by Pinson, K.
“That’s right. Come apart, baby. Make a mess all over this fucking bed for me.” His words send me over the edge like they usually do. He lets me recover for a minute while hopping off the bed and digging in his pants pocket that lays on the floor, producing a condom, and comes back over to the bed. He rips it open and without a second thought I shake my head at him. He looks at me confused for a split second before he catches on.
“You don’t want me to use it?” I shake my head again. Words won’t come to me. I’m ready to start our family and we’ve talked about it before the wedding. I don’t want anything else to stand in the way of us. I want to feel him, all of him, and I’m prepared for the end result. If it’s meant to be, it will be. He smiles from ear to ear. He doesn’t hesitate to place his hard cock at my center, preparing himself to slam inside of me. He grips my hips and slides me up so he has better access. He rubs his dick up and down in my slit, lubricating himself more. In one swift movement, he slides inside. He doesn’t move, but looks at where our bodies meet one another. We fit perfectly. I groan in frustration, I need him to move.
“Dax, move.” I beg.
“It’s so sexy to watch my dick stretches your tight pussy, to watch your walls mold and contract around me.” He slowly starts to torture me by sliding ever so slightly in and out. At this angle, with his hands cupping my butt, I have little control over my movement. I try to arch up to meet him, but he grips my ass firmly causing me to stop immediately. I moan loudly at the feeling.
“Your pussy feels so silky smooth around me baby. You’re home to me. This right here is fucking home to me. You’re mine and I’m yours.” He starts to pick up his pace, rearing back quicker and going inside of me harder. I throw my head back in ecstasy.
“Yes! Dax, baby. Fuck me.” I respond. It only makes him more animalistic as he roughly starts to fuck me with reckless abandon.
“I love when dirty words come out of such a pretty mouth. You’re so fucking beautiful, Avalynn. I’ll fucking never get enough of you. Never.” He reaches out and grabs the headboard for leverage while he impales me over and over, getting harder with every stroke. I reach up and grab his face, bringing his lips to mine. I bite his bottom lip which catches him off guard and he grips my hips firmly and rolls me on top. I take control, bringing my body upside down and slamming down as hard as I can take. I can feel myself getting ready to shatter, so I pick up the pace, milking Daxton in hopes that he’ll let go with me. I scream out his name and let go, just as he releases inside of me. After the waves of orgasm exude from my body, I collapse on top of Daxton in exhaustion.
Of course, he doesn’t let me get away that easily. We make love more slowly, sensually, and reassured for the remainder of the night before we have to shower and dress for the airport. Our honeymoon is beautiful and romantic. I almost resent having to come home. But when I see Abby at the gate waiting for me, that resentment is gone. I remember what this is all about; what it’s always been about. Nine months later a beautiful little boy will be brought into this world. We’ll have strong moments and we’ll have weak moments. Our life will still remain a crazy, fucked up roller coaster ride of emotions. Not much will change in that sense. This is a not a happily ever after in the sense that nothing bad will happen from here on out. Let’s face it, that’s not real life. But we will deal with it all in stride. We will take each moment and learn from it, bettering ourselves and each other. We will learn and grow. We will become better parents, lovers, and friends. Daxton and I will never be apart again until death parts us that way.
I could not have written a better beginning to a love that will last a lifetime. It won’t be perfect. It won’t be effortless. There will be sadness, heartbreak, excitement, and love. Much like a house of cards, we will not always be steady. A card may fall off the top or slide out from under the bottom; we may sway in the wind or falter from a shaky table top. But, unlike most, we have the glue to fit the empty spaces in between. We will fight to stand strong. We will hold each other up, from the beginning to the end. We have all that it takes to make this last as long as fate will allow...and we refuse to accept anything less.
Epilogue
I Love You Most.
It’s hard to say goodbye, whether it be temporary or permanent. It’s even harder, when the person you have to say goodbye to doesn’t want to go any more than you want them to go. Sure, she’s made her peace with her physical body dying and her spiritual body being sent off to where she believes it will go. But it doesn’t mean she’s happy about it.
When we received the news that Gram opted to be put in hospice, my world immediately stopped spinning on its axis. It slowed to a dead stop before slowly burning up into the atmosphere.
All of her loved ones gather in her room. Her mind is still sound and she’s talking as if it’s just another ordinary day, certainly not the day before her last. We have pizza, pop, and she even makes everyone in the room eat chicken livers. I begged her not to make me do it but she grinned and said “If you love me, you’ll do it.” I downed that chicken liver like it was my favorite thing in the world. It tasted like ass by the way.
When it starts to reach the tail end of the night, we all file out into the hallway. The nurses are getting ready to give her morphine and there’s no way she’ll be able to stay awake. Gram has never been super huge on medication of any sort - she’s a lightweight in a sense.
Gram calls us into her room, one by one, to say our final goodbyes. After not so patiently waiting my turn, I walk in quietly. I’m the last one of the bunch. Her frail body lies in the bed, bruises lining her exposed skin. I didn’t notice this so much with everyone else in the room, but it seems to be all I can focus on now that it’s just her and I. She is pale yellow in color, her skin slowly dying, just like the rest of her body. She knew about this long before the rest of us. She tried to fight it. She convinced herself she was going to get better and didn’t want to worry anyone. I wish she would have told me.
When the truth came out, it was too late. Her body was already shutting down, even though her mind was in full alert. Everyone was called up to the nursing home, which had been her residing place for about a month now. She seemed to envision it as a temporary vacation away from home, even though we all really knew she wanted nothing more than to be in her bed.
I went over to feed her dogs and tend to her house, in hopes that she’d be returning; the news that she couldn’t hit me worse than anything ever has in my entire life. This woman right here meant just as much to me as my wife and children. This woman right here was my rock long before I knew I needed one. She guided me through the toughest decisions of my life and slapped me on the head lovingly when I made the worst ones. She was always there for me and, as much as I want to break down right now, I know that I need to be strong for her now… as she has always been for me.
I pull up a chair beside her bed. She smiles weakly at me and my nerve endings begin to throb. Nothing about this woman is familiar, this weak, sick woman. It kills me.
I rest my hand gently on top of hers and still she winces in pain. On top of COPD, she also has bone cancer which most likely spread throughout her body upon going untreated. Nobody knows for sure, but I think Gram is keeping it to herself to shelter everyone from the hurt.
I pull my hand slowly away, but she shakes her head no. She needs to feel my hand there even though it puts her in pain. Pain is better in this moment, than not feeling love at all.
“Son. I love you,” She tells me through labored breaths. Her eyes continuously drift up to the clock and I want to rip it off the wall. She doesn’t need to know what time it is. In my mind, it isn’t her time yet. But she knows far more than I do and I don’t realize that now.
“I’m so proud of the man that you’ve become.” I can tell that she truly means it, I can feel every syllable.
“Gram…please don’t go. I need you here.” It’s selfish of me, I know. I never intended to come in here and beg. I never intended to ask for somet
hing that I know she has no control over. I think that if she could stay in this world, without being in pain, she’d choose to do so. But unfortunately, that’s not in the cards.
“Watch over those babies, Avalynn included. I am so grateful to God that they are in your life and that you’re happy. That is all I’ve ever wanted for you.” I try to hold back the tears but this is my life lying on this bed before me. This is my protector.
“I promise I will, Gram. Thank you.” I don’t know what else to say. I’ve been doing so much talking these last couple of days that it seems like when I’m in need of it most, I’m at a complete loss for words.
“Thank you for being the man that you are. “ I can sense her exhaustion. She seems to be letting go. I am silently praying for a miracle, screaming for someone to help me, to save her. But I know that it’s not going to happen. Deep down I know.
“I love you.” I say quietly. Those three words have such a huge impact for me. I only use them when I actually mean it.
“I know you do, Son. As I love you.”
“I love you most Gram.” This has always been our thing. We’d fight over who loved the other than most, when in all reality, it was an even tie.
“That’s…impossible…” She’s struggling to breathe now and exhaustion is beginning to take over her body, the meds kicking in. She’s opted to go the hospice route, so heavy medication to keep her comfortable and a nurse on standby are the only treatments she’s currently receiving. There are no machines hooked up to her. No way to tell what level she’s at, nothing. I try to stay with her overnight, but she tells me to go home and get some sleep. Against everything that was telling me to stay, I listen to her wishes and I respect them. I go home and get little sleep.
I wake up bright and early in the morning and head to the nursing home as soon as they open, Avalynn in tow. Faith watches the babies for us because she knows that I don’t want them up there to see any of this. They need to remember Gram in her good moments, not like this. When I walk into her room, I attempt to speak with her but she’s completely non-responsive. She’s still breathing, but no longer talking. I spend hours in her room, reading to her, playing guitar and singing, and finally just sitting by her bedside crying. She never wakes up. If only I had known that the day before would really be her last. I let out every word I didn’t get a chance to say and hoped that she could hear me. The only sign that I got was the occasional tear down her cheek or the barely there squeeze she’d give to my hand that I held hers with.
I’m scared as fuck. Being completely helpless is not something I take lightly. All I can do is be here for her. I lay my head on the bed. Her breathing sounds more like a rattle than an actual breath when she inhales. It sounds painful and I can see her face completely tightening up. I know in this moment what I must do. She’s only holding on because I asked her to - she’s always been a fighter.
“Let go, Gram. Its okay, I’m here. Just let go.” Her breathing slows down almost instantly. She fades away so quickly that I barely recognized the exact moment that it happened. It’s not sad or scary like I initially pictured it to be. It was peaceful. She’s no longer in pain. For me, however, it’s a different story. Reality sets in that she’s really gone and my heart breaks into a million pieces.
I let go completely and shatter on the floor. I only move when I’m forced to. The nurses come in after a few minutes. They inform the rest of our loved one in the waiting room that she has passed. The all shuffle in to say their last goodbyes. Sobbing fills the room but I tune it all out. I focus on all of the happy memories that we shared. I envision her laughing, her smiling and happy.
I only release her hand when they have to take her body away. This was one of the hardest moments of my entire life, but I know that I needed to be here. She needed me to let her go, to show that I’ll be okay. Avalynn comes in after she is gone and helps me out to the car. She’s a wreck, but putting on a calm façade. I appreciate her for this - it’s what Gram would have done for me. When we get home, she comforts me. I fall asleep in her arms, right where I’m supposed to be.
***
I’m sitting in a little room in the back of the church that I grew up in, getting ready to say goodbye to someone that I’ll miss for the rest of my life. It's never going to get easier, but I hope that someday it'll be bearable. Until that time comes, I have my family to lean on and I can never thank my lucky stars enough for them. If not for them, there would be no reason for me to be.
My gram was always like the mother that I never had. I tormented her just as bad as any son would and she dealt with it with a smile on her face and a switch in her hand. She’d make me pick a long, skinny branch just perfect for spanking whenever I acted up. Gabe would cry like a baby whenever she’d threaten to switch him and he’d usually get out of it. But not me, I was resilient. I would bend over and ask for three more with a laugh. Eventually she’d end up laughing, too. I think it helped with the stress of taking care of two teenage boys when my father was no longer able to. He started to get really bad with his disease toward the end of his life. I loved him dearly, but he was never able to really be a parent. But Gabe and I never really noticed the loss, loving him anyway. My Gram gave us all the love, support, and structure that any kid really needs plus some.
I’m still staring at nothing-ness and reminiscing in my head when I feel a tiny little hand tug at my own. I look down and see the eyes that match my wife’s perfectly staring back at me and my heart skips a beat. I love this little girl with all of my heart and soul and I couldn’t be more proud to call her my daughter. She’s the light of mine and Avalynn’s life. I’m glad that they are able to be here with me on this day. My gram loved the both of them so much. She loved my entire little family with her whole heart. Abby and I prepared a song to sing to my Gram as a tribute. I’d play guitar and sing the chorus, while Abby sang most of the song for the crowd. I wasn’t sure that I could hold back tears for long enough to sing by myself. I’ve never been much of a crier, but this is by far the hardest thing I’ve been through, next to almost losing the love of my life. Abby chose to sing “Country Roads, Take Me Home” the cover version done by Gypsy Soul. I couldn’t be more impressed about how in tune she was with everyone around her. She knew that was one of Gram’s favorite songs, not to mention that Gram hailed from West Virginia herself. It was perfect.
I smile down at Abby with a solid tear in my ear.
“Don’t cry, Daddy. Gram is in Heaven and Heaven is a lot prettier than here.” She says calmly with a huge smile on her face. It’s funny how reassuring those words out of her little mouth are to me. The innocence of children is one of the most beautiful things there are in life. I wish that she could stay little forever. She’s learning more every day and impressing all of her teachers. She’s ten years old now, soon to be eleven. Time really flies in the blink of an eye.
“Ready, Daddy? I want to sing,” she states determinedly. This is her first public appearance that she gets to be front stage, center. She belongs on the stage. I smile at her confidence and swallow back the emotion I’m feeling. Time to go give Gram the best damn tribute I can. She’d truly love this… I wish she were here to see. We walk into the church and down the aisle, making our way quickly to the stage. Abby is holding my hand and looking around at all of the people. By nature of her disorder, big groups of people make her nervous but not today. She is more than ready to sing for everyone.
Right in the front pew, I see my beautiful wife. She’s crying and I’m not surprised. Gram easily took the role as her mother as well.
“Daddy!” I hear little man’s voice shout and he quickly jumps out of his mother’s arms. She’s not fast enough to grip him and he launches himself up into my arms and I hug him hard. My King. He looks surprisingly just like me, with only Ava and Abby’s eyes. There is no mistaking those. I’m glad that trait was passed on. I walk over to my wife, I won’t ever get tired of saying that, and put King gently down into her arms. She is a vision in yel
low - we all decided against doing black and chose bright colors instead. Gram would want us all to celebrate, not mourn.
“Go to Mommy, Buddy. Daddy is going up on the stage to sing with Sissy.” He doesn’t question me and he sits, placing his hands neatly in his lap. He’s the most handsome toddler I’ve ever saw, but I’m obviously biased. I attempt to ruffle his hair, but he quickly swats me away, giving me his mother’s adorable mad face. Uncle Tripp gelled it into a fo-hawk and little man thinks it’s the coolest.
I place my hand down on Ava’s stomach and pat the belly where my soon to be squirt is taking up residence. I love Ava pregnant. She’s seriously the sexiest woman alive and knowing that a part of me is inside of her, makes me happy to no end. The strength that she encompasses will never cease to amaze me. I’m glad that she has realized how much worth she holds finally. She is my forever love and always will be. We’re having a girl, we just found out yesterday. We’ve already decided to name her Anna, in memory of Gram. Ava smiles up at me reassuringly and I can’t help but steal a chaste kiss. Abby is already speaking to everyone in the microphone behind me and I’m not the least bit surprised. I climb on the stage and pick up my acoustic, letting the music soothe the hurt that I’m feeling. I give the song my all and Abby holds nothing back either. It is a moment I will never forget, with the people that mean the most. My loved ones fill the room and I see the guys in the back as they shoot me an awkward thumbs-up. They don’t do funerals well. When our song is over, we get a standing ovation from all in the room. Beautiful pictures of Gram and her youth all the way up to a week before she passed show on a TV screen. It is truly an amazing service.