• Positivity. Maintain a positive attitude: researchers at the University of Texas found that people with an upbeat view of life were less likely than pessimists to show signs of frailty. They speculate that positive emotions may directly affect health by altering the chemical balance of the body. Alternatively, it may be that an upbeat attitude helps to boost a person’s health by making it more likely they will feel good about themselves and their lives. (Leath 1999).
• Self-Soothing. Take a bath: a warm bath releases prolactin, the same soothing hormone released by nursing mothers. Massage releases oxytocin—nature’s “brain fertilizer” that actually causes neurons to connect and grow.
• Unloading. Journal, pray, or share your feelings: all of these activities enhance immune function (Pennebaker 1997, Dossey1993).
• Meaningful Activity. Rather that straining to “find a passion,” try being passionate about what you find. Our capacity for depth and engagement can be applied to and repeated with a number of meaningful activities throughout our life spans. Have some goals that allow you to feel purposeful; develop a self-reflectiveness that can give life a sense of meaning and beauty. A sense of appreciation and gratitude are consistently correlated with happiness and health.
• Therapeutic Support Systems: The kind of trauma that occurs in childhood and evidences itself through the symptoms that we discussed in our chapters on relationship trauma does not tend to get better on its own. Its roots are deep, and once we begin dealing with it, we need a reliable support network. The kind of deep sharing that goes on in group therapy actually elevates the immune system and acts as a destressor.
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe
If you feel yourself beginning to enter that emotionally frayed and fried zone, try some simple mood-managing strategies. Next time you’re sitting in front of your computer and your body morphs into a vibrating mass of nervous little pricks or you hear one more piece of lousy financial news and your gut starts to glue itself to the inside wall of your stomach, simply breathe in slowly and mindfully and bring your mind into the here and now in the present. Slow down your breathing, relax your muscles, and calm your nervous system.
The breath connects the body and the mind, so slowing down the breath has the effect of calming the body, mind, and emotions. Breathing is a bodily function that is regulated by the autonomic nervous system as well as the conscious voluntary nervous system. Breathing is the only body function that creates a bridge between the conscious and unconscious mind/body, bringing them into a mutual balance.
Sometimes our fear and hypervigilance makes us hold our breath. When our brains anticipate danger or we get scared, our breathing rate increases so that more oxygen can be sent to the blood cells and muscle fibers to prepare us to fight or run away to safety. In either case we can try to relax ourselves consciously by slowing down and deepening our inhalations and exhalations, thereby stimulating our relaxation response and calming our emotions.
Try it for yourself right now. Simply draw deep, rhythmic breaths, allow your diaphragm to expand as you do this, and observe calm coming into your body, mind, and emotions. Then loosen up your mind. As your breath helps you to even out your mood, allow your mind to move toward or away from what is preoccupying it without getting caught up in or stuck in it. Other techniques are to allow your thoughts to simply pass by the inner eye of your mind as if you were sitting on the banks of a river watching the water carry them downstream, or release them as if they were floating up into the clouds and being carried away by a gentle breeze.
Why Exercise Is a Natural Antidepressant
Endorphins are the body’s sedatives and also act as painkillers, diminishing our perception of pain. When we are hurt and endorphins are released, they have an analgesic effect that is far more potent than morphine. This effect allows us to feel empowered and to function. Endorphins are manufactured in our brain, spinal cord, and many other parts of our bodies. Not coincidently, the neuron receptors that endorphins bind to are the same ones that bind to some pain medicines. However, unlike morphine, the activation of these receptors by the body’s own endorphins does not lead to addiction, dependence, or negative lifestyle patterns.
Exercise boosts the brain’s feel-good endorphins, releases muscle tension, improves sleep, and reduces levels of the stress hormone cortisol. It also increases our body temperature, which may have a calming effect. All of these changes in our mind and body can improve such symptoms as sadness, anxiety, irritability, stress, fatigue, anger, self-doubt, helplessness, and hopelessness—all of which are associated with depression (Singh et al).
Though research suggests that it may take at least thirty minutes of exercise a day, three to five times a week, to significantly improve depression symptoms, any amount of activity—as little as ten to fifteen minutes at a time—can still improve mood in the short term. Research also shows that we’re more likely to maintain good exercise habits if we get exercise to fit into our lives—for example, by walking or biking to work, or by walking, jogging, or playing a sport with friends (Blumenthal et al 1999).
Exercise is proactive. Along with the obvious physiological benefits, it is helpful psychologically to feel that we can do something each day to help ourselves. So walk, bike, play a sport, go to a yoga class, or dance around your house to your favorite music. It’s fun, relaxing, and good for your body, mind, and soul.
Studies on Exercise, Anxiety, and Depression
The science behind just how and why exercise can help to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression has been a much-studied topic over the last two decades.
In a Duke University research study published in the October 25, 1999, issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine, exercise was found to be almost as effective as medication in reducing symptoms of depression. In the study, 156 patients diagnosed with major depressive disorder were divided into three groups to study the impact that exercise might have on depression: Group one exercised. Group two used medication. Group three used a combination of medication and exercise. Much to the surprise of the researchers, after sixteen weeks all three groups showed similar and significant improvements in their depression. Here are the statistical findings of the study:
60.4 percent of the group who did exercise alone were no
longer depressed after sixteen weeks.
65.5 percent of the group who used medication alone
were no longer depressed after sixteen weeks.
68.8 percent of the group who did both exercise and
medication were no longer depressed after sixteen weeks.
The researchers did note that patients who took the antidepressants (in this case Zoloft) saw their symptoms relieved sooner, but by sixteen weeks the group differences had virtually disappeared.
Though medication can be a lifesaver for some, and no one wants to suggest otherwise, these studies open the door for alternative or additional strategies. “One of the conclusions we can draw from this,” according to psychologist and study leader Dr. James Blumenthal, “is that exercise may be just as effective as medication and may be a better alternative for certain patients. While we
don’t know why exercise confers such a benefit, this study shows that exercise should be considered as a credible form of treatment for these patients. Almost one-third of depressed patients in
general do not respond to medications, and for others, the
medications can cause unwanted side effects. Exercise should
be considered a viable option.”
Depression also has a social side. People who are depressed or socially anxious tend to isolate. “So it’s possible,” reflected Blumenthal, “that the structured and supportive atmosphere of the exercise program could have contributed to improving the symptoms of the exercise group.”
Blumenthal also feels that exercise may be beneficial because patients are actually taking a proactive
role in their own physical and psychological health. “Taking a pill is . . . passive,” he says. “Patients who exercised may have felt a greater sense of mastery over their condition and gained a greater sense of accomplishment. They may have felt more self-confident and had better self-esteem because they were able to do it themselves, and they may have attributed their improvement to their ability to exercise. These findings could change the way some depressed patients are treated, especially those who are not interested in taking antidepressants,” Blumenthal goes on to say. “Although these medications have been proven to be effective, many people want to avoid the side effects or are
looking for a more ‘natural’ way to feel better.”
However, there is such a thing as overexercising or too much of a good thing. Because exercise is a natural high, people can go overboard with it.
Compulsive exercising can mean that one is using exercise to the extreme, which starts to diminish its emotional benefits. Walking several times a week keeps us active and stimulates the kinds of hormones that elevate and soothe moods naturally. But compulsive exercise starts to have diminishing returns. Some signs that we’re exercising too much are exercising at length; when we’re feeling unwell; at a vigorous intensity; or in unusual places, such as in bed or in the middle of the night, as a pattern of hiding begins. When we feel guilty or anxious if we miss an exercise session, double our exercise to make up for it, or miss socializing because of too much time at the gym, we may be overdoing it. Too much exercise can injure bones and stress the body. Overexercise can become a process addiction as with any behavior that is done to excess. As with anything in life, the secret is in finding the right balance (Blumenthal et al 1999).
Put Meaning and Purpose into Your Life
The feeling that we are making a positive contribution to our world that connects us to others who are making similar contributions is an esteem-building activity that makes us feel good about ourselves. “Well-being is a process (of staying well), not an end-state, so any conceptualization of well-being that concentrates on end-states . . . is probably off track. It may be that in some cultures well-being is characterized by self-acceptance, positive relations with others, autonomy, environmental mastery, purpose in life, and personal growth” (Leath 1999). We build resilience throughout life when we can mobilize our circumstances to meet our needs and engage with others in meeting theirs; it is the circle of life.
“Purpose in life involves having clear perceptions of what kind of far-off yet potentially achievable future experience will bring about rewarding experience. Meaning in life, however, does not necessarily involve sustained focus on particular goals” (ibid).
Developing a sense of meaning is not only intellectual; it involves engaging in activities that create meaning, and it is different for different people and different cultures. We are all naturally engaged in a process by which we assign meaning to our lives based on what we have experienced in the past, what we have learned through experience, what plans for the future we can formulate, and our willingness and ability to work toward actualizing those plans.
Maintain the Right Ratio
of Positive versus Negative Emotions
Barbara Fredrickson, a social psychologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and author of Positivity, writes about what makes for an upbeat outlook on life. In her research, Fredrickson found that it is important to actively maintain a conscious balance between our negative and positive emotions in order to sustain a positive attitude. “Our emotions tend to obey a tipping point,” she writes. That tipping point among Americans tends to be a 3-to-1. “We need three positive emotions to lift us up for every one negative emotion that brings us down” (Fredrickson 2009). To improve the ratio, Fredrickson feels that we need to give ourselves time to do the things that we enjoy and to live more in the present. “Resilient people manage adversity and handle unexpected things. It’s not just that they only experience positive emotions, but instead that they are able to cultivate more positive feelings. Resilient people don’t make social comparisons. Instead they focus on what’s positive in their own lives” (ibid).
Twelve-step programs talk about “comparing and despairing” or “comparing our insides to other people’s outsides.” Keeping the focus on ourselves and being grateful for what we have rather than bemoaning what others have that we lack ups our positivity ratio, which ups our mood and frame of mind. Fredrickson’s research shows that “Positivity reigns whenever positive emotions—like love, joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, and inspiration—touch and open your heart. One of the most positive emotions to elicit is gratitude. . . . If we see what we are going through as a gift or an opportunity it unlocks that positive emotion” (ibid).
So keep a journal and a gratitude list, say a prayer, or walk outdoors with a friend and share what’s on your mind. Get the help you need when you need it, and engage in the kinds of activities that give you a sense of pleasure and meaning. Research bears out that these activities work on the brain in a similar way as brain meds, and they can even have better, lasting results because, when you’re personally proactive, you’re actively taking charge of your own emotional health.
PART V:
Integrating the
Fragmented Self
Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult—once we truly understand and accept it—then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.
—M. Scott Peck
FIFTEEN
Relationships:
Recover or Repeat
It is my absolute belief that authentic change begins with self-responsibility and the courage to peruse what is right and effective even when the people beyond us may not cooperate or support our efforts. Being willing to face our own limitations and work diligently to become the best people we can be, despite our legitimate sorrows, is the only path to genuine fulfillment that I know, and a prerequisite to creating successful relationships.
—Nina Brown, Children of the Self-Absorbed
Our emotions are put under the microscope when we enter a deep, committed relationship. The magnetic pull of intimate bonding draws parts of us toward the surface of our being that may be far from our everyday consciousness. In intimate partnership we are thrown back upon our childhood selves, reliving the pleasure, comfort, and excitement we had when life was new and fresh. We find ourselves feeling and sometimes acting like children—vulnerable, dependent, and daring to dream. When we join hands with another person, we create an intimate space where young parts of us come forward; where we can regress into a playful and innocent state of mind; where we can giggle, cuddle, and coo and have a cozy little world that belongs only to two. A special and protective space where we can not only be more than our ordinary selves—generous, forgiving, and high-minded—but less as well, where we can be vulnerable and shaky, stumbling over our faults and fears and have a hand outstretched as we ask for help in hoisting ourselves back up again.
Because our renewed bonds of intimacy draw forward our deepest yearnings to be seen, understood, loved, and valued, they also touch on the unfulfilled longings and old hurts also associated with those early bonds. For the ACoA, this is where the rubber meets the road. Those very feelings of vulnerability and dependence that allow us to reenter a barely remembered world in which we feel safe and held can also reignite unresolved relationship wounds.
The limbic bonds with parents and siblings that held our relationships in place throughout childhood get formed once again with our partners and children through the proximity of physical and emotional closeness. And those bonds carry with them the memory of what it meant to be close, sometimes in surprising detail. What we experienced as children, what we thought was a
ncient history—both in the realms of pleasure and pain—pulls at forgotten corners of our minds and hearts, bringing with it both fantasies and fears of what we might experience as we get close. We may dream that a relationship will make us feel whole, end our yearnings for belonging, solve our lives, and help us to fulfill that age-old goal of living happily after. But at the same time we can fear being swallowed up and digested into someone else’s being, feeling trapped inside someone else’s life, unable to find ourselves and who we once were. While these fears are natural in anyone, childhood trauma can make them feel overwhelming at times.
When Our Inner Child Falls in Love
It is part of a healthy and happy intimacy that the “child” mind and heart are alive and well. After all, it is the child in us who trusts and loves and plays, who can feel thrilled with the little things of life that make up a pleasant day. This is a gift of intimate love. But it can also be the Trojan horse that lets loose all sorts of warring parts of us.
We carry the conflated but unconscious imagery from our past in our child trauma mind. Ever vibrating beneath the thin membrane of experience is the drunk mother threatening to burst out, the drunk dad throwing a tantrum, or the chaos or disconnection of the family of origin threatening to surface. Even when ACoAs or their partners do not drink or drug, the unconscious memory of those that did can be a ghostlike presence that never gets talked about. Because what would you say? And how would you say it? You might feel like you are babbling incoherently, just stirring up trouble and that old “walking on egg shells” feeling might come back and make the whole subject feel a little dangerous and out of bounds.
The ACOA Trauma Syndrome Page 17