by Tessa Teevan
Her fingers tangle in my hair, her nails scratching softly. “Rafe.” My name is a soft whisper.
I look up to see her gazing down at me adoringly. “I can’t help it, Brie. It’s overwhelming.” Pure awe radiates from me. “I’m going to be a dad,” I whisper, saying it aloud for the first time.
Her returning smile is absolutely radiant. “You are. And I have a feeling you’re going to be a pretty amazing one.”
“I sure hope so.” I rise to my feet and take her hand, not letting go until we’ve hailed a cab and are on our way.
Excitement courses through my veins when the cab stops at our destination. I hurry her out and pay, anxious to begin our evening.
As Brie gazes upon the boat and sees the banner for Chicago Architecture Foundation River Cruise, her eyes fill with tears. My heart drops, and I panic, hoping I didn’t overstep my bounds by bringing her here.
She peers up at me through watery lashes. “How did you know?”
I give her a slight shake of my head, unsure of what she means. “Know? Know what?”
Her hand brushes a few tears away, leaving a smudge of mascara along her cheeks. I cup her face, using my thumb to rub it away.
“My dad and I did this every spring and every fall. We loved the way the differences in the placement of the sun changed the way you viewed each building. No matter how old I got, this was always a tradition of ours.” She lets out a small laugh. “I secretly think he wanted me to be an architect, but even though I love architecture and Impressionistic paintings, I don’t have an artistic or creative bone in my body. Still, it was fun. With Mom, I had Monet. With Dad, I had all of the Chicago skyline.”
As I peer down at her, I hope she sees the truth in my eyes. “Baby, I had no idea. It was something that caught my eye when I was planning our date. You once told me your dad was all about the old architecture, and I was hoping this would make you feel close to him. That, even though your parents aren’t here, we can create our own memories from the things you used to share with them. If I’m way off base, you can tell me, and we can go.”
“No!” she protests, gripping my arm. “This is absolutely perfect. And the fact that you came up with this all on your own because you wanted me to be close to them? It means the world to me. You, Rafe Matthews, mean the world to me.”
I can’t help the smile the breaks out on my face as I expel a deep sigh of relief. “I’m glad,” I tell her, bringing her fingers to my lips, where I give them a gentle kiss. “Are you ready?” I ask.
She smiles up at me, her eyes red and shining from her tears. “I’m finding that with you, I’m ready for anything.”
God, I hope I don’t let her down. I’m not sure I could live with myself if I do.
Even though I’ve been to Chicago multiple times in my adult life, I’ve never done one of the river cruises. I’d like to say I spent the whole time in awe over the brilliant architects who designed the city skyline, but the truth is that I can’t take my eyes off Brie. A few times, her eyes fill with tears, but she keeps it together as she narrates the entire ride for me. It’s obvious she’s done this many times, and I feel blessed she’s willing to share this with me.
Her slight intake of breath draws me out of my trance. When I look down, her eyes are wide and brimming with tears. I expect a lot of those on this trip. I glance up to see what’s caught her attention, and she catches me off guard when she grips my arm with her hands.
“Brie? What is it?” I ask, not seeing anything out of the ordinary.
“Dad’s office,” she says softly, almost as if she’s talking to herself. “Why didn’t I think of that?”
“What about his office? Did you remember something?”
She turns around and winces. “I’m sorry. We’re not supposed to talk about this tonight, right? I don’t want to talk about this tonight,” she amends. “It’ll keep until tomorrow.” She rises to her tip toes and places her silky, cool lips on mine. “This has been perfect so far. I never thought I’d be back here. I thought it would be hard, you know? Bringing all of our old memories to the surface. And it has done that, but rather than being painful, I’m at ease. There’s this unexpected sense of peace being here, in the place where I was loved the most. Something about it just feels right. Does that make sense?”
A tidal wave of emotion causes my throat to constrict as I try to find the proper words to respond. While she may feel at peace, I can still detect the hint of sadness in her voice. Almost as if she’s unsure if she’ll ever be loved that way again. I wish I could stop being a coward and just say the words out loud. And suddenly, I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t.
I know how I feel. She herself said that it was unconventional, but that doesn’t make it any less real. I almost lost her once without telling her. I’m not letting that happen again.
“Rafe?”
Brie’s back is to the rails now. My arms are on either side of her, locking her in. Her long, brown hair whips with the wind, and as the sun sets behind her, I couldn’t ask for a more perfect setting.
“No, Brie, you’re wrong,” I tell her.
She frowns up at me. Her lips turn down in a cute pout, her eyes widening slightly as if she can’t believe I just said that.
“Chicago isn’t where you were loved the most. It’s where you are loved the most.”
The sound of her sharp intake of breath is nearly masked by the calls of seagulls passing over the boat, but I still hear it. Loud and fucking clear. She wasn’t expecting that. Hell, I wasn’t expecting to say it. I figured it’d come out sooner or later. Just not this soon. Not in this setting. But I can’t stop myself now that I’ve started.
“What are you saying, Rafe?” she asks slowly and deliberately, as if she’s trying to work this out in her brain. Her hair flies in her face, covering her eyes.
I push her hair behind her ear then cup her face. She tilts into it, blinking as she gazes up at me. Leaning down, I give her a slow, lingering kiss as a precursor to my most intimate confession. Words I’ve never said to a woman before, but words I mean with all of my heart.
As I pull back, my eyes bore into hers. “What I’m saying, Brie, is that you’ll never have to be alone again. As much as I’d love to, I can’t bring your family back. But I can help you start a new one.”
“Rafe, just because I’m preg—”
I cut her off with a forceful kiss. “I’m not saying any of this because you’re pregnant, Brie. I was ready to say it the night you were set to move in. I just wasn’t sure you were ready.”
“I’m ready,” she whispers. “Rafe, I am.”
The left side of my mouth lifts up in a smirk. My heart is pounding, but somehow, it’s also lighter than it’s ever been. Here goes nothing.
“I love you, Brie. I think I always have. It may sound crazy, but when I met you, it was as if my heart recognized its perfect match. I was helpless to stop it. I started falling that day, and I’ve only fallen harder and further ever since. I’m in love with you, and when I see my future, all I see if you.”
“Oh my God,” she whispers as her eyes fill with tears. They search mine, whipping back and forth as she processes my admission.
My heart leaps when I see the acceptance in her eyes.
“It’s true. You really do love me,” she says.
“I do.”
I barely get the two words out before she jumps into my arms, wrapping hers around my neck as she presses her lips to mine. She kisses my lips, my cheeks, and nearly every inch of my face she can reach. When she finally calms down, she has tears running down her cheeks. She wipes them away then laughs.
“I swear, all I do is cry anymore,” she quips.
I help her brush the tears away. “I hope these are at least happy tears.”
“Oh, God, yes. Of course they are! Rafe, all you’ve done since the day we met is make me happy. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I owe it all to you. There’s no one else on the planet I’d rather start a famil
y with.”
I try not to notice that she hasn’t returned my admission, and I tell myself that it’s okay. She cares deeply about me, but fuck if I don’t want to hear it.
Looking up, I swallow hard and pretend to be engrossed with the bridge we’re about to go under. Her hands loosen around my neck and come down to cup my face.
“Rafe, look at me,” she orders gently.
I do. She’s smiling up at me—it’s the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. It takes my breath away, and I no longer need her words. She’s saying it all with how she’s looking at me.
“I love you. I’m so in love with you that, when you’re around, I can’t think straight. I may not have known it at the time, but when you walked through that door, my whole world changed. There’s so much bad going on around us, but with you, I don’t care. None of it matters, because at the end of the day, I have you, I have our child, and that’s all I need. You…You are all I will ever need.”
My hands cover hers. “I love you,” I whisper.
“I love you, too. So much. And thank you. For telling me, I mean.” She laughs and sniffs.
“I would’ve told you sooner, but…” I trail off.
“I was busy getting kidnapped,” she chimes in.
“Not tonight. No talking about that. Now, let’s enjoy the rest of the night. Sound good?”
“That sounds perfect.”
THERE’S A REASON I haven’t returned to Chicago since I graduated from Northwestern. It was hard enough to finish school being alone in the world. That was the one thing my parents never made me feel—alone. They both, like me, had been only children, and over the course of my childhood, they had lost their parents at a young age. I guess we were all destined for the same thing. The thought sends a ripple of anguish through me, and as I look up at Rafe, I pray that our child doesn’t experience the same.
All of this time, I thought the city would bring me nothing but heartbreak. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Being here with him couldn’t be more right. And as we sail along the Chicago River, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.
From the beginning, things with Rafe and me have been intense. Staggering. They’ve gone full speed ahead, with no prayer of stopping it.
And when I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. Would he want to stay with me because of the baby? Would it only be because of the baby?
But as he held my face and looked into my eyes, I knew the truth. He whispered those three little words that suddenly weren’t so little anymore.
“I love you.”
I’ve never heard truer words ever spoken.
Which is why I was confident enough to listen to my heart, open it up, and fully let him in, telling him in no uncertain words that I feel the same way. It’s probably too soon for a normal relationship, let alone one like the rollercoaster Rafe and I have been on for the past few months. But we’re anything but conventional, and as soon as I said those words, the smile on his face told me all I needed to know. This isn’t fake or opportunistic like Adrian’s love was. This is real. This is true. And for the first time in my life, I’m experiencing love the way every woman should.
“Well, what’s next?” I ask as we leave the boat. “So far, so good, Matthews.”
“I was thinking, since we’re in your city, you’d plan the rest of the date,” he responds, looking down at me with lifted eyebrows.
My mind races as I think of all the things in Chicago I want to share with him, and I have no idea where to start. Then I think of the one thing I’ve never done.
I give him a playful punch to the shoulder. “One of these days, you’re going to have to plan a full date, just not the beginning.”
His hand squeezes my waist. “Brie, I was kidding.” He twists his wrist to look at his watch. “I have it all planned, but we have about an hour to kill before dinner. So, if there is something you want to do, now’s the time.”
I tap my index finger on my chin, knowing that, as soon as I say it, I can’t take it back.
Rafe peers down at me curiously. “What is it, Brie?”
Releasing a heavy sigh, I flick my eyes across the way towards Navy Pier. “Living in Chicago all of these years, I’ve done just about every touristy thing you can thing. Except ride the Navy Pier Ferris wheel.”
“You haven’t?” His eyes widen with surprise.
I shake my head and grimace at the massive structure off in the distance. “I’m terrified of heights,” I admit.
“But you did fine on the plane,” he says, cocking his head and studying me.
“That’s different. I don’t know why. It just is. The thought of getting on that ride and having it spin round and round, rising and descending over the lake, scares the crap out of me.”
“Then we won’t do it.”
Okay, it’s now or never. I muster up enough confidence and set my shoulders. “I want to. I want to ride the Ferris wheel with you. To conquer that fear. It might be silly, but it’s just something I want to do.”
He rubs a hand over his stubbled jaw. “Are you sure?”
“Just promise to hold my hand and, no matter how hard I squeeze, you won’t let go.”
I shriek when he spins us around and presses me up against the side of a building. The brick bites into my lower back as his head bows, his eyes finding mine. They’re intense, paralyzing, and I hold my breath.
“I’ll never let go.”
Before I can respond, he pushes back and hauls me by my waist as he makes his way to the edge of the sidewalk, hailing a taxi. All I can think is that I pray he never does let me go.
I’m not sure I’d survive the devastation.
“I don’t know about this,” I whisper, clutching Rafe’s arm with both hands. Not only are the heights terrifying enough, but the wind is whipping my hair and I swear the gondola is moving even though the ride hasn’t even started. Closing my eyes, I curse my momentary courage for allowing me to suggest this lunacy.
Rafe reassuringly squeezes my knee as he kisses the top of my head. “It’ll be fine. I promise.”
I tilt my head to look up at him. “You can’t promise that. What if there’s mechanical failure? Or, somewhere, a screw comes unleashed and the wheel starts rolling towards the lake?”
“Okay, Brie, that’s some Final Destination stuff, and I can assure you that’s not going to happen. Mechanical failure, maybe, but that just means we’ll be stuck until it’s fixed. Think of how romantic it could be. What we could do. It’d give a whole new meaning to the phrase, ‘don’t come knockin’ if you see it rockin’.”
He lets out a barking laugh as I pinch his arm.
“Not funny!” I exclaim. “Not only would that be exhibitionism, but with my luck, I’d rock us right out of here.”
“True. You are pretty feisty when I get you naked.”
I groan and hold him tighter as the ride jerks and starts moving slowly. Then I shut my eyes, not wanting to watch. “Talk to me. Talk to me before I start freaking out.”
His free hand traces my lower lip, which is trembling out of fear. “Open them,” he coaxes, and somehow the soothing tone of his voice has me obeying. When they open, my eyes don’t leave his. I can’t see how high we are. I just can’t.
“My mom’s going to love you,” he says, taking me aback. Of all the things to talk about, that wasn’t what I expected.
My cheeks flush. “Do you think so?”
“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t. I haven’t brought a woman home to my parents since high school. And since those relationships never had a chance of lasting, I’m not sure they count.”
“Tell me about them. Your parents.”
He smiles softly. “They were the best parents I could’ve asked for. I miss them. I don’t get home nearly as often as I should.”
I hear the pain in his voice, and I wonder just how much of a toll being undercover has taken on not only him, but his family life and his relationships with his parents. And what kind of to
ll is it going to take on us? I’ll bring that up at a much, much later date.
As Rafe tells me about his parents and his childhood, I close my eyes and get lost in the stories. I become more eager than ever to meet them. My heart lifts, because if they loved their son that much, they'll love their grandchild the same. Suddenly, I can’t wait to meet them. Visions of Rafe and a little boy with his stunning blue eyes flash through my mind. Then, I smile as another vision of a little dark-haired girl grinning, knowing she has her daddy wrapped around her tiny fingers. The idea of having a family warms my heart, and even though I hadn’t planned this pregnancy, I’m so grateful for this gift that Rafe has given me.
I’m so entranced in thoughts of onesies and the sweet scent of baby skin that I don’t even realize the ride has stopped. So have Rafe’s stories. His hand cups my cheek, and my breathing turns shallow.
“Open your eyes, Brie.”
I shake my head. “I can’t. I know we’re at the top, and I’ll freak out.”
“Yes, you can.” His voice is gentle yet firm. A complete contradiction.
And I find myself actually wanting to open them.
“I won’t let anything happen to you. You are safe. I promise.”
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. The mantra repeats over and over in my head and before I know it, I’m peeking one eye open. Then the other.
I gasp as I realize just how high up we are, but even more than that, I’m in awe at the sight before me. It’s the Chicago skyline as I’ve never seen it before. It’s absolutely breathtaking, and as I cling to Rafe, I turn my head and take it all in.
“It’s beautiful,” I whisper, not allowing my eyes to look down.
“See? I knew you could do it,” he says, pride in his voice.
I tilt my head to peer at him. “It’s only because you’re here. You gave me the courage to do it.”
He shakes his head. “No, Brie. You did this all on your own. It’s time you start realizing the strength you have in here,” he says, placing a hand over my heart. “I wish you could see yourself the way that I do. You didn’t need him. You don’t need me. You just need to remember who you are. Who you’ve always been.”