Chapter Four
“Ruben?” Anabel’s surprised voice warms me from down the phone line.
“Anabel. It’s good to speak to you, babe.”
“Are you okay?” I know she’s surprised to hear from me, even if I can’t see her face. When I need something, or when I call to check in or catch up, it’s always through Danny. Although, with her appeasing voice, I’m thinking I should make more time for chats with her.
“I’m downtown. On 54th Street. At Famous Eds,” I tell her and wait.
“What! Ruben, I thought you’d gotten stronger. If you were still struggling, you should’ve stayed at our place for longer. You know you’re always welcome here, with us. Why did you have to go to a bar the first week you move back into your apartment?” She’s annoyed, I can hear it, but she’s not shouting at me. No. It’s worse than that. It’s disappointment I hear in her tone.
“Anabel. I haven’t had a drink,” I tell her soberly.
“W-what? Really?” she asks.
“Yeah. I tried something. Didn’t work out. Had a hard time and ended up here. I pulled my shit together at the last minute and ordered a coke. But Anabel, I could use a weekend at your place. Can I come up?” I ask.
“Of course! What did I just say to you, Asher?”
She used my surname, she only does that when she’s pissed.
I bite the inside of my mouth, so I don’t chuckle.
“You know Danny’s away this weekend, though, right?” she asks.
“Yeah. I figured you could use some company. With two girls and being pregnant and all.” I chuckle now.
“I’m perfectly capable, I’m not an invalid you know!” she snaps and I chuckle some more, before becoming serious.
“Anabel. I could use some time with you actually. I want to talk through some issues. Amanda related.” I manage to force the words out.
“Oh. Of course. Come down tonight, okay? I’ll make mac and cheese,” she tells me and I can almost hear my stomach growl. Anabel’s mac and cheese is fucking amazing.
“Be there in a couple of hours, babe. I’ll call Danny, give him the heads up too,” I say to her before disconnecting. I pull my hand down my face, feeling it in my gut. For once I’m doing the right thing. I’m trying to be better… for myself this time. With just that thought, a weight lifts and I know I’m going to feel complete again.
A few hours later, I’m at Danny’s. I’ve spent the last hour chucking the girls around and chasing them through the rooms. Danny better hope this next baby is a little dude because these women know how to wrap a guy around their finger. He’s fucked. I stopped playing when Anabel shouted at me. Something about it being their bath and bedtime, and they didn’t need to be riled up. I couldn’t help smirking, which didn’t help the situation.
Making my way outside, grabbing a bottle of water as I go, Anabel has a whole relaxation area set up out here. Soft outdoor sofas surround a low table, there’s decking to one side with a huge grill and counter next to it. A fridge sits underneath with drinks. It only has soda and bottles of water in there, though. Ever since I came out of rehab, Danny and Anabel have lived without alcohol too. They try to tell me it’s because she’s pregnant, but even when she wasn’t, they cleared every bit of my poison from their lives. It’s an act I’m immensely grateful for. Across to the far side of the garden is a small wall which has a gate, which stops anyone from going in. Behind that wall is a telescope. Also, behind that wall, is something I try to avoid when I visit. I sink into the sofa, not quite able to pull my eyes from the stars.
“It’s peaceful out here tonight. Don’t you think?” Anabel asks, settling herself next to me. I say nothing and just nod my response. “Do you still talk to her?” she asks, diving right in. Sometimes I think Anabel knows me better than Danny. It might be the maternal female in her, or it could be that she was Amanda’s best friend. Soul mates they used to call themselves. If that’s true, then Anabel knows Amanda’s soul like no other, which would explain how she can know me so well.
“Yeah.” My answer is short.
“Every day?” she shoots back.
I swallow, not wanting to answer truthfully, but knowing I have to. “No. Do you?”
“Yeah.” She sighs and I hang my head. “It’s okay, you know.”
“What?” I say to my boots.
“Not talking to her every day.” I don’t answer, as I’m not sure I agree. “You know, we talked, Amanda and me about you before she died. I’ve told you before. She didn’t want you stuck in the past. She wanted you to have a future. Think, if it were the other way around, you wouldn’t want her to live like this, right?”
“I’m not stuck in the past, I—”
“Bullshit,” she snaps jumping up. Anabel rarely uses profanities, so when she does, people take notice. My body jerks at her angry tone, but I don’t move. “Don’t try and kid a fucking kidder. I’ve lived in my past for over ten years, Ruben. Ten fucking years! Now that’s exactly what you’re doing. Blaming everything else for the reason you’re the way you are. Telling yourself everything is good because you gave up drinking. But that’s not everything, it’s not the only demon you have. If you continue to live like this, a half existence, then you might as well still be drinking. At least then, you’d be numb, and maybe you’d move on to the next life sooner. That’s what you want isn’t it? To die? To be one of the stars? Up there next to her?”
She stands in front of me panting, and I stare up at her. Poking her finger in my face, she continues tearing me a new one. “Because if it’s not, then you need to pull your head out of your ass and start rebuilding your life. Have fun, go back to work. Love someone new.” My mouth drops open at the last statement. “What? You think you should be single forever? You think that’s what she’d want?”
“No. It’s not that,” I reply, my voice scratchy.
“Then what?”
I know I need to be honest, and that I came here to Anabel for a reason. “I’m not sure I can be with someone new.”
“Of course, you can. It just needs to be the right person.” Her words have become soft, and my mind jumps to a pretty tanned face, with bright blue eyes and shiny dark hair. I shake my head, trying to rid myself of Laurie’s image.
“I went back to the community center and saw Laurie.” Internally, I junk punch myself. Not sure when my mouth stopped following orders and ran away with itself.
Anabel smirks. “How is she?” she asks, sitting back down next to me.
“I-I don’t know, I walked out,” I admit.
“What? Why?” she questions and I shake my head, not really sure why I do anything anymore. “Are you going back?”
“I’m not sure,” I reply. She opens her mouth to speak, but I get there first. “Listen. I’m not trying to be awkward. I’m just not convinced that those types of groups are any good for me,” I explain.
“Well, can’t you ask her for some one-on-one help?”
I think back to Laurie’s offer, to meet me in the coffee room. Maybe she was going to extend her help to outside of the course, but I didn’t give her the chance.
“I feel like everything I do is a betrayal of Amanda,” I say the words on an exhale, it’s a release, finally saying the truth out loud.
“Why would you ever think that?” Anabel asks, leaning forward and taking my hand.
“Because I’m alive and she’s not. Because I get to carry on. Because I told her, I’d only ever love her,” I say the last part and my shoulders sag.
“Hey…” Anabel nudges my arm and I look back to her, “…you said that to her and what did she say back?” My body stills at her question and I turn my head away. “Tell me,” she demands.
Growling, I reply, “She said I was a douche.” Anabel snorts with laughter. “She said that I have a lot of love to give. That I proved myself to be an amazing boyfriend. She said—”
“What?” Anabel encourages.
“She said I need to be a father someday. That I�
�d be awesome at it, but that I had to be one hundred percent in love with the woman who was to carry my children. Because it was only fair that every child should have the best start possible. Being in love with their mom was a must. Amanda said I’d had a couple of months with her, the fact that she was…” I swallow back the boulder edging its way up my throat, “…the fact that she was dying made me feel more. For the record, I don’t see how that’s fucking possible.”
“What else?” Anabel asks and I wonder how the fuck she knows that more was said.
“She told me that I should love again. Find someone special, and love her like I’d never loved anyone. Not even her. Amanda said she taught me how to love, and she’d always be proud of being able to give that to me. But now… it was my time to go find a woman who was everything I need.” I stop talking and glance to the stars. “It’s all fucking female bullshit anyway.”
Anabel stands up. “I’m going to bed. The kids, plus being pregnant make me sleepy.”
I nod but say nothing else. Unsure what to say, since the conversation has changed so dramatically with no warning.
She starts to walk away then stops. “For what it’s worth, Ruben. Female bullshit or not, I agree with her. I did then, and now she’s gone… I still agree. You just need to let everything go. She’s gone, but she was always wise. What she said, those were words from her heart. She said them because once she was gone she wanted you to be free. Allow yourself to be free. If you need answers, do what I do. Talk to the stars, ask her for the rain.” She smiles at me before walking away.
It’s been years since I’ve spoken to the stars, and I’m not about to start now. I just sit and stare at nothing, wanting to think about Amanda. But the images in my mind keep changing back and forth from her to Laurie. It’s not what I want. I don’t want to forget Amanda. Shaking my head, I stand and turn to face the house. Everything’s in darkness now, except one outside light. As I walk back, I feel the first few drops of rain and it feels like burning against my skin.
Chapter Five
The tap on my shoulder makes me jump. Spinning around I see Sarah’s mouth moving, but with Amber’s iPod in my ears and Linkin Park blaring, I have no idea what she’s saying. I put the bucket and cloth down and pull my earphones out.
“Sorry, what did you say?” I ask.
“There’s a guy downstairs for you,” she tells me. I notice her cheeks are red and she’s puffing slightly, with a sheen of sweat across her brow she’s obviously run up the stairs at pace.
I wonder what the rush was for?
“Who?” I ask confused. I’m not expecting anyone. I’m never expecting anyone unless it’s Amber, but she doesn’t introduce herself seeing as she knows everyone here. I rarely have any of the people from my sessions come visit me outside of the weekly meetings.
“I have no idea. But girl, let me tell you, I wish I did. That fine ass down there’s looking like he needs some good lovin’. All broody, sexy and chiseled. Oh my God! I ain’t never seen a man look like that, except on the covers of magazines. And he smells so damn good, too,” she tells me fanning herself.
“I’m sure Jim would be delighted to hear you say all that,” I reply with a smirk.
“Pfft. Jim can have his free pass with Halle Berry if I can have a pass with that tall glass of hot spicy rum down there.” I laugh at her, then pull my gloves off, leaving them next to the cleaning stuff. “I’ll carry on with these windows until you’re done,” Sarah tells me before I walk away.
“You don’t have to do that,” I reply.
“Oh, I know, but this way I’ll be the first to get all the gossip about sex on a stick downstairs.”
“Can you possibly come up with anything to give more of an impression you think the guy downstairs is hot?” I ask smirking.
“Yeah. But I want to know what the deal is. So get and find out. Go on, get.” She shoos me away and I grin.
Heading downstairs, when I round the last set of stairs, I see him. Ruben Asher. His back is toward me, his body strung tight. I’d know that man anywhere.
“Ruben.” I catch my breath, almost unaware that the word was going to pop out of my mouth.
His body jolts, like he forgot what he was here for and that he asked to see me. He turns to look at me, his face blank and his chiseled jaw—that Sarah was talking about only moments before—is set. The short hairs across the lower half of his face, along with the dark blond hair that curls at his neck, give him the rugged look. He pins me with his steely gray eyes as I come to a stop at the bottom of the stairs.
“Laurie.” My name on his lips sounds like a promise. I’m just not sure what he’s promising me. “I’m sorry if I’m interrupting.”
I don’t answer him, waiting to see what he’ll say. We stand in this weird trance, taking in every detail about each other. Like we’re breathing each other in, like that will make us understand what the other wants, or what the other needs. We’re in a bubble. In another existence to everyone else, a little ball of glass, until someone walks in the front door and that ball shatters. It’s a sharp reminder not to allow myself to get carried away.
“This was probably not a good idea anyway,” he says, before turning to walk away. Again.
“What did you come here for?” I ask quickly, eagerly.
His stride stops and he drops his head. “I’m not really sure. Nothing. Everything.” I can hear the pain in every word.
“Look, I’m finished working now,” I lie. “Give me two minutes to grab my purse and we can take a walk if you want?” He doesn’t say anything, just nods. “Okay, I’ll be back. Don’t leave this time. Please,” I whisper but don’t wait for his reply. Instead, turning and scrambling up the stairs.
“Tell me everything,” Sarah demands as I arrive back to my station.
“I can’t, he’s here, but he’s not really. Sorry, I can’t explain right now. I’m going to go for a walk with him. If I don’t get down there now, I think he might run, he’s done it before.” I stop and shake my head absentmindedly. “He’s a flight risk,” I mutter. Sarah looks at me like I’m crazy. Having never told her about Ruben it’s not surprising she’d think that. “Listen, if you could put this stuff away for me, I’ll finish the cleaning later. Pretty please?” I almost beg, desperate to get back downstairs before he leaves. Sarah just nods her head confused. I grab her hands in mine, giving them a squeeze, then run toward the stairs.
“I want all those details later,” she shouts after me.
I’m almost shocked when I get to the bottom and Ruben’s still there, waiting for me. “Come on,” I tell him opening the door.
“Do you want a coat? It’s cold out.”
I look down at my body. “I-I don’t have a coat,” I reply, embarrassed.
“You left it at home?” he asks.
I shrug, not wanting to go down this route. I rarely tell anyone outside of my group anything about me. Sarah and Derick–my managers–are the only people who really know my situation. Ruben doesn’t say anything and I don’t look at his face, not wanting to read what he’s thinking.
“You want to grab a coffee?” he asks and I open my mouth, not sure how to say no when he continues, “My treat. I came to you, the least I can do is buy you a coffee.” I nod my head and hope like hell he doesn’t see me as a charity case. I’m not too proud, if I were I’d be dead by now. At the same time, I don’t want to seem like I mooch off people. It’s a fine line to tread, and I’m constantly balancing trying to keep control.
Ruben leads us into a local coffee house and guides me to a table. “What do you want?” he asks as I take my seat.
“Just a flat white please.” Nodding, he moves to the counter.
Looking around the place, I see there are only a few customers apart from us. All of them look like they’re aren’t there through choice, but trying to stay out of the cold. Each one of them huddled around a cup like it’s going to keep them from their reality. I know that look, I’ve lived that look.
/> “Here,” Ruben says, placing a cup in front of me.
I take in his clothes. Despite the rugged look, it’s obvious his clothes are designer. Sharp, dry clean only type of material. He’s out of place here. He always was.
“I know you don’t live around here, you weren’t just passing. So can I ask—”
Before I finish his eyes move from his cup to meet mine and he finishes my sentence. “What I’m doing here?” I nod but say nothing. “I don’t really know. Well, that’s not strictly true. I wanted to apologize for leaving the other day.” He looks away as if embarrassed.
“That’s okay,” I reply gently.
“No, it’s more than that. I need to apologize for my behavior… in the past.”
I suck in a breath at his words. He must hear me because his eyebrows pull inward, concern crossing his model-like features. “I’m not entirely sure I remember every way that I behaved badly, I just know I did. A lot. It was unfair and uncalled for. I know you were trying to help me back then. I should never have taken out my pain on you.” He looks at me and once again I’m trapped. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, although I’m not quite sure he’s saying it to me.
“You said that already,” I whisper back. His eyes leave mine and he looks down to his cup. “Ruben, is that the only reason you came back?” I ask. Even as the words leave my mouth, I’m not sure that I want to know the answer. Hell, I don’t know why I even asked it. His truths could be my truths. Since he left last time, I’ve built my walls up higher, learned how to shut everything and nearly everyone off. I don’t want to live like this, afraid of everything. I just don’t know any other way to be. Everything seems to slow down as Ruben’s muscle jumps in his jaw. He seems to be having some kind of internal struggle.
“I’m not sure exactly. I just needed to see you, Laurie,” he answers.
I feel off balance as my world stops, breaks open, and for the first time in what feels like forever… a light shines through.
What's Left of Me (Finally Unbroken Book 2) Page 3