“Maybe it’s not your father you need to forgive,” Cassidy said. Claire shook her head. “Maybe it’s yourself.”
“I don’t deserve that any more than he does.”
“That’s not true,” Cassidy said.
“Really? And, what happened with Fisher?”
Cassidy closed her eyes and nodded. “That wasn’t your fault.”
“No? Cassidy, maybe you just see in me what you want to believe is there.”
Cassidy opened her eyes and looked directly into Claire’s. She felt a slight surge of anger. “Stop it.”
“Stop what? Stop telling you the truth?”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself. And, stop putting me on some Goddamned pedestal that I don’t belong on,” Cassidy said. Claire was stunned. Cassidy took another deep breath and continued. “You have some crazy idea about me in your head,” Cassidy said. “I’m not perfect, Claire. There are still moments I hate my father. They are just moments, but I feel that some days. Sometimes,” she paused and pushed back her tears. “Sometimes, I watch him with Dylan; I watch him reading to the twins, telling them those same tall tales he used to tell me, and I hate him for it. All I can think of is the years I cried myself to sleep; the times I heard my mother calling for him when she thought I was far away in dreamland.”
“Cassidy, you are the best person I know.”
“I’m not a hero, Claire. I just do the best I can every day. Some days are better than others. Some days? Some days I look in the mirror and I’m not very happy with who I see. I’ve made plenty of mistakes.”
“Not the same. Do you think anyone has nightmares because of you?”
“You are not responsible for what Carl Fisher did to me.”
“No, maybe not. I didn’t help stop it,” Claire said. “I knew what he was capable of. I knew because I know what I am capable of,” Claire let out a disgusted chuckle. “I hurt the two people I love the most,” she admitted. “Can you say that?”
Cassidy was beginning to see part of the picture in Claire’s life that she often chose not to look at. Claire had spent most of her life in love with her best friend, Eleana Baros. Eleana’s father had also been part of the alliance their fathers belonged to; an alliance that led their children unwittingly to follow in their footsteps. Claire had taken the life of Eleana’s half-brother. Cassidy didn’t know the details. She did know that part of Eleana would always love Claire. She was certain that Eleana had forgiven Claire.
The other ghost that Cassidy could see hovering in Claire’s eyes was Carl Fisher. Claire and Fisher had been friends since youth as well. She had been instructed by her father to work with Fisher, to use Fisher as means to penetrate Cassidy’s ex-husband’s political campaign, and later to launch a different kind of campaign against the congressman. Claire had not caused Fisher’s infatuation with Cassidy. That infatuation had been something of Carl Fisher’s making. It had led Cassidy to the darkest experience of her life.
Alex had been an FBI agent then, assigned to investigate threats made against Cassidy, and to ensure her protection. She had been forced back to Washington DC. In her absence, Fisher had taken the opportunity to hold Cassidy against her will. Fortunately, Cassidy had been freed before Fisher had been able to do her any physical harm. That did not mean Cassidy escaped unscathed. The trauma of being held hostage, of being threatened, of fearing for her life remained with Cassidy years later. She would never forget that day. She did her best to keep it in perspective. She had not only survived; her life had blossomed in the aftermath. Alex had become her partner in life. She felt love in ways she had never imagined possible. She had the family she had always dreamed about. Cassidy’s life was anything but perfect. She would never be able to keep count of the mistakes she had made along the way, but she learned day by day to move forward. Regret was pointless. No one could change the past. The only thing anyone could do was take a step forward and try again.
Cassidy made her way around the table and sat beside Claire. For the first time since the two had engaged in their first earnest conversation, Cassidy realized who Claire was in her life. She wasn’t the little sister Cassidy often wished she had. Claire was very much like another of Cassidy’s children, strange as that might seem to her. That was the relationship they shared. Claire let Cassidy see parts of herself that no one else ever would. Cassidy understood that. She reached out and brushed a tear from Claire’s cheek.
“Claire,” Cassidy said. “You have to let this go. Let it go, please,” Cassidy said.
Claire closed her eyes. “If I had known then…”
“No if,” Cassidy said. She smiled. “How many times have I told you that there are no ifs and no maybes in life?”
Claire chuckled.
“Why is that funny?” Cassidy asked.
“It’s not. I used that line this morning on Kaylee’s brother.”
Cassidy lifted her brow. “So, you mean sometimes you do listen to me?”
Claire chuckled again. She always listened to Cassidy. In fact, she listened to Cassidy more than she ever had anyone in her life.
Cassidy smiled. “Maybe it’s time you took that advice.”
“I don’t want to disappoint you,” Claire mumbled.
Cassidy’s heart swelled and sank all at once. She pulled Claire into a hug, and was shocked when Claire’s tears broke forth in a raging flood.
Alex stepped into the kitchen and stopped. She could hear Claire muttering something through her tears. She couldn’t make out what it was. She heard Cassidy’s words clearly.
“Claire,” Cassidy tried to calm the younger woman. “No one can fill your mom’s shoes,” she said. “But, I can promise you, I will always be here for you. I promise. If I could take away that pain, I would in a heartbeat. But, if the past had been different, who’s to say any of us would have found each other?” Cassidy asked. “And, maybe some things were hard, but I don’t want to think about my life without the people I love in it. That includes you.”
Alex took a step backward and silently left the room.
“Hey,” Jane grabbed Alex’s shoulder. “You okay?”
Alex nodded. “Just realizing something.”
“Care to share?” Jane asked.
Alex led her back toward the family room. “I always kind of wondered how Cassidy could be so close to Claire.”
“You don’t say?” Jane teased.
“Thing is, I never took the time to really look.”
Jane nodded. “And, now?”
“Cass is like her mom.”
Jane smiled.
“You already had that pegged,” Alex guessed.
“I did. I’m not sure they do.”
“They do,” Alex said. “I’m not sure they did. They do now.”
“Does that bother you?” Jane asked.
Alex sighed. “I don’t know how to answer that. Cassidy is the best judge of character I know. But, where Claire is concerned, I just…”
“You worry that she has a blind spot.”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe she does.”
“Not instilling confidence here,” Alex said.
“Alex, you and I both know that loving someone isn’t rational. Those two have a bond that neither you or I will ever understand. God knows neither of our parents were perfect, but…”
“I know. It’s more than that, though.”
“I’m sure that’s true.”
“You like Claire,” Alex observed.
“So, do you,” Jane grinned. Alex groaned. “You know, Alex, you and Claire have more in common than you sometimes want to admit.”
“Like what?”
“You mean other than the fact that you both love Cassidy?”
“Yeah, other than that.”
“Neither of you is very good at letting the past go,” Jane said. She saw Alex bristle and shook her head. “It’s true. You both blame yourselves for every bad thing that’s ever happened.”
“Sometimes that’s warr
anted.”
“Maybe. Can you do anything about it?”
“You sound like Cass.”
“I know you want to be able to fix everything, Alex. You want to be able to control what happens. You can’t. You can only influence it. You can’t control it. And, you can’t change what’s already happened no matter how much you wish you could. You and Claire both get yourselves in spin cycle, just in different ways.”
Alex pinched the bridge of her nose. “Do you trust her?”
“Claire?”
“Yeah.”
“Yes.”
Alex groaned. It perplexed her how everyone seemed to trust Claire Brackett, and it made her feel guilty. What wasn’t she seeing? “I hope you are right.”
“Alex, Claire has been part of this crazy family for years. You can sit at the table with Jim and Edmond, with me and Jonathan, and you trust us. You might want to ask yourself why that is so hard for you where Claire is concerned.”
Alex was about to answer when she felt a hand on her back. She turned to find a somber Cassidy behind her. Jane winked at Cassidy and made her way down the hallway to give her friends some privacy. “Is she okay?” Alex asked.
“No,” Cassidy replied.
“If the case is too much…”
“She’ll be all right,” Cassidy said.
“You just said…”
“She needs a little time, Alex. She’s going out for a drive.”
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Alex asked.
“Worried about her?” Cassidy asked.
Am I? Alex nodded. “I’m a little worried about you too.”
“I’m okay, love.”
“I overheard you.”
“I know.”
Alex chuckled. “Of course, you did. She thinks of you like her mom.”
Cassidy smiled. “I know.”
Alex searched Cassidy’s eyes and found exactly what she would have expected to see. She shook her head affectionately. “Mackenzie’s not enough of a handful for you? You need a bigger challenge?”
Cassidy shrugged. “We don’t decide who we love,” she said. “Or how we love them.”
“No, we don’t,” Alex agreed. “Are you sure she’s okay?”
“She will be,” Cassidy said confidently.
“You seem pretty sure.”
“I know her.”
Alex nodded.
Cassidy leaned in and kissed Alex sweetly. “Give her a chance, love. She might surprise you.”
“She surprises me constantly.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do,” Alex admitted. “She’s a good investigator.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I know. I’m trying, Cass. I swear; I am.”
“I know you are. Just try and remember that she cares what you think.”
Alex’s look of utter disbelief made Cassidy chuckle.
“I’ll try.”
Cassidy put her arm around Alex’s waist. “Let’s go see what the cavalry is up to.”
Alex let Cassidy lead her away. Could my life get any stranger?
CHAPTER EIGHT
“More pictures?” Claire asked Alex.
“There is something here,” Alex said more to herself than to Claire.
Claire looked over Alex’s shoulder at the photos spread across the table. She moved a few aside, making Alex grumble. She pulled a few from underneath the pile. Her eyes focused on one. She reached out and pointed to it. Alex followed Claire’s finger as it moved back and forth over several photos of the same area.
“Anyone could have moved that when they were hiking,” Alex observed.
Claire shrugged and stepped back. “Pretty big pile of sticks to move. I mean, why not just go around it?”
Alex studied the photos again. She had been focused on the area where they had uncovered the two skeletons. The State Police and the FBI still had a team in the woods excavating several areas close to that location. So far, they had not uncovered anything. Alex felt certain that there were more victims, and she was confident that they were in the same forest where Kaylee Peters had disappeared. The question was where to look.
Alex looked back at the photos Claire had referenced. She shook her head. Claire was right. She picked up Claire’s thought. “Why move it unless you were moving something?” Alex mused. She turned and looked at Claire who shrugged. Alex glanced back at the dates on the photos. “Not hunting season.”
“Nope,” Claire agreed.
Alex rubbed her temples. “I wonder where this is.”
“I’ll bet the kid knows.”
Alex nodded. “Why don’t you give Donovan a call?”
“Why me?”
Alex spun in her chair and looked at Claire. “He likes you.”
Claire laughed. “No one likes me, Toles,” she joked. “They just find me amusing. I’ll call the kid.”
Alex watched as Claire walked away. She sighed and turned back to the pictures. Come out, come out, whoever you are.
***
“Do you really think this is a good idea?”
“Why not? Don’t you want to see what they find?”
“There are cops everywhere,” Jared Gore told his friend.
Darren Black kept moving forward. “No one is up here. They’re all down by the pond. Bill and I trekked in here yesterday. If we go around the red trail, we’ll be able to see them from Flat Rock.”
Jared followed reluctantly. Flat Rock was appropriately named. It was a giant flat rock that sat in a small clearing above a large pond in the state forest. It sometimes served as a make-out spot. Occasionally, Jared had hiked up to the area to find an artist sketching. It wasn’t easy to find. A person had to veer off the path for nearly a quarter mile to reach the spot. Anyone unfamiliar with the area would never find it in spring with the tree coverage. In fact, Jared expected that he and Darren would leave this endeavor with a few scratches from low hanging branches. The rock offered a terrific view of the area below, but the surrounding tree coverage made it hard to see anyone sitting there.
“What do you hope to see from that far away?” Jared asked.
Darren shifted his backpack. “I brought eyes.”
***
“Alex is working?” Rose asked Cassidy.
“No more weekends off,” Cassidy replied. “At least, not when she’s working a case.”
“How are you doing with that?”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you,” Rose replied. “Cassie, this is a big change for you too.”
Cassidy shrugged off her mother’s observation. “I’m happy for her.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Well, not happy about what she has to do, but I am glad she’s doing it. She missed it, Mom.”
“And, you?”
“I’ll miss her if that is what you are getting at.”
“Do you think she will stay with the FBI?”
“After this case; you mean?” Cassidy asked. Rose nodded. “I think so. She doesn’t,” Cassidy laughed.
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Well, Alex is back at her old job, the twins will be in kindergarten in the fall. What are you planning to do?”
“Pretty sure I will be able to fill my time.”
“Trust me, Cassie, when they are all out of the house, it can get a little lonely.”
Cassidy grinned.
Rose looked at her suspiciously. “What aren’t you telling me?”
Cassidy kissed her mother on the cheek. “I hope you and YaYa are up for a few more years of babysitting.”
“You’re pregnant?”
Cassidy tipped her head in acknowledgment.
“Seriously?”
Cassidy laughed. “Seriously.”
Rose hugged Cassidy tightly. “You must be thrilled.”
“I am. We didn’t want to say anything right away.”
“I understand.”
“Seem
s like everyone is figuring it out anyway,” Cassidy chuckled.
“Everyone?”
“YaYa, Dylan, even Claire.”
“Huh. How did I miss this?” Rose asked.
“Too much wine?”
“Ha-ha,” Rose goaded Cassidy. “You’re just jealous that you have to give up the devil’s juice again.”
“Not really,” Cassidy said. “From what I can tell, when I get to play grandma I will be swimming in the stuff.”
Rose pursed her lips. “You might just be running to PTA meetings in the morning and changing your grandbaby in the afternoon,” Rose said.
That thought had crossed Cassidy’s mind. It wasn’t only a possibility; it was a likelihood. By the time the newest addition to the Toles’ clan arrived, Dylan would be approaching his eighteenth birthday. It wasn’t a far stretch to imagine that he might have children in his twenties.
“You never know,” Cassidy agreed.
“What did Dylan say about the baby?”
“Oh, I think he is mildly disappointed he won’t be here to spend time with this one. But, he’s excited about the academy.”
“You don’t say.”
Cassidy smiled. “I’m happy for him.”
“What do you think about him and Maggie?” Rose asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what do you think?”
“About teenagers in love?”
“About what teenagers in love do.”
Cassidy shrugged. She had gently approached the subject of sex with Dylan. He had been far more uncomfortable with the discussion than she was. That led her to ask his Uncle Nick to step in and talk to Dylan. Alex’s younger brother had two sons. He didn’t share all the details of his conversation with Dylan with Cassidy. He did make her aware that he believed Dylan and his girlfriend would likely find themselves in an intimate situation sooner rather than later—if they hadn’t already. It hadn’t surprised Cassidy. It did give her pause.
“I think it’s likely they already have,” Cassidy said.
Untold (Alex and Cassidy Book 5) Page 12