I get in my car and drive away before I can be stopped by steel-gray eyes and words that make my head spin.
21
Brant
Rick is pissed, and I don’t care.
He is threatening to cancel my tour and not record my singles until next year, and I don’t care.
He has the power to ruin my career and everything I’ve worked for, and I don’t care.
I only care about Cora. I only care about the anguished look on her face as she couldn’t admit what we both knew. I care about the things she said that play in my head like a sad, broken record.
We’re nothing…
All we are now is fucked…
That can’t be true.
I tried going after her, but I knew I was too far behind, and Rick would really pop a gasket if I didn’t go back to his office after storming out.
He hasn’t stopped yelling yet. I don’t know why he doesn’t realize that yelling doesn’t do anything. Just makes people shut down and zone out.
“You act like I’m the first one of your talent to have an addiction.” I finally cut through his soapbox. He stares back at me, his frown growing permanent lines.
“I took care of it. No one even knew.” I hate that Cora got dragged into this, that I couldn’t keep her out of it like I did with Julia. “And no one has to. I’m not using again.”
“They always say that.”
“It was situational.” I grit my teeth.
“What, the tour was too hard?”
“My dad died in the middle of the tour. We were very close.”
His face softens only a little bit. Barely noticeable.
“I’m pissed at you.”
“Yeah.” I almost smirk.
“You and Cora…”
“Personal business, you’re not entitled to that.” I stand up, and he glowers at me.
After he is satisfied trying to get me to apologize or something, he gives up.
“You start recording tomorrow.”
“Right on.”
I leave his office and pass by Cora’s office just because. But it’s already locked and shut, the window blinds pulled down. What did I do…
For a few weeks, I call and text Cora until it becomes a routine. But I get nothing back from her. I don’t know what I expected. We both know she doesn’t mean to blame me, but it is just how she feels. It was my fault for even asking that of her. For putting her in that position. I should have never let her stick with it, especially later on when she started to worry again. Things just slipped away from me so fast, and I had no way of catching them.
I miss Cora so fucking much it kills me. My bed smells like her— even after changing the sheets, I catch her scent etched into my pillows. My house doesn’t look the same anymore, not after she has been in it. Not even after that very first date when I had no idea I would care for her beyond that night. Even if I told her I love her, I don’t think it would make a difference. She would say something about me writing songs again as she did before.
When I start packing up for the tour, I feel like being far away will help, but I don’t want to be without seeing or talking to her. I need her more than I realize.
I leave early the day I fly out so I can stop by her house. I wonder if she will be there this early, but then remember I got her put on probation and feel sick to my stomach again. I hate thinking of her unhappy. She loves her work. She worked hard to get to this point, and I helped fuck it all up in a matter of days.
I stop on the curb and walk up to her door knocking five times before it swings open. I see Damian instead in his school uniform.
“Hey kid, is your sister home?”
His youthful face glares at me, and I feel a little scared. I’m sure I make the same face when I protect one of my brothers, though I haven’t done that since grade school. Kids always made fun of Jeffrey because he is short.
“No.” He has a deep voice for a kid.
I look to see her car parked and raise my brow at him.
“Look, man to man…”
“Please don’t try that with me, dude. It won’t work. Plus, I’m still a minor. I could easily hand it to you and only get community service. So just get out of here, Brant.” My name rolls off his tongue like venom, and he moves to shut the door, but I stop it.
“Please, I just want to see her before I leave.” I try to smile at him, but it’s no use. He shakes his head, and I move to give up, but then Cora rears her head.
“It’s fine, Damian. Finish your breakfast so we can go.” She steps behind him, and he glowers at me for another good second before walking off.
Cora steps out onto her porch and shuts the door behind her. Looking at her is like a breath of fresh air. Her long hair is down and loose over her shoulders, the shirt and tights she has on fit her perfectly, and I want to hold her, feel her softness and warmth against me again. I want it more than I ever wanted drugs. And even if I don’t have her, I never want them again. The curves of her cheeks are painted with her blush, her beauty radiant and natural. But I see such deep sadness in her eyes that it makes my gut twist with discomfort.
“Hi.” I swallow.
“What do you want?” She crosses her arms and avoids my gaze.
“I’ve been calling. I was worried about you. I just wanted to check on you.”
“Well, you’ve checked.”
I step toward her, and she tenses. “Cora, I don’t want it to end like this.”
“I think it has, Brant.” She looks down, her lashes fanning over her cheeks.
“No, it hasn’t. Come on, Cora, we’re more than this.”
“I already told you…”
“Yeah, the same way you told me that you wouldn’t run. The same way you promised.”
Her eyes meet mine then, tears brimming her surface. I just want to reach out and touch her, but I don’t want her to run off in response.
“Brant, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Cora. Be brave like I know you are.”
Her lips twist up as she tries to hold back tears.
“I just can’t. Not with…”
“Not with me.”
She doesn’t correct me.
“I’m going on tour for three months. I’m leaving today,” I tell her. She raises her brows at me, but that’s it, her face doesn’t change. My heart gnaws at the fact she doesn’t want me anymore.
“Good luck with that.” She wipes a tear before I see it.
“I was thinking if it might be okay if we just start over when I get back. A real fresh start.”
She blinks at me, and I smile halfway feeling hopeful. Instead, she shakes her head and continues to hurt me in ways I didn’t know were possible.
“I’m not here for you now, Brant, so don’t expect me to be here for you when you get back.”
Even though her voice cracks, and her eyes flicker like she isn’t sure, I no longer question it. Because I either beg or wait for her to see that we really are it for each other.
“Okay… okay.” I inhale sharply and run my hands through my hair to try and relieve some tension. “I want to be better for you, Cora. For once in my life, I want to be better.”
I turn and leave her with that so she doesn’t see me lose it.
Knowing I’m walking away from her for the next three months, my feet are heavy and don’t want me to drive away.
So, I don’t know why I still do.
22
Cora
Watching Brant drive away last week is like feeling my heart separate from me. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why I can’t dive in and take the risk with him especially since I know how much I do love him.
So, so much.
I love how funny he is, carefree and relaxed. I love the way he would dote on me and pander to my reluctant ways even when he didn’t want to. He does care about me, and I wonder if he loves me too, but after how I have treated him, I doubt he would. Brant is charming and enigmatic, but he is als
o intelligent and caring—a dangerous combination with his perfect good looks. No wonder I fell for him faster than a bird in the wind.
He is perfect for my uptight, no-nonsense ways and always trying to get-to-the-next-place focused-type personality. With him, I could just relax and enjoy every moment. It’s no wonder I lied for him, tried to protect him the same way I would Damien, the only other person in this world that I love—just not in the same way.
“Sis, you’re sulking.” Damien comes out of his room probably finished with his homework.
This is the saddest Friday night I have had in a while. Complete with the pizza I have just ordered for dinner and wine I dragged myself out of the house to buy. At least I didn’t lose my pay too, then I wouldn’t be able to do some retail therapy. I’m expecting four packages.
“I’m not. Just sitting,” I lie. Damien has been worried about me after Brant showed up here that morning a week ago. He has been checking on me ever since. But I know he is just waiting until he can give me his own opinions.
“Yeah, right.” He drops next to me looking very boyish today in basketball shorts and blue t-shirt. I like when he looks more like a kid. I feel less old and less like I can lose him soon.
“I mean it.” My voice is sad.
I’m not surprised about it, though. I’ve been on probation from my job, pushed away a man who clearly wants to be with me and who I love, only to be alone. It used to feel comfortable and safe. Now it’s just lonely and unfortunate.
“Cora, I hate seeing you like this. You’ve never broken up with someone this bad. Not even Will from law school, and he lasted way longer.”
I almost smile.
“I didn’t feel the same way about Will from law school.” I sigh. He was nice and probably the perfect man to marry, but he just wasn’t my man.
“Yeah, I know. I think Brant was nice.”
“You threatened to beat him up.”
“Because I didn’t have all the facts. Plus, it doesn’t matter that I like him. He just has to know I’ll come for him.”
I really laugh then. Damien turns next and looks at me.
“Nice way to put it.”
“What’s the real deal, sis?” He touches my arm, and I close my hand over his.
“I don’t know. I’m complicated.”
He scoffs. “Not really. You like things simple, your dinner fancy, and your heels high.”
I smile at knowing how my brother sees me. “I’m more than that.”
“Of course, you are. But that’s not why you pushed Brant away. So he’s got some issues, seems like he worked them out. Plus, you could have ratted on him forever ago, and you didn’t. It’s no one’s fault you got put on probation but shitty luck. I think Mom and Dad really fucked you up.”
I take in his words and frown at him. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you can’t rely on people for anything, and for Brant not to stick around and love you or whatever. It must suck, sis. I’m sorry.”
I gape at him and try to find my words.
“That’s ridiculous. I rely on you.”
He laughs with his head back. “No, you don’t.” He has a big grin on his face.
“Damien, yes I do, I…”
“For what?”
“Lots of things, this for one.”
He rolls his eyes. “I’m your brother, it’s different. I mean outside people.”
I giggle and am thankful my brother can make me laugh.
“Brant hasn’t given me a reason not to trust him. He has always been honest, and I trust him. I’m afraid of that, just… being so invested in another person that I’m blind.”
“Well, I don’t know about all that, sis. But… I do know you’re too old to be turning guys down.”
I nudge him, and he play-fights me back.
“I am not…” Although I do think about being almost thirty-one and all by myself. I know it isn’t a written law that I should be with someone and get married and start a family, but it’s what I want one day.
“I’m not saying call him and beg him to come back. Just think about it, and maybe do something before it’s too late. You know, before the groupies get to him.”
I smile at my brother and hug him before he pulls away, too old for hugs. He used to drag on my leg for them, but now he hates them. But he does sit with me and watch The Bachelorette until we go off to bed.
For another night, I cry after two hours of laying down by myself. I used to read over our texts and start new threads with him, and sometimes he would call me just to annoy me to sleep. I miss him so much. His scent, his taste, his everything… Brant is everything, and I might have lost it.
Surely, I have after all those hurtful things I said to him. Things that I didn’t even mean and only said out of fear, fear that I don’t even understand. I wipe my tears and roll over tugging the sheets to me like I would hold him to me in my sleep.
I don’t know what I was thinking pushing Brant away. Before, I was all about work and Damien. Then Brant showed up and… now I wish I didn’t care so much about that job just so I wouldn’t have pushed Brant away.
Of course, he didn’t ruin my life, and I am very much still here for him.
Why didn’t I know that before?
I spend a few weeks going over my law books again to refresh and keep my mind on its toes. I’m not even sure I liked entertainment law all that much. The entitled, big-headed clients gave me headaches. I think back in law school when I was set on criminal law because I had seen enough lawyers and police officers from how many times my parents were in jail or the courthouse. But it was around the time Damien switched to elementary school, and the firms hiring were too far away. I didn’t want to be without a job to pursue it.
I started with interning at any firm that would hire me and only need me for less than full time. I couldn’t put Damien in daycare, so I had to watch him. Then I moved on to the Public Defender’s Office until I landed at Striker.
The agency is nice, and I do like it there. Some parts of the job are fun, but nothing is riveting or all that exciting. I really wish it were. But I have no real chance of getting a new job while suspended, so I am going to wait it out and go back to work with a clear head, and if I want to move, I’ll move.
All I can think about now is Brant. It’s been a month since he left. I avoid pop culture channels to keep from seeing stuff about his tour. But it doesn’t last long. I find myself googling him again and feeling sick as I always do. I feel sick every morning, and it must be from not waking up to him anymore. I wish I stayed with him all the times he asked me to.
He is doing well. His concerts were sold out, so even if I wanted to go…
There aren’t many good quality videos to really hear his voice or even see him, but I recognize one song as the one he played for me and am surprised he still performed it.
Tears flood my eyes, and my emotions are all out of whack. I want to cry all day and sleep. Then I want to run a few miles and clean the house. This has me all messed up.
I pick Damien up from school. He tells me about him and Jude planning something for the summer. At this point, I’d let him do whatever. He is smart and mature enough.
“Where are we going?” Damien asks when I don’t take the exit.
“Oh, I have to get blood work done. We both do. It’s annual, remember?”
He rolls his eyes and groans. He hates giving blood.
“Relax. It isn’t like they will find anything.”
My stomach churns from the thought of giving blood, but I ignore it knowing it can’t be that bad. Worst thing they will say is that I don’t drink enough water and way too much wine.
23
Brant
This is the second-best thing in my world. The roar of the crowd, every crowd no matter where I am. They sing along to my music and cheer long after I have finished my set. It makes me want to keep going despite what Rick and my publicist say. I could sing for them until I just can’t anymore bec
ause it’s what I’m good at. It has been like that for a very, very long time now.
The only reason it comes in second best is because first place was taken over by a certain heart and soul that still gnaws at mine every day.
Cora.
This is the last set of my show. But things are off this year, much different than the last tour. This is the second tour I have done since Dad died. It’s definitely different, but somehow, it just doesn’t hurt as much as the thought of losing Cora does.
I feel like I let my dad down, yet again. Maybe it’s old-fashioned, but I do have the responsibility complex kind of burrowed into me. My brothers came to other shows throughout the tour. The very last song I sing is the same one I opened with, my new single. It was released the week of the first tour date and hit the top charts within days and kept climbing. The other two did the same thing, but it didn’t mean anything to have those songs tied for number one without the woman behind them.
It’s been just over two months, and I miss Cora so much I’m aching all the time. She quickly got to me. Her wit, her beauty, everything about her. I don’t even know every single thing about her, but that doesn’t matter. I know enough. I know enough to be so in love with her, and I know I will never feel like it again—not with anyone else, ever. Because as I wrote the second song, I realized the thing was that I’ve never been in love before. Not truly falling for someone, tooth and nail, faults and all, not giving a damn about how much it will hurt when you hit the ground.
Walking away from her, leaving her on her front porch to do this tour—that was me falling.
“Brant, you were out of tune the whole time.” Alec. He comes into my dressing room, and I turn to see he isn’t alone. I’m not surprised he is wearing all black, but I am taken back by how pretty Mia looks in just her jeans and my show shirt. It’s because my face is on the shirt.
Wilde About Brant - The Brothers Wilde Series Book Two Page 16