by Martha Long
Jackser looked at me an shook his head. ‘By Jaysus, Martha, ye’re a smart young one. Ye’ll go places.’
But I was thinkin, I’m not always like tha. In school I don’t understand anythin. I don’t hear the teachers talkin. It’s like me head is under water, an it’s like tha all the time if I know I have te learn somethin. When I’m easy in meself, ye can tell me a story or talk fer hours an I’ll be able te repeat it word fer word.
Jackser likes ye te know things, an he wants ye te explain things te him. He takes me te the pictures wit him now, sometimes, if he doesn’t stop at the pub first, an he even gives me the tuppence te go on me own. But it’s no good, cos he’s waitin fer me as soon as I get in the door. ‘Right! Wha was the fillum all about?’ he asks. An tha’s OK. I can tell him all about the fillum, but then he asks who was in it. An I don’t know the names, an he goes mad an calls me terrible names, an loses his head an kicks me aroun fer wastin his money. This is happenin now every time he sends me te the pictures. An I’m afraid of me life. So then he gave me tuppence an sent me off te the pictures again. ‘Right!’ he said. ‘This time make sure ye find out who the actors are! An don’t come back here tellin me ye don’t know!’
‘Yeah, I will, Jackser! I’ll make sure, don’t worry. I’ll let ye know everythin tha happens.’
I got te the cinema on Talbot Street an joined in on the huge queue. The childre were millin aroun wit big bags of sweets, an a lot of them had their babby sisters an brothers wit them. The usher said he’d kill the lot of us if we didn’t shut up shoutin an fightin. Some of the bigger young fellas were fightin each other, cos their little sisters an brothers were gettin mashed. Then the usher said, ‘Right! Ye’s can come in now,’ an he put his arms out te stop us all rushin in at the same time. An we knocked him down in the rush, an there was an awful lot of screamin an roarin, cos the babbies were flattened an stretchered in the stampede. The usher shouted, ‘Ye’s fuckin shower a beggars, there’s no talkin te ye’s! Ye’s all should a been drownded at birth.’ An he lashed out at the bigger young fellas’ heads wit his gloves. They just ducked an laughed.
When I got me ticket at the winda – ye have te pay, cos they’re wise te us, an they check the ticket; if ye manage te get past one of them, there’s six more of them waitin at the door inta the seat, te catch ye – we made our way inta the long wooden benches an charged fer a place up the front, cos if ye get stuck at the back, the young fellas up in the balconies piss down on ye! The noise is like the end of the world has come. Childre stand on the benches an shout fer their lost brothers an sisters. Babbies cry fer their mammies. Young fellas fight each other over robbed sweets. Others piss on the benches, cos they don’t want te miss the start of the fillum. An then the lights go out an the blue an white smoky beams from the two holes in the wall high up behind us tells us the fillum is startin. There’s a big roar an cheer goes up from the crowd. An everyone is screamin at everyone else te shut up an listen. An then we’re quiet an watchin wit our mouths open. Then everyone is shoutin advice te the chap in the fillum. ‘Look out! He’s behind ye!’ an the baddie is called all sorts of names. An we’re all hopin he gets kilt, an we can’t wait! ‘Get him! Mash him!’ An I’m very nervous, cos I want te know their names. I can’t be easy an enjoy the fillum. ‘Wha’s his name? Wha’s her name?’ an they tell me te shut up. ‘Fuck off! Don’t be annoyin me!’ But I have te find out, an when I do, I keep repeatin it over an over te meself.
I ran home still repeatin it. An when I get in the door, Jackser is waitin fer me. ‘Well! Wha was the name of the fillum?’
‘Oklahoma, Jackser!’
‘Right! An wha was the actor’s name?’
‘Dan Duryea, Jackser.’
‘Ah, fuck it! I can’t stand tha swine! I don’t want te hear any more!’
The next time I went te the pictures, Jackser asked me who was in it. I couldn’t remember, so I said, ‘Dan Duryea, Jackser!’ an he said, ‘Again?’
I said, ‘Yeah! The fillum was a waste of money!’ So now I just find out who he doesn’t like an then I tell him they were in it. An now he doesn’t ask me any more!
18
I told me ma the sores was back in me head, an she had a look. ‘Tha’s from pickin up dirty hair clips from the ground an puttin them in yer hair!’ she roared.
‘No, Ma! I didn’t, it’s not! They just came back by themselves.’
She just looked at me an started chewin her lip, an then turned away from me. It got worse an started te spread all over me head. So I told her again. ‘Ah, leave me alone,’ she said. ‘I warned ye not te be puttin other people’s clips in yer hair.’
‘Nobody gives me clips, Ma, it just happened!’
Jackser heard us an roared over, ‘Wha’s goin on? Wha’s tha young one up te now?’
An me ma said, hopin te get me inta trouble, ‘She has her head full of sores from pickin up dirty clips! An now she’s complainin te me! What am I supposed te do?’
I looked over at Jackser. I was expectin him te run at me an give me a dig. But instead, Jackser roared at me ma an said, ‘Well! Get up off yer arse, Mrs, an bring the child te the doctor! She’s ye’re young one, an she needs te be seen! Now, get movin, ye’ll catch the dispensary doctor if ye go now!’ An then he pointed te Charlie, ‘An take him wit ye! He’s very chesty. Tell tha doctor te give ye somethin te build him up.’
Charlie laughed an rushed aroun lookin fer his shoes an coat. An I got him ready while me ma dragged herself up from the chair, givin out te herself cos no one was listenin, an Jackser told her te shift herself, cos the doctor wouldn’t wait fer her.
We sat in the dispensary, waitin our turn te see the doctor. An me an Charlie climbed on the back of the benches, chasin each other, while me ma had a great time, complainin te aul ones sittin beside her about how hard it was te rear childre. An men were no good, an if she had her time over again, she’d have no childre. An have nothin te do wit men, cos they were all a curse. An childre would break yer heart! People sat an smoked, an coughed an wheezed, an thumped their chests, an said they were done fer this world. They said the doctor was no good. He didn’t know his arse from his elbow, tha ye’d know more yerself! An tha he didn’t even look at ye, never mind give ye a chance te say what ails ye! An then an aul man asked the lot of us, ‘What did I fight fer in the First World War? Who gives a care?’ Everyone shook their heads in agreement an murmured, ‘True fer ye! The poor will always be downtrodden an them rich get richer on our backs.’ An then there was a roar, ‘Who’s bloody well next? The doctor’s waitin in there!’ Me ma jumped up, laughin an wipin the corner of her eye – she always does tha when she feels foolish – an me an Charlie clattered off the benches an charged inta the doctor’s room. An waited fer me mammy te tell him.
The doctor ordered ointment fer me head, an me ma’s te bring me back if it doesn’t work. Then he looked over his glasses at Charlie an said he was malnourished fer a two-an-a-half year old, an I was, too. An he asked me ma wha she was feedin us. Me ma chewed her lip fer ages an coughed, tryin te think of the right answer, an then she said, ‘Eh, the usual – potatoes an things like tha.’ An I looked at her, very annoyed at her fer tellin lies. The only potatoes I saw was sittin on Jackser’s plate!
The doctor, who had been starin at her from over his glasses an waitin patiently fer her answer, sniffed an said, ‘Indeed,’ an ordered Radio Emulsion an malt te be given te us after our meals, three times daily. The emulsion was yella, an I couldn’t stomach it. An the malt looked like toffee. Me ma dug in the spoon an wrapped the gooey malt aroun it, but I wouldn’t open me mouth, an Charlie ended up gettin the lot fer himself. He loved it! We picked up a box of DDT te get rid of the fleas – tha’s wha the doctor calls them, we call them hoppers! Anyway, I covered meself an Charlie in the white powder an shook it all over the bed, hopin we’d get a good night’s sleep fer once without bein eaten alive wit the hoppers.
Me ma kept puttin the ointment on me head, but it doesn’t work
. The sores are coverin me whole head, an me ma cut me hair off. But it’s no good. Jackser said I’m not te go outside the door in tha state, cos I’d make a show of them. So now I’m stuck in, at the mercy of him an her. Me ma has te go fer the messages herself, an she’s ragin. She keeps givin out over me gettin meself a scabby head, an he keeps tellin her if she doesn’t stop her naggin, he’ll do time fer her. I pretend te be busy, rushin up an down the room doin nothin. They say te me, give me this, get me tha – slap! wallop! Not tha, ye fuckin eejit, an then Jackser roared at me ma again, ‘Get tha young one back te the doctor, Mrs.’ Cos me head was bleedin an oozin yella pus, an I was scratchin an cryin, cos the lice was eatin me head alive. The doctor shook his head an jumped back. ‘Take this child to St Kevin’s Hospital today. They will admit her,’ an he wrote out a note an gave it te me ma.
We walked up te St Kevin’s Hospital in James’s Street. It used te be fer paupers an was called the Union. People went in there te die. I don’t suppose people die there any more, cos they changed the name. I said tha te me ma as we walked up. But she wasn’t listenin, an she just shouted, ‘Ah, don’t be annoyin me. I’ve more things on me mind!’
When we got te the hospital, we passed in the gate, leavin behind the porter’s lodge gate. We walked along windy paths, wit big buildins on our left an a huge high old wall on our right. We walked aroun this big wall fer miles. All the buildins were different hospital wards fer different diseases. Me ma knew her way aroun.
‘Wha’s tha buildin over there fer, Ma?’ I asked her, pointin.
‘Tha’s the dead house!’
‘Yeah! I knew I could smell death,’ I whispered te her.
‘Ah, shut up outa tha!’ me ma roared.
‘OK, Ma,’ I said. I forgot she hates anythin te do wit death.
Me ma was upset, an I knew she was wonderin how she’d manage without me, but I was upset meself. I wasn’t happy te be left in a place not knowin wha they were goin te do te me. An I’d miss me ma an me brother an the babby, who was always waitin fer me te tickle him, an he’d roar laughin an dribble all over me when I stuck me chin in his mouth an managed not te let him bite me wit his two teeth. I was glad when me ma finally headed inta a buildin an said, ‘We’re here.’ Me legs were painin me, an I was tired. Me ma left me wit the sister in charge of the ward an said, ‘Right, Martha! I’d better go, he’ll be waitin an wonderin where I am.’ An then she left.
The sister took me down te the bathroom an stripped me clothes off. Then she put a box on the chair an got me te climb up an kneel on it. Then she turned on the hot tap an filled the sink an put me head inta it. I was screamin an she was puttin stuff on me head, an tryin te pull the loose scabs an soften the sores, an clean the oozin stuff out. An then she gently put a towel on me head an had me stand down. Then she got a little scissors an started te cut away the hair still stuck te me head. I was cryin, cos it was hurtin me, an the sister said, ‘I know, pet. Your head is walkin with lice, and I have to clean your scabs out. This is a dreadful mess. But if you bear with me, it will be over soon.’ It took an awful long time, washin an cleanin wit swabs, an cuttin an dabbin. Me head was screamin in agony, an I was so tired.
When it was finally over, the sister bandaged me head. An I couldn’t see me head any more, it was completely covered in white bandages. I had nothin te wear fer bed, an the sister said she had nothin, but she finally found me a shift tha was miles too small fer me, an it barely covered me arse. I think it must have belonged te a babby! I had no slippers, so the sister put me shoes back on me an threw me clothes inta the bin fer burnin. Me shoes were miles too big fer me, an the sister threw out the rags I used te stuff them. ‘Right, pet! Come along, and I’ll get you into a nice warm bed.’ She took me hand, an I dug in me toes te hang on te me shoes, an I clattered along wit her. I was lookin forward now te seein me bed. I could dive under the blankets an hide, an no one would get me, cos I was still afraid in this strange place.
We went inta a little ward wit a big winda on the right an only two beds. One bed te the right, behind the door, an another bed on the opposite wall down under the winda. The winda was much too high fer me te see out. There was a grown-up girl wit red hair in the other bed, an her skin was completely yella. There was another door leadin inta a very big ward, an it was filled wit women. The sister put me inta the bed behind the door an tucked me under the lovely white sheets. An I had te adjust me bandaged head on the lovely white pillas, tryin te find a spot tha didn’t hurt me. An then I was out like a light.
The next night, I woke up an it was the middle of the night, an me head was so itchy it was killin me. I was tearin an tearin, but I couldn’t stop the itch, an eventually I managed te lift the bandage in one piece off me head – it looked like a turban. The inside was crawlin wit lice, an pus, an scabs, an blood. An I had a good scratch on me head an put the turban back on, so the sister wouldn’t know, an went back te sleep.
This mornin, the nurse, her name is Philomena, changed me bandages. She got the scissors an started cuttin the old ones away. I didn’t tell her all she had te do was lift it off me head. I’m wonderin now if this new one will be easy te lift off when I need te scratch. When she was finished, she said I could pretend I was Napoleon wit me war wound. Then she took me hand, an said, ‘Come on, Napoleon, I’m taking you for your bath.’
I pulled me hand back an said, ‘Ah, no, Nurse! I only just had me bath.’
An she said, ‘That was yesterday! This is today and now you need to be fresh.’
I said, ‘Ah, Nurse! I’m fresh enough. You’ll give me a cold if ye wash me too often, tha’s wha me ma says.’
‘OK,’ the nurse says. ‘We’ll only dip your toes in. We don’t want you catchin cold now, do we?’
‘Right so,’ I said, an I took her hand. We were walkin down the corridor, an me shoes was makin a slappin noise on the floor. They kept fallin off me, an Philomena said, ‘I’ll try to find you some socks.’ An these two porters were pullin a trolley along, an they stopped te let us pass. ‘Mornin, Nurse. Howa ye, titch?’ they said te me. I asked the nurse wha tha means, an she said it means tiny. I pulled back on the nurse’s hand an stopped. I opened me mouth te roar somethin back, an then I said, after thinkin about it fer a minute, cos I was ragin, ‘Youse are not worth the milk yer mothers fed ye’s! Don’t youse call me titch. I’m big! I’m nearly eight, so I am!’ An I turned back an walked on wit the nurse. She was screamin laughin an crossin her legs. An them porters thought it was a joke, too! But I wasn’t laughin. The cheek! I’m gettin bigger all the time!
The red-haired one I’m sharin the room wit is called Kathleen. She doesn’t talk much, she’s very quiet. Kathleen is fifteen years old, she’s grown up. But there’s no one else. The rest of the patients is aul ones, an most of them is very cranky. I’m the only child here. I asked Kathleen how she got her skin all yella, an she said it was jaundice. Whatever tha is! ‘Ye must have been eatin too many oranges,’ I told her. ‘Ye should stay away from them oranges.’ She’s always eatin them. But she won’t listen te me!
I was sittin on me bed, examinin me toes an remarkin te Kathleen how clean they were, but she wasn’t listenin. She was readin a book an dippin her hand inta the bag of sweets she had hidden under her sheets. I felt like sayin, give us one! But I knew she wouldn’t, an I wasn’t goin te make a show of meself! I got fed up when I’d nothin left te look at, so I wandered over te Kathleen an climbed on te her bed. ‘Ah, get offa me bed!’ she said. ‘Ye’ll crease it.’
‘Ah, I won’t. I’ll be good. Read us a story, an if ye give us one of yer sweets, I’ll get yer messages fer ye! OK?’ an I looked at her, cos she put her face back inta the book.
‘No! Now get offa me bed or I’ll shout fer the nurse,’ an she hooshed me off. ‘Go on!’ she said. ‘Scram!’
So I jumped off the bed before she landed me on the floor. ‘Will ye not even give us a sweet?’
‘No!’ she said.
‘Not even one?’ I said.
‘Ye know wha yer trouble is?’ I said.
‘No, but you’ll tell me, right? Ye cheeky little monkey!’
‘Yer so mean ye’d shoot yer mammy just te go on the orphans’ outin! An ye can do yer own messages in future, cos I’m not talkin te ye no more!’
An I went off, leavin her sittin wit her mouth hangin open. ‘Wait till I get you,’ she roared after me when I was out the door.
I was ramblin down the passage when I saw Nurse Philomena an another nurse pullin a trolley wit loads a sheets an things. They pulled the trolley inta a ward, an I followed them in. They were strippin a bed an laughin an talkin te each other. An Philomena said te me, ‘How are ye, Napoleon?’
I said, ‘Did ye get me socks yet, Nurse?’
‘No, darling. I haven’t had the time yet. I’ll look later.’
‘OK,’ I said, an watched them makin the beds. ‘Where do ye’s come from?’ I asked after a while.
‘I’m from Tipperary,’ Philomena said, ‘an Teresa here is from Mayo.’
‘Is tha far?’ I asked.
‘Oh, it’s very far,’ they said, laughin. Then Philomena asked Teresa, ‘Did you go home Saturday?’
‘I did,’ Teresa said. ‘I got a lift down with Mickey Doon. In his new motor car.’
‘Go on!’ Philomena said. ‘And is anything stirring there?’
‘Divil a bit!’ said Teresa. ‘He’s waiting fer the old man to croak, and then it will be only forty acres. I’m not bothered, I’m hitting the bright lights of London when my time is up here.’
‘It will be great for us, I can’t wait,’ Philomena said.
‘So where did you head off to on Saturday?’ Teresa asked.
‘Oh, God, wait till I tell you!’ Philomena said. ‘I went to the National Ballroom. It was great crack, there was a big crowd of us. And I met this fella. He was a fine thing, I thought!’ an she was laughin her head off.