by Hart, Alana
They disappeared down the hallway, past the bedroom where I knew my mother was passed out and I got to work on cleaning the vomit off the sweater.
Chapter 4: Cade
Ellie Hesketh's living situation had, even in the few minutes she'd allowed me to see it from outside the trailer, shocked me. At that point in my life, I had never seen real poverty. Not beyond New York's ubiquitous homeless population anyway, and my parents had been telling me since I was a child that they all had secret apartments and resorted to begging because they were too lazy to work. It took me longer than it should have to start to doubt that narrative but part of it had stuck with me, the idea that poor people somehow deserved their fate. That wasn't what I felt standing outside Ellie's filthy trailer. No, standing outside the trailer in the dark with her shirtless toddler brother banging on the windows just made me angry. Where was their mother? Their father? And on top of the anger was the knowledge that Ellie was embarrassed by her situation, that she wanted neither my shock nor my pity. It made me feel helpless for the first time in my life.
We didn't talk about it. She clearly didn't want to and I was too young and inexperienced to know what to say. So we said nothing. The days passed before the hockey game and I started deliberately bringing extra food for lunch, extra sandwiches and fruit and giving them to her when I 'couldn't finish' them. She took them, too, playing along with the charade, pretending that she hadn't had time to eat lunch herself and then stuffing my mother's sandwiches into her backpack, where I knew they would remain until she could get them home to her brothers.
It wasn't charity, not then. I was still mostly a selfish, self-involved kid. I probably wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the fact that something about Ellie just made me want to be near her in a way no other girl ever had. I started looking forward to history class the way I used to look forward to hockey practice, nearly bubbling over with happiness as the time approached. Sometimes I would stand outside the classroom for a few moments before walking in, making sure I didn't have a big, dumb, obvious grin plastered all over my face at the sight of her.
When game day arrived, I brought two tickets to class with me and gave them to Ellie.
"I thought you could bring one of your brothers along. I can get more tickets if you need them."
She smiled and took only one of the tickets out of my hand.
"It's just going to be me tonight. Jacob is busy."
A seven year old boy, too busy to attend a hockey game. The worst part of it was I knew Ellie wasn't lying. Her brother was almost certainly watching his two younger siblings.
"Do you want me to pick you up? I have to get there early, obviously, but I could give you a tour of the dressing room or something?"
Ugh, 'a tour of the dressing room'. As if Ellie had any interest in seeing that.
"Are your parents going to be there?"
My parents were going to be there. In fact I'd already told them I was bringing a friend to the game, which had led to a grilling from my mother and my instant regret at mentioning any of it to her. I told Ellie they were going to be there.
"No, I mean, are they going to be driving?"
Of course, she didn't want my parents to see where she lived.
"No. I'm driving myself. Can you be ready at five-thirty?"
I actually hadn't planned on driving myself but I changed my plans instantly so I could pick Ellie up alone, knowing she wasn't going to go for it if my parents were going to be in the car.
"Yeah. Should I - should I wear anything special?"
I shook my head, unable to stop smiling at her.
"No, it's just a hockey game, no need to dress up."
I don't usually get nervous before games. Even big games tend to just make me more determined to do well. That night, I was nervous. And I knew it had nothing to do with hockey. I pulled up outside Ellie's trailer and she appeared immediately, along with three pale little faces in the living room window, watching us intently.
Ellie was wearing a dress and a pair of black boots, neither of which I had seen her in before. When she hopped into the passenger seat of my dad's Lexus, it was difficult not to stare.
"Hey!"
It actually took me a couple of seconds to get myself together enough to respond.
"Hey, Ellie. You look...you look really good."
My awkwardness around Ellie Hesketh was getting worse, not better. She was beautiful, but in a way none of the other girls at school were. They were blonde, blue or green-eyed and all ripe, youthful curves. Ellie had thin, pale limbs, dark hair and those mysterious dark eyes. Her body was distractingly feminine, though, skinny or not. When she moved it was difficult for me not to notice the way her breasts bounced slightly under the thin fabric of the dress or the momentary glimpses of creamy thigh when she shifted in the seat. As we drove to the arena I did everything I could to think about anything except how Ellie looked in that dress. The last thing I needed was to walk into the dressing room with a fucking hard-on.
"Thank you."
Another thing I noticed about her - she wasn't as introverted as she had at first seemed. As we got to know each other better she got more and more talkative, more relaxed. It made me feel proud to be around her, to be someone she trusted enough to be herself with. When we walked into North Falls arena together I was nearly bursting with happiness. Until we ran straight into my parents. Before anyone had even said a word I could see the look of mild distaste on my mother's face as she looked Ellie over.
I made the introductions. My parents were perfectly polite, but there was a coolness to their response to Ellie that I hadn't ever seen before. It pissed me off. It pissed me off even more that Ellie had noticed it, too. As I walked her to her seat in the chilly arena, she looked over her shoulder at me.
"Your parents don't like me."
"I - I, no, Ellie. Why would you say that? They did like you," I stammered, taken aback by Ellie's forthrightness.
She sat down in her seat and looked at me.
"It's ok, Cade. You don't have to make excuses. It's not like this is new for me."
She wasn't angry. She didn't even appear to be upset. The expression on her face was one of resignation more than anything else. Of course, even the barest hint that this wasn't a new situation had my eighteen year old mind selfishly piqued.
"What isn't new? Meeting a guy's parents?"
"No, Cade," she sighed, looking out over the rink where a zamboni was lazily making its way over the ice surface. "I mean it's not new for me to meet people who judge me - not anyone's parents, just...anyone. Anyone in general."
It was the closest Ellie had ever come to acknowledging the elephant in the room. I was surprised and didn't handle it very well.
"Well who cares what my parents think, Ellie? It doesn't matter."
She looked up at me for a few seconds, searching my face for something I wasn't giving her and couldn't identify.
"OK, Cade."
Was that it? 'OK'? I waited for her to say something else but was interrupted by a booming voice behind me. Coach Hansen.
"Parker! Cade Parker!"
I turned back to Ellie. "I've got to go. I'm number eighty-eight."
She laughed and it sounded like music. I was so stupidly happy just to hear her laughing.
"Don't worry, Cade, I'll know who you are."
I made my way down to the dressing room to warm up and get my equipment on. Coach Hansen gave a bombastic pre-game speech that had me glancing around a few times at my teammates, looking for anyone else who found his dramatic words a little amusing, but every one of them was staring up at him, rapt.
"Remember, boys. No distractions. Eyes on the prize. You'll never reach your goals if you allow anything to get into your way - anything at all."
He turned to me suddenly, fixing me with a stern glare.
"That goes for you, too, Cade Parker."
My head snapped up.
"Do you want to play in the NHL?"
I nodded
, confused as to why I was being specifically called out. Coach Hansen hadn't shown any signs of being one of those guys who rode the stars extra hard - in fact if anything it had been the exact opposite so far.
"Then you need to stay focused. No partying. No video games. And no girls."
Really? I was getting called out for talking to Ellie Hesketh? It seemed a little unfair. I glanced around at my teammates again, looking for any sign that they agreed Coach was being unreasonable, but their expressions all matched his. What a joke. More than half of the guys on the team were out every single weekend, drinking and fucking their way through the hordes of eager North Falls girls (and a surprising number of their moms) desperate to flirt themselves into a hockey player's bed.
"Well," Coach Hansen leaned back, raising an amused eyebrow at his players, "no serious girls, anyway."
Smug chuckles arose from around the room and I pushed it all to the back of my mind as the music in the arena got louder. It was almost game time and I have never needed pep-talks about focus when it comes to playing hockey. The spike of adrenaline in my blood was even higher that night as the rock music filled the air and the announcer shouted our names to the rapturous crowd as we skated out onto the cold, pristine ice.
Within my first three shifts I'd checked a couple of opposing players into the boards hard enough to raise gleeful screams of approval from the crowd. My parents were watching. A couple of men in shiny suits were also watching, scouts from one of the big NHL teams. Also, Ellie was watching.
Sometimes, I'm off. But most of the time I'm on. That night, I was on. Everything was fluid. Every hit, every goal (I scored three that night) and every show-offy little trick felt inevitable before it even happened. I love playing hockey. I love the cold air of the arena and the noise of the crowd rising and falling like a wave. I love the sound of the goal buzzer and the red goal light flashing in the corner of my eye. After my third goal, as the ice was littered with baseball caps to mark the hat-trick, I skated over to where Ellie was sitting in the front row and slammed my whole body into the glass directly in front of her, pounding my fists against it in triumph. And she was right there with me, momentarily forgetting herself in the heat of the moment, jumping up and down and screaming with joy as she held her little fists aloft.
I remember that game better than most. In particular I remember that moment, the one after my third goal when I locked eyes with Ellie Hesketh and just knew that nothing was ever going to be the same again.
Chapter 5: Ellie
I met Cade after the game was over, the Ice Kings' victory was secure and the arena had mostly emptied of its happy crowds. His hair was soaking wet from the shower and neither of us could keep the huge smiles off our faces. He practically ran up to me and I couldn't help but react to the juxtaposition of his youthful, boyish enthusiasm with his tall, solid grown-man's body. The electricity inside me as I stood in front of him made my knees weak - something I up until that point didn't think actually happened.
"Well?" He asked, grinning. "What did you think?"
I feigned nonchalance. "Oh, I thought you did OK."
"OK, huh? Just 'OK'?"
He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off the ground, nuzzling his head into my neck and laughing. And when he put me down, something in the air had changed, suddenly and without warning. Neither of us was smiling anymore. When Cade reached out and put one of his big hands on my hip the feeling of that hand - firm and strong and inevitable - sent a bolt of heat jolting through my body.
"Cade."
My voice sounded soft and breathless. I hadn't meant to speak, but I didn't know what else to do. When he bent down and opened my lips with his mouth the sweet, hot turmoil inside me was almost overwhelming. It was my first real kiss and all of the insecurities and worries I'd always harbored about not knowing how to do it or making a fool of myself were nothing in the face of Cade Parker, post-game and brimming with testosterone.
When we came up for air we just stood there for a few seconds, looking at each other. Cade smiled and ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head.
"What?"
"I don't know, Ellie. I just don't know about you."
I was aching to be touched again, kissed again, but I wasn't sure what he meant.
"You don't know about me? How do you mean?"
He shrugged, still grinning.
"I just, Ellie, it's hard to say. You make me feel so fucking happy whenever I'm around you."
He looked down at the ground after he said that, fidgeting with the bottom of his t-shirt. I watched his hands.
"Is that lame as hell?"
I shook my head. "No, it isn't lame. I feel the same way."
It was true. The day I met Cade Parker I'd been almost frozen with insecurity and nerves but since then, as we'd spent time together in class or walking home after school, he had slowly become the one person I felt like myself around. It was always a relief to be with him. I didn't know how to say it, though, so instead of saying anything I took a step towards him and put my face against his warm chest - the very thing I'd wanted to do since he'd walked into history class that day. It felt like a long time ago.
"Ellie," he whispered, "you're killing me."
"Am I? How?"
I put my hands on his chest without thinking. He made it possible for me to do things like that, even small things, without torturing myself over all the possible outcomes. And he felt so damn good, so completely male.
He chuckled at my question and caught my eye.
"How? Do you really want to know?"
I nodded and Cade took one of my hands in his and lowered it slowly downwards, hesitating for just a second before pressing it gently against him.
"Oh my...God. Cade."
He was solid in my hand, and thick. Much, much bigger than I'd expected. And the sound he made when I touched him - a deep, low exhalation of breath - it hit me in my core.
"Ellie."
Cade's voice was thick and slow. I loved how he sounded. I was a virgin - completely inexperienced - but I knew on some subconscious, animal level of my brain, why he sounded like that. His need was intoxicating. It wiped every single thought from my mind except one: pleasing him. When I moved my body against his I could feel the slickness between my legs, soaking my panties.
"I...Cade, I don't..."
I was going to say 'I don't know what to do' but he pushed his hips forward against my hand, breathing heavily. When I opened my mouth to be kissed again he slid his tongue between my lips and pushed me back against the door of his father's car, pressing his body against mine until I was gasping and sighing.
"We can't do this here."
The sound of my own voice, high-pitched and needy, surprised me.
"I know."
The parking lot was mostly empty but there were still people leaving the arena, milling around with friends etc. and we were in North Falls. Absolutely everyone knew who Cade Parker was.
"Get in the car."
He opened my door for me and I got in, sitting in the passenger seat almost shaky with lust as he got into the driver's side. We sat there quietly for a few seconds.
"We should go to-"
Cade didn't get to finish. I kicked my boots off and crawled onto his lap, sucking my breath in hard as I sank down onto his lap and felt him between my legs.
"Ellie..."
I settled my hips down against him, hard, as he pushed my skirt up over my thighs and sank his fingers into my buttocks, pulling me down even harder. Nothing in my life had ever felt that good. Cade pushed his tongue into my mouth again and we moved out bodies together until we were both panting and he suddenly pushed me away, which I resisted.
"No, Ellie...wait. Wait!"
I didn't want to wait. I slid myself down the length of him again, frustrated at the layers of fabric between us but unable to stop.
"Oh, fuck. Ellie. Ellie. Oh God, baby."
Suddenly, Cade's body went completely rigid and his head fell ba
ck against the headrest. He groaned and dug his fingers into my flesh so hard it hurt, holding me against him as his hips bucked up off the seat and his loud groans filled the car. When he relaxed again he refused to catch my eye.
"Ellie, oh fuck. I - I told you to wait."
I didn't know what was going on.
"What do you mean?"
I watched it dawn in Cade's eyes that I didn't understand what had happened.
"Are you a virgin, Ellie?"
It was my turn to look away. Cade leaned in close to me and kissed my neck slowly.
"It's OK, Ellie. You are, aren't you?"
I nodded quickly, embarrassed. I didn't have any friends at school but from the conversations I'd overheard it seemed like everyone was having sex except me. The fact that I hadn't even been kissed - not up until that night, anyway - was a source of acute shame for me.
"Are you?" I asked, looking into Cade's eyes. He shook his head.
"No."
Of course he wasn't a virgin. Even the benched Ice Kings had girls throwing themselves at them every single day.
"Is that a problem?"
"No, it isn't a problem. I just, I feel embarrassed."
"Ellie, don't be. Everybody talks a big game. I bet more than half of your friends haven't had sex yet."
I almost laughed out loud at the implication that I had friends, but I didn't say anything. Mostly because my body was still on fire for Cade and I wasn't sure why he was suddenly so chatty and calm. I pushed my hips down against him again and he looked pained.
"What?"
"Ellie, I came."
"Oh! You did?"
Cade rubbed his forehead with one hand and grimaced.
"Yeah, I did. I'm sorry, Ellie. I didn't - I didn't realize it until it was too late."
"Did I make you come?"
He laughed at that and kissed my neck again.
"Yes you made me come. Who else do you think did it?"
I pondered his question.
"I don't know. I guess I just hoped it was me."
"Why?" Cade asked, watching me intently and stroking his hands up and down my bare thighs.