Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  I could hardly walk, me stomach was heavin from the pain. Jesus! Jesus, help me! The aul one in the shop looked very annoyed, but she didn’t fight me. She gave me the puddin an change. Jackser was satisfied an gave me a ha’penny an told me te go back te the shop an buy sweets. ‘An make sure ye bring back sweets fer tha child in there!’

  ‘OK, Jackser,’ I said. I got three jelly babies an brought them back te share wit me brother. There’ll be two fer me an one fer him, I was thinkin as I came up the dark stairs. Then I dropped two. Jaysus! Where are they? I couldn’t see. I spread me hand along the stairs but I couldn’t find them. I searched an searched. But they were gone in the dark. Ah, well, tha’s me bad luck. Lucky I still have one fer Charlie or Jackser would go mad.

  When I got back in Jackser said, ‘Where’s the sweets?’

  ‘Here, Jackser! I kept one fer me brother.’

  ‘Where’s the rest of them, eh?’

  ‘I dropped the other two on the stairs! They’re lost.’

  ‘Ye fuckin lyin bastard.’ An he lifted me off me feet wit a kick, sendin me sprawlin. I was doubled up in agony an screamed wit pain. He came chargin at me, an I rolled inta a ball te protect me head. He lifted me off the ground, tearin me coat, then he grabbed me from the front, tearin the frock off me. I was naked. He whirled aroun an went over te the press an pulled out a rag. It was a coat at one time, but now it had no sleeves, just two big holes in the armpits, an the linin was gone, an it had been cut off at the end. He threw it at me an said, ‘Here, put this rag on. No bastards are stayin under my roof. I want no other man’s leavins! Get back on the street where I found ye.’

  I put the coat on me, an it went down te me shoes. Then he lifted me by the neck, opened the door, an roared, ‘Get back on the streets. An if I see ye aroun, ye’re fuckin dead!’

  I went down the stairs an out onta the street. I pulled the coat aroun me, but the armpits was too big an left me all exposed te the cold night air on me bare skin. The coat was trippin me up, an I looked down at meself. An I was so ashamed. I was walkin up an down outside the house not knowin wha te do. People will laugh at me if they see me like this. What am I goin te do? I looked up at the winda, an I could see the flickerin from the candle. But he was not goin te call me back. Me head was full of lumps an painin me. An me hair was all gone in a big bald patch. It came out in me hand when I touched me head. Holy God! Are ye listenin te me? Make Jackser stop hittin me, an don’t let him hurt me brother. Help me te find a way te put him in good form. An make me mammy better, an let her come back te me. An maybe Jackser will fall off his bike under a lorry an get mashed, so he can’t come back. An I promise, Holy God, I’ll be good fer the rest of me life.

  Ah, Jaysus! I’ll have te sit down on them steps. The pain is killin me. It’s cuttin right through me, an me breath is hurtin me in me chest. I don’t want anyone te see me. They’ll think I’m a tramp an be afraid of me. They’ll be thinkin, look at her, she’s a dirty little nobody, move away quick before ye catch a disease. An they’ll be afraid te come near me. I need te hide. I know what I’ll do. I’ll creep up te the top of the house an hide on the landin up there. Then I’ll be outa the cold, an I can see wha happens. Oh, me head. I’m goin te get sick! But there’s nothin comin up. I drag meself up the stairs. Me head is swimmin from all the pain. If I could lie down in a warm bed, tha’d be heaven. But I’ll settle fer tha landin. Oh, tha’s better! I can lie down now at last.

  I’m curled inta a ball te ease the pain, an it’s nice an quiet. An I’m outa the freezin wind. All I need is somethin te wrap aroun me. Holy God! Are ye there? Listen! I have somethin te say te ye! I’m very annoyed wit me ma! While she’s off gettin herself sick an collectin babbies fer Jackser, she’s not bothered about me an me brother any more. I think she’s sidin wit Jackser now, an she’s finished wit us. I heard tha Jackser fella say they’d lose the money if they get rid of me an Charlie. So this is what I’m askin ye, Holy God. If ye don’t want te mash Jackser inta nothin, then will ye make me grow faster so I can take Charlie an meself an get away from Jackser. I want te be able te manage on me own, in peace an quiet. I’ve been watchin people, an I know how they do it. Ye see, I’m only seven, an people wouldn’t take me seriously. I wouldn’t be able te wear nylons an high heels an work. An have money an be very busy lookin after everythin. An be terribly respectable. An I’d look well an have a fat purse wit loads a green pound notes. An people would say te me, ‘Yes, Mam! Certainly, Mam!’ I’d be different, God, from me mammy. Me ma doesn’t seem te know anythin! So will ye let me get a move on? Even if I was nine or ten, tha’d do. Is tha OK, God? An I promise not te curse any more.

  I woke up, an it was light. Jackser was slammin the door shut on his way out. I jumped up without thinkin an came down the stairs. ‘What’re ye doin there?’ Jackser roared. ‘Where were you?’

  ‘I was here, Jackser!’

  He stared at me an said nothin. ‘Right!’ he said, openin the door. ‘Get in there an mind tha young fella. An remember! You’re on borrowed time in this place. Look crooked at me an ye’re out tha door. You fuckin bastards will be out soon enough. Ye’re not wanted here.’

  ‘OK, Jackser!’ I said, not lookin at him.

  Charlie was sittin on the floor in the sittin room. When he saw me, he lifted his arms an started te whinge. I was happy te see him an wrapped meself aroun him on the floor. He went quiet an was content te leave his head in me lap. But I was stiff an cold, an needed te get a bit of heat an somethin te drink an eat. I got up an pulled Charlie te his feet. ‘Let’s see wha there’s left te eat.’

  There was a chunk of loaf, an I got the knife an sawed it in half, an gave the other half te Charlie. There was no margarine te put on it. There was nearly a quarter pint of milk left in the bottle, so I poured a little fer Charlie in the jar an gave it te him. An then carefully took mouthfuls from the bottle. Jackser would know how much he left, so I put water in the milk te make it look more. ‘Come on an we’ll go te bed!’ I said te Charlie, an he slapped me away. No! He didn’t want tha. ‘OK!’ I said. ‘Day! Day! I’m goin!’ An he ran after me, roarin. I laughed an whooshed him inta the bed, an then he laughed, an I put the hairy blanket an coats over us, an I was out like a light.

  We were in the sittin room, sittin up on the bed, when Jackser came in. ‘Right!’ he said. ‘Get him dressed an put yer coats on.’ I was flyin te get ready, but it was only me heart hammerin in me chest tha was goin fast. Charlie was puttin his two legs in the one leg of his trousers, an I was shakin so much I couldn’t get him ready. ‘Gerra a move on, Mrs!’ Jackser roared at me. ‘I haven’t got all fuckin day!’

  ‘OK, Jackser! I’m just ready,’ I squeaked.

  Charlie was happy, an he was tryin te help me. He knew we must be goin somewhere. But he got all tangled up again. I couldn’t turn aroun, but I was expectin a punch in me head or a kick any minute. So I pushed Charlie down on the bed an whipped the trousers off him. Charlie saw the look on me face an lay still. I was very silent, but he could tell we’d better be quiet, this was no time te mess. I put his shoes an coat on him, an looked at me own coat. It was ripped, but so was me frock. I wish I had a pin. I’d better put it on anyway. I can’t go out in me skin. He’ll go mad now when he sees this, an we won’t go out. I held the coat together an clamped me right arm down tight over it an put Charlie standin in close beside me, so he mightn’t notice.

  ‘Right!’ he said, downin the last of his tea. ‘Follow me.’ An we were out on the street, clatterin after him aroun onta the hill. It used te be called the stones, long ago, by the old people. Every Saturday mornin it’s a market where people sell old clothes an furniture, an everythin cheap. We went on te Parnell Street an turned right on te Gardiner Street, then left up the hill. I was makin sure te look as if I was runnin. But I couldn’t go fast wit Charlie, he’d only started te walk not long ago. I was jumpin up an down in me big shoes, tryin te keep them on me. An they were makin an awful noise altogether. When Jackser looks ba
ck, he’ll see we’re hurryin.

  Two young fellas were sittin on the path, throwin stones on te the road an hittin cars an horses tha was passin. Then they’d run off. They came back an were sittin down again. As we neared them on the hill, they looked aroun as me an Charlie were comin, an they watched us until we were passin them. Then one of the young fellas said te me, ‘Hey, young one! If ye’re thinkin of enterin fer the Irish dancin, they won’t let ye in, cos ye’re too smelly an scabby!’

  I looked at him an forgot about Jackser. ‘Go on over an drag yer aul one from the pub an tell her te bring ye home an give ye a good feedin. Cos ye’d need tha before ye take me on!’

  Yer man leapt out in front of me. ‘I’m goin te fuckin mill ye fer tha!’

  Jackser looked back at tha minute, ‘Come the fuckin on!’ he roared, wavin his fist at me.

  ‘Lookit!’ I shouted te the young fella. ‘He’ll kill ye if ye don’t let us pass!’

  ‘I’m not afraid of yer aul fella!’ yer man roared. Then he roared up at Jackser, ‘Me da’s a docker, an he’s a boxer as well!’

  Jackser came walkin back, an the young fella moved himself well back outa Jackser’s way, ready te run. ‘She called me ma names, Mister! Ye should chastise her fer tha. There was no call fer it, so there wasn’t! We said nothin te her, we were just mindin our own business, so we were! Isn’t tha right, Madser?’

  ‘Yeah, Mister, ye should put manners on her,’ tha Madser said.

  Jackser looked at me. ‘I’ll fuckin down ye fer causin trouble,’ he said, an he was clenchin his fists an openin them again.

  I looked in fear at the young fellas. Their faces were alive wit excitement. ‘No, Jackser! They laughed at ye an said terrible things about ye. They said ye were bandy! “Lookit the bandy little fucker!” they said, when ye passed them. I wouldn’t let them get away wit tha. Wasn’t I right, Jackser?’

  ‘Yeah!’ Jackser said. ‘Go on, ye little bastards, before I fuck ye’s under a car,’ an they ran off, callin him bandy midget, Jew nose, whore master. ‘We know where ye live. An we’ll send me da te get ye!’

  We went aroun the corner an inta an arch an came inta the flats. Jackser went inta a ground-floor flat. He knocked at the door an said te me, ‘This woman is a friend of mine. She’ll mind ye until yer mammy gets outa the hospital.’ The door opened an a woman came out wit an apron aroun her an slippers on her feet. She had her dyed blonde hair in curlers an a Woodbine hangin in her mouth, an she looked down at us wit one eye closed, cos smoke got in her eye. She took a big drag of her cigarette an took it outa her mouth an said, ‘Is this them, then? I suppose ye’d better come in.’ An she dragged herself off up the hall, cos she was very fat, an the weight was too much fer her. Jackser shut the door, an we followed him inta the sittin room.

  There was a gang of kids, some were millin each other under the table, an a big young one, she was about nine, was holdin a babby on her knee an tryin te feed it somethin on a spoon from a bowl. She stopped wit the spoon halfway te the babby’s mouth te get a good look at me. I don’t think she liked wha she saw, cos she clamped her mouth shut, which was gapin open, an at tha minute the babby got fed up waitin fer his feed an gave the spoon a clout, sendin the mushy food splatterin all over the young one’s hair an face. ‘Ah, Mammy! Lookit wha he done!’ she roared.

  ‘Mind wha ye’re doin,’ the mammy roared back, ‘an he wouldn’t a done it. Here! Give him over te me.’

  A young fella who was stretched out on the floor playin wit a kitten got up an came over te me. ‘Lookit! He’s mine,’ an he showed me the newborn kitten.

  ‘Ah, can I hold him? Lookit, Charlie! Isn’t he gorgeous?’ I said.

  The mammy looked over an said, ‘I told ye. Tha’s not stayin! When yer father gets in, he’s goin te drown it!’

  The young fella started roarin, ‘Ye’re not drownin me kitten, ye cow, ye!’

  The mammy looked as if she was goin te make a run at him, an I backed meself an Charlie outa the way. But she just went red in the face an ground her teeth, an said te the young one, ‘Get up an put them all outside te play. Before I’m hung fer murderin the lot of them.’

  I opened the door an took meself an Charlie outside. Then the young fella wit the kitten came chargin out an knocked inta us an sent Charlie flyin te the ground. He kept runnin an looked back an laughed when he saw me pick Charlie up from the ground cryin. I kissed Charlie. This was all very strange fer him, an I knew he wanted me mammy.

  The young fella was tormentin me now. ‘Ye’re not stayin in me house. Me ma said ye’re poxy bastards!’

  ‘Ye’re a liar!’ I shouted back. ‘She didn’t say tha, an we are stayin here! So why is she lettin us stay, then, if she didn’t want us?’

  ‘Cos yer man Jackser promised her a few bob. Tha’s why!’ he said.

  ‘Right, so we’re stayin, an ye’re not stoppin us!’

  Wit tha, he threw the kitten at me, hittin me smack in the face. I felt the warmth of the kitten’s belly in me mouth an then the thud as it smacked the ground. I looked down in fright, an the kitten jerked an blood came outa its nose. I looked up at the young fella, who started te laugh. Me body went rigid, an then a hot fire hit me belly. I lunged at him, sendin him flyin flat on his back. Then I jumped on him. ‘Come on, I’ll show ye wha Jackser taught me! I’m goin te stand on yer belly an rip yer tongue outa yer mouth!’ I was just like Jackser, an the young fella, who was older, he was eight, was screamin fer his life. I was roarin an shoutin, an standin on yer man’s belly, an tryin te catch his tongue, an tellin him all the horrible things I was goin te do te him, when a crowd of aul ones came runnin outa their doors an dragged me offa the young fella.

  They were shoutin at me an blessin themselves an sayin, tha was a terrible carry on, an they’d never seen the like of it in their lives! An they were holdin the young fella te their chests an lookin at him, an fixin his hair, an wipin his snots wit their shawls, an holdin him again. An tellin me I should be locked up! I looked up at them, an I couldn’t understand why they were so annoyed, cos I thought tha tha’s wha ye’re supposed te do! I looked at the young fella, an, yeah, he did get an awful fright, but’s tha’s wha Jackser does te me all the time, I thought! ... So ... I wasn’t supposed te do tha!

  I’m after gettin an awful fright, too, cos the mammy came runnin out, an she was terrible annoyed as well. An ye could see the look on her face, like she couldn’t understand how I could be so vicious. ‘I’m not keepin ye’s. Jackser can come an take ye’s away,’ she said te me.

  So now I know not everyone is like Jackser. Ye’re not supposed te go mad an hurt people. An not everyone is like me ma. Other mammies don’t let other people hurt their childre. I’ll never copy Jackser again. An I’ll never be like me ma. I’ll be somebody when I grow up. People will respect me.

  Jackser came te collect us. He gave me a dirty look an just said, ‘Well, tha’s it then. There’s nothin more I can do fer ye. Go on! Get movin.’ An we stayed in the room, sittin on the bed, waitin fer night an slept. An Jackser came in at night an fell inta his bed drunk. We didn’t see him, we’d only hear him movin aroun. An tha’s the way it is until me mammy comes outa hospital.

  17

  The new babby is inchy whinchy tiny. Charlie stands beside me, lookin over at him wit his mouth open. He doesn’t know what it is. We watch me ma givin him his bottle. He’s in a little white nightgown, an me ma has him sittin on her lap. An his head an neck is held in me ma’s hand, an she’s rubbin his back. Jackser told us te get away from him, cos we were breathin on him, he said.

  The babby brings up a little white stuff from his neck, an Jackser is very worried. ‘Ah, look, Sally!’ he says. ‘Me son is gettin sick. Is he all right, Sally? Do ye think we should get him looked at? He’s lookin a bit dozy, don’t ye think? Will he not drink all tha bottle fer ye? Them hospitals don’t know wha they’re doin. Maybe we should get ourselves a good doctor? Sally! I’m talkin te ye! Are ye fuckin listenin at all?’

 
‘Will ye stop moidierin me!’ me ma says. ‘Tha’s only wind! Get me tha nappy an borax powder, will ye. I’m tormented wit ye!’ she says te Jackser.

  ‘You, Mrs!’ Jackser turns on me. ‘Ye heard yer mammy. Run an get wha she wants.’

  I dash over te the press an bring the stuff.

  ‘Where’s the pins I asked ye te get?’

  ‘Wha pins, Ma?’

  ‘The pins fer the nappy!’

  ‘I don’t know where ye put them, Ma.’

  ‘They were wit the dirty nappy I gave ye.’

  ‘No, ye didn’t, Ma. Jackser took tha.’

  ‘Ask him where he put them pins!’

  Jackser comes runnin over from the sink an grabs the back of me neck an pushes me head down te the floor. ‘Do ye see them, Mrs? Do ye see them now?’

  ‘Yeah, Jackser. I have them, they were on the floor beside me ma’s chair.’

  He releases me head from the floor, an I hand the pins te me ma. She takes them an looks away from me, an she looks far away. Then the little babby gave a jerk an kicked his legs out an squealed. He was fed up in this position. An me ma remembered him an looked down at him as much as te say, are ye still here? Then she looked away again, gone te her own world. An I knew then I was never goin te have me mammy ever again.

  I looked over at Charlie, an he was still gapin at the little babby. His mouth was open, an his eyes were starin. An every time the babby moved his tiny hands an head an made a noise, me little Charlie lifted his hands in a fist an looked at me like he wanted te get a better look. An maybe he could play wit it. But there was nothin I could do fer him, we had te stay away from Jackser’s babby.

  The little babby is called Teddy, an Jackser has a photograph of the three of them. He calls it the family photograph, an his babby is in the middle of them. It sits in a frame on the mantelpiece, an Jackser can’t stop lookin at it an admirin it.