I nodded and straightened up. “As you wish,” and easily pulled my clothes away. We stood still, assessing one another and contemplating our options. She had opened her mouth to say something more but she clamped it shut, still looking over at me.
Holding back my grin, I waited with a raised eyebrow. Our hearts were beating in sync once again as our thoughts strayed closer, tempted to forego any other activities but one another. There were only six steps separating us, and it was hard to concentrate on the more important matter on hand. If it really was important. Everything was slowly disappearing as I contemplated on how quickly I could take those six steps to her.
She cleared her throat and we met each other’s gaze. “To change, you need concentrate on that other part of you, that essence. It will be slow, and it might take several attempts, but… it’s like giving in to a desire. You let this warmth envelope you from head to toe.
“I have heard it’s uncomfortable, even painful at first. Your body will know what to do but the mind tends to fight it. So you have to focus on your heart and your breathing, and follow that. Let go of the human part of you.”
Glancing at my hands, I was slowly beginning to understand what she meant. “Show me.” And as I looked, the change appeared to slow down as I watched it ripple against her skin. Her back arched and her arms stretched high until she bowed down, a dark red wolf with deep eyes gazing back at me.
I was struck by an envy I had never known before as she drew close and walked around me before returning to her spot just a few feet away. Sweat coated my upper lip in seconds and I nearly forgot to breathe.
When she changed back, she stood with an energetic expression, eager for me to experience what she already had in her life. Remy marched over to touch her hand to my heart, trailing her fingers over my shoulder and down to pull my own hand to my own heart. “Don’t you feel it?” She asked earnestly. “It’s right there.”
It made sense but the process was more than using my imagination, and that’s barely hitting the surface. It was like teaching someone who had never seen more than a puddle how to swim on dry land. As much as she tried to explain it to me, the night had nearly passed by the time I succeeded in my endeavor at last.
It happened, and I could tell what she had meant. The transformation relieved an itch I hadn’t realized had been bugging me, and it set me free in a way I couldn’t explain. The world changed and I was more than willing to accept it; everything was sharper and more vibrant. Energy coursed through my body and I couldn’t help myself from moving around restlessly before taking off in no particular direction. I just had to move.
The wind rustled through my fur and I heard the world all around me. I barely thought about a thing, using my instincts to place my steps and what to listen to. Nothing could stop me as I ran and leapt and stretched these strong new muscles. There were no words to describe the ecstasy. My heartbeat drummed in my ears and pushed me forward.
I was still dancing by the time she found me after I had ran off. For a minute, I didn’t even realize it was Remy. I was so caught up and there was hardly a solid thought in my head, not until I saw her. The wolf crept closer and I invited her near, but she shook her head and pawed the ground anxiously. It made no sense, and I rejected her.
A growl escaped my teeth without thinking and before I could turn away, she changed form. It overloaded my senses. The transition made her smell different, and my body didn’t know what to do about it. She was different, and I didn’t understand it.
“Benjamin.” She called, never coming closer and I couldn’t tell why she had to be like this, why she was in a different form than before. “Please, Benjamin!” A cry caught in her throat and my senses picked up the tension. Her skin stood on edge and I could sense the distress in the air.
I shook my head, confused. Not knowing what to do, I laid down and rubbed my snout with my paw as I thought hard. The earth was so fresh, and there was so much to do. I wanted to be off, I didn’t want this, but something restrained me from moving. Shaking my head once more, an inner voice told me to catch hold of myself, and remember. Remember what?
The promise, I had just promised her. Arching my body, I tried to recollect my other form similar to hers. I had told her things would be okay. There had been worry, a concern that I would get lost. That I wouldn’t be human. It jarred me, reminding me of the dualities of my body. I wasn’t just a wolf.
It was enough, but the change was still a fight I struggled to preserve. When I did return to my bipedal form, I gasped in shock bending on my hands and knees. Remy called my name again and ran to my side, emanating relief. She touched me, and the warmth shook me to the core and I pondered what had just happened.
“Are you okay?” She whispered. I looked up and hadn’t realized how pale she was.
Coughing, I shook my head in disbelief. “I didn’t realize… how hard it was.”
She hugged me, surprising both of us. But it wasn’t unwelcome and I wrapped an arm around her as I sought to regain my balance. The adrenaline I had spent in the other form had used up my energy, and I couldn’t stand steady for very long. Remy mentioned this was only a drawback at the beginning and soon I would contain enough energy in both forms, but I wasn’t sure.
We were two miles from our grove, and she worried I wouldn’t make it. My legs shook slightly, and it was tempting to stay here, close together, for the night. It was a tempting offer but I needed to use my brain in this regard. I knew that I needed this to be a reminder for the future. That my true form was human. So I made us take the long, weary stroll back to camp. We were quiet as I considered the exhilarating experience, still incredulous over everything.
After that night, our journey began to move along more smoothly. We hunted together and she taught me more about her ways. It didn’t take long for the nocturnal instincts to kick in, and soon we slept most days to move at night.
The two of us conversed more easily, discussing everything but the painful pieces of our past, and whatever the occasional kiss meant. After our time in the river, she was reluctant to draw that close again but I never knew how to address this. Some days her hand rubbed against mine, and others we sat on opposite sides of the campfire.
I could barely fathom the life I had lived without her, but parts of our future began to concern me. We journeyed, but there was no destination in site. We went nowhere in particular, and our strange relationship was doing the same. It was perplexing, and I began to grow more frustrated. I wanted more.
I was gathering the courage to start that conversation when I suddenly smelled something on the wind one evening. She noticed I had stopped and drew closer with a crease in her brow. I watched her face and her thoughtful expression turned serious.
“What is it?” I asked quietly.
“It’s that pack. Again.”
It took me a minute to remember who she could possibly mean. My old shoulder wound itched and it helped me recall the particular faces. I rose my eyebrow, silently asking her what she wanted to do.
Gnawing her lip, she glanced around and didn’t appear satisfied with any direction. Hitching up the bag on her shoulder, she sighed. “They can’t possibly be coming back for revenge.” But she didn’t sound positive.
“We could face them if they become a problem,” I pointed out. She had taken them all by herself before, and I knew that with the two of us, they wouldn’t stand a chance.
The idea made her smile before she shook her head. “Best to avoid trouble all the same. We need to head north, then.”
“North?” I glanced to the right. North meant the cold, and summer wouldn’t last forever. She had never considered north to be an option. I knew she had come from that direction, but I didn’t know where in particular. “Is that wise?”
“No,” she admitted uncertainly. “But just south of here is a village that will definitely not allow us entrance, and east means returning from where we started off. North it is. I’m sure it will be fine.” There was a hint of do
ubt in her voice, but I didn’t ask her why.
It was a week before the scent of that pack finally disappeared. There was no way of knowing if they were really following us or happened to be hanging around this area. It made little sense for them to already be so far west as we were. But even as they left, there were other parties that we had to start avoiding. It was several days before we slowed down and stopped looking over our shoulders.
By then, it was time for the full moon. I had never known the weather or the heavens to affect a person so, but I began to realize what Remy had mentioned that one night about how much it took over her soul. Even the days leading up to the big night, I began to feel anxious and moody until she pointed it out and I was silenced.
“Do you have to change form that night?” I pondered that day as we set up camp. My senses were heightened and it made it harder for me to concentrate. There was running water somewhere, and a wind coming from the west. I could smell the decay of a dying gopher or two, and sensed a lowly fox hoping to avoid us. All of it was overwhelming and I fought hard to stay focused.
“It’s best.” She began collecting sticks to build a fire. We hadn’t had one in many days as we avoided the other packs, but the nights were growing colder. Every time we stopped to sleep I wanted to curl myself around her but she wasn’t interested. A fire would have to suffice. “It’s not just enjoyable, but the moon is calling to your other form, you see. It becomes more than an addiction, a desire. The urge is strongest then and it’s nearly impossible to fight.”
“You fought it.”
She shook her head. “Only after I had already taken that form for a short while. I tried to use that energy then, to shake it from my soul. But it was… it was torture, remaining in my human form until then.”
Frowning, I stepped over to her and waited for her to turn my way. Her eyes opened wide and I was glad to notice I was getting better at surprising her. “Torture?” I wrapped a hand around her waist and pulled her against me. It was insulting, after all, to hear her say that. I knew what I had felt that night, and while I knew something else drove her towards me, it had been nothing close to torture.
I heard the hitch in her breathing as we stood close, our faces wavering near one another's and waiting for the other to take the first step, to close the remaining gap between us. My heart beat eagerly, hoping she would do it. We hadn’t been this close since her swimming lesson and I was missing it, missing her.
“You know what I mean,” she swallowed loudly. Her hands shakily rose from her sides and placed themselves on my chest, scrunching up my shirt material in her fists. I watched her gaze lower, and it was clear she was weighing her options.
Just when I thought she was about to lean in, she pushed me away. In disbelief I held back a growl and turned away. Remy’s eyes followed me and while there was much to be said, we didn’t know how to address any of it.
“We should… sleep. While we can. The moment the sun sets, we’ll be wide awake. It’s going to be… well, we should sleep.” She moved away, leaving me there as she finished building a small fire. I took off in search of food, and we ate in silence before turning to our respective sides and attempting some rest.
She was right. Staying asleep had been difficult and by the time the sun began its descent, it was impossible. I laid on my back, watching the sky darken and could feel it in every fiber of my body. It was like nothing I had ever felt before, not even from the night of my first change. Every nerve was alive, and my hair stood on end. It was like ants were inside my body, crawling everywhere. My senses were more alert and adrenaline continually coursed through my veins. Soon it was too much to take lying down, and I stood to pace.
Remy had been awake also, and rose when I did. She took care of the ashy remains of the fire and tucked our things away before turning to me. Gnawing my lip, my eyes strayed from her to the sky and I began to realize how ill equipped I was for something such as this. It had gotten easier, the changing back into my human form. But I still had to fight that call and gather self-restraint in order to change again. Now, tonight was beginning like nothing I had experienced before.
My emotions must have been written on my face when Remy walked forward and made me turn to her. She looked at me and kissed my cheek hesitantly. “This is supposed to be a good thing,” she murmured. “It should be a good thing. This, tonight, us. It should be. I just… You make me worry.”
Things were getting harder to focus now but through the muddle I understood the anxiety she must have faced. Putting a hand on her shoulder, I nodded. “It should be. But stop worrying. Things will work out.”
A flicker of a smile crossed her thick lips. “Promise?”
“Promise.” I kissed her forehead. She had reason to worry, and I knew she did; but as long as she would have me, I didn’t intend on leaving her behind.
I was ready to accept the change. We undressed and I watched her stretch, as she always did just before the transformation. After she had rolled her shoulders and pawed the ground eagerly, she turned to me and I followed her example. It was as easy as shedding my clothes to switch skins this night, and I felt as though I had reawakened in a new world.
She took off, teasing me and I chased after her. We ran and jumped and explored the lands about with the energy that rode us through the night. The moon, I was beginning to learn, was present in every turn we took and it only urged us further on. There was a wild power that ran in our veins. For hours we enjoyed the full moon, and it felt it would last forever. Time was nonexistent, and I had forgotten every shred of my human existence until Remy suddenly pulled to a sharp stop and I realized there was a new scent in the winds.
I called softly to her but she didn’t reply. Hurriedly, I padded over, brushing myself against her as I searched for whatever entrapped her gaze. Ahead at the top of a hill, was the answer to the unfamiliar scent and what she stared at. A large gray wolf up there was my answer. He was our kind, and he watched us through red eyes.
A moment later, he turned and disappeared. When he was gone, I turned to Remy for answers but she had taken off in the opposite direction. Her tail sunk low as she bounded back to our base at a speed I hadn’t known possible. I hurried after her, and gradually met her back at our campsite. She had already changed to start dressing.
The moon’s pull was growing a little dimmer, just weak enough for me to switch forms. My hands shook as I tried to focus on my human form, dressing and clearing my muddled thoughts. The transition of the body was the easy part but as a wolf, the thinking process was very different and it was difficult to organize my human thoughts while the full moon was still in the skies.
“Remy?” I pulled on my shirt, watching as she gathered our things and put out any sign of our being there. She was ready to run and hide leaving me at a loss. I watched her and realized she hadn’t heard me. “Remy? Remy! What is going on?” I grabbed her from behind, turning her around. “Did I do something-”
She gasped loudly when she suddenly bumped into me. Her face was ashen and her light blue eyes were opened wide. “Yes. No! No. Not you.” She tried to yank herself free but I was stronger and gripped her tighter, keeping her away where she couldn’t reach anything. Grabbing her shoulders, I made her face me again.
“Remy,” I said her name more gently, hoping she would explain. Something had made her frantic, and I wondered about the wolf, why she had hightailed it so quickly.
Her heart was beating out of control and she was shaking, much more badly than I was. I heard her gulp and then she threw herself at me. Desperately she grabbed at me, locking our lips together over and over. I could hardly breathe as I allowed her to take free reign in the frenzy, my body only too ready for something more of her. It was the moon as much as it was me, ready and willing. She pulled my shirt off, groaning eagerly when I tugged at her ear. But when I began to grab for her shirt, Remy abruptly turned cold and stepped away.
The moon was driving me crazy and so was she. I stared at her with brui
sed lips and wondered what was going on. My hands formed into fists, trying to figure out what to do. I wanted her, more than anything, but her actions were barely comprehendible.
“Put your shirt on, we need to go.” She had used me and I inwardly berated myself for being so hungry for her. Clearing her throat, she gathered everything in her arms and waited for me to obey. I could feel the ghost of her body against me, but I stood immovable. “Dress. Or I’ll leave without you,” she threatened but I heard the crack in her voice.
“No, you won’t.”
She couldn’t look at me, and I finally noticed the fear crossing her face. “Yes, I will.”
“Who was it?” I squeezed my fists shut, straining to get the itch out of my skin. I looked to her face, and that’s how I managed to forget about the moon. Her eyes looked around everywhere but at me, and her face was still pale.
“Who was who?”
I grabbed my shirt and walked to her, just as close as we had been seconds ago. I pierced her gaze and asked her again. “Who was that?”
She closed her eyes with a bitter expression. “It was him. Lyell. It was him.”
5: Remy
I couldn’t stop shaking. No matter how tightly I wrapped my arms around myself, no matter how tightly Benjamin held me, I couldn’t stop trembling. I squeezed my eyes shut to try to block Lyell’s face from my mind.
I knew we were getting closer to where his last hunting ground had been, but he must have moved further southeast than I thought he would ever go.
This was nothing like the place where the two of us had started our pack. We had chosen lush, fertile land with more than enough wildlife. This was barren land with few animals. I didn’t know why he choose such a place. He lived for the hunt. For Lyell it was like a hunger.
My feet were dirty, and I stared down at them for several minutes until my breathing began to normalize. Ben’s strong arms held me, enveloped me, and soothed me. I felt protected, but he didn’t know the extent of harm done to my soul. I felt as though a large wound had been ripped open, raw and bleeding.
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