Leaving the Parsonage, Darcy momentarily did not know where he was; this was a nightmare from which he must awake. Elizabeth! He wanted to scream her name; a knife through his heart would have been less painful; at least, from the stab wound he would die; living without Elizabeth’s love would haunt him for the rest of his life. The last man whom I could ever be prevailed upon to marry—those were her words! She always hated him. Darcy thought of the many women he thwarted or ignored; he knew the slightest nod of his head would secure their attentions, but the one woman he desired found him to be arrogant and conceited. The memory of the last few months recoiled and bounded forward into an empty vault.
His gait drove him toward Rosings; surprisingly, his legs worked even though his heart lay shredded by Elizabeth’s words. If you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner. Darcy ran his hand through his hair and tried valiantly to steady himself. He totally lost his perspective. Nearly staggering up the stairs, he made his apologies to his aunt and retreated to the sanctuary of his chambers.
CHAPTER 9
“I do comprehend a great deal.”
Elizabeth! Her name echoed through his head; disbelief, anger, and empathy fought for control of his emotions. As a man, he must answer the charges she laid before him, but the prospect of seeing the contempt in her eyes again was not something he could do. Then how? How could he respond to her attacks? He would write her an explanation; Darcy would tell her what his resentment and dismay would not allow. He realized addressing Elizabeth’s sentiments about Bingley and her sister would be easily portrayed as an innocent misunderstanding, but what of those of Wickham? He must share Georgiana’s shame. Wickham poisoned Elizabeth’s mind against him; he had to trust her with the knowledge of his sister’s near indiscretion in order to clear his own name.
Darcy paced the room, trying to compose his mind before taking up the quill. He would maintain a formality and choose his words carefully. Lashing out at Elizabeth’s words would lessen her chances of reading his missive; he spent several hours selecting the right words—ones which would encourage her to read the entire letter and maybe be less repulsed by his attentions to her. Darcy had no illusions such a letter might restore Elizabeth to him; he knew he lost her forever, but he could not, even now, have her in the world and thinking poorly of him.
Be not alarmed, Madam, on receiving this letter, by the apprehension of its containing any repetition of those sentiments or renewal of those offers which were last night so disgusting to you.
She could never be prevailed on to marry him.The words haunted his memory each time he closed his eyes. Leaning back in the chair, he forced himself to swallow the bile-like anguish invading his chest.
I write without any intention of paining you, or humbling myself. The effort which the formation and the perusal of this letter must occasion, should have been spared had not my character required it to be written and read.You must, therefore, pardon the freedom with which I demand your attention; your feelings, I know, will bestow it unwillingly, but I demand it of your justice.Two offenses of a very different nature were last night laid to my charge.The first was that, regardless of the sentiments of either, I detached Mr. Bingley from your sister, and the other that in defiance of various claims, ruined the immediate prosperity and blasted the prospects of Mr. Wickham. It is my wish with this letter to offer you some explanation and, therefore, be in the future secured.
I had not been long in Hertfordshire before I saw, in common with others, that Bingley preferred your elder sister to any other young woman in the country. But it was not till the evening of the dance at Netherfield that I had any apprehension of his feeling a serious attachment. I had often seen him in love before.At that ball, while I had the honor of dancing with you, I was first made acquainted by Sir William Lucas’s accidental information, that Bingley’s attentions to your sister had given rise to a general expectation of their marriage. From that moment, I observed my friend’s behavior attentively; and I could then perceive his partiality for Miss Bennet was beyond what I had ever witnessed in him.Your sister I also watched. Her looks and manners were open, cheerful, and engaging as ever, but without any symptom of peculiar regard and I remained convinced from the evening’s scrutiny, that though she received his attentions with pleasure, she did not invite them by any participation of sentiment. I did not believe her to be indifferent because I wished it; I believed it on impartial conviction, as truly as I wished it in reason.
How could Darcy say what he must next convey without hurting Elizabeth? Even after all her vehemence, he could not bear to see her in distress. How could he explain his objections to Elizabeth’s family applied to Bingley, as well as himself; yet, he distanced himself from the Bennets’ improprieties? Darcy could not explain his objections to her connections because in retrospect, they made little sense to him.The Bennets’ vulgarity appalled Darcy when he came face-to-face with it; he easily acknowledged his objections then because he had not allowed himself to love Elizabeth at that time; now those exceptions paled in review. If he allowed himself to love Elizabeth, why could not Jane Bennet reciprocate Bingley’s affections?My objections to the marriage were not merely those which I last night acknowledged, although the want of connection could not be so great an evil to my friend as to me.The situation of your mother’s family, though objectionable, was nothing in comparison to that total want of propriety so frequently, so almost uniformly betrayed by herself, by your three younger sisters, and occasionally even by your father.
Darcy explained his criticism did not apply to Elizabeth or to her elder sister. He told of observing the Bennets and Mr. Collins at Netherfield and how he and Bingley’s sisters separated Bingley from Miss Bennet. He would like to place his actions as being aboveboard, but if Elizabeth’s evaluations were true, he wronged Miss Bennet. However, Darcy made few ill decisions and had an innate reluctance to admit such a shortcoming. So, with some trepidation, he continued his letter.
Upon reflection, my motives for trying to spare Bingley I would take up again as a way to protect my friend, but there are two parts of the situation of which I feel dissatisfaction.While protecting Charles, I duplicitously lied to him about your sister’s visit to London. I knew she was in town, and I did not share that information with him. Neither Miss Bingley nor I told him, and he is currently ignorant of the fact. If I have wounded your sister’s feelings, it was unknowingly done; and though the motives which governed me may to you very naturally appear insufficient, I have not yet learnt to condemn them.
Maybe he should change that last sentence and show more humility; of course, if he crossed out the idea, it would emphasize it; he hoped to convey that although he may have erred, Darcy did so in the service of a friend, and in so doing, he could find no real fault with his actions. Now, he faced the daunting task of addressing Elizabeth’s opinion of George Wickham. Darcy knew he could trust Elizabeth with the truth, but relating the pain of Mr. Wickham’s deceit filled him with regret—regret of failing his sister and, ultimately, failing the trust of his father.
With respect to that other, more weighty accusation, of having injured Mr. Wickham, I can only refute it by laying before you the whole of his connection with my family. Mr. Wickham is the son of a very respectable man, who had for many years the management of all the Pemberley estates. My father supported Mr.Wickham at school, and afterward at Cambridge.
Darcy’s letter relayed how his honorable father had the highest opinion of Mr.Wickham although Darcy himself knew otherwise. He never betrayed Mr.Wickham to his father, and Mr. Darcy died thinking well of George Wickham and intended to provide the man with a living in the clergy.Trying to fulfill his father’s wishes, Darcy offered Wickham the living as soon as it became vacant. He worded the next passage most carefully; he felt anger at Wickham’s betrayal and jealousy that Wickham earned Elizabeth’s acceptance when he could not. His words told of Wickham’s refusing the living upon his own father’s passing and of his lie about a wish to study law.Wickham acce
pted three thousand pounds and gave up all claims to assistance in the church.
All connection between us seemed now dissolved. In town I believe he chiefly lived, free of all restraint, his life was a life of idleness and dissipation. Upon hearing the living had once more become available, Mr.Wickham wrote to me applying for the presentation. He assumed to play on my dear’s father’s name.
Darcy confided to Elizabeth how he chose to refuse Mr. Wickham’s request, knowing him to be a man of discredit. He shared the depth of Wickham’s abuse of the Darcy name and his revengeful vow. It now came time to share Georgiana’s story with Elizabeth. This part would be more difficult to write because it involved someone innocent.
But last summer he was again most painfully obtruded on my notice. I must now mention a circumstance which I would wish to forget myself. Having said thus much, I feel no doubt of your secrecy. My sister, who is more than ten years my junior, was left to the guardianship of my mother’s nephew, Colonel Fitzwilliam, and myself. About a year ago she was taken from school to Ramsgate; and thither also went Mr. Wickham, undoubtedly by design; for there proved to have been a prior acquaintance between him and Mrs.Younge, my sister’s companion, in whose character we were most unhappily deceived. Georgiana was persuaded to believe herself in love with the man and to consent to an elopement. She was then but fifteen.
Darcy recounted how he discovered Mr.Wickham’s duplicity and how Georgiana grieved for offending a brother to whom she looked up to as a father. She also pined for what she perceived as lost love. Mrs. Younge was dismissed at once, and Mr. Wickham, having been foiled in his plans, left the place with haste.
Mr.Wickham’s chief object was unquestionably my sister’s fortune, which is thirty thousand pounds; but I cannot help supposing that the hope of revenging himself on me was a strong inducement. His revenge would have been complete indeed. This, Madam, is a faithful narrative of every event in which we have been concerned together; and if you do not absolutely reject it as false, you will, I hope, acquit me henceforth of cruelty toward Mr.Wickham.
Darcy finished the letter by excusing Elizabeth for being fooled by Wickham’s falsehoods. He offered Colonel Fitzwilliam as a witness to the truth of his plea. He would ask his cousin to confide in Elizabeth his knowledge of the events if she so wished. He finished with,I shall endeavor to find some opportunity of putting this letter in your hands in the course of the morning. I will only add, God bless you.
Fitzwilliam Darcy
It was over; he did all he could do to change Elizabeth’s opinion of his worth. He would return to London and then to Pemberley, and he would try to get on with his life without the hope of earning Elizabeth’s love. The depth of his sorrow he would mask in reticence and a perverse hauteur. Now the middle of the night, Darcy’s actions exhausted him; howbeit pale and although he tried to convince himself he neither sought nor deserved pity, tears welled in his eyes as he reached to put out the candle. Sometime during the next few hours, he stumbled to the bed and sprawled in despair upon it. Sleep came slowly; abhorring the self-indulgence of his loss, he summoned defiance and accepted blame.
The light of a new day streamed in through the window as Darcy dressed; he wrote Elizabeth three pages in a very close hand and sealed it with the Darcy insignia; now he must see her one last time and implore Elizabeth to read it through. He hoped she would stay with her routine and choose to walk her favorite path. Darcy waited along a section of the trail where he might espy Elizabeth before she knew he was there. After a wait of five and thirty minutes, he saw her approach. Darcy’s heart leapt from his chest when she hesitated at seeing him there, but he steadied himself and approached her respectfully and formally.
“Miss Elizabeth, I have been walking in the grove for some time in hope of meeting you. Would you do me the honor of reading this letter?”Then he handed her the message he wrote and made his parting obeisance, walking away briskly. However, he could not resist the urge to stop and look at her one last time; she filled his senses, and tears came to his eyes again; finally, he turned and left her there.
Returning to Rosings, Darcy found his cousin alone in the morning room enjoying a second helping of the breakfast repast. “Edward,” Darcy’s voice came out heavier than he intended.“I am glad to find you without company at this time. I have something for which I must beg your assistance.”
The brusque manner in which Darcy spoke surprised Edward. “Pray tell me there is nothing wrong with Georgiana.”
“There is no fear there, but of what I wish to speak does relate to my sister. May we be seated?”
“Certainly,” Edward’s concern played across his face, but he gave Darcy his full attention.
Darcy took a deep breath and began slowly.“Edward, there was something I shared with no one about my time in Hertfordshire. George Wickham is stationed with the militia in Meryton, and I was nearly thrown into his company there.”
Edward cut in, “Darcy, you jest. Wickham! How can that be? He lacks the discipline for such a life.”
“I would not argue with you there, Cousin, but I have other tales to share. Miss Elizabeth’s sisters favor the company of officers, and she has been often in Wickham’s company. As we both are aware, Wickham has his charms, especially when it comes to the ladies. He filled Miss Elizabeth’s head with lies about his relationship with my family; and I, with much deliberation, shared the story of Wickham’s betrayal of Georgiana with her.” Edward’s shock could not be hidden. “I assured Miss Elizabeth you will verify my story; would you please make yourself available to her if she so wishes? Elizabeth respects your worth.”
“Darcy!” Edward exclaimed, “Are you sure Miss Elizabeth can be trusted with Georgiana’s future?”
“Implicitly,” came his simple response.
“If you say so, Cousin,” Edward shook his head. “Elizabeth Bennet must be a remarkable woman for you to risk Georgiana’s reputation as such.”
Darcy did not answer; he feared his heart would betray him if he spoke of Elizabeth’s worth.
Before taking their leave of Rosings, Darcy and Edward called upon the Parsonage to pay their respects. Elizabeth did not return from her walk, and Darcy was not sure whether he rejoiced at the idea or whether he trembled from the anticipation of her return. He had no pretense to hold him there so he bid the Collinses adieu and left his respects for Elizabeth with them. Edward waited upon her return for nearly an hour, but Elizabeth, evidently, did not desire his proof for Darcy’s secret; he, too, bid those at Hunsford a fond farewell. Joining Darcy, Edward took time to appease their aunt and lingered some time with Anne before stepping into the carriage to return to London and his military duty. At least, thought Darcy, Edward has something to distract him; Darcy was not sure anything could make him forget Elizabeth Bennet.
CHAPTER 10
“The folly which he must have witnessed . . .”
Darcy stayed in London for less than a fortnight, but he did not spend his time well. He roamed from room-to-room at Kensington Place, standing for hours staring out the window or sitting at his desk, his work left unattended; nothing gave him pleasure. Although Georgiana joined him at his London home, Darcy was still alone, wanting no one’s company, their conversations limited to the barest of civilities. His sister knew nothing of his pain, and she took on a countenance laced with guilt; however, Darcy took no notice of Georgiana’s believing she disappointed him. Being lost unto himself, he did not see her apprehension.
Edward, at Georgiana’s insistence, joined them for dinner one evening to assess his cousin’s change of demeanor. Darcy’s haggard looks shocked Edward, and Darcy’s reserve, even with his relatives, created an unclear picture of what his cousin thought. “Fitz,” Edward began tentatively, “I thought you might want to know Miss Elizabeth is in town.”
Darcy’s whole being reflected his discomposure at his cousin’s tidings. He forced himself to swallow and to sound uninterested. “Miss Elizabeth, you say? Pray tell where you might have enco
untered her in London.”
“I did not speak to her directly. She, Miss Lucas, another young lady, and an older couple were in a drapers shop in Pall Mall, near Harding and Howell, last Tuesday. I just finished training some new recruits and was not presentable to greet the rest of her party; I assumed, Cousin, you would know how to reach Miss Bennet here if you so wished.”
“I am not that intimate with Miss Elizabeth to know her affairs!” Darcy nearly snapped. He downed a large glass of brandy and softened his tone.“The mercantile district, you say?”
“From the window, I observed that she chose some lace, even going back to it several times, but she did not purchase it,” Edward added.“I thought you might be interested.”
“Miss Elizabeth is no consequence to me,” is what Darcy answered, but the fluttering around his heart belied his words. “Edward, I have some matters to address in my study.Why do you not join Georgiana? She would appreciate company more pleasant than I have been of late.”And with that, he left the room.
Several hours later Edward knocked lightly at Darcy’s study, but no response came from within. He rapped again before opening the door gingerly; he saw papers all over the floor and Darcy slumped over his desk, the remnants of a glass of brandy clutched tightly in his hand. As he came forward to rouse his cousin, Edward at first thought Darcy slept, but he soon discovered Darcy was clearly inebriated. The colonel had helped more than one of his military acquaintances in similar situations, but to find Darcy so was uncharacteristic. He could not recall of a single time when Fitzwilliam allowed himself to lose control and to take too much drink. For his cousin to be in such a condition concerned the colonel.
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