has this wicked theory she’s read about that when you meet the one, everything that’s not truly who you are gets pulled up to get rid of. So it won’t be in the way and cause problems, you know? Always thought she was kinda out there with all that. Fairy tales. Supernatural bollocks and whatnot.” Les shrugged. “She believes it though. Maybe she’s right.”
Aaron’s mouth twitched in a wry smirk. Weird as hell, but that fit. Les’s insights, or rather his cousin’s, were spot-on. Ever since he’d met Alex, it was like he kept putting himself under a microscope. That was new. He hadn’t much cared one way or the other what anyone thought of him before. Now he found himself desiring to be the best person he could possibly be. Not that he was a complete ass most of the time or anything. Just sometimes…
“I want this too much. And it scares the fuck outta me.”
“Don’t let it. Just… be honest with her. I know there’s shit you ain’t never bloody told me. You don’t need to give out details. But don’t keep it locked up, mate. Not when it means this much. You need to know you can trust her with your best and your worst. Like I said, she ain’t bloody goin’ anywhere.”
Aaron huffed out a sharp breath. “I don’t know.”
Les put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I do. And deep down, you do too. You don’t have to unload it all at once. But put a little more out there. See how she responds. I think you’ll find out you never had a thing to worry about. She’s got your back. And ease the fuck up on yourself.”
“Yeah. But… what if I can’t do normal? I don’t want to drag her around through shit like this for the rest of her life. She deserves better. Better’n me.”
“Okay then; do you trust her judgment? Do you think she’s intelligent and makes good decisions?”
“Yeah, I do. Of course. She’s a smart, strong woman. What’re you getting at?”
“Then you should take a different view on this. She’s an independent sort. You didn’t just choose her. She chose you too. So there’s that whole thing of your opinion of her making sound decisions and such…”
Aaron side-eyed Les, sarcasm caught in tight lips. Yes, I get your point.
“You’re overthinking it, mate. Sometimes you’re too intelligent for your own good. You know this stuff. Feel it and then let it go. You’re being way too hard on yourself. What is normal anyway? We’ll get through this. It’ll be different then. I doubt she’s the type who would want an average nine-to-five life anyway. If there’s a little or even a lot of unconventional that happens, she’ll roll with it.” Les moved over and hopped up to sit on the table. “If you want to keep her, keep her close. Trust her with your secrets. You do love her, don’t you?”
“God yes.” Aaron leaned forward and rested his hands on the tabletop, eyes fixed on the worn wood grain o
nce more. Les was right. When the hell had the best thing that ever happened to him become the most frightening? “I know she’s the one. It’s just… I’ve never experienced anything like this before.” Rational thought eased back in as he shifted perspective to observe those feelings, something he should have noticed and allowed hours earlier, days earlier. Before it built up as a block in his mind. It wasn’t fear of any situation of being with her. No, far from it; it was a fear of loss. Of somehow losing her amazing affection and friendship, and that soul-level, healing physical intimacy, a perfection the shadow depths of his mind were now telling him he didn’t deserve.
“She’s pushing herself with all this,” Les added. “She could’ve opted out a long time ago. There’s loyalty there. You guys have something beyond special. Those first few days in, when I pulled that stunt of drawing on you? I saw it then, and you did too. She’d defend you to the death.”
Aaron sighed and looked over at his friend. “You’re right. And that scares the hell outta me too.”
Aaron didn’t need security feeds to review which direction she’d headed. The vision from the flat rock overlook came into his mind’s eye as though he viewed the forested river valley himself. A good four-mile hike lay ahead of him.
She never left for a wander about their wooded location without giving someone, especially him, a heads-up. But his brooding avoidance of her all morning had accomplished its selfish goal. Why had he? Conflict within was eroding his natural ease with her. An ease they’d shared from their beginning. He did trust her with the deeper parts of himself. He just had to protect her from the really bad stuff. Or was locking that away just a defense for his own perceived well-being? Could he take that risk?
Angst about her immediate safety was kept at bay by the ability to sense what she saw and experience her deeper feelings. A relatively recent mutual realization, providing evidence for some uncanny tactile experiences, and one they’d been enjoying playing around with upon discovery. By visual reception, she was safe. The gut-wrenching emotional part left him the need to rush to her, wrap her up, and pour out his heart to her.
Rocky inclines and trails revealed little; she was getting good at the stealth exercises. Purposeful in eluding any follow. His gut lurched. Way to be a complete ass, Donovan. Traceable or no, she’d taken a path familiar to him from their walkabouts and a handful of picnic lunches, a couple of which had turned intimate. Recollection of those joy-filled adventures brought a piercing jolt to his heart. He had to fix this!
How bad had he messed things up? Alone time here and there was expected and healthy. Outright refusal to speak with her, allowing her to feel unwanted? Unacceptable. He’d achieved miserable failure by shutting down with her. A grand communicator, imaginative, creative, even persuasive in profession, all that aside, he hadn’t even tried. Why? He’d have been better off to just fall apart in her arms.
Instead, he’d pushed her away, been a standoffish asshole. Demons of vile actions from another life were creeping up to steal a new and worthy reality. The very thing he’d hoped to avoid, he was bringing about. But that was fear’s answer. And fear never won in his world.
He made enough noise that she would hear him and not be startled, though she’d know of his presence anyway. At the rustle of brush underfoot, she shrugged up a shoulder to dry shimmering streaks from her cheek. Do NOT fuck this up. He approached her back. Tentative hands reached for her shoulders. She stayed still, muscles going rigid under his fingers and sweating palms.
All morning, nothing. No good-morning kiss, no sweet smiles, no touch, nothing. What had she done? Alex racked her brain for some trace of miscommunication. Aaron wasn’t one to let things bother him without voicing it. Plus they’d made a reciprocal pact early on to make sure any misunderstandings were always rectified at inception. Surely he’d have said if there was some problem. But what was there?
Until recent days he’d treated her like she was his whole world, their openness with each other like two halves of a whole, two souls who’d known each other across lifetimes. Slow degradation of affection over the past several days was all she had to go on. It didn’t make any sense. Had he changed his mind? After weeks of spending most of every day and night together in some form or other, had he come to the conclusion that she wasn’t the one for him? At her wits’ end, she’d left the buildings and walked, climbed their mountain trail, eventually arriving at this spot with its spectacular overlook of evergreen canopies and winding ribbon of river below. A good place to regroup and think. Or not think.
The soaked sleeves of her sweatshirt weighed cool on her arms, the plush navy fabric darkened in mottled blotches. Could one die of dehydration from crying? A water bottle hadn’t figured into her equation earlier. She’d not even considered breakfast. What did it matter anyway? She grimaced and tossed a stone. Oh, come on now, don’t be all overly dramatic. Don’t be that girl. A few hours in peaceful nature were at least returning sarcasm to her wretched thinking.
He was on his way up. That tickle of warmth spread from her solar plexus and heart, a sensation she’d come to know well when he thought of her, a steady companion since the ship, in truth maybe even before. A feeling that surged when he focused. It had remained even with his increasing silence, a comfort though sometimes hurtful not in its essence but in its reminder of happier times.
She stiffened as his hands touched her, the reaction a response to her troubled mind. Despite that, he stayed put. Stalwart fingers massaged an affirming hold. She managed husky words through her sob-constricted throat. “Do you want me to go?”
“No.”
A shudder ran through her as claws of doubt retracted their dank grasp. “Please…” Her voice cracked, and she clamped her teeth tight until she could speak again. “Please don’t shut me out. It’s the worst thing you can do besides…”
He dropped to her side and grabbed her tight in his arms, legs wrapping about her waist. “I want you. Only you. I don’t want to hurt you, and I’m sorry.”
She might try to hide some of it, but her soaked sleeves and puffy eyes told the story. Do not EVER do this to her again! Whatever it took, he had to make it right.
His words spilled out. “It’s just… some things are coming up for me, things I’m not proud of. Things that I don’t want to tell you. I got scared. There’s so much… if you knew certain things…” He laid his forehead against her shoulder. “I don’t want you to go.”
“Does it affect us now? Us as us? Is there a reason you’ll want to leave me sometime, someone else?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Then you don’t need to tell me. Only if you want to. I’m here, and I plan on staying wherever you are.” She leaned into his hold and reached over to stroke his tousled hair. Her voice trembled. “I’m here for you. Even if you do tell me, you’re stuck with me.” The surrender of turmoil that radiated from him washed through and away from her like a wave. Peace returned in its place. “But please, please, don’t ever stop talking to me. I don’t care what you did. It happened before us. If it causes you this much worry about me and what I’ll think, it’s obviously not the real you.”
Any reply got caught in the emotion that welled in Aaron’s throat. Her words, the reassurance, her touch. Her body in his embrace again. At last he breathed simple words. “Thank you.”
Reticent on the subject as a rule, Aaron did recount more incidents, almost confessions, over the next few weeks. Broken bits at first, progressing to greater detail and more revelation as he and Alex grew more comfortable with those discussions. Hints at situations that brought him the most anxiety to expose to her, though he said he would never say all of it. What he had gone through, some of the paths it had pushed him down after, poor choices in coping. What he thought might scare her away only brought understanding and compassion, more strength to their bond.
Fighting back her tears and anger at those individuals who took him to that place, with each story she held the space for him to release what he�
��d needed to get out for years.
“They trained us, watched and found what we were good at, then worked to bring those aspects out. That part was actually great. It was intensive and tough, but it taught us skills and to control our strengths. To know when to go so far, when to rein it in. They observed our thought processes too, got inside our heads. Tailored it to each individual. But what they were teaching us, they were doing to us.
“You think my grasp of psychology and analyzing behavior is impressive? They were far better. At least in the manipulation. We knew it was all off the record, that we’d be doing things that were dangerous, unpleasant… necessary. Necessary for the good. That ended up not being the case. A complete lie. Maybe necessary for somebody. But not anyone with a conscience. Or sense of decency in any aspect of the word. After a few missions that seemed reasonable, they farmed us out for… for…”
He rubbed his face and looked away for a few moments. When he turned back to her, he’d gotten his emotions back under control.
“What finally did it for me… We’d been sent out to… Well… Anyway, there ended up being a family there and… they shouldn’t have been. Or so we were told. Anyway, Essex and Jacks, they… I couldn’t let them… The others tried to hold me back. Broke Lenny’s nose real good, an’ Brax’s knee was never the same…
“Well, I got hauled off and stuffed in isolation after. That mission, that’s when I knew I had to get away. Or die trying. I was done. I planned it all out in my head over the ten days in that cell. Had learned a good deal about them too over time. I made nice and played good boy when they let me out. Two weeks later, I was gone.”
At the look on her face, he took her hands in his. “It’s okay. No more of that tonight. It doesn’t get any better till that day I took off. And then it took a while for it to really get better with me. From an analytical standpoint, from what any professional would tell you, I did okay. On a true personal level… I don’t know. Once I found something to channel that into, a decent purpose, well… You know what I do. Been tryin’ to make up for a lot.”
Off the Deep End Page 23