“Collin,” she cut in, turning to look at him and to stare him down, “I don’t care how old he is. No son of mine is gonna abandon the woman carryin’ his child. I won’t stand for it.”
That was what it took for me to gasp around the sudden rush of a sob. Not Emma’s confessions of love or pregnancy. Not having all of these people begging me to stay, saying they want me and need me. But Helen Kinney calling me her son, with no obligation or blood to tie us together, brought me to push away from the table and walk from the room before the tears could splash onto the wooden surface where we’d just eaten Thanksgiving dinner.
I took the stairs and was met by Padraig halfway to my room. At the sight of his concerned, cocked head, I pressed my back to the wall and slid to the floor, wrapping my arms around his neck and releasing another sob into his fur. He whimpered, nudging my shoulder with his nose, until he finally relented and sat.
Footsteps on the stairs couldn’t bring me to stand up and lock myself behind the door of Paddy’s childhood room. Collin crouched to the floor beside me and laid a hand against my back.
“Malachy,” he said in a hushed voice, “there are a lot of things I’d change, now that I know what I know. But, the trouble with life is, we can’t go back, no matter how badly we want to.”
“Ya don’t have to tell me that,” I shamelessly wept, mumbling against Pad’s neck.
“I know,” he said sympathetically, sighing, “and I’m sorry for the things ya went through. But, sometimes though, when we’re lucky, we get a second chance. You and I got ours, didn’t we? Sure, I missed out on some of the important stuff. I didn’t see ya walk for the first time, and I haven’t a clue what your first word was—”
“It was ‘no,’ or so I’ve heard,” I croaked.
“Well, see, now I know.” He moved his hand up to grip my shoulder. “Mal, my point is, while I’m sad I didn’t get to be there for ya then, I feel lucky to be here now. To tell ya that you’ve been given somethin’ I wasn’t: you know. She didn’t let ya leave without tellin’ ya, and now you have the chance to make sure your son, or daughter, doesn’t have to know what it’s like to grow up without ya.”
“I would ruin a kid,” I complained, letting go of Padraig and leaning my back against the wall. “They’d be better off without me.”
“I don’t think ya really believe that,” he said, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “Emma’s girls love ya, and your brothers’ kids as well.”
I shook my head. “Yeah, they love me now, but what happens when they’ve known me longer, when I’ve done somethin’ to mess everythin’ up? I don’t know how to be a father, or a husband, or—”
“Well, you’ve been doin’ pretty good so far, but if ya ever do feck it up, ya got a whole lot of us here to help ya fix it,” and then he chuckled. “We can consider tonight a trial run, okay?” And I found my smile and nodded.
“Just do me a favor,” I said, slumping my shoulder against his.
“What’s that?”
“Don’t tell Ryan I cried, okay?”
Collin laughed heartily, squeezing his arm around my shoulders. “I won’t say a word to that little fecker.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE |
NEUROTIC WOMEN & LONELY MEN
EMMA
Didn’t I warn you?
It took me a half hour to get out of my car, to eventually find the strength to walk, and that strength came in the form of Sarah and Hailey calling me to wish me one last Happy Thanksgiving before bed.
“Hey babies,” I said, hoping they couldn’t hear the sorrow in my voice. “Happy Thanksgiving. How did your day go?” I got out of the car and took a deep breath before walking to the door.
“Fine. We just went to Grandma’s house,” Hailey told me. “Dad brought his friend Allison.”
Jared’s new girlfriend. I smiled weakly, hoping he’d be better for her than he was for me. “Oh yeah? What’s she like?” I asked, unlocking the door and pushing it open.
“She’s nice,” Sarah said. “She brought candy and a cake for dessert.”
“That was very sweet of her.” I pulled my coat off and threw it on the couch instead of hanging it up.
Just one of the things Malachy had pulled out of me. The ability to let my house look lived in.
“Is Malachy there?” Hailey asked. “We wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving. Does he celebrate Thanksgiving?”
I pinched my lips between my teeth and coaxed myself to breathe, to not let on that I was mourning. “He’s not here right now. He’s with his family tonight.”
“You didn’t have dinner with him?” She was putting pieces together in her fourteen-year-old way. I couldn’t hide things from her the way I used to.
“No, hon. I had dinner with Gramma and Grampa today. I had already promised them before I met Malachy.”
I walked through to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water before heading back toward the stairs. Dreading the bathroom, picturing the pregnancy test on the sink. God, how would I tell the girls about that? How was I supposed to be their advocate for safe sex, when I got myself knocked up through my own carelessness? And how was I going to raise a baby entirely by myself?
“Are you seeing him later?” Sarah asked, and I sighed.
“Baby, I don’t know,” I said, trying not to sound impatient when all I wanted to do was not talk about him, period.
“Maybe he can call—”
“Hailey, is your dad around?” I asked, cutting her off with the need to talk to someone else.
“Uh, you want to talk to him?”
“Yes,” I said shortly as I climbed the stairs, and I waited for them to put him on.
“Emma?”
Tears filled my eyes at the sound of his voice. “Oh, God, Jared,” I immediately cried, sitting on the top step.
I heard him moving through his house, the one we used to share ten minutes away, and listened as a door closed behind him. “Hey, hey, what happened?”
How was I going to explain this to him? “He doesn’t want me,” I blubbered into the phone. “I love him, and he rejected me.”
“Oh, Emma,” he said with a forlorn sigh. “I’m sorry. Really.”
“It gets better,” I cried, holding my hand over my stomach.
“What, you got knocked up?” He laughed, assuming I could never do something so foolish, when both of our children had been planned. I was always perfect, always careful. But when I didn’t laugh with him, he said, “Oh shit, are you actually pregnant?”
“Apparently,” I admitted, barely in a whisper. “He freaked out.”
“Who else knows?”
I looked up to the ceiling and shrugged. “Aside from him, just you. Well … I guess his family probably knows by now too.”
He hummed thoughtfully into the phone. “So, what are you going to do? Are you … you know, keeping it?”
“Yes,” I said, nodding and rubbing my hand over my belly. “I think I’ll be okay alone, and I’m sure the girls would love to help. I just can’t believe I could do something so … so fucking stupid, Jared. I let my guard down with him, I let myself relax, and this is what I get for it. I can’t even be mad at him! That’s the worst part! He told me … he told me he didn’t do relationships and commitment, and I told him I wasn’t looking for that, but—”
“Hey, Em, relax, okay?” Jared cut me off with a gentle voice. “I thought things were going well with you guys. You’ve been seeing each other for, what? A month? Month and a half?”
“Yeah. That’s not a long time though. That’s not enough—”
“It’s plenty of time to know when something is worth hoping for. You guys seemed pretty serious to me.”
“I told him I love him tonight, and he said he loves me,” I said quietly, hanging my head.
“And then?”
“But then, he said he couldn’t stay. That he has a life in Ireland.”
“Was this before or after you told him you’re pregnant?”
“Be
fore,” I whispered, and I sighed, because I couldn’t even blame him leaving on that.
Jared took a deep breath. “Well, listen Emma. Maybe the guy really is a dick, and if that’s the case, fuck him. You got rid of me for a reason, remember?” And I found it in me to laugh. “But my guess is leaning more toward the fact that he loves you. Maybe give him a little time before writing him off completely.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, we’ll see.”
“And hey, if you never hear from him again, it’s his loss, okay? And don’t forget, you’re not alone. I’m here, for what it’s worth. I’ve been through your pregnancy cravings, remember?”
A tear slid over my cheek as I laughed. “Hard to forget. And thanks, Jared. You’re a better friend than you were a husband.”
He laughed. “I’ll take the compliment. You gonna be okay?”
I nodded to myself. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just need to have a night of crying and ice cream, and I’ll be good as new tomorrow.”
“Good. Night, Em. Call me if you need me.”
❧
In some attempt to distract myself, I began to compile pictures I’d taken throughout Thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ place to use in a blogpost. I’d felt guilty not telling them the news that they’d have a new grandchild on the way, but I didn’t want to tell anybody until Malachy knew, and look where that had gotten me.
I scrolled through the pictures. I edited a few in Photoshop—cropping, adjusting the lighting, adding borders—when a knock came at the door. I looked through the window, not inherently surprised to find Malachy standing on the other side. He did have things at my place, and I knew he’d be back sooner or later to pick them up before he flew back home.
What I didn’t expect was for Padraig and Patrick to be with him, nor did I expect the two men to be carrying suitcases.
“H-hi?” I questioned, looking between the three of them for some sort of hint as to what was going on, and Malachy rolled his eyes.
“This is the part where ya let us in,” he instructed me. But when I was too stunned to move, he put down the bags he was carrying, and grasped my shoulders, moving me away from the door. “Come on,” he said to Pad and Patrick.
“What are you doing?” I asked as the three of them walked into my house.
“Just drop that shite here,” Malachy told Patrick, and his brother responded with a shake of his head as they put the suitcases down in the middle of my living room.
“Uh, excuse me?” I asked, raising my voice. “What the hell are you two doing?”
Patrick turned around and pointed to Malachy. “This was all his idea. I was just an innocent bystander, and got wrapped up in this shite. Now, can I go home, please? Kinsey’s been blowin’ up my phone with texts, askin’ where the hell I am.”
“Yeah, get out of here. I’ll talk to ya tomorrow,” Malachy grumbled, pinning his gaze to me and never wavering. “I need to deal with this one.”
Patrick bumped my shoulder as he walked past me to the door and lowered his mouth to my ear. “Good luck,” he whispered, and he was gone, closing the door behind him.
“Malachy, it’s midnight,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “I need to go to bed, and you need to … well, I don’t know what you need to do, but you’ve made it very clear you don’t want anything to do with me, so—”
“Okay, let’s get one thing straight right now. I never said that. What I said was, I was leavin’. I didn’t say ya weren’t ever hearin’ from me again,” he argued, holding up a finger.
“Whatever,” I said, and I took a step to leave the room, but he reached forward and grabbed my arm. “Come on, Malachy. I’m not even remotely prepared to handle this right now. Just … just please, tell me what you’re doing here.”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
I looked at the pile of suitcases and dog supplies, and sighed. “It looks like you’re cluttering my living room with your crap.”
“You’re quick to catch on,” he mumbled with a quirk of his mouth, his hand still on my arm.
“What? I don’t—” And I looked around the living room at all of his things. The things he’d kept at Collin and Helen’s house. All of Padraig’s belongings he’d brought from Ireland. I shook my head. “Wait, do you expect me to drive you to the airport?”
“Oh, feckin’ hell, Emma,” he groaned, sighing as he scratched the back of his neck. “No. This stuff here, it’s not leavin’.”
And then, it struck me, and my eyes watered. “You’re not leaving? You’re moving in?” I reached up to press my palms to his cheeks.
He sighed. “Well, I’m not sayin’ I’m never leavin’. There’s a lot of legal bullshite we need to deal with, and I don’t know yet how it all works. I might have to leave, for a little bit, while that gets settled. Plus, I need to sell me house and the pub, and I’m sure I could do that remotely easy enough, but I’d still need to pack me shite over there and—”
I launched myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. My face buried into his neck. “Oh, God,” I uttered, the words pushing from my mouth.
Malachy wrapped his arms around me and lowered his mouth to my ear, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry I ran out on ya. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m a feckin’ coward, and I’m not proud of it. But, when ya told me that you’re …”
“Pregnant,” I said, surprised to find myself smiling against his neck.
“Right. I gotta get used to sayin’ that,” and he squeezed me tighter. “When ya first told me, I was pissed, but then I was scared thinkin’ about all the ways I could completely ruin a kid of me own. I thought the best thing I could do was to leave.”
He lowered me back to my feet. “What made you change your mind?”
“Me father,” he said, and I knew he meant Collin. “We talked, and it made me realize that I don’t want me kid goin’ thirty-somethin’ years without even knowin’ I exist. Not that ya wouldn’t tell him or her about me, but …”
“I know what you mean,” I assured him, nodding and taking his hand. “So, just like that, you suddenly do relationships?”
He laughed, pulling me back toward him. “I gotta be honest with ya, m’darlin’. I think I signed meself up for this the moment I met ya on that feckin’ plane. Someone had to save your neurotic arse.”
I smiled, tipping my head back to look into his eyes. “And someone had to show you that you’re not alone.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX |
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING & WEDDING DRESSES
MALACHY
Two weeks later, I stood in the drive, along with my brothers, as I waited for Jared to drop off Hailey and Sarah. Emma was inside with Kinsey, Snow and Lindsey, all of them planning an epic Christmas shopping trip I couldn’t even pretend to find interest in.
“Are ya scared?” Sean asked, bumping my shoulder with his, and I laughed with my nod.
“Petrified,” I admitted. “I don’t think Sarah even knows I live here yet.”
“She’s ten, but she’s not an idiot,” Paddy said, shrugging. “What does she think ya were doin’ last week when they were here?”
I felt the heat in my cheeks. “I slept on the feckin’ couch,” I grumbled, and the group of us chuckled together.
“I just can’t understand why the two of ya think this is a good way to tell them,” Ryan said. “’Hey girls, I knocked your mother up and you’re gonna have a brother or sister next year, but don’t worry, because now you’re goin’ out Christmas shoppin’. Just don’t forget about all those dirty diapers you’re gonna—’” Paddy shoved against him and Ryan shoved back. “Feck off. I’m just jokin’ … kinda.”
I shrugged. “Emma thinks it’s a good way to soften the blow. I dunno. She’s the parent, not me.”
“You are a parent,” Paddy said, always the voice of wisdom. “You took to them the moment ya met them. Don’t try to lie about it.”
I laughed, because I wasn’t a liar, and I wasn’t going to try.
The sedan pulled up to the curb and Ryan grumbled, “That’s a douchebag car if I’ve ever seen one,” and I chuckled, shoving against his arm. “Christ, can everybody stop beatin’ on me? For feck’s sake …”
“I’m gonna know this guy for the rest of me life,” I reminded him. “Be nice.”
Jared got out of the driver’s seat and nodded a greeting at me before opening a backdoor. Sarah and Hailey jumped out of the car, running toward me, as their father grabbed their bags and walked over to us.
“Malachy!” Sarah exclaimed, wrapping her arms around my waist. “Are you coming shopping with us?” she asked, looking up at me with her doe-eyes.
“Nah, shoppin’ isn’t somethin’ I do much,” I replied with a smile, smoothing my hand over her soft brown hair.
“It’s shop-ping,” she emphasized.
“Isn’t that what I said?” I raised an eyebrow and stifled my laugh.
“No, you said—”
“God, Sarah, leave him alone,” Hailey said, rolling her eyes.
“Malachy,” Jared said, coming to stand next to his daughters and extending his free hand.
“Jared,” I responded.
In the weeks since Emma told me she was pregnant, and I moved in, Jared’s relationship with me had moved from something hostile to pleasantly amicable. I wasn’t sure we’d ever find ourselves friends, but who knows. Stranger and more unlikely things had happened to me before.
We shook, and as he let go of my hand and looked to the three men beside me, Jared laughed and asked, “So, is this the Connecticut chapter of the Irish mafia or something?”
“These are my brothers,” I said with a chuckle. “Patrick, Ryan and Sean.”
“Nice to meet you guys,” Jared said, shaking each of their hands before passing the girls’ bags over to me. “Anyway, I have to run and pick up Allison. You girls, don’t give your mom and Malachy a hard time,” and he gripped my shoulder and added, “Good luck, man.”
Hope to Fall (Kinney Brothers Book 4) Page 17