by Jordyn White
Still gripping Jack’s arm, I glance back over my shoulder.
Shane Brooks is watching my every move.
I’ve decided women must have a primitive instinct that tells us when to chase, and when to be chased.
Whereas I couldn’t keep myself from looking at Shane Brooks during the first half of the evening, no matter how hard I tried, I’ve now gone to the other extreme. We’re almost to the end of the program and I haven’t glanced at him once.
Maybe it’s because I have a sense that he’s watching me. I can feel it.
Or maybe it’s all in my head.
Either way, the idea gives me a strangely calm sort of exhilaration. I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.
When Ashley finally comes on stage, I break into a huge smile and enthusiastic applause. She’s wearing a black, beaded dress with a full skirt that reaches the floor. Her long blonde hair is braid free, coming to her waist in gentle, elegant curls.
She smiles, curtsies elegantly, and settles herself on the bench. When her fingers go to the piano and she sounds the first note, she doesn’t merely play. She coaxes pure music out of the keys like an enchantress working her wonders.
It is always this moment, when our Ashley first begins to play, that I am in awe to have such a friend.
Tonight’s piece begins with a haunting melody that seeps into my body and slowly rises with powerful measures. Wide-eyed, I watch her run her fingers over the keys as her music takes me to a higher place. It is a place filled with such marvel and longing that I can only let out a soft exhale.
As if the music itself leads me to do it, my eyes find Shane Brook’s face once more.
His eyes come to mine in the exact same moment.
And in that moment, as we hold each other’s gaze and the music swirls around us, I realize just how deep in I am. This is not just an obsession or a school girl’s crush. I am hungry for this man in a way that makes me ache deep in my bones and in my loins.
In the near darkness, I see the same longing on his face.
Ashley’s music rises to a crescendo and my heart gallops along with it. She is pushing us higher and higher. My body reverberates with her song and my heart bursts as she concludes the piece with a pounding climax.
In the momentary pause that follows the ending of her piece, it is only Shane Brooks and I. Alone together in the silence. Then the auditorium bursts into applause, the audience rising to their feet. The spell is broken.
I come up on shaking legs, hanging on to Jack’s arm for a moment for support. He puts two fingers to his mouth and whistles. Sam and Chloe clap enthusiastically, shouting out their appreciation with the rest of the audience.
I feel myself smiling. I clap and cheer with the others. But on the inside, I’m stunned into silence.
Chapter 8
I’ve spent the last two and a half days reliving the evening of the recital, much to the chagrin of my chemistry lab partners who started complaining about my level of distraction. Yesterday I accidentally put sulfur in a mixture instead of sulfite and damn near started a fire in the lab. We had to throw out the mixture and start all over again.
Now that I’m finally sitting in class, listening to Professor Brooks lecture on the philosophy of religion and Michael Martin’s essay, “The Cosmological Argument,” I’m not feeling much better. He’s acting no differently than he usually does. Even when I contribute a comment to the discussion, he responds to me just as he does every other student in class. It’s not like I expect him to stare longingly into my eyes or anything, but there’s not the slightest hint of... anything.
I would wonder if I’d imagined the whole thing Saturday night, except that I’m sure I didn’t.
Even so, the longer I sit here, the more I’m reminded about what we really are: a student and a professor. Nothing more.
I find that cold, hard reality by the light of day strangely settling. I can’t say that I don’t long for more. I do. But I can’t have it. Knowing that is better than being worked up into the frenzy that’s had me so befuddled for the past few days.
Right?
Just as I’m starting to settle for admiring his chest from a distance, he catches my ear when he mentions the working title of his dissertation.
Did he just say ‘The Philosophical Foundations of Atheist Spirituality?’
I raise my eyebrows and wonder what my Catholic mother would think of that. I don’t even know what I think about that.
A minute later he straightens, claps his hands together, says “Alright!” and dismisses us for the day.
I sigh and gather up my things, hitching my bag over my shoulder. Why, oh why didn’t I take History of Education instead?
As I’m passing his desk, head down, he casually says, “Miss Nikas.”
I blink at him and stop.
There are still a few students packing up their things. “Did you enjoy the performance the other night?” he asks.
He gives me an easy, professor-type smile. This guy is killing me.
Fine. Two can play that game. “I did,” I say easily. “My friend Ashley was one of the pianists.”
“Ashley Morrison?”
I smile. “That’s right.”
“She was my favorite.”
No shit, I think, remembering what happened during Ashley’s piece. But I keep my cool. “She’s really good, isn’t she? My friends and I try to go to all her performances.”
“Is that who you were with?” he asks. “Your friends?”
And there it is. Just a hint of something else underneath the facade. I realize that night I was sitting next to Jack, standing next to Jack, and taking Jack’s arm, all under the watchful eye of Professor Brooks.
I have a weak moment and I’m tempted to play up the notion that Jack was my date, for the sole purpose of trying to make Professor Shane Brooks jealous. But honestly? I’m not that kind of girl. And for all I know, he doesn’t care anyway. Who can tell what this guy is thinking?
“Sam, Chloe, and Jack,” I confirm, as the last student exits the room and we’re left alone. “We’ve known each other since freshman year. They’re my best friends. Ashley, too.”
He seems relieved, but maybe that’s just my imagination.
“Who were you with?” Fair’s fair, after all.
“It was a... a blind date actually.” He gives me a slightly embarrassed grin.
“Ah.” I’m disappointed. I was hoping she was just a friend, too.
But still, it doesn’t have to mean anything. After all, what tiny percentage of blind dates actually work out? Though, maybe the statistics would be different if all blind dates were as gorgeous as his was. He hit the fucking blind date jackpot as far as I can tell.
“Blind dates can be pretty harrowing.” I give a little laugh that I hope comes across as casual instead of awkward and stupid, which is how it sounds in my head. “Think you’ll go out again?”
He looks at me and there’s a pregnant pause.
I half expect him to say students have no business knowing who their professors date. He has that look of authority, which actually turns me on, pathetic girl that I am.
But he doesn’t correct me. Instead he answers, “No.”
No explanation. No nothing. But it was a firm no and I don’t doubt he means it.
My chest is fluttering again.
“So...” I say slowly. He watches me expectantly. “Your dissertation title caught my attention.”
He smiles. More like a devious grin, actually, and that’s just as attractive as the stern professor look he gave me a few minutes ago. “Are you an atheist, Miss Nikas?”
I laugh. “No. Are you?”
“Perhaps.”
I raise my eyebrows.
“Does that shock you?” He seems amused. “You don’t strike me as the church-going type.”
“Well, I’m not really,” I admit. “I pretty much only go to mass when I’m at my parents’ house. But don’t tell my mother I said that.”
He laughs. “The staunch Italian Catholic?”
“That’s the one.”
“Is she disapproving of atheists?”
I shrug, though I know the answer. “I was just... taken aback by the topic of your dissertation. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard the phrase ‘atheist spirituality’ before.”
“That probably seems a little contradictory to you.”
“Well... yeah. Maybe more than a little.”
“Spirituality is pretty tied to religion in our Western society, but in Eastern traditions, that’s not necessarily the case. Spirituality is about nurturing an inner life. The process can include a god or gods, but it doesn’t have to.”
“Huh.” I’m trying to wrap my brain around that one. I wouldn’t say I’m a card-carrying Catholic, but I’ve always believed in God.
Carefully considering me, he smiles. That gorgeous, delicious, lip-smacking smile that yanks my thoughts far, far away from anything holy.
Why am I standing here talking to him and torturing myself? Why do I keep letting him draw me in as if I think I have any chance at all with my freaking professor? My heart is beating so soundly I wonder if he can hear it clear on the other side of his desk.
“Come with me, Miss Nikas.” He grabs his laptop bag and heads for the door.
I blink, not moving. He turns and waits for me.
Gathering my wits about me, I follow and he leads me out of the room. We go down the hall and around the corner to his office door, the words “Shane Brooks” on the little brown name plate.
He opens the door and steps inside the tiny room. I linger in the doorway, holding the door open with one hand since it seems to want to close on its own.
There’s not much to his office besides a desk, a filing cabinet, and two bookcases overflowing with books. He deposits his laptop bag on his desk and approaches one of the bookcases. I glance around. There’s not much in the way of decor, except for a huge impressionist-style painting of a wooded glen, hanging on the wall opposite the shelves. I’m impressed to see that it’s an original, not a print, but I don’t recognize the artist.
“I didn’t know adjunct professors got their own office.” I move closer to the painting in search of a signature.
“Only if there’s room. I saw they had a vacant closet so I took it.”
He laughs but I’m not sure he’s kidding. He doesn’t even have a window.
I locate the signature and read the name aloud. “I’m not familiar with this artist.”
“It’s a local guy. He’s just getting started in his career, but things are starting to take off for him, from what I understand.”
“It might be worth something someday.” I turn toward him.
He’s leaning over slightly, his profile to me, and scanning the middle shelves. God, this guy is easy on the eyes. He shrugs. “I doubt I’d sell it. I love that painting.”
I notice the door has swung closed, leaving a gap of just a couple inches. I’m in a room alone with Professor Shane Brooks.
I glance first at him, then at the broad surface of his desk. Suddenly my mind goes all steamy romance on me and I imagine what it would be like to have him pounding me on that desk.
He pulls a book from the shelf and holds it up so I can see the title. I can only hope I’m not blushing. I read the title, “The Little Book of Atheist Spirituality?”
I raise my brows as he goes back to scanning his shelves, apparently on the hunt for something else. “Read this one first,” he says, still holding it aloft. “It’s written by a French atheist philosopher and will give you a good idea what I’m looking into for my dissertation.”
“Um...”
“Ah, here we go.”
He pulls another volume off the shelf and stacks it on top of the first book, straightening. “Read this one second. It’s about the intrinsic value of our basic virtues. Service. Honesty. Love. Stuff like that. It’s written by the same philosopher.”
He approaches and holds out the stack.
“Are you assigning me extra work, Professor?”
He gives a slow smile. “I thought you were interested.”
“I am but... you know I have a pretty full load this year.”
“Is that giving you trouble?”
“Well...” I grin. “Not really.”
He smiles with approval and my heart skips about in my chest. “You seem like the kind of person who’d rather be challenged, not held back.”
His words strike a chord with me and I blink at him. So few people ever try to push me beyond what I take on for myself. Too many times, the default stance is to try to reign me in, like Dean Jennings did.
Professor Brooks steps closer and raises the stack a little higher, gripping them with both hands.
I likewise reach for them with both hands. Our fingertips touch and we freeze, both of us still holding the books.
Our gaze locks.
He’s giving me the kind of look I thought I saw from across the auditorium last night, but this time we’re only inches apart. This time, no one’s turning away.
He looks to my lips, then back to my eyes. My breathing has shallowed. My entire body’s tingling.
Oh God, I want to kiss this man.
We hover there, my heart threatening to break right out of my chest. The flecks of green in his eyes are sharp against the penetrating blue.
Something inside me makes a decision.
I move my fingertip, brushing it a fraction of an inch along his finger. Such a tiny movement, but the feel of his skin lights me up. He looks down to our hands.
I move again, just barely caressing his knuckle with my fingertip. His eyes dart back up to mine. It seems neither of us are daring to breathe.
He leans ever so slightly closer to me.
It’s so slight I’m not sure he’s doing it.
Then he moves enough that I’m sure. I lean in slightly too.
Suddenly, he turns his head away, takes a step back, and releases the books. I almost drop them after receiving their sudden weight and tighten my grip.
“I—” he says.
There’s a knock as the door swings open and we both jump.
“Professor Brooks?” A young student sticks his head in. “Oh, I’m sorry,” the boy says. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“You weren’t interrupting,” Professor Brooks says.
“I was just leaving,” I say at the same time, stepping away from him and toward the door.
“Come on in, Jimmy,” he says.
I don’t look to see if Jimmy comes in or not. Head down, I mumble a “Thanks, Professor Brooks,” and scurry away like a thief leaving the scene of a crime.
That night I’m in my room with the door closed. I’m lying on my bed on top of the covers, fully dressed, and staring at the ceiling but not seeing a thing.
My pulse is racing and I’m fidgeting with my own fingers as they rest on my stomach.
It feels like something inside me is ticking. Tick, tick, tick. Winding up to something.
I glance at the clock on my dresser. It’s nearly ten o’clock at night.
Tick, tick, tick.
I swam this morning. I don’t need another work out.
Tick, tick.
But that’s not why I would go.
Tick.
The decision settles into my bones and cements there. I jump off my bed and fling my door open.
I go down the hall to Sam’s room. The door’s open and I see her sitting at her vanity, removing her make up with a wet cloth.
I head straight for her closet. “Can I borrow one of your bikinis?”
Sam, leaning into the mirror, doesn’t even pause her movements. “No.”
I find her swim suit stash and grab the top to a red bikini. I hold it over my chest. “Will this fit me?”
“Get the white one.” She glances at me through the mirror. “It’ll look gorgeous on that copper skin of yours.”
I dig through the flimsy pieces and find th
e white string bikini. When I come out of the closet I see she’s spun in her seat and crossed her legs. She’s giving me an amused look.
“Thanks, Sam.” I head for the door without stopping.
“Are you going to tell me who he is?”
“No.”
And with that, I’m gone.
Chapter 9
I’ve been at the pool for so long, I’m starting to worry he’s not going to show. I’m in the water, but haven’t been swimming laps. If he comes, sees me, and decides to bolt again, I’ll only have one chance.
It’s nearly eleven when Professor Shane Brooks walks through the glass door. I’m low in the water, my head just above the surface, so he doesn’t see me.
When he deposits his towel on the concrete bench, I smoothly lift myself out of the pool. I don’t even look at him at first. I rise to my feet, the water streaming off my nearly naked body. I know what I look like in a bikini, and for the first time in my entire life, I’m using it to my advantage.
I tilt my head back, smoothing my hands along my hair to ease out the excess water. I’m well aware of the natural back arch that occurs when a woman brushes her hands over her hair. I don’t over-exaggerate the movement or try to thrust out my chest like a cheap porn star.
Instead I allow my body to flow gracefully and trust Sam’s white, string bikini do it’s magic.
When I straighten, Shane Brooks looks like a deer caught in headlights.
I smile knowingly. “Evening.”
He blinks.
He looks ready to bolt, so I stay where I am. “Would you mind grabbing my towel?” I gesture to the far end of the pool, away from the door, where my fluffy, white towel awaits, next to my neatly-folded clothes.
His gentlemanly instincts take over and he goes to retrieve my towel. I’m both amazed and exhilarated to see my devious plan is working. So far, at least. I’ve never set out to seduce a man I wasn’t already in a relationship with. Is this how Sam does it?
I take a few steps away from the edge of the pool, but wait patiently for him to get my towel and bring it back to me. He’s looking as sexy as he always does, the tee he’s wearing hinting at the firm chest underneath.