Ryan narrowed his eyes at his wife. “Watch it. I like him, babe. Don’t make me kill him.”
Before I had a chance to reply, a taller blonde woman came into the room, immediately squealing and dropping to her knees at my feet, her hands grabbing at Padraig’s smiling face. “Oh my God, this is the biggest, sweetest dog I have ever seen in my life,” she gushed.
Sean emerged with a little blonde girl in his arms and sat down on the couch next to me. “This is Lindsey, my fiancée, and this is our niece, Erin.”
Looking down at the woman with wavy blonde hair and a contagious smile, there was one thing I knew for certain: The men I could now call my half-brothers each had a breathtakingly beautiful woman to call their own, and I was feeling painfully left out. Was this what it was like to have siblings?
“Sorry.” Lindsey grimaced as she looked up at me. “I’ve always wanted a dog and we can’t have one in our apartment.”
I smiled. “No problem. He loves the attention.”
Paddy came down the stairs and, like he was about to make some grand announcement, he cleared his throat. I looked at him expectantly, and he said, “Hey, Mal, you wanna come up with me? Mam and Da don’t want to meet ya with everybody around.”
This was it. I knew who was up there, I knew what waited for me, and on knocking knees, I pulled myself off the sofa. I asked Lindsey if she’d mind sitting with Pad, and she nodded eagerly, more than willing to oblige.
I followed Paddy up the stairs and down the hallway toward an open door. As I went, I imagined them as boys, wandering this hall. Together. And I imagined myself, an only child, thousands of miles away and alone, and the newly familiar jealousy bit down hard on my heart.
The room came into full view—an office of some kind—as Paddy entered first. “Okay,” he said on a heavy breath. “So, Mam, Da, … this is Malachy,” and with that splendid introduction, I stepped inside, like I was some big reveal on a game show.
Then, I found myself wandering into something of a dream.
He looked like me, albeit decades older and greying just a bit more, but everything else … it was the same. Height and face. Eyes and hair. I found it hard to breathe in that dream world, my chest working and heaving and I put a hand over my heart. Christ, it was beating so hard and fast, and if I had more clarity of mind, I might’ve been concerned that I was going into cardiac arrest.
“Malachy? Are ya okay, dear?” It was the soft sound of the woman’s voice that pulled me back down to my surreal reality, and I focused on her. Blonde and fair, with gentle features, and wearing a dress fit for a television housewife. I saw Sean and Ryan in her face and eyes, but Paddy and now, myself …
We were this man. Collin.
I felt myself nod, although I don’t recall giving my body the command to do so. “A—” I began to speak, choked by something in my throat, and I coughed. “Aye. This is just … a bit unreal.”
“Well,” Paddy intruded, reminding us all that he was still there, “I guess I’ll head back downstairs and … check on dinner, or somethin’.” And he was gone, hurrying down the hallway to let the awkward introductions continue, and I turned back to the speechless man and his wife.
She smiled kindly at me and gestured toward a sofa. “Will ya sit, dear? Do ya want somethin’ to drink?”
I awkwardly made my way to sit down. “Ehm, I’d love somethin’, thanks.”
“Whiskey?” she asked knowingly, and I nodded with gratitude. “I’ll be right back, and please, Collin, for the love of Christ, say somethin’ to the boy.”
She floated from the room and down the stairs, and we were alone. Both of us staring at our hands, not knowing what to say, because, what is there to say in that situation? I wasn’t quite sure, given I’d never been in it before, and I wish I had read some sort of manual on the flight instead of talking to Emma Bryan the lifestyle-slash-food blogger: How to Connect with Your Long-Lost Father.
He pulled in a deep breath, like he was about to say something, and I lifted my gaze. Preparing myself to hear his voice and to know if he sounded like me.
“There’s so much I want to say,” he said, hushed and gruff. “I-I want to know everythin’ about ya and your life, and I don’t even know how or where to start. I’m still gettin’ used to the idea of ya even existin’, and now you’re here …”
“I know how ya feel.” I nodded, dropping my eyes back to the rug blanketing the floor. It was a ruddy looking brown and worn in some spots. There was history held in that rug, and I couldn’t stop thinking that I hadn’t been a part of any of it.
“I … I-I know I could’ve just asked ya more in our messages, but I thought it’d be better to say some things in person, ya know?” I nodded again. “So, I guess I’ll start by askin’, did ya know about me?”
I began to shake my head, and then I stopped myself, looking up to face him as I spoke. “Mam told me about ya after me, ehm … stepfather, I guess—”
Collin shook his head sternly and lowered his brows. “Ya don’t have to be apologetic about that, ya understand?” he reproached, already handling me with a tone that I found unsettling and comforting all at once, and I faltered in my nod. “I’m sorry,” he continued. “I just … I want ya to feel comfortable, and I don’t want ya to feel sorry about the way things were. Neither one of us had much of a choice in that, and all we can do is make good with what we have now, all right?”
I knew he didn’t mean it the way it sounded, but my shoulders still sagged, and I was stabbed with a bitterness toward my mother. For not telling him, for not telling me. For denying him my birth and my childhood. For not insisting that we found him together, before she died, before I was left to do it on my own.
I was silent for too long, so he asked me to continue. I took a breath, and pushed aside my angry thoughts. “After me father passed away, she did tell me about ya. She told me he hadn’t been me biological father and—”
“Did he know?” he asked, cutting me off.
I nodded. “He did.”
“And neither one of them told ya until he was gone?”
I shook my head. “Mam didn’t want it to affect the relationship I had with Da.”
Collin’s expression was unreadable, with his lips tucked between his teeth and his brows furrowed over distant eyes. “I guess she did what she thought was right,” he finally said after moments of silence. “That’s all any parent can do, ya know. Even if the things we think are right really aren’t at all.”
I didn’t respond with words. I simply nodded once, and Helen came bustling into the room with two glasses in hand. She passed one to me, then one to Collin, before she clasped her hands together and informed us that dinner would be ready in ten minutes.
“I hope ya like pot roast,” she said to me.
“I’ll eat just about anything,” I replied with a smile, being polite and almost meaning it.
“Paddy just went to get Meghan. Hope ya like kids too, because his are gonna be all over ya,” she teased, and hurried back downstairs to finish dinner.
“Ah, especially Meghan. You’re fresh meat,” Collin commented with a hearty chuckle, and he sipped at his whiskey. “So, what do ya think so far?”
“Of what?” I asked, welcoming the warmth of alcohol as it slid down my throat, heating my belly and instantly pushing me to relax into the couch.
Collin laughed and shrugged one shoulder. “Ehm, well, I guess … all of this. What do ya think? Do ya wanna fly back to Ireland yet?”
And, had I been asked three hours ago, on that plane with a beautiful stranger, heading across the pond, I would’ve said yes. I would’ve said it was all a horrible mistake that I never should’ve agreed to. And I would’ve longed to be back in my dank little pub. But now, sitting across from the father I’d never known existed, drinking good whiskey while my new-found half-brothers played with my dog, I wasn’t sure there was anywhere else I really wanted to be.
“No,” I replied, and that scared the shite out of me.
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CHAPTER SIX |
DINNER & DIFFERENCES
MALACHY
My mother was an only child, and she was with a man who was one as well. The two of them never had any other children, and so I was left to suffer through quiet family dinners and lackluster gatherings with grandparents. I was the envy of every kid in school, while I drooled over the very concept of having to share a room.
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d find myself at forty, sitting at a table as a member of the Kinney family. Loud, loving, and full of more acceptance than I felt I deserved, considering they had only just met me. But there I was, laughing and smiling and wishing I had met them sooner.
I was sandwiched between Sean, and Paddy’s eldest daughter Meghan, at her insistence. She was a sweet thing, full of questions and sarcastic attitude, and her red hair perfectly matched mine and her grandfather’s.
“What’s it like where you live?” she asked, staring at me like I was a shiny new toy.
“Well … I live in Dublin, and that’s a pretty big city,” I said, turning to give her my full attention.
“Bigger than New York City? I’ve been there before with my mom. She took me for my last birthday and we went to Junior’s for cheesecake,” Meghan informed me, taking a hearty bite of a biscuit.
I didn’t have the slightest clue if my city was bigger than the city that never slept, so I turned to consult the table. Sean, to my left, shook his head.
“Meg, New York City is a lot bigger than most other major cities,” he told her. “But that’s including all the boroughs. Dublin has boroughs too, but it’s still a lot smaller.”
I turned to him. “You’ve been to Dublin?”
He nodded with a grin. “Our relatives live in Balbriggan. So a few times, our cousins and I have wandered over to the city.”
Helen then asked me, “Have ya always lived there?”
“Aye,” I said. “Me parents moved me around quite a bit from apartment to apartment, but always in Dublin or right outside of the city.”
“So, River Canyon is in a whole other league, huh?” Snow asked, peering at me over her glass of water, and I chuckled.
“It’s just a bit smaller than Dublin, I’d say,” I joked, “but from what I’ve seen, it looks nice.”
Paddy tore up bits of biscuit for Erin as he threw in, “We should take ya out after dinner. Maybe over to the Ol’ Tavern. Ya know, to blow your mind a little with our crazy nightlife over here.”
“That’s a pub?” I asked, my ears pricking up.
Collin nodded. “Best in town,” and he laughed.
“Is it the only pub in town?” I cocked a brow, and Lindsey nodded with a laugh.
“It’s actually where we had our first date,” she said, looping an arm around Sean’s, and I smiled as I became more and more familiar with that jealous ache in my chest.
❧
The guys grabbed a table, while I insisted on buying the drinks. Ryan gave me strict instructions not to get him anything that would leave him completely wrecked, saying something about not having had a drink in years, so I promised I’d try to behave myself.
But, this was my forte, and so after a chat with the bartender, I was heading back to the table with four Fat Frogs. Glowing bright and green, and at the sight of them in my hands, Sean looked directly into my eyes and stated, “We’re gonna be in trouble around you, aren’t we?”
Ryan grabbed a glass, drank and damn near went cross-eyed. “Feckin’ hell, if ya order me another one of these, my boot’s goin’ straight up your arse. I don’t care who ya are.”
“Sorry, last one, I swear. But, what’s the story with that?” I asked, sliding onto the bench next to Sean, across from Paddy and Ryan.
“Made a lot of stupid choices years ago, and got myself into a lot of trouble. Last time I got drunk, I broke a lot of shite in my ex-girlfriend’s house, and she kicked me out. Took goin’ through that to realize I can’t handle my alcohol.”
“Or pot, or E, or …” Paddy drawled, counting off on his fingers.
“Yeah, whatever. I don’t do any of that shite anymore. I even managed to kick the cigarettes.” Ryan smiled with a noticeable amount of pride as he held up his glass. “But this, I’m doin’ this one for you, Mal.”
I laughed, lifting my glass to him. “The gesture is appreciated.”
Sean shifted forward in his seat and said, “So, what’s your story? Not married, no kids … any reason?”
“Jesus, Seanie! Ya don’t just ask someone somethin’ like that,” Ryan exclaimed incredulously.
The sweetness of the drink bit at my tongue, and I licked my lower lip. “No, it’s all right. I, ehm … I dunno. It’s just how it’s always been.”
“Never met anybody worth committing to?” Ryan asked, despite his reluctance to have the conversation in the first place. “That was my problem. I’d had girlfriends, but I was always more of a fan of the random hook-ups, until Snow. She changed everything.”
“Shut the hell up,” Paddy groaned. “Snow was supposed to be a random hook-up too.” He laughed with a shake of his head.
“Yes, but she initiated it, arsehole.”
Smiling, I shrugged. “Maybe that’s what it is, or maybe I’m just not meant for all of that.”
Paddy drank before shaking his head. “I wouldn’t know what that’s like.”
“Here we go,” Ryan mumbled, drawing circles around a knot in the wood with his finger.
Sean laughed while Paddy continued, “Nah, it’s just that … there was no question for me about where I was goin’ with my life.”
“How do ya mean?” I asked, folding my arms on the table.
He shrugged, leaning against the bench’s wooden back. “When we came here from Ireland, I was three years old, and the day we arrived, I met Kinsey. The second I saw her, I was a feckin’ goner.”
Chuckling, I shook my head. “Ya were practically an infant at three years old. No way ya could’ve known you’d marry her one day.”
“He married her when they were six,” Sean mumbled around his own light chuckle.
Paddy nodded, gazing into the illuminated green of his drink. “Nah, I knew.”
“And I knew the second I saw Lindsey that she was special,” Sean agreed, and Ryan shrugged.
“I don’t know about this knowin’ shite, but I knew Snow was at least different.”
My lips pinched and twisted. It had been quite the eventful day, between the flight and the stoking of friendships with these wonderful people I shared blood with. But the simple fact that I had never felt an immediate connection to a member of the fairer sex. That I had never known we were destined to be together for all of eternity … it served as a reminder that I was different from them. That I wasn’t as one with them as I wished I was. I sighed and drank the rest of my drink with a headache starting to drill into my weary brain.
CHAPTER SEVEN |
BEDROOMS & MIDDLE NAMES
MALACHY
Helen and Collin insisted Padraig and I stay at their house. They weren’t going to have me paying for a hotel room when they had plenty of space to spare.
The room Helen made up for me was upstairs, situated down the hall from theirs.
“This was Paddy and Kinsey’s room, before they bought their house,” she explained, as she bustled around the room with fresh pillows all fluffed and ready. I eyed them with a burning lust, anxious to lay my head down and sleep for a feckin’ week. She smiled at me. “And before that, it was his room when he was a boy. After he stopped sharin’ a room with Ryan and Sean.”
I nodded, wandering the walls with my exhausted gaze. My mother and father hadn’t developed an attachment to any one apartment or house, and I had a difficult time grasping the concept of sleeping in the same room my oldest half-brother had slept in when he was just a child. I could only vaguely consider all of the history held within those walls, all of those memories. And now, my stay was being added to them. An orphaned man and his giant
dog.
“Ah, well, I’m sure you’re exhausted, from your flight and … all of this,” she said sweetly, reaching out to gently touch my arm. She was an affectionate woman, that Helen Kinney, and I found it strange and comforting. “I’ll make sure we’re quiet in the mornin’. You just sleep as long as ya’d like.”
“Thanks,” I replied with a grateful smile.
An awkward moment passed between us. Neither knowing what to say, what to do, until she smiled and bowed her head, taking a step back before turning around and closing the door behind her.
I stripped down to my underwear, not giving a rat’s arse about digging my pajamas out of my suitcase, and I collapsed onto the bed with a long-winded sigh.
“Pad? What’re ya doin’, boy?” With a tired groan, Padraig jumped onto the bed with ease. He flopped down next to me, draping one of his long forelegs over my chest, and I patted him. “Good boy.”
Closing my eyes, I pictured my home for the first time since leaving. So far away, both physically and metaphorically. I pictured The Wet Hog, my pub in one of the lesser traveled areas of the city. My usual patrons would’ve missed me being open, but Ireland has the drunkard stereotype for a reason, and they’d find somewhere new to go, whether it be the pub down the street, or another.
The fact is, anybody that would’ve been missing me was already gone.
I shushed my maddening thoughts and in the stillness of the house, I could hear the broken pieces of Collin and Helen’s conversation.
“So, what do … think … him?” Helen asked. Collin’s response was muffled and she said, “Who … think I’m talkin’ about?”
“… dunno, Helen,” he said, and my brow furrowed.
“How … ya not know?”
“… want … truth?” She responded to him in muffles, and my stomach clenched. “… feel sorry … the man.”
There was a hush, and I imagined a nod or the shake of a head. Maybe the concerned crumpling of a forehead. Then, she said, “So do I.”
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